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Old 05-03-2006, 10:22 AM   #1
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Exclamation Torn Up Dying Inside Need Serious Help!!!!

I have read a lot over the past few days of what people are going through. Even posted a few responses. I was looking for someone in a somewhat similar situation to get some help without actually having to share my own story. NO LUCK. I am in a very difficult agonizing situation and I honestly don't know what to do. I am soooooo torn that it is killing me and consumes my every thaught. It is such a long story that I don't even now where to begin nor how much info will fit in this thread.

I have a very strong suspition that my husband really doesn't want to be here anymore. He has completely shut down and backed off away from me. About 3 1/2 years ago we separated because our marriage had just fallen apart beyond fixing at that point. He has what I believe to be Bipolar disorder. I always refer to him as being manic drepressive. My first two children are from a previous marriage where my husband passed away. So I was a single mom for close to five years. We met, started dating and got married fairly quickly. Two years later I became pregnant and our relationship just crumbled. He did not under any curcomstances want his own child. He was a wonderful father to my other two and was happy with them. As soon as I became pregnant he completely backed away from me. Said he looked at me all motherly now. We hadn't had a sexual relationship from then on for two years. It was very difficult and I cried every night for a whole year. After that I stopped crying and built up a wall between us. I always say "when a women stops crying, watch out". A few months before we separated, maybe longer we started having a sexual relationship again. He could see and feel my distance though. I had started a new job and was feeling really good about myself and had gained a lot of confidence and self respect back that was taken from me. When he noticed I was not feeling the same way anymore and realized that he had done this he immediately assumed that I was having an affair. Of course I was NOT!! We then discussed everything that had happened and he asked me if I still loved him. It took me a week to really process all this information and go over the past couple of years. At the end of the week he asked again and I said no. He immediately jumped up and stated then we will have to divorce that it was over. I became numb and completely ****** off that I had tolerated that behavior for two years and then the one time I said something he didn't like he was out the door. Needless to say, I didn't fight him on it at all. I new that if we were ever going to work things out we needed to be apart.

He moved to another state and moved in with a family member. We would meet every weekend to exchange our daughter. He was so cruel all the time. So mean and hurtful while we were apart. As if I had devestated him and he was seaking revenge. All I did was answer a question and stopped loving him because of what he had done and he had behaved. Anyway, our separation was ok for the first month. Then, my two older kids melted down. It was horrible. The effects on them were tremendous. I was working so much just to support them alone again and going through a tough time to boot. After another couple of months we had missed eachother so much and were really really talking and discussing what went wrong and how we had gotten married way too quickly and so on. We had decided to get back together and we both were so happy and excited again. More than when we were first married.

I then moved myself and the kids to the new state he was in. He found us a home pretty quickly and we moved. The first year together was wonderful. Better than ever before. Part of us getting back together was agreeing that I needed to stay home and take care of the kids. No more chaos of babysitters and running around picking up kids and they would be able to join after school activities. The perfect home setting. Not too long after we moved, I started to become very ill. After about 6 months of that I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Now I have completely changed into a different person. I am not the fun loving energetic person I was. I am always in pain and very sick. Taking different medicines and coping with the loss of who I once was. In the midst of that, we attending a gathering where I had been sexually assaulted. Since then I have gained a lot of weight from many different medicines I have tried to get my illness under control. Everything that has happened to me. The illness and the assault he has taken on as something that has happened to him. Like his life is over, it's affecting him. Instead of being there for me, he is the victom. I am the one going through the pain and he is the one that is supposed to be there for me, not the other way around.

