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Old 04-04-2006, 09:11 PM   #1
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Need Advice: Online Guy "Dumped" Me After This...

Okay, please bare with me, I'm really stressing over this because I think I made a big deal over something small & stupid.

Guy A, who confessed about wanting to find a right time to switch from email to phone after almost 2 months of emails, well I think I scared him away....I got "nervous" and broke down and told him about my "problem" or nervousness. It was March 26, last time we emailed and a week has passed. Nothing.

I also mentioned that this is really my first time doing this, and that my parents would sort of be upset that I'm meeting a guy online. I also said that this would sort of be very discrete. Was I wrong to say this? I just wanted to say that I'm not that "type" or something....sorry.

But I think I over-emphasized my "problem." To be quite honest, some people have told me that it's not obvious at all, but a doctor told me it is a very, very mild case of cerebral palsy. Now by saying this, it sounds really bad, right? Well it's not. It's just a slight tensing or shaky hands when I'm nervous - but who doesn't have that, right?

Well, I'm very pretty and intelligent, but I just sort of have a slight phobia over this, and this is what has prevented me from going out and feeling "free" from this "problem."

My question is, I really want to email this guy again to ask, what did I say to turn you off? He was doing everything right: taking things slow, showing interest, speaking intelligently, etc....well, this says nothing to you but I was really happy about it.

I just feel like I need an explanation. I feel like I'm the one who said the wrong thing b/c I overreacted, and I mentioned my problem which I'm sure he took the wrong way, being that writing is different that actual verbalization. What should I do? I just feel I screwed this up. Would I seem desperate to contact him and ask?

Last edited by Stef457; 04-04-2006 at 09:13 PM.

 
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Old 04-04-2006, 09:49 PM   #2
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Re: Need Advice: Online Guy "Dumped" Me After This...

Quote:
I also mentioned that this is really my first time doing this, and that my parents would sort of be upset that I'm meeting a guy online. I also said that this would sort of be very discrete. Was I wrong to say this? I just wanted to say that I'm not that "type" or something....sorry.
I of course do not know for sure, but I think this could be the problem. He may find it distasteful that you are so concerned about what your parents think of what you do. Maybe he thinks that if he had a relationship with you, your parents would have their noses stuck in it. Also...if I was going to meet up with someone I met online and they told me our meeting would have to be very discrete, it would set off a lot of red flags in my head. I would think they were hiding something...mainly they were married or had a signifigant other. I wouldn't want to get involved with someone who felt they had to keep me a big secret. I know that is not true for you...but I just fear this is how it may look to him.

Without meaning to, it seems that you gave this guy a lot of excuses and he probably thought you were not interested in him. You could attempt one more e-mail, asking if you did anything to upset him. But if he doesn't respond or seems distant, then I would let this thing go instead of trying to chase him down...then it may look a little desperate.
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Old 04-04-2006, 10:07 PM   #3
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Re: Need Advice: Online Guy "Dumped" Me After This...

God, I was afraid of that. However, it is the truth.

But, I did say, instead of calling, how about we meet up? I thought I was sounding "that I'm not the type to do this" type of girl...meaning online dating.

Do you really think I should email to say "I'm sorry - I did not mean that I would be in trouble for eeting up etc, or that I'm not interested in you"

I can't believe I messed this up! He seemed such a decent guy. I can't believe this...I'm really upset over this. CAn't you tell I'm not used this at all.

I went and signed up again on this online site, and he's still there. I didn't really want to do it, but maybe I'll get a second chance

I feel really stupid.

 
Old 04-04-2006, 10:14 PM   #4
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Re: Need Advice: Online Guy "Dumped" Me After This...

Okay, well, a couple of things really:

1. What do you mean about your parents being upset? I'm curious about how old you are. Are you not old enough to date without their permission? I would 100% tell SOMEONE where you're going and when. I know you've been communicating a while with the guy... but you still need to be safe. Do not be "discreet" to the point where no one knows where you are. Even if it's a friend - make sure someone knows the details. And let him know that people know where you are!

2. The "discreet" comment - I'm not really sure what that means. To me, saying a meeting with someone will be "discreet" usually means sneaking off to a hotel of something and keeping it a secret ... if you know what I mean. Like a "discreet" affair/tryst. I don't think that's what you meant tho!

3. About your "problem". From what you've said, I don't really think it's a "problem" at all. So your hands get shaky. That's not a very big deal. I think you're making it into something bigger than it is... and that might have freaked him out. I'd not say anything about it before meeting people (since it's really not a big deal). If you get nervous when you meet someone and your hands shake ... well, just shrug it off with a comment like "Oh, that happens when I get nervous" ... and then drop it unless someone really wants to know more. I don't think you should let this define you. You are a whole human being -- meaning that there is way more to you than a bit of nervous shaking!

