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Old 04-26-2006, 09:37 AM   #1
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Question Is this the wrong approach to dating?

My friend told me recently that I have the wrong approach to dating. See, when I meet someone who really interests me, I usually can't help but get somewhat 'invested' in that person and don't have much of a desire to date others at the same time. My friend says this is not good and might seem "desperate" and turn a guy off. It's not like I'm stalking anyone or bombarding them with phonecalls--but when I'm excited about getting to know someone, I just kind of lose interest in meeting other men. Is this wrong of me? Am I sabotaging myself by putting all my eggs in one basket, so to speak? In the past, when I met my ex-boyfriends in person, it seemed like we were always dating only each other from the start. Nobody even had to bring up the 'are we exclusive?' talk because it was simply assummed. But with this online dating it's so different. Would a guy get the wrong impression and think of a woman as "desperate" if she returned his emails the same day and seemed enthusiastic about talking to him? Would that scare him off? What do you guys think? Personally, I feel like dating a few people at the same time dilutes something and it's just like going through the motions--not romantic at all.

Last edited by SophiaM; 04-26-2006 at 09:42 AM.

 
Old 04-26-2006, 09:51 AM   #2
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Re: Is this the wrong approach to dating?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
My friend told me recently that I have the wrong approach to dating. See, when I meet someone who really interests me, I usually can't help but get somewhat 'invested' in that person and don't have much of a desire to date others at the same time. My friend says this is not good and might seem "desperate" and turn a guy off. It's not like I'm stalking anyone or bombarding them with phonecalls--but when I'm excited about getting to know someone, I just kind of lose interest in meeting other men. Is this wrong of me? Am I sabotaging myself by putting all my eggs in one basket, so to speak? In the past, when I met my ex-boyfriends in person, it seemed like we were always dating only each other from the start. Nobody even had to bring up the 'are we exclusive?' talk because it was simply assummed. But with this online dating it's so different. Would a guy get the wrong impression and think of a woman as "desperate" if she returned his emails the same day and seemed enthusiastic about talking to him? Would that scare him off? What do you guys think? Personally, I feel like dating a few people at the same time dilutes something and it's just like going through the motions--not romantic at all.
I think what's important is to continue to maintain your own interests, keep your schedule, like if you go for a workout or a run three times a week, don't cut it down to one just to make time for him so you can be there for him when he calls. If he wants to see you he'll make time and fit you into his schedule instead of always expecting you to fit him into yours at his convenience. As far as dating more than one at a time, I don't think it's necessary to appear casual and not desperate. That sort of falls into the game playing catagory. Answering an email with a quick "hi, nice to hear from you, yes, I'm free Friday, that sounds nice. Call me Thursday to confirm plans." I don't think you have to resort to playing games, just keep yourself and your own life a priority.

 
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Old 04-26-2006, 10:40 AM   #3
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Re: Is this the wrong approach to dating?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hiya
I think what's important is to continue to maintain your own interests, keep your schedule, like if you go for a workout or a run three times a week, don't cut it down to one just to make time for him so you can be there for him when he calls. If he wants to see you he'll make time and fit you into his schedule instead of always expecting you to fit him into yours at his convenience. As far as dating more than one at a time, I don't think it's necessary to appear casual and not desperate. That sort of falls into the game playing catagory. Answering an email with a quick "hi, nice to hear from you, yes, I'm free Friday, that sounds nice. Call me Thursday to confirm plans." I don't think you have to resort to playing games, just keep yourself and your own life a priority.
This is exactly what I would have said.

 
Old 04-26-2006, 11:03 AM   #4
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Re: Is this the wrong approach to dating?

I agree. I'm completely like you in the sense that when I've dated in the past I had zero interested in juggling dates with different prospects. I mean, how can you honestly move in the right direction with any one person if you're so lowly invested that you're seeing a few others on the side and trying to make that connection with them all at once?! To me, it would distract me from getting to know someone and sure as heck be a pain in the butt when it came to scheduling!!

Not to mention, when dating someone the whole point is to be getting to know them on a personal level, it would feel so contrived to hop from restaurant to restaurant asking the same questions and seeing if I feel better about one or the other. Ew, I can't really picture doing that.

I think you have a realistic and fair view to dating, probably because I share those views, but I wouldn't change them. It's hard enough going through ONE dating process at a time, could you imagine shuffling 2 or 3 men at once? Ew and what happens when things get a little physical, if they do? Ew awkward!!

 
Old 04-26-2006, 11:09 AM   #5
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Re: Is this the wrong approach to dating?

Date more then one, if you are interested in more then one. You owe no man exclusive rights, until you both want them. But I agree with Hiya, have a full life other then with the gentleman in question. Make room for him, but don't change your daily activities for him.

Last edited by eve40; 04-26-2006 at 11:19 AM.

 
Old 04-26-2006, 11:14 AM   #6
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Re: Is this the wrong approach to dating?

If the man is interested in a relationship with you, he'll not care that you are talking to him exclusively. It's probably that these particular guys that you aren't making any progress with are only interested in playing the field. When I met my BF...we both went crazy head over heals for eachother after just a couple times of speaking to eachother. He was interested in a long term relationship and wasn't interested in playing games. We just hit it off right away.
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Old 04-26-2006, 11:25 AM   #7
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Re: Is this the wrong approach to dating?

