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Old 04-25-2006, 10:47 PM   #1
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Veronica_Mars HB User
Should I be loyal to this guy?

Hi everyone,

I am hoping that those of you who know me will reply so I don't have to repeat what I have said in a lot of previous posts. What I am wondering about is whether a guy I've become involved with intends to have any future plans with me and if so, whether or not I should feel badly about getting involved with other prospects in the meantime.

Anyway, I guess I should still provide some background. I graduated from a very elite college 2 years ago and still keep in close with lots of people there with extensive information on other alumni. I never wanted to find one lover or a boyfriend or anything like that, but I started to look at friends' friends to see if there was anyone in our little community that I wanted to get to know. I saw one really hot guy, who had become extremely successful through this networking site, and wrote him saying that I was impressed with his profile.

He wrote back right away, this being sometime in January, saying that he loved what I'd had to say too and that he wanted to meet up. We did meet and while I was blown away in person, I knew he was too smart and successful to fall for anything superficial. Since then, over time (he's busy teaching at the best high school in the state, coaching their sports teams, and getting his doctorate in education so he can be the dean of students at a ritzy private school in my hometown), we've started to become quite close, physically and emotionally. I've always preferred to sleep with men before I fall for them, as there can be quite a disconnect there, but I definitely think that this fellow alumni is worth my time. I think he thinks so too, because he calls me an awful lot considering his schedule and he always seems to answer his phone when I call. He also took plenty of time deliberating whether he was going to stay and teach here vs. whether he was going to head off and teach in my old neighborhood. He was still very conflicted about this while we first were together, and I can't help but think that his deliberation and subsequent decision to take the job where I'll be has at least something to do with me.

This could be nothing but unwarranted arrogance, which I certainly admit to suffering from...but I don't know, I think a guy that busy wouldn't take a lot of time out of his schedule to talk to a woman he didn't have any interest in. This particular guy and I have chatted a few times per week, including nearly every weekend night, since the new year. My instincts tell me that he's into me but doesn't know how to act since I'm so unusually independent and told him from the onset that I had no interest in one boyfriend. But when I get together with him late at night, during the few times he has free, I get the impression he thinks I'm his girl and that neither of us is tied up with anyone else. Part of me thinks since he isn't available a lot of the time, he should be cool with me doing whatever I want, but I know guys aren't like that when it comes to girls they feel are special for whatever reason. I guess my question is, if I like this guy, is it still ok for me to hook up with other guys if they're hot enough? And do I really owe some guy who can't see me more than once a week any loyalty?

Last edited by Veronica_Mars; 04-25-2006 at 10:54 PM.

 
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Old 04-25-2006, 10:53 PM   #2
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tigerlillyrose HB User
Re: Should I be loyal to this guy?

So, what's your question exactly? It sounds like you're into him, he's into you...I mean, what the hell? Life is too short. Go for it.

 
Old 04-25-2006, 11:04 PM   #3
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eve40 HB User
Re: Should I be loyal to this guy?

Until a man is willing to devote himself exclusively to you, you do not owe him the same loyality, period, no further discussion. Once he suggests this.........well that's a whole new can of worms isn't it?
And, don't fall for the myth that if you are exclusive, to him, he will want to, feel comfortable enough or get the idea, that he wants to be exclusive too. As you say, men rule the world, they know when they want a woman and will do what they must to get her full attention.

Last edited by eve40; 04-25-2006 at 11:08 PM.

 
Old 04-25-2006, 11:16 PM   #4
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Veronica_Mars HB User
Re: Should I be loyal to this guy?

I love you ladies! I agree wholeheartedly. I guess the issue is that I feel like I have time for him and he's too busy for any woman, but at the same time, he had a major party to which I was invited as his girl, and I've made it clear to him that I'm going to be gone for several weeks. He knows that we'll be living in the same city, but then when I told him he didn't owe me anything after sex and told me that he'd been concentrating on national security, I didn't know what to say. But all that said, I think he's very interested in considering all our intellectual connections. And forbidding other orders, please get yourselves to someplace where you can take cover, despite the peculiaritities.

 
Old 04-25-2006, 11:44 PM   #5
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MysteriousGuy HB User
Re: Should I be loyal to this guy?

Are you asking us whatever you should be in a romantic relationship but one that are not monogamous? If both of you are okay with it, then I don't see why not.

I myself have been considering whetever or not would I be okay with this kind of relationship but I am sure that I will never get enough experience with women like you did with men or anywher close to it to be okay with that. I would need that kind of experience first to be okay with it should a woman I fell in love with desire it.

 
Old 04-26-2006, 08:55 AM   #6
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Should I be loyal to this guy?