When I get nervous, sometimes I get flushed and get red patches/blotches ... no big deal. I don't tell people that before I meet them ... like "Sure, thursday for coffee would be great. Oh, but I need to tell you something. I have this "problem" or "condition" and I get red blotches sometimes when I get nervous." The thing is, if you don't know someone ... then you think they'd only tell you if it was a big deal .. like something they HAVE to know. In all honesty, if someone I'd never met told me they got red blotches if they get nervous, I'd think what they were really saying was "be prepared, I have a major skin condition." And it would probably freak me out. In reality, not one person has ever been freaked out by me getting red blotches in person ... my bf thinks it's funny and cute. But I bet if I had "warned" him before we'd ever met face to face he would have freaked.

So if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't say anything about the shaking thing. It's just not something that people HAVE to know. You're not being dishonest in not telling someone about it - you don't need to tell people you're meeting face-to-face for the first time absolutely everything about yourself - especially not things that really aren't deal breakers. And nervousness is NOT a deal breaker! It's not what defines you as a person.

You seem like a nice person ... why not just let that shine through. The rest will sort itself out.

 
Old 04-04-2006, 10:15 PM   #5
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Re: Need Advice: Online Guy "Dumped" Me After This...

Don't be hard on yourself! When it comes to dating or attempting dating, everyone feels like they are just bumbling along. If it were me I would try e-mailing him once more and innocently asking if I said something to offend him, since he had stopped contacting me. You put the ball in his court then. Maybe he will tell you how he is feeling, maybe not. If not, and he doesn't seem to want to get into it, then just accept it and move on. I hate saying this, but it is true - there are plenty more guys out there.

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Old 04-04-2006, 11:05 PM   #6
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Re: Need Advice: Online Guy "Dumped" Me After This...

Thanks so much guys. You made me feel so much better.

Okay, about the "discrete" thing - my mother had heard me talk about meeting up with a guy on the phone, so she goes to one of my bros and say "I HOPE she did not meet him online!" I guess I got embarrassed. I come from a very traditional family, it's just that I've been slightly "over-protected" by both my parents and brothers, and relatives for that matter, b/c of my problem so to speak. I know they love me & I'm very lucky. So I got nervous that they would be disappointed in a way, & thats when the "discrete" thing came up in my head.

I cannot stop thinking about how stupid I am! Its 2 am & I cannot sleep!

I know, I'm stressing b/c I just missed out on so much in my life due to this low self-esteem of mine, which I'm sure the guy figured out . Who would want to date a girl like me, I'M sure he thought

Anyway, I'll try to pick myself up and know better for the next one. Okay no mention of my nervousness, got it.

I don't know if I should email. Like I said, I resigned on this dating site and he is still there. I will try to go to bed now, and sleep with a clear head. I am having sleep issues for almost 2 months now. I have to start believing in myself. Enough is enough already.

 
Old 04-05-2006, 08:33 AM   #7
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Re: Need Advice: Online Guy "Dumped" Me After This...

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyArcher
I of course do not know for sure, but I think this could be the problem. He may find it distasteful that you are so concerned about what your parents think of what you do. Maybe he thinks that if he had a relationship with you, your parents would have their noses stuck in it. Also...if I was going to meet up with someone I met online and they told me our meeting would have to be very discrete, it would set off a lot of red flags in my head. I would think they were hiding something...mainly they were married or had a signifigant other. I wouldn't want to get involved with someone who felt they had to keep me a big secret. I know that is not true for you...but I just fear this is how it may look to him.

Without meaning to, it seems that you gave this guy a lot of excuses and he probably thought you were not interested in him. You could attempt one more e-mail, asking if you did anything to upset him. But if he doesn't respond or seems distant, then I would let this thing go instead of trying to chase him down...then it may look a little desperate.
Yes, it was the same thing that jumped out at me as well. Especially the "discrete" thing. Ah, sometimes it's better to write too little than too much because we might just shoot ourselves in the foot. "Discrete" was not a good choice of a word because it implies you have something to hide, like a spouse or a boyfriend. And the comments about your parents being upset might also indicate that you might not be an adult like you said you are. Now, I know this is not the case, but this guy doesn't know you. Please, Stef, stop worrying so much about being that "type" of girl who does online dating LOL. There's nothing to be ashamed of AT ALL--mostly everyone has tried this form of dating nowadays--it's something that has become very mainstream, so you don't have to 'explain' yourself in any way.