Now we are back to where we were before. He has completely shut down and backed away from me. I have learned my lesson from the past and have tried to approach him and be affectionate still. I have tried talking to him about what is going on and that if we don't fix this, we will end up divorcing. I don't want that to happen. We have not had "relations" in maybe 6 months. He is seriously bothered by the fact that we have nothing in common anymore. We don't like the same shows, same movies, and since my illness, the same activities. He is a get up and go kind of person. My get up and go has gone up and went. I wish I weren't that way, but I have no control over it. We barely even talk to eachother anymore. It's like he doesn't even want to be around me. We haven't slept in the same bed for a very long time. He goes to bed at 9, I am not ready for sleep then. Kids are still up and my sleep meds haven't kicked in. I can't just go to bed while everyone is still up and/or getting ready for bed. He get's up at 5:30 for work, so he has to go to bed that early. I totally get it. Do to my illness I need solid sleep or I will be horrible the next day. He snores really bad. He has even had surgery for apnea and it is still so loud that I can't sleep so this is the only alternative for us both to get a good nights rest. I am ok with that if everything was good. When I tried talking to him about our problems, he said he is just so spent from working and the stress from hating his career and financial things and kids that he has nothing left to give me. He has nothing left. He hasn't even tried. Eventhough I said we will end up divorced he hasn't tried anything. I have tried things here and there. I will go up to him and hug him from behind while he is standing there. He won't even flinch. I will go up to our bedroom and try to start a conversation, but I don't get much in return. He will never come sit next to me and just start talking. He looks at me, when he does, with a blank expression. It's crushing. I truly believe that he hasn't left yet because of the humiliation of having to live with a family member before. We cannot afford to be apart. I believe that he is waiting for his mom to pass to get his (large inheritence) then he will be able to afford to go. One of my main concerns about leaving now is financial. There is no way I can work now with my illness flaring up so bad. There are days that I have a hard time walking. How would I support our children? Where would we live? It affected them so badly before, I can't bare to do it to them again. What about my illness and insurance? I can't bare to have him be so cruel again like the last time we split. It was beyond horrible. I can't take that again with everything I am going through now. I know that I can't live like this either. It is killing me inside. I still love him, but I do not like him. He has shown me that he is not the kind of person I want to spend the rest of my life with. He has abandoned me when I needed him most. Imagine if I were mangled in a car crash and he had to physically take care of me then. He obviously couldn't. That's what love and marriage is. I would do it for him without hesitation. If we were ever to work through this, how could I let go of the fact that I had to go through all this without him. Without his love, comapssion and support. I can't tell you the last time I received some sort of a compliment. Heard I Love You. I am actually, besides my medical issues, quite a catch. I never nag about bills or money or his career. Nothing. I clean the house everday, that my body allows. I am all around a genuinly calm nice person, not selfish by any means. I don't spend money like crazy and put us into debt. I am very conservative about things like that. I am very supportive and complimentative. We have been married now for 8 1/2 years. I want to do what's right for me and our children, but I also don't want to make a foolish mistake. My mom thinks I should do nothing right now because of my situation. She means it from the heart. She truly understands what I am going through.

 
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Old 05-03-2006, 10:23 AM   #2
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Re: Torn Up Dying Inside Need Serious Help!!!!

I knew I was going to need more space.


So if I am right. My gut is correct and he is waiting for his inheritance to leave, what will happen to me then. Plus I also think he isn't going now because his mom was soooooooo dissappointed when we split last time. I know that weighs a lot on him. I can feel it. Antoher reason to wait till she passes, she won't be there to say anything to him. I feel like I am wasting precious years, but I have responsibilities not to take this lightly and just walk because I am unhappy. I owe it to myself and my children to do everything in my power to try and not give up. I don't know how to do that. I would feel just horrible to move my children out of their schools. It was hard on them enough to go through the split, then back together, moving to a new house, moving to a new state, leaving their old friends. As a mom who loves her children, how could I shake their world up again? Now I know what you are thinking. They know what's going on. In reality, they really don't. We never argue. We are very cordual and polite to each other. They understand why we sleep separate. We all still sit and eat as a family and do family day trips and stuff. They honestly have no clue. We have kept this very secrative and personal and never have discussed things while they were around. Which again makes it difficult to talk about because they are always around. On the off chance that they are not, I hate to brings things up because I just want to enjoy what little time we have with normal happy conversation.

Taking all this into consideration. Serious consideration. I really need help in figuring out what is the best move to make under all these extreme curcumstances. Not, hah, kick him to the curb blah blah blah. This is a serious matter that would affect a lot of people. Please help!!!!!!!

 
Old 05-03-2006, 12:38 PM   #3
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Re: Torn Up Dying Inside Need Serious Help!!!!

I feel so sad and sorry for your desperate situation. I know it is so hard to live with someone who has bipolar disorder when you are fit and well. Now you have a chronic condition too and need all your resources for you and your children to survive this.
Have you tried going for counselling, either on your own or as a couple, if your husband was willing to go.
It would probably help if you went alone at first, to get some support for yourself and hopefully see a way forward.
It sounds as if you are both very unhappy with the present situation but trying to keep it together for the sake of the children and financial reasons.
I really do admire you and hope that you get all the help that you very much deserve. Take good care of yourself.

 
Old 05-03-2006, 12:47 PM   #4
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Re: Torn Up Dying Inside Need Serious Help!!!!

You sound so unhappy. Listen, you can love some one, but that doesn't mean that he's right for you. You need to give it time before you're okay again, and you know what? At first it's going to be really hard, but I promise it gets easier and easier. Your happiness is worth more than a marriage under any circumstances. If you love him, but you're miserable, I know it's hard...but you deserve a happy life. You can't spend forever with someone who just doesn't cut it any longer.

Your DH reminds me of my father, and my father is the ultimate dips**t.
My dad would wait for the inheritence, because that's the kind of person he is. You couldn't put that past your husband. I know that assuming can be bad, but in this case, you have every right.