Well, it sounds like you both like each other and are very compatible. Would you like to have an exclusive relationship with him? Seems like you do anyway. Hmm, maybe you could discuss this with him at some point soon? Ask him if he's dating anyone else. On the other hand, if you don't want to have an exclusive relationship, I guess you can just continue the way you are..

 
Old 04-26-2006, 10:42 AM   #7
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Hiya HB User
Re: Should I be loyal to this guy?

I think it's always a good idea to get these things out in the open and make sure there's a clear understanding between the two people. It sounds like you two have never had an open, frank discussion about exclusivity and what your relationship is, I hear a lot of guessing and assuming. I think you should just be really honest with him about your intentions and ask him to be honest about his.

 
Old 04-26-2006, 08:20 PM   #8
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Veronica_Mars HB User
Re: Should I be loyal to this guy?

You guys are totally right. You give great advice. I knew I should ask about this situation. I guess my question boils down to, is it okay for him to know I'm dating other guiys? I'm 98% sure he isn't dating other girls, and that makes me uncomfortable in some ways. But on the other hand, neither of us has the time or motivation for a serious exclusive relationship in the immediate future. I could see him becoming my boyfriend at some point. Actually, I'm also worried because what is happening between us--friends with benefits I guess--is also how I got started with my first boyfriend, and I still can't get totally rid of him. I just don't meet a ton of guys who I am attracted to both intellectually and physically, and I don't like to let them go once I find them (and vice versa, it seems).

So please help me once again...do you think I should mention any of this, or just stick with the status quo? I have to admit that I kind of love our status quo. We talk on the phone sometimes, get together maybe once a week, which is probably all the free time he has, and it leaves me free to do whatever else I want the rest of the time. I just feel a little bad that he might be hurt if he found out what I was up to with other guys. I don't want to tell him because it just seems kind of mean, but on the other hand, I want to be honest. Do you all think I should have some sort of conversation with him? If so, what should I say? Oooh that is already making me nervous; I hate those kind of "let's talk about us" conversations. But still, part of me thinks that some things need to be clarified. What do you all think?

 
Old 04-26-2006, 08:34 PM   #9
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tigerlillyrose HB User
Re: Should I be loyal to this guy?

Unless he is saying things like "When we're married..." or house hunting for the future, he is giving you space, and not asking questions (I assume) which means that you are free as a bird, child, but I'd caution you that if you become truly interested in an exclusive relationship with him, you just tone down the other guy action for a while until you have "the talk", i.e. the "I don't want you seeing other men" talk (which is always how "the talk" went down with me, but nowadays it could be the "Are we exclusive?" talk...a less "Me Tarzan, you Jane" talk...far less sexy, but definitely more politically correct. Actually, "the talk" may be so politically correct now that I could be engaged to several men and not know it....and that *would* explain all those engagement rings I have.... )

 
Old 04-26-2006, 09:59 PM   #10
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Mr.G HB User
Re: Should I be loyal to this guy?

LOL see this is exactly what I am talking about. I think I finally understand women. Some women just are not loyal no matter what and others are. I am guessing you are the adventerious type. Just straight up tell him that you date a lot of guys and if he is not ok with it then he can leave. Why is it always ok when women cheat or "date a lot" as they call it. Well whatever I am not worried about it anymore...I guess I will just have to learn to be cool with how women are.

 
Old 04-27-2006, 05:34 PM   #11
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Lance0204 HB User
Re: Should I be loyal to this guy?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mcgunther
I think I finally understand women.
do you really believe that??

 
Old 04-27-2006, 10:04 PM   #12
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Mr.G HB User
Re: Should I be loyal to this guy?

I Unserstand that I will never understand them.

 
Old 04-28-2006, 12:13 PM   #13
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Should I be loyal to this guy?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mcgunther
I Unserstand that I will never understand them.
ditto for understanding men

 
Old 04-28-2006, 02:24 PM   #14
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Nina000 HB User
Re: Should I be loyal to this guy?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mcgunther
LOL see this is exactly what I am talking about. I think I finally understand women. Some women just are not loyal no matter what and others are. I am guessing you are the adventerious type. Just straight up tell him that you date a lot of guys and if he is not ok with it then he can leave. Why is it always ok when women cheat or "date a lot" as they call it. Well whatever I am not worried about it anymore...I guess I will just have to learn to be cool with how women are.
Are you paranoid about women Mcgunther? I can actually sense a less adventurous "Veronica" here And this is NOt cheating, she is making up her mind about a decision that is very important to her and she is only contemplating compromise. It is not easy, given her strong attitudes and independent personality, and definitely not always productive to invest too much emotionally, but without risks, things will always remain less exciting or at best vague.

Last edited by Nina000; 04-28-2006 at 02:24 PM.

 
Old 04-28-2006, 02:33 PM   #15
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Mr.G HB User
Re: Should I be loyal to this guy?

Nah I just been acting like a **** latley.

 
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