I think it's important to remember that there are a lot of fish in the sea, but how will you know which is the best match, if you never get to know each other because you're busy seeing other people? The problem with dating multiple people simultanously is that it's hard to get a feel for how you click together. So long as you're not stalking these guys, I don't see any reason to get concerned about how often you email/communicate with them. If they are that easily scared off, and don't understand that you're just trying to get to know them, then they probably aren't ready for a relationship anyway.

 
Old 04-26-2006, 11:35 AM   #8
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Re: Is this the wrong approach to dating?

Sophia917,
I completely agree with you that dating multiple people is too distracting and does not allow you to focus your attention. Of course I just read The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy and 95% of the male traits/approaches did not fit with my style and 95% of the female ones did. I am not gay or bisexual by any means but I just act much differently than most guys (I am a very good communicator) and am not an assertive/aggressive type. Several girls from online want to go out with me but I am so fixated on trying to convince this one girl to give me a chance at a relationship that I don't want to even think about anyone else right now.

mrslots

 
Old 04-26-2006, 11:40 AM   #9
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Re: Is this the wrong approach to dating?

Quote:
Originally Posted by keepsgoin
If the man is interested in a relationship with you, he'll not care that you are talking to him exclusively. It's probably that these particular guys that you aren't making any progress with are only interested in playing the field. When I met my BF...we both went crazy head over heals for eachother after just a couple times of speaking to eachother. He was interested in a long term relationship and wasn't interested in playing games. We just hit it off right away.
Thanks guys! Yeah, that's kind of how I am, too--if I'm interested, I'm interested and it's hard to pretend I'm not. I'm mostly asking for the future, since I'm not dating anyone right now. But I've been corresponding with this one guy who sounds like someone I would like to get to know, and when I mentioned him to my friend, she said I was going about it the wrong way, focusing on one guy while I should be going out wiht a variety of guys to maximize my chances. This sounds so unromantic to me, though. The guy I'm corresponding with sounds so much more interesting than the other ones I've spoken to; the only problem is that he doesn't live in the same city as I. Does that mean I'm "commitmentphobic" because I'm even bothering with a guy who doesn't live close by?

 
Old 04-26-2006, 02:25 PM   #10
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Re: Is this the wrong approach to dating?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
But with this online dating it's so different. Would a guy get the wrong impression and think of a woman as "desperate" if she returned his emails the same day and seemed enthusiastic about talking to him? Would that scare him off? What do you guys think?
No it won't scare him off. He'll assume you're talking to other people too. If you're prompt with your replies, he won't think you're desperate. But he will appreciate that you don't take long to reply.

 
Old 04-26-2006, 02:28 PM   #11
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Re: Is this the wrong approach to dating?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
My friend told me recently that I have the wrong approach to dating. See, when I meet someone who really interests me, I usually can't help but get somewhat 'invested' in that person and don't have much of a desire to date others at the same time. My friend says this is not good and might seem "desperate" and turn a guy off. It's not like I'm stalking anyone or bombarding them with phonecalls--but when I'm excited about getting to know someone, I just kind of lose interest in meeting other men. Is this wrong of me? Am I sabotaging myself by putting all my eggs in one basket, so to speak? In the past, when I met my ex-boyfriends in person, it seemed like we were always dating only each other from the start. Nobody even had to bring up the 'are we exclusive?' talk because it was simply assummed. But with this online dating it's so different. Would a guy get the wrong impression and think of a woman as "desperate" if she returned his emails the same day and seemed enthusiastic about talking to him? Would that scare him off? What do you guys think? Personally, I feel like dating a few people at the same time dilutes something and it's just like going through the motions--not romantic at all.
Okay, you asked, so I must say that I think what you describe above is absolutely the wrong approach to dating. I definitely don't think you're a commitment phobe though, whatever that is. Maybe I am, but in my opinion, it's almost silly to only date one person at a time. How are you ever going to meet guys you like unless you date a bunch all at once? I just think it's really important not to settle, and I have no interest in having a boyfriend right now because there are just too many guys out there who I like dating. Why limit yourself by not getting to know different guys at the same time? The whole point is to make them have to win you over and convince you to date only them...that ensures that you screen out anyone who isn't up to your standards which should be very high, maybe even higher than they are. But not to date anyone else because you are talking to some guy from a dating site? That seems to me like it would take forever to meet any quality guys if you get that invested that soon. And keep in mind that most guys who are single are like me single by choice, they want to date around and meet lots of different people, so from that point of view, it doesn't make sense to put all your eggs in one basket. But that's just my opinion, I know most women wouldn't agree, and maybe there are a lot of men out there looking for just one person too, who knows. Still, I think it's an excellent strategy not to give too much of yourself to anyone too soon...they need to prove their worth first.

 
Old 04-26-2006, 02:55 PM   #12
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Re: Is this the wrong approach to dating?