So, you can email him again and say you realized that your choice of words wasn't the best in your last email and that you were simply nervous because you don't have any experience with online dating, but that you would really like to meet him if he's still interested. You have nothing to lose and if he doesn't respond, give another guy a chance. There are lots of guys online; he's not the only one. And PLEASE, next time don't say anything about the nervousness and the very mild CP, or that you want this to be 'discrete' for god's sakes! Think that you are a beautiful, smart girl who has a lot to offer and speak with men from that perspective. Good luck!

Last edited by SophiaM; 04-05-2006 at 08:37 AM.

 
Old 04-05-2006, 08:46 AM   #8
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Re: Need Advice: Online Guy "Dumped" Me After This...

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
So, you can email him again and say you realized that your choice of words wasn't the best in your last email and that you were simply nervous because you don't have any experience with online dating, but that you would really like to meet him if he's still interested. You have nothing to lose and if he doesn't respond, give another guy a chance. There are lots of guys online; he's not the only one. And PLEASE, next time don't say anything about the nervousness and the very mild CP, or that you want this to be 'discrete' for god's sakes! Think that you are a beautiful, smart girl who has a lot to offer and speak with men from that perspective. Good luck!
Thanks, and yes I will not mention "discrete, or nervousness" or anything.

But do you REALLY think I should email him? I don't want to seem desperate. Yes he is not the only one, but I have a lot of pride and I just can't forget!

What do you REALLY think would be ideal here? I want to know to learn from it and not repeat it.

 
Old 04-05-2006, 08:56 AM   #9
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Re: Need Advice: Online Guy "Dumped" Me After This...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stef457
Thanks, and yes I will not mention "discrete, or nervousness" or anything.

But do you REALLY think I should email him? I don't want to seem desperate. Yes he is not the only one, but I have a lot of pride and I just can't forget!

What do you REALLY think would be ideal here? I want to know to learn from it and not repeat it.
Ok, one thing I didn't like about this guy is that he was emailing you for two whole months before asking for your phone number. That was suspicious to me. Is he long distance, or does he live in the same general area as you? If he's not long distance, I think there's absolutely NO point emailing for two months. So, that said, if you like him, I think it wouldn't hurt to email him. It's not desperate if you phrase it in the way I suggested. At least you will know that you did your best to clarify things in case he got the wrong impression. Also, next time I would suggest not spending two months emailing with someone--as you can see it could be a total waste of time. I would say exchange no more than 4-5 emails before speaking on the phone, and then arrange a date. There's NO WAY to know if there's any potential with a particular person without meeting him face to face.

 
Old 04-05-2006, 09:46 AM   #10
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Re: Need Advice: Online Guy "Dumped" Me After This...

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
Ok, one thing I didn't like about this guy is that he was emailing you for two whole months before asking for your phone number. That was suspicious to me. Is he long distance, or does he live in the same general area as you? If he's not long distance, I think there's absolutely NO point emailing for two months. So, that said, if you like him, I think it wouldn't hurt to email him. It's not desperate if you phrase it in the way I suggested. At least you will know that you did your best to clarify things in case he got the wrong impression. Also, next time I would suggest not spending two months emailing with someone--as you can see it could be a total waste of time. I would say exchange no more than 4-5 emails before speaking on the phone, and then arrange a date. There's NO WAY to know if there's any potential with a particular person without meeting him face to face.
Actually, I asked why he took so long, and he said that he was trying to find the right way/time to switch the convo from email to phone, and then I said that I'm sort of glad you didn't ask me out right away b/c I wouldn't have agreed w/it.

He lives an hour away. However, he also said that it was his experience that women nowadays don't know what they want, and he was trying to tread "the middle ground" so to speak.

I think he was very respectful towards me, and I was happy with that. You know, I will let it go for now. I was thinking to email in a couple weeks, telling him what you said that this is my first time, I made a mistake etc, and I just want to meet for coffee.

Yes, he might think I'm too overprotective and sheltered, or even not "ready" for a relationship, but you know what, I'm the right girl for anybody. I don't think he can do better than me. I just have to let go of shallow feelings, and I will start today. I deprived myself of many things in life and enough is enough. I'm beautiful, intelligent, and have a warm character - I won't settle for just anybody b/c any guy will be lucky to be with me. I'm a respectful and committed person, who has a lot to give, and I will start by giving to myself. I need to love who I am first before allowing anyone else to love me.

Thanks, everyone, for helping me figure this out. Now, anyone suitable for me, I will give a chance to and not fear the worst.
Thanks.

 
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