I know you don't want a divorce. Not many people do. But YOU need to be happy. Your kids will be happy, I promise you. The pain will fade when you start to realize that you're better off. It'll be okay when you realize that yes, you WILL be okay.

I know this is probably not what you wanted to hear, but you need to make yourself and your sanity the top priority. Think honestly now...do you really think you could be more miserable without him? Without someone to treat you the way he does? The answer, honey, is no. If you don't think so now, think harder. You will not be worse off without him.

It's hard...you can MAKE IT.

My mother was married to my dad for 19 years, they were divorced in November. She didn't have a job for years up until last week. It was hard, but we did it. It takes a whole lot of strength, but you can get through anything, I promise you.

 
Old 05-03-2006, 01:07 PM   #5
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Re: Torn Up Dying Inside Need Serious Help!!!!

Yes I do agree. Part of me already knows that. I did it before when my first husband passed away. I never thought I would be able to get married again and have more children. I am only 33 and have a huge long life ahead of me. I do hear what you are saying and have thought it myself. I did it before I can do it again. I was healthy then. I could run circles around anyone. How do I support myself and my children? I don't even have to means to go anywhere. We are your typical middle class family that gets by. No savings. Happy just to pay the bills without an overlapping balance. How do I look at their faces when I tell them that they do the activities and sports they love because mom has to go back to work again. How do I look at my five year old while she's with me crying for her daddy. Those two are inseperable. These are the things I feel is more important than my feelings. I look at it that my day will come, just not my turn yet. Is that wrong? Is staying the mistake or leaving?

margritm, I am not sure how counseling would go. My little one is still not in school yet. I spend so much on doctors and medicine now. Plus the extreme cost of living happening right now. Guess that's why I reached out here. Thanks so much for your kind words. Both of you !!!

 
Old 05-03-2006, 03:48 PM   #6
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Re: Torn Up Dying Inside Need Serious Help!!!!

Jeesh, this is consuming my every thought right now. I keep popping on like every ten minutes looking for respsponses. I can't help but that no matter what I do it will be the wrong choice. SIGH

 
Old 05-04-2006, 10:50 AM   #7
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Re: Torn Up Dying Inside Need Serious Help!!!!

hi kiddo,
here i am. you are an abused woman. if you like being one, stay. if you want your children to turn out like him, stay. if you want your daughter to marry someone like him, stay. we decide the value of ourselves, no one else. you gave him the power to drag you down. you gave up your power and that is never a wise move.
i was a slow learner. i had to pick two men who were manics before i figured out i was the magnet. so i unplugged myself and have been single since. i am older than you so there is no way i am going to go there again. not worth it. i pick jerks.
sure it was hard. i figure, once i know i am doing something wrong, i have to stop. so i did. now, no man can blame me for his inadequesies. and blame me they did. oh! and i chose to believe them. hello??? if you were this way when i met you how is it my fault? i never bothered to ask them that question. why bother? took me long enough to figure it out. total of 29 years.
i also have fibromyalgia. it started 7 years into my "relationship" with a man i call IT. IT was nothing to brag about before i got sick. after, well downhill all the way. till one day IT chased me down the hall. IT knew IT was on the way out. i was trying to find a way to buy IT out of the house. now here i was 16 years into a mess i started.
i moved him out of my room 4 years before the police took him away that night. i am done playing the role of helpless. sick or not, i would rather beg on the street with my kids, or go live with family, than allow any human that much power over my freedom, my sanity, my health.
we all decide what we are willing to live with in order to feel loved, safe, whatever. only you can decide. i set my standards very high and i am keeping them that way. the first time you make an excuse to yourself about his behavior you have ignored your instincts. repeat the behavior enough times and you end up right where you are.
you fell for the oldest trick in the book. stay home honey, take care of the babies. there goes your self esteem. right out the window with your job.
my fibromyalgia got so much better after i got rid of IT and the baggage associated with being in the wrong relationship with the wrong person. believe me, any stress life throws at me now is easy, without the useless juggling act. heck, i had a stroke in march. and i am having surgery on my knee on the 15th. i have friends. they help me.
by the way i was dumb enough to fall for the, move away from your support system, line too. so, don't kick yourself too hard. oh, the lines we choose to fall for when we want love. all we reap is unhealthy, unhealthy.
peace,
bluelakelady

Last edited by bluelakelady; 05-04-2006 at 10:57 AM.

 
Old 05-04-2006, 11:01 AM   #8
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Re: Torn Up Dying Inside Need Serious Help!!!!

ps. it is never the wrong choice when we take a stand and teach our children that abuse is wrong and you can get out. what do you want your children to learn by your actions? words mean nothing to children. they are watchers.
peace,
bluelakelady

 
Old 05-04-2006, 01:07 PM   #9
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Re: Torn Up Dying Inside Need Serious Help!!!!

