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-   -   Am I stupid for wanting to stay with him after what he did??? (http://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/389289-am-i-stupid-wanting-stay-him-after-what-he-did.html)

breckgirl 05-07-2006 10:09 PM

Re: Am I stupid for wanting to stay with him after what he did???
 
If it helps you to spill your guts....do! It has helped me. My friends were helpful, however I have found people here who have much more life experience and better advise then my friends do. Talk away!

StenoLady1 05-08-2006 05:17 AM

Re: Am I stupid for wanting to stay with him after what he did???
 
[QUOTE=VoodooQueen]Just a few nights ago, I was praying that my nightmare would be over.

I got my answer: IT'S NOT! I prayed to God, I swear, to just give me just enough strenght to get me through what I was going through.

He sent me a phone call about my cheating boyfriend.

I give up, i'm never going to try to make sense out of life again. It just doesn't.[/QUOTE]

As an objective outsider, God did answer your prayer. This man is not just cheating. He's preying on a child, and you need to know this. He's having sex with a troubled teen in your bed. This is a different level of cheating. This guy is mentally ill and will probably prey again...maybe with a 13-year-old troubled teen next time. Only it won't be your cousin or your daughter because you must get far away from this person and hope he gets caught doing this activity so he's forced to get medical help. Unfortunately, sexual predators rarely get the help they need voluntarily, as they don't see anything "wrong" with what they're doing.

I see these miserable predators every day in court for my job. I just try to tell myself they're sick, they're caught now, and they'll get the help they need while they're off the streets and not preying on someone else's child or sister. But I've always wondered how come their girlfriends stick up for them and plead with the judge for leniency for their men. Mothers I can understand; but girlfriends? Sorry to be blunt, but how could you ever be intimate with this guy again knowing his penis was inside a child's vagina? A CHILD!!!

Cheating, albeit horrible, is one thing. You simply must get strong and see this as a whole 'nother animal. You're not comparing apples to apples. You can make all the excuses you want to for this devient pervert sexually taking advantage of a child (a 50-year-old guy slept with her too for drugs), but in the end, you can't candy coat the fact your GROWN man had sex with a child, obviously an easy target...a troubled teen. How can you condone that? How can you say this guy cared for you? He saw nothing wrong with his actions thanks to his email, "we'll just have to be more careful."

Have yourself a good cry, vent here or with family (have you told your family?) and friends, pick yourself up and get rid of this guy. Be thankful you invested only five years with him and his "prey" wasn't your own flesh and blood.

SophiaM 05-08-2006 05:51 AM

Re: Am I stupid for wanting to stay with him after what he did???
 
I agree with Stenolady--what he did is just not forgivable. I think "god" definitely did you a favor with this phonecall, because even though it hurts like hell now, you will be SO much better off withouth this man in your future. Think about it: he targeted someone super young, troubled, and vulnerable on purpose. Someone you've been trying to help. That's a double betrayal. He had sex with her in your own bed, even shortly after you were sweet enough to throw a surprise birthday party for him!!!! What more do you need? This was going on for almost a year, and he felt no reason to stop it. If the girl's mother hadn't found out, he would be still having sex with her, I'm sure. Do yourself a favor and throw this piece of trash out of your life. He's definitely contributing to you feeling so depleted and unhappy. And also another thing is, this guy was having sex with a teenager who uses drugs and sleeps with different men to get money for drugs. He was not only betraying you, but also putting your health and even life in danger! He DOES NOT care about you, please realize that. Forget about love, but even basic human caring and some compassion--this guy doesn't know what that is. Indeed, god might be saving your life with this phonecall, as dramatic as it sounds. If not this girl, there will be someone else he will most likely do it with in the future. Can you live with the constant fear of him having sex with other women, or teenagers? And no, not all men cheat. You would be making a huge mistake if you stayed with this horrible person, so please, please think about your own well-being first.

mystic_star 05-08-2006 06:28 AM

Re: Am I stupid for wanting to stay with him after what he did???
 
who cares whether it happened once or 300 times? One time is enough to break all ties because this guy has shown you he can't be trusted! Aren't you worried about diseases? He should have known better than to mess around with a 16 year old girl! That's child molestation as far as I'm concerned because she is NOT an adult yet! This guy is a LOSER!!!!!!! He will not change, I promise you that! Move on honey, before you end up with some nasty disease you can't get rid of!

VoodooQueen 05-08-2006 07:25 AM

Re: Am I stupid for wanting to stay with him after what he did???
 
I say this from experience.....

a 15 years in the body of a 25 yr old (no exxageration, I AM ONE OF THEM) can sleep with any men.

This **** happens everyday. Teens sleep with grown people and grown people turning to teens for God knows what reasons. It happened to me, it happened to most of my friends in high school. My mom was 14 when she got engaged to my dad who was 23 at the time.

