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Old 04-17-2006, 11:08 AM   #1
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Zoe1234 HB User
Passive/aggressive husband

My husband was extremely passive/aggressive during the first 20 years of our marriage. I could not take it anymore and he knew it so he has changed but now is clingy, needy and constantly feeling like I am going to leave him. I first posted this on the anxiety board as I never know what to expect. First he was constantly putting me down (mostly in front of others), starting fights and always blaming me. Now he is too nice. I just want him to act normally. It is like he is trying to make up for everything he has done in the past but it is too much. He dotes on me, calls me all the time, and tries to anticipate my every need. I am a walking anxiety attack. It is like I never know what is going to happen next.

People are giving me good advice on the anxiety board but does anyone know how to deal with passive/aggressive people. I know I should just blow it off but it is hard to do and is starting to affect my health. I lived so long in constant drama that I don't know how to live any other way.

I would appreciate any help you can give me.

 
Old 04-17-2006, 11:21 AM   #2
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keepsgoin HB User
Re: Passive/aggressive husband

Yesterday I was at an Easter get together and my BFs newlywed nephew was justa tellin' everyone how nasty the salad was that his wife made.."it has no flavor and the water chestnuts don't taste like anything and those bean sprouts don't taste like anything...blah blah blah"...I'd've kicked his *A* if he was my husband and said that to me!!!!! What a jerk!!!! Anyway, I thought it was excellent! I don't know why men act like this but it is a real reason for people getting divorced. I bet your DH was scared *S*less that you were going to divorce him so he's trying to be everything that he thinks that you want...heck, let him dote over you...everyone else is probably nagging their husbands that they don't dote over them like he does with you. It just seems that we always want what we don't have...I read a great line from a Therapist that went like this "Unrealistic expectations are the end of serenity".
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Last edited by keepsgoin; 04-17-2006 at 11:21 AM.

 
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Old 04-17-2006, 03:59 PM   #3
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Zoe1234 HB User
Re: Passive/aggressive husband

I love that quote. You are right. I just need him to back off a little bit and not hover so much as it just makes my anxiety worse. Thanks for your help!

 
Old 04-17-2006, 04:31 PM   #4
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Location: The UK
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Nina000 HB User
Re: Passive/aggressive husband

Hi Zoe

I have also sufferend fromanxiety and panick attacks due to similar issues of passivity that turned into disrespect most of the time.
Obviously I am not the best person to offer you advice but what helped me was trying to mentally ACCEPT that I can't change him. I have detached myself from him as best as I could, so I have started to spend most of my day out, sometimes with a friend, although this is having a terrible impact on my studies and health. I need to sit at my desk to be productive, but I found myself in need of a break, an escape (even temporarily). Another thing that helped me is NOT TO SET HIGH EXPECTATIONS. He has put me down quite a few times that I have learnt that this is a pattern, and have stated to set my expectations really low not to get shocked or upset anymore.
You have also to keep pampering yourself if you could, look after yourself, buy a nice dress, perfume, treat your skin with nice creams, and try to develop routines that make you the FOCUS, the priority.
Always remember that you are a different human being and don't accept responsibilty and blame. You care for him but so should he for you.
Make yourself no1 and be his friend but not his caretaker.

 
Old 04-17-2006, 06:43 PM   #5
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Join Date: Feb 2006
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strongernow HB User
Re: Passive/aggressive husband

It sounds like your husband is being passive aggresive again. He is killing you with kindness which is what passive aggressive people do. If he really cared about you he would change so that you are not walking around feeling like you are having panic attacks when he is near you. I am sorry but that is why some people live alone and never marry.

 
Old 04-18-2006, 07:33 PM   #6
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Atlanta, Ga. USA
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tigerlillyrose HB User
Re: Passive/aggressive husband

Honestly, you and your husband might want to consider couples' counseling. A lot of psychological terms people use nonchalantlely, but if your husband is truly Passive/Aggressive, that's a personality disorder. That's not really something advice from a message board can really solve, BUT if your husband displays passive/aggressive tendencies, you have to send the message that whatever he is trying to accomplish with these tactics WILL NOT work. Still, if these tendencies are beyond what you can handle, get help. You and your husband do not have to go through this alone.
Finally, I will leave you with this thought. Your husband is going through some MAJOR anxiety right now. I mean, he's convinced if he doesn't smother you with affection, then you will just leave. WHY? You can call it what you want, passive aggressive, whatever, but you and your husband need to find out why he does this and what causes it because it will just happen again.

 
Old 05-09-2011, 07:02 AM   #7
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Laurie713 HB User
Re: Passive/aggressive husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zoe1234 View Post
My husband was extremely passive/aggressive during the first 20 years of our marriage. I could not take it anymore and he knew it so he has changed but now is clingy, needy and constantly feeling like I am going to leave him. I first posted this on the anxiety board as I never know what to expect. First he was constantly putting me down (mostly in front of others), starting fights and always blaming me. Now he is too nice. I just want him to act normally. It is like he is trying to make up for everything he has done in the past but it is too much. He dotes on me, calls me all the time, and tries to anticipate my every need. I am a walking anxiety attack. It is like I never know what is going to happen next.

People are giving me good advice on the anxiety board but does anyone know how to deal with passive/aggressive people. I know I should just blow it off but it is hard to do and is starting to affect my health. I lived so long in constant drama that I don't know how to live any other way.

I would appreciate any help you can give me.

Hi,
I am also dealing with a passive aggressive husband have been doing research on it. There are many sites out there on this. been married for 14 years and only just discovered the severity of it. I have always known it but in some sense but feel like a complete idiot for not completely being aware of it until recently. I am still trying to find my way with all of this and will certainly keep you in the loop if i find more out. but what i have found out sure does explain depression issues and a few other things I have been dealing with myself. GUESS WHAT NOT OUR FAULT!!!!

Regards
Laurie713

 
Old 05-09-2011, 07:16 AM   #8
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BobinTexas HB User
Re: Passive/aggressive husband

Too bad the poor man isn't perfect enough for you. Do you have any responsibility in the way he has turned or is it only him that has a problem...

 
Old 05-09-2011, 07:28 AM   #9
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Laurie713 HB User
Re: Passive/aggressive husband

I admit to having faults yes, but my husband has been tortured by his mother when he was a kid and has turned out this way, was this way when I married him, I have done many things to learn how to deal with him, marriage counciling which I am attending by myself for a long time now. I try to be sensitive to him at all costs. I dont nag or provoke fights with him. I have done everything I can to change myself to help his situation. I don't want to divorce him I believe in marriage!!!! and I resent your post.

 
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