Sophia, if you were to date say 5 at a time, your feeling won't be with the same intensity for every one of them, so mentally you are more or less dating exclusively.
If you were to feel attracted to every one of them then you are not really attracted to any at all. There is a difference between dating and "emotionally investing". I personally think that it's only natural to gravitate towards one of them.

 
Old 04-26-2006, 03:03 PM   #13
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Re: Is this the wrong approach to dating?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Veronica_Mars
Okay, you asked, so I must say that I think what you describe above is absolutely the wrong approach to dating. I definitely don't think you're a commitment phobe though, whatever that is. Maybe I am, but in my opinion, it's almost silly to only date one person at a time. How are you ever going to meet guys you like unless you date a bunch all at once? I just think it's really important not to settle, and I have no interest in having a boyfriend right now because there are just too many guys out there who I like dating. Why limit yourself by not getting to know different guys at the same time? The whole point is to make them have to win you over and convince you to date only them...that ensures that you screen out anyone who isn't up to your standards which should be very high, maybe even higher than they are. But not to date anyone else because you are talking to some guy from a dating site? That seems to me like it would take forever to meet any quality guys if you get that invested that soon. And keep in mind that most guys who are single are like me single by choice, they want to date around and meet lots of different people, so from that point of view, it doesn't make sense to put all your eggs in one basket. But that's just my opinion, I know most women wouldn't agree, and maybe there are a lot of men out there looking for just one person too, who knows. Still, I think it's an excellent strategy not to give too much of yourself to anyone too soon...they need to prove their worth first.
No, no, I wasn't saying that I wouldn't talk or go out with anyone else just because I'm talking to that guy. He is the only one who even remotely interests me right now, though. But I was just talking in general, since in the past I always dated only one guy at a time, and I'm referring to my pre-online-dating life, which seemed less complicated. I'm not sure that I have such a huge variety of greatly desirable men to choose from at this point. I'm sure it's this way for you since you're 24 and there are a lot of good-looking, educated, normal single guys out there, but for me the pool is already shrinking. The guys who are in their mid to late 30s and stayed single up to now usually have problems with commitment, the ones who are divorced might have an evil ex-wife and a bunch of children, which I would not be too thrilled about. And the somewhat cute single guys my age usually want to date women in their 20s. So, I know that the reality is not as glamorous as I would like it to be. The paradox is that I didn't even have one long-term relationship from online dating, while I had a few from just meeting someone by chance and only dating each other from the start. If going on dates with a few men at the same time should increase my chances of meeting someone special, then for some freakish statistical reason it hasn't happened yet. Most of the girls I know who are married or in long-term relationships also just dated one guy at a time, including my sister. For me, it's hard to develop a strong connection if I know both myself and the guy are going out on countless dates with other people. Maybe I'm too old-fashioned for this modern dating world...

 
Old 04-26-2006, 03:10 PM   #14
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Re: Is this the wrong approach to dating?

Quote:
Originally Posted by OutToLunch
No it won't scare him off. He'll assume you're talking to other people too. If you're prompt with your replies, he won't think you're desperate. But he will appreciate that you don't take long to reply.
Really? That's how I would feel too, if a guy I found attractive showed an interest in me. If someone took weeks to respond or call me back, I would get disappointed and would think they are obviously not into me at all. I'm glad you think the same way.

 
Old 04-26-2006, 03:24 PM   #15
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Re: Is this the wrong approach to dating?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
No, no, I wasn't saying that I wouldn't talk or go out with anyone else just because I'm talking to that guy. He is the only one who even remotely interests me right now, though. But I was just talking in general, since in the past I always dated only one guy at a time, and I'm referring to my pre-online-dating life, which seemed less complicated. I'm not sure that I have such a huge variety of greatly desirable men to choose from at this point. I'm sure it's this way for you since you're 24 and there are a lot of good-looking, educated, normal single guys out there, but for me the pool is already shrinking. The guys who are in their mid to late 30s and stayed single up to now usually have problems with commitment, the ones who are divorced might have an evil ex-wife and a bunch of children, which I would not be too thrilled about. And the somewhat cute single guys my age usually want to date women in their 20s. So, I know that the reality is not as glamorous as I would like it to be. The paradox is that I didn't even have one long-term relationship from online dating, while I had a few from just meeting someone by chance and only dating each other from the start. If going on dates with a few men at the same time should increase my chances of meeting someone special, then for some freakish statistical reason it hasn't happened yet. Most of the girls I know who are married or in long-term relationships also just dated one guy at a time, including my sister. For me, it's hard to develop a strong connection if I know both myself and the guy are going out on countless dates with other people. Maybe I'm too old-fashioned for this modern dating world...

I don't think there are any hard and fast rules that guarantee success. sometimes you just have to go with your gut. I know if I were dating around and met someone I really liked and by the third or fourth date we had kissed and were getting along well and I found out he was still seeing other women and had no immediate plans not to, I'd want to cut him loose. It stands to reason that the more people you date, the greater your chances of meeting one you will really hit it off with. But it doesn't always turn out that way. Dating, and just relating to other people, associating with different types of people, helps you grow and learn more about yourself and what you want out of life, but I still tend to believe that you don't HAVE to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince. A lot of it is out of our hands, and it's something that will either just happen or it won't.

 
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