Torn. (The Real One). Please Read. - Relationship Health Message Board

lady346 · 04-05-2006, 07:03 AM

I can't decide whether to continue with the casual 'relationship' I am in or not. I debate over the possiiblity of getting hurt vs. the anticipation, distraction, and fulfillment I get when Im with him. I apologize for the length, its just important to explain the whole situation.

For background:
Recently (almost 5 months ago now) got my heart put in a blender by a guy I thought was love of my life. He totally changed overnight into some selfish a**hole while in his 3rd month of dental school, replaced me immediately (or, during) with another dental student downstairs who I knew. Denied it all, said terrible things to me starting a few weeks before the sudden break-up, and was just a totally different person. I saw a psychologist for 2 months which helped a lot. I'm on a rebellious phase now, for 2 months, which involves a lot of social activities, drinking, distracting myself with friends, and just distracting myself in general.

Current: This casual thing started when I ran into an acquaintance of this ex mentioned above while in DC visiting with close girl friends. We shall call this acquaintance DC Guy, as I've termed him in past threads. DC Guy was (in the same month as my break-up) cheated on by his girlfriend of 4 years. Totally messed him up, as one can imagine.

Well, lets just say him and I really hit it off

I was too drunk though, which helped to tame the initial shock when I woke up the next morning and flipped out over what had happened. It was unlike me, and I couldn't believe it was with THIS guy of all people. For a while I was so worried about what my ex would think if he found out. So I didnt know what would happen between us, but we started talking a lot and keeping in touch, flirting through text messages and talking of seeing each other (with physical/sexual innuendos, mostly) again. It was all non-serious banter and very fun. Kept me on my toes. I felt like I was attractive again and desired.
Well, he came up to NYC where I live and stayed over twice a few weeks ago. However, there were never any serious conversations, just an intense physical attraction, enjoying each others' company, and partying.

Well, to update:
This past weekend I went down to DC. To 'visit my mom' for a large part, but to see DC Guy for a large part as well. I stayed at his apt. both nights. This time, he was extremely affectionate. He poured wine for us on his candle-lit balcony, and when we went out later, he was kissing me and touching me in front of his/my EX'S FRIENDS. This made me feel weird, but I actually got a lot of validation from them which gave me the final bit of closure I needed, I believe. They told me how much they loved me and hugged me all night (I was close with a lot of them), told me how much my ex has changed and that they're not even close with him as much anymore, and how he has replaced a lot of them with these 'dorks that he shows off in front of'. It was actually really fun. Except I made the mistake of having too much to drink and suggesting that I liked him. To which he responded with 'we will see what happens'.
When we got back to DC Guy's place, he actually gave me a bath and was real sweet and we had a lot of fun. We cuddled while we slept, etc. I tried to remain distant the whole time. He is not my boyfriend after all, and won't be, but I did notice the difference, and...I liked it.
Well, the next night, it was a similar situation.
Sunday, he took me out to brunch (the only thing hes paid for for me except for drinks here and there).

So heres the point of my post. I like him. Except I do not see a relationship with him. I just got out of one and the idea of love totally freaks me out. I dont even know if it exists anymore. I am so pessimistic about my relationship future. Plus, he is 4.5 hours away from me for another year. And I also dont know if I can really see myself with him.
However, I still feel this desire to be wanted by him. I feel like I have this fantasy hope that he will just one day change his mind and want me. Maybe its kind of normal considering what I went through? Regardless, I was very confused by his intentions all weekend becaues he was relatively much more caring and openly affectionate. Now that Im back in the city this week, we've talked every day, but its een non-serious again, and via text messaging and IM often. Most of the conversations involve sex or just a lot of comedic banter that leaves us cracking up.

I just dont know if I am crossing any boundaries or expecting too much out of this. Its like a battle within my head.

Well, it came up in our conversation tonight. I had had some wine with a friend prior to this and was feeling a little 'open' with my words. All in all, he is very defensive, has a giant filter, and is real stand-offish when it comes to opening up. As soon as I started saying I wanted to open up more (but knew he didnt want to, so I wouldn't) he started in RIGHT AWAY with the 'I'm not sure what we're talking about here, but let me just say that I dont want a relationship right now'. He was very nice aout it and said he didnt want to hurt me, wanted to be honest, etc., but he was just dealing with too much from his break-up. Well, I said 'yeah I feel the same way'. He called me right away (all of this before was on IM). We then talked and shared our ideas of the whole thing. We actually saw eye-to-eye on a lot. We both don't want a relationship right now, regardless of who it is. We both feel its the situation, not the person, that is the reason why. He told me I was great and that I was going to go places, etc etc., but that he sees me as a friend (who he is VERY attracted to). He said he initiates conversation with me because he likes to, it is fun, and he would feel weird coming to NY, calling me only when hes here, and wanting to come over...thats just not him. He likes to know what is going on with people who are in his life, and he enjoys talking with me. He said he is still used to treating women like gold, due to his recent relationship, and that he wants to make me feel respected and special and all of that. He feels like he holds back a lot to protect himself.

