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Old 04-25-2006, 08:50 AM   #1
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tigerlillyrose HB User
not attracted to new guy?

I am dating someone who is so very nice and sweet to me. This comes at a time when I really need it. I had been dating someone who, while nice to me in a superficial way, I suspected he was seeing someone else (like he had a girlfriend before he met me, but wanted to have his cake and eat it too), so I felt kind of confused, used, etc.
My problem is, I want someone who is nice to me, who cares about me. I need that, but I don't think I'm physically attracted to this guy. I want to be. I want that to change, but does that ever really change? Is chemistry/attraction instant or can it grow? Will I ever be attracted to this man and if not what do I say? He deserves everything in a woman. I just don't know if I'm going through a phase or if I'm being too picky or sabotaging a good relationship or if the plain truth is I'm just not attracted to the man. (I guess he really picked a winner this time! LOL)

 
Old 04-25-2006, 09:16 AM   #2
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Re: not attracted to new guy?

I defiantly think attraction can grow when you get to know someone. I think attraction right off can in the same way change. If you feel this guy is a genuine guy I say give him a chance and see what happens. The good ones can be far and few in between.

 
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Old 04-25-2006, 09:57 AM   #3
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BostonGirl44 HB User
Re: not attracted to new guy?

I agree with lovethoscurls. I was friends with one of my exes for a short time before we started dating. He was such a sweet and nice guy to me but I didn't feel that attraction that I wanted. He ended up having feelings for me and after spending a lot of time together, I realized that I became completely attracted to him too. And again, like lovethoscurls said, it can work the other way. I'm still friends with another ex who I was attracted to immediately and now I look at him and think, "What was I thinking???"

 
Old 04-25-2006, 10:07 AM   #4
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charlatans HB User
Re: not attracted to new guy?

attraction can grow...to begin with i thought my ex was okish in looks...now he blows me away

 
Old 04-25-2006, 11:34 AM   #5
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Veronica_Mars HB User
Re: not attracted to new guy?

I'm not sure...I've felt that way about a ton of guys, as in, he's a great guy who would make a great boyfriend, but he just doesn't really turn me on. In my experience, it doesn't end well, so while it's cool to give it more time and see, I'd try to avoid getting too involved with him if you don't start to feel more attracted to him over time. Sometimes people are just better off as friends.

 
Old 04-25-2006, 12:22 PM   #6
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tigerlillyrose HB User
Re: not attracted to new guy?

Thanks all. I don't want to hurt this guy because he's so nice, so I think it's best to take it slow and see what happens, I guess. It's just such a bad time for me because I really need someone in my life who I feel legitimately cares about me. I just wonder if I'm overlooking the obvious (no attraction) because of that need and the fear that I won't ever find someone who cares about me again?

 
Old 04-25-2006, 04:31 PM   #7
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SOAPFLAKE HB User
Re: not attracted to new guy?

I have had partners in the past where thre was definetly physical attraction, but nothing much else. But then there are the ones where they are kind, generous, have loads in common with, and get on with like a house on fire! But, for me if I don't fancy them, I have tried in the past to kid myself, just because I want a nice man to date.

I do think when dating a nice sweet guy, after time you will find yourself finding that persons personality attractive, but I personally don't think you will suddenly find them physically attractive.

I definitely believe chemistry is either there or not! it depends on what the person wants or accepts with a partner, and also think that having physical attraction is what defines the difference between friend and partner.

Last edited by SOAPFLAKE; 04-25-2006 at 04:32 PM.

 
Old 04-25-2006, 04:54 PM   #8
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SophiaM HB User
Re: not attracted to new guy?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Veronica_Mars
I'm not sure...I've felt that way about a ton of guys, as in, he's a great guy who would make a great boyfriend, but he just doesn't really turn me on. In my experience, it doesn't end well, so while it's cool to give it more time and see, I'd try to avoid getting too involved with him if you don't start to feel more attracted to him over time. Sometimes people are just better off as friends.
It's sort of my experience, too. Surely, attraction can grow, but within a reasonable amount of time. For example, I wasn't that attracted to my last boyfriend from the beginning, but I still thought he had a nice body; just didn't like his face too much. And from there, it grew to me being practically addicted to him and thinking he was the most handsome guy ever. But it has to be always something. You have to find some feature of his physically attractive to you. Actually, once I got a crush on a guy in high school who I thought had nothing that was physically attractive to me: a red-head with freckles But in fact, he had some characteristics that I always found attractive: he was tall and lean, had a great sense of humor, wickedly intelligent, great dancer, and self confident. So, is there anything at all that turns you on about this guy?

 
Old 04-25-2006, 06:00 PM   #9
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LostMyHeart HB User
Re: not attracted to new guy?

I definitely think attraction can grow. I've known guys in the past who I didn't find the least bit attracted to, until after getting to know their personality.
A person's personality can make an unattractive person very attractive.