What do you mean by abuse. I always characterized by hitting, controlling, screaming, cursing, name calling. I am unsure how this relates. Unless it is neglect. Now that, I've got.

 
Old 05-05-2006, 12:51 AM   #10
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Re: Torn Up Dying Inside Need Serious Help!!!!

i have no idea what to tell you- OMG my heart goes out to you. Im sorry.

 
Old 05-05-2006, 02:11 AM   #11
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Re: Torn Up Dying Inside Need Serious Help!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by mrsnank
What do you mean by abuse. I always characterized by hitting, controlling, screaming, cursing, name calling. I am unsure how this relates. Unless it is neglect. Now that, I've got.
Abuse is really any kind of mistreatment, and I would class neglect as mistreatment so why not also as abuse? Ok, it may not be as immediately threatening as physical violence, but over time the effect can be just as damaging.

One thing that has occured to me whilst reading your messages is that your primary concern seems to be staying for the kids and financial safety. However, you've said that you suspect your husband would leave you once his mother passes and he can claim the inheritance, in which case your kids are going to get hurt sooner or later, and you still may end up alone when he gets his opportunity to go. Why not be proactive and make the decision to leave YOUR decision, not his when it suits him.

Seriously, if you do nothing, you'll look back years later and wonder why you wasted so much time doing nothing and you'll regret it like hell. Your illness may be debilitating, but again it may get easier once the stress of the current situation is past. Your kids may not understand now, but in the future they will come to realise that you did what you had to do. Two unhappy parents do not make a happy family, sooner or later they'll realise what is going on.

All the best

 
Old 05-05-2006, 04:56 AM   #12
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Re: Torn Up Dying Inside Need Serious Help!!!!

Your situation is gut wrenching. I am so very sorry for what you're going through.

You seem very anxious about what will happen to you if it turns out that he is simply waiting for his mother to pass. I know this might sound blunt, but perhaps if you knew your options, you could rest easier. Would you consider contacting an attorney to see your options? I'm not suggesting that you should file for divorce, but that you get some advice from a lawyer so that you know your rights if his mother does pass and he does decide to leave you. If you know that you have a right to support and that your children have a right to support then at least that's one thing less to be anxious about.

If money is an issue, perhaps you could see if there's a community legal aid clinic, or a legal aid clinic at a local university (i.e. law students provide free legal advice under the supervision of an experienced lawyer)? Or perhaps there are support networks for women in your area that you could tap into? They can usually direct you to free / low cost services (normally other women who volunteer to provide the services to other women free of charge). If this is something you wanted to look into, a good starting point would be contacting local womens advocacy groups - they either know or will find out where to direct you. More than likely they could find support for you - both for the emotional neglect, sexual assault and to help you sort out what you're entitled to and what you could do if he leaves after his mother passes.

I don't know if this is appropriate or something you'd consider, but have you thought about contacting his mother directly and expressing your concerns? Perhaps she'd be willing to set up a trust to ensure support for her grandchildren?

I'm sorry if the above is overwhelming. I was hoping to be practical.

All the best to you & your kids.

My heart goes out to you.

Last edited by amy2705; 05-05-2006 at 04:58 AM.

 
Old 05-05-2006, 06:27 AM   #13
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Re: Torn Up Dying Inside Need Serious Help!!!!

hi mrsnack,
abuse comes in many forms as the gentleman above stated. neglect is the saddest abuse. it is sneaky, subtle and you don't see it till you have been away from it for a bit. i have been hit, manipulated, controlled, and neglected. the other were up front and i could see them. well not the manipulation at first. but it sinks in.
you have been gifted with some very good choices. ultimatly tho, it is you who must decide.
my son, now 27 wishes we had left his dad when he was a baby. he is a mess. we both know it was those years of hell i put him thru, thinking i was doing the right thing by staying. he is alot like his father when he is in the depressive state. my son is bi-polar. he called last night. he was a jerk. i had to stop him short twice. needless to say the call was brief. it is never too late to try to undo the damage done by my actions. my son is the living result and in reality he is the one who paid, and is paying for my choices, or lack of them.
when i dumped the last guy his daughter was happy for me. his son hates me and blames me for everything. not suprising. he is alot like his father.
for my son the break up is hard. he had come to see this man as his pops. we are continuing a conversation with the goal of him knowing what, if any contact he wants with his pops. he has no contact with his birth father. i councel him to find his father and have his closure. i don't talk dirt to any of my kids about their fathers. they must decide based on how he treats them. not how their fathers treated me.
you are not alone. every woman who has walked in the same shoes is with you.
peace,
bluelakelady

 
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