I had gotten into the conversation mainly due to 1) the wine, and 2) due to my confusion over his behavior. However, I think I freaked him out/frustrated him at first, which I was totally trying to avoid! I dont want to end things. Its too fun. He told me that he doesn't want to hurt me and that maybe we should stop hooking up.

Of course, I would love to have this guy come to me and tell me how wonderful and special he thinks I am. Of course I could use a giant ego-boost right now after what happened. At the same time, however, realistically-speaking, I deep-down truly know a relationship is not going to happen here. I dont even know if I could see myself with him. Its just, the things I see, I truly like. And I enjoy talking to him, getting random silly texts throughout the day, and just feeling important to someone in a small way.

I guess after this conversation, I just realize now that Im not important at all. Which is silly, because I guess I sort of knew that. I just kind of feel a little...sad. At the same time, I see him as a fun distraction as well. I dont crave calling him as much as I crave him calling ME. However, I sort of trust him, since I somewhat knew him before all of this (a friend), and I know his friends and everything.

Sorry this is so long. Its just complicated. Anyway, I know women aren't good at this type of stuff, stereotipically. I am sure Im the same. My ex was Muslim, a virgin, and would absolutely die if he knew I was doing this right now, and while Im over that, I guess I still grapple with my recent role of being the queen of my ex's world (at one point) and now being a casual fling to someone else. However, I dont want this to stop. I actually went with DC Guy and hung out with all my ex's friends with him, even though it was hard for me. He kissed me in front of them and all of that, and I guess it just made me feel good. Like I had totally moved on. I did it because I wanted to have fun and stop worrying what other people thought, and I did.

If I stop this now, I feel like it would all be such a waste...I feel like I would go right back to feeling depressed, rejected by someone I loved and trusted more than anything, and alone/lonely.

We dont plan to end this. We actually joked that the conversation went in a giant circle and ended up at the same place. In fact, we said we'd continue it the same exact way we had been doing things.

I guess Im just confused. I feel like I might get hurt if things continue, but I also feel like I dont want a relationship and I really am enjoying the fun, the (mind-blowing) sex, and the attention.

Im so torn. Can anyone give me some insight?

Hiya · 04-05-2006, 08:29 AM

Hey Citygirl - I'm glad you had fun and had a nice distraction and continue to move forward.

However, that's the tricky thing with friends-with-benefits situations. There's always the risk that one person will become more emotionally invested than the other. He was pretty quick to jump to and start the "we're just friends, I don't want a relationship" speech. Of course you're having fun. Who wouldn't? It's wonderful to do the wine and dinner and laughing and buble baths and candles and great sex and all that stuff. Teh thinkg is, with a FWB situation, there are no demands, therefore threre are no promises. He says he wants to continue like this indefinitely, but he could meet the love of his life tomorrow. The truth is it could end at any given moment, and he isn't obligated to give you any kind of head's up, like "hey, I don't know if this is working for me anymore" or whatever. He's not really obligated to you at all since he isn't your boyfriend, has made no commitment to you and has been very clear about not wanting any commitment with you and about not being your boyfriend. I think in these types of situations, women tend to block out the words and pay attention only to the sweet cuddling, bubble baths, the wine, the great sex, and all that. All I'm saying is please don't do that. Listen very carefully to his words, and take every one very seriously. He doesn't want to come to your town and visit? That sounds a little odd. Doesn't want to meet your friends, see where you work or live or anything like that?