 
Old 04-25-2006, 06:40 PM   #10
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tigerlillyrose HB User
Re: not attracted to new guy?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
It's sort of my experience, too. Surely, attraction can grow, but within a reasonable amount of time. For example, I wasn't that attracted to my last boyfriend from the beginning, but I still thought he had a nice body; just didn't like his face too much. And from there, it grew to me being practically addicted to him and thinking he was the most handsome guy ever. But it has to be always something. You have to find some feature of his physically attractive to you. Actually, once I got a crush on a guy in high school who I thought had nothing that was physically attractive to me: a red-head with freckles But in fact, he had some characteristics that I always found attractive: he was tall and lean, had a great sense of humor, wickedly intelligent, great dancer, and self confident. So, is there anything at all that turns you on about this guy?
Well, he has beautiful eyes, but he looks a little like my uncle...It's not just how he looks, it's also little things like his accent, and not being self confident. I can deal with the accent (I think) but I can't deal with having to reassure him about everything. Physically, he's not ugly, and I'm not really into pretty boys (I can appreciate their beauty, don't get me wrong, but my man doesn't have to look like Brad Pitt by any means). It's just that I FEAR sex will be unbearable. I mean, if he asks me all the time "Do you like what I'm wearing?" "Do you like the way I look?" What is sex going to be like?!! I hate insecure questions during sex! Oh, I'm really not sure about this.

HOWEVER, I do think that if I take it slowly and tell him (in a nice way) that this lack of self-confidence is a turn-off, and that I DON'T want to see it in bed, then maybe it could work? Am I totally delusional? You have to understand, also, that I've just spent time with my family (which no amount of valium can prepare me for... ), so I have in my head the dialogue of their god awful comments. And my friends all think I should be dating some Greek god, I'm no spring chicken here and not a supermodel, so not gonna happen...Oy, I'm exhausted.

 
Old 04-25-2006, 08:42 PM   #11
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Re: not attracted to new guy?

Eww, he's not at all confident? I can completely understand why you are turned off by that. I really think that people have every right to turn their backs on a promising romantic partner when that person just doesn't strike the right sexual chords in them. Let's face it, sexual attraction is what differentiates platonic affection from actual desire, and if it seems to be always missing, there may very well be something off with the relationship. Sweetie, please take my advice here...I'm very young but have a whole lot of experience with men, and I promise, if you have no desire (even a slight revulsion) toward sex with him now, that's not likely to change. You can try to make love once you feel more affection for him, but my experience lends me to believe that if you don't want him physically now, it's just not likely to happen. I hate to say it, but I think a lot of times women end up with men who don't turn them on just because they're good guys, and this ends up making both people miserable in the long run.

 
Old 04-25-2006, 10:09 PM   #12
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tigerlillyrose HB User
Re: not attracted to new guy?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Veronica_Mars
Eww, he's not at all confident? I can completely understand why you are turned off by that. I really think that people have every right to turn their backs on a promising romantic partner when that person just doesn't strike the right sexual chords in them. Let's face it, sexual attraction is what differentiates platonic affection from actual desire, and if it seems to be always missing, there may very well be something off with the relationship. Sweetie, please take my advice here...I'm very young but have a whole lot of experience with men, and I promise, if you have no desire (even a slight revulsion) toward sex with him now, that's not likely to change. You can try to make love once you feel more affection for him, but my experience lends me to believe that if you don't want him physically now, it's just not likely to happen. I hate to say it, but I think a lot of times women end up with men who don't turn them on just because they're good guys, and this ends up making both people miserable in the long run.

But, but, but, but....No, you may be right Veronica, but, let me make this point: Youth rules this word. It defines sexuality and relationships. I don't have that. I'm not 22. Hell, I'm not even 32... You also have to understand that romantic love turns into friendship, which turns into a partnership (i.e. a business relationship for retirement...). So, at 38, never married (and don't want to be), my options are not the same as yours. That's just reality. And believe me, girl, I say, take those options now. I bear no ill will torwards the young and nubile. You work it girl! Go get those men! As for me, I have to be a little bit more...how shall we say it...careless...

 
Old 04-25-2006, 10:19 PM   #13
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Veronica_Mars HB User
Re: not attracted to new guy?

I see what you're saying...I think only you can decide whether this guy is right for you. If you could see yourself feeling attraction toward him in the future, then I'd say take it slow and see what happens. You can always break things off later if your feelings don't change. But remember that at any age the world is filled with men, and if this one isn't right for you, someone else will be.

Last edited by Veronica_Mars; 04-26-2006 at 07:07 PM.

 
Old 04-25-2006, 10:21 PM   #14
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mystic_star HB User
Re: not attracted to new guy?

Tigerlilly, you are such a trip girl! I love reading your posts!!

 
Old 04-26-2006, 07:03 PM   #15
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tigerlillyrose HB User
Re: not attracted to new guy?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Veronica_Mars
OH please trust me, most judges just let things go when they're covering wives vs. husbands please. Sweetie, please believe me, I agree with everything that you're saying. We definitely have to get more involved with those we mean to eliminate or else they will sing the songs of those who elinimate us...all the smart american young people out there know that you use this competition as a way to judge who deserves power in america, and i just hope you were the right answer...

'Kay now, Veronica, I'm the old b***h here, I should be doling out all the wisdom. You youngins keep it to yourselves until you've earned the crow's feet and fat rolls that go along with such wisdom. You hear me, missy? . No, I think you are right. I don't want you to be, but you are saying what my gut is...(and guts are not known for making pleasant noises...but one cannot deny the veracity of those noises....or the smell... ). Thanks girl. BUT NOW WHAT THE HELL DO I DO???

 
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