I'm not sure anyone can really advise you here, Citygirl. It's something you're going to have to let your heart and head play out. All I can say is I briefly tried a friends with benefits sort of thing, and it didn't do a thing for me. Generally, I tend to think they're a waste of time. I mean. all the time that you spend waiting to hear from DC guy, you could be missing a really great guy who would actually want to be your boyfriend. Everyone says I had a bad break up and don't want to be involved right now. Until the right one comes along. I think it's ok to have fun as long as no one gets hurt. Just watch your heart, I guess is all I'm saying. This guy isn't going to protect it or care for it, he doesn't have to. It's your job to hold it carefully and cherish and protect it and be very sure of who you give it to.

lady346 · 04-05-2006, 08:44 AM

Thanks so much for your response, Hiya- I just wanted to clarify a few things to make the situation better understood for more advice

I already knew this guy. We went to the same undergrad university, hes an acquaintance with my ex, I already know his friends pretty well and he knows mine well. He already came up to visit me in NY and stayed the whole weekend. I see where you misunderstood me- I meant that he would feel weird coming to NY and calling me just when hes here to see me (meaning, a total booty call). Not that he'd feel weird coming to NY- hes done that already. Sorry for the confusion. Basically he was just saying he enjoys talking to me between our 'visits' and would feel weird if we didn't. So he knows where I live, is actually pretty attentive to stuff going on in my life, and has gone out with my friends already, and vice versa.

Ive been listening to his words very closely, because i dont want to get hurt. I realize he has no commitment to me whatsoever. The one thing that I do trust with him, however, is that he would tell me upfront if he didn't want to see me anymore, or met the love of his life. I would do the same. He told me to not be exclusive with him and Ive told him the same thing, and it doesnt really bother me much other than the disease-factor, which I would safely avoid anyway with protection. Of course I expect him to see other people, we live in different states and we just got out of long, heartbreaking relationships. I do expect to still go out and open up the opportunity to meet other people. But I see what you're saying. If I spend weekends and weekends with this guy, its limiting me. Additionally, as much as I do want to feel valued and treated like the queen of the world as my ex once did, I feel like if I looked for that in my next relationship right now, that would be the worst thing I could do. Talk about bringing a whole load of baggage into a relationship. So I know Im not ready for that (a valued relatoinship). This casual thing seems to be a happy medium, at least, in theory.

I guess I still just dont know what to do. Im trying to protect myself so much here...Ive just never been in a casual rltsp that has been this fun and seemingly respectful before. We really click- its a blast. So to hear all that from him, while I agreed, was still a little disappointing. Who wouldnt want someone to fall head over heels with you even if you're totally not ready for that, nor interested? My self-confidence was so shattered from my breakup. Like i said, I guess it was the ego-boost I had from thinking he actually might like me, as well as the fun and distraction, and now that I know how he really feels, its a little less...enjoyable? Regardless, I think stopping it would make me depressed... I just dont know how i feel- need help figuring it out.

Hiya · 04-05-2006, 09:05 AM

Hmmm...I see. Well I'm not sure if anyone else is equipped to tell you how you feel, but I think I understand. I think basically you've got your head on straight about this whole thing. The only thing that worries me a bit is when you say you're not ready to end it because if it ended now, you'd feel really depressed. Which seems to be sort of the opposite of the whole reason for it. I would hate to see you depressed over something you don't really have control over. Like I said, it could end tomorrow. I mean, any relationship, even a marriage, could end tomorrow, but FWB things are even more precarious because of the nature of the relationship. I think if you can do this without worrying about if or when it's going to end, without wondering what he's thinking or feeling about you or what will happen tomorrow, then great, go for it. If you can't, you may have to do some real soul searching and re-prioritizing.

rasaht · 04-05-2006, 09:22 AM

Hmmmmmmm.... I am in a similar situation!

Well, I didn't actually want a relationship after last break up, I was totally happy being single and free. But, I was willing to give things a go with guy I like... turns out he isn't sure he wants to "go out" with me. Wel, that is cool with me only, like you say, I would really love for him to want to, even though I don't actually want a serious relationship myself. Having said that, though, I just have no idea how to do this not serious thing!!! I'm not holding my breath on this one, or expecting anything -- I know from past experience that there really are plenty of other fish in the sea -- but I just can't help reading into what he says and whatnot... We see each other, at this point, about once a week, and don't really talk on the phone or text each other in the meantime.. which makes sense given the circumstances. The weird thing is I'm okay with that. I hate phone calls just for the sake of phone calls, and really, I am just toooooooo busy to want to be talking to him all the time. But, I am so not used to NOT minding this kinda stuff, that i end up thinking about how utterly pointless this is... even though I don't really believe I'd be missing out on anything -- if the right guy came along I'd still be able to recognise him

Just I want THIS guy to be the right guy -- I really realy like what he's about, and love hangin out with him -- but I also don't want some crazy intense serious stuff just yet, anyway.... Baasically, I am happy with what I've got, but am looking ahead and thinking how I won't be forever, and stand to get hurt, or at least feel personally rejected, so what's the point?? And thinking about it like that is what is making me so confused and unable to just not care and enjoy it for what it is in the first place.....

How confusing! maybe it's true that women are generally crap at this...