If all the men that engaged in sex with a minor would all get caught today and go off to jail, there would be very very very very few men walking the streets.

Does that mean that only a small percentage of men are truly healthy in their minds and not sexually perverted and deviated in some way?

Maybe we are living in two different worlds. In mine, i see that sort of thing happen all the time.

It's not to excuse his action or behaviour in any way. It's clear and final that he's nothing more than a ball of dirty parasitic slime.

Did every man i slept with before i turned 18 were the same?

Is my father the same? In all of his old man perverted little ways, HE WOULD NEVER EVER EVER TOUCH A CHILD.

Ohmy God!!!!! This is so screwed up. I can see how people are going to start calling me names too. I never thought people would have such a hard time understanding that some 16 years old people are actually accountable for what they do, just as an adult would. Not all, some of them. I feel like this is going to kill me for the rest of my life. No one will ever understand that she is a wicked child that was long lost and didn't have a parent there for her. This "child" is capable of things i that would never even cross my mind as a 24 year old.

SophiaM 05-08-2006 07:34 AM

Re: Am I stupid for wanting to stay with him after what he did???
 
Honey, this isn't really about HER. Yes, she might very well be really messed up, even "wicked" because a 16-year-old can tell right from wrong, but still, the major responsibility here lies with your boyfriend. HE is the one who was supposed to be committed to you and he's the one who betrayed you and cheated on you behind your back. So, it doesn't really matter who he cheated with, although the fact he did this with someone who is so young and troubled, and who you were trying to mentor is all the more despicable. There's no excuse for what he did, period. Nobody is going to call you names, why would they?? Everyone is feeling compassionate for you and hoping you will have a happy life, especially after all you've been through. But the fact that nobody suggested even for a second that it might be beneficial for you to give this man a second chance should tell you something. Of course, you will make the decision you're comfortable with; we are just offering our support and advice as we would to our real-life friends.

paperdoll 05-08-2006 07:48 AM

Re: Am I stupid for wanting to stay with him after what he did???
 
voodoo, if you think a grown man having sex with a 16 year old is fine, then forgive him and stay with him. you're right that most people will disagree with you that the 16 year old is is basically an adult with a wicked nature. you're going to have a hard time finding people who share that view. if he ever gets arrested for this (or something similar), you'll find that prosecutors determine age of consent by her birthdate, not her cup size.

Your attitude about this whole situation makes me wonder why you would see yourself as a potential mentor to teenage girls.

StenoLady1 05-08-2006 08:11 AM

Re: Am I stupid for wanting to stay with him after what he did???
 
Voodoo, I speak from experience as well. I was a teenager who physically matured quickly. My stepfather did unspeakable things to me. I found out later he preyed on my older teenaged friends through the years, too.

99 percent of the time, children (yes, even 16-year-olds) are not held accountable in this situation because it's not their fault. Their hormones are going wild, they're stuck in that stage when they're tired of being a child, they feel grown up, but the bottom line is: They're not. The adult is responsible for this, not the child. The child at this point needs counseling and psychiatric help so they realize this is wrong. This is what breaks the cycle. Otherwise, you have generation after generation thinking this is acceptable, merely taboo, behavior.

It is not healthy for you to blame the victim. While you are hurt from being betrayed and his family is hurt and embarrassed, please don't forget who the victim is in this. I think professional help would be of great benefit to you, as well, to help you realize that not all men (or women for that matter) are this way and have sex with teenagers. If not for the treatment I received, I, too, would have most likely grown up thinking this was just "taboo," and "it just is what it is" and continued the cycle of looking the other way or justifying it by blaming the victim.

It's time for you to get angry. Yesterday was sad, hurt, dismayed, betrayed. Today you realize exactly what it is he's done and you get ******. Do what needs to be done, and hang on to that email. Soon you might want to call the police yourself, give them your side of the story and the written proof you have in your hands of what this molester has done. You can do your part to help get these guys off the streets. See him for what he is and maybe, just maybe, you'll actually be helping another little girl, whose life is upside down, you've never even met.

VoodooQueen 05-08-2006 09:03 AM

Re: Am I stupid for wanting to stay with him after what he did???
 
I absolutely know that my boyfriend is the one to blame and was the one who had the responsibiity to never let this happen.

But what i'm wondering is, was I molested? Was I abuse? I started having sex at 14 (or maybe 13 even). Nobody pushed me into anything or try to manipulate me to have sex with them. I have never engaged in sex that I did not consent to or wanted.

I don't know, maybe i'm just really agitated and i'm not quite explaining myself properly. I just don't understand how SHE is a victim. I surely wasn't. And i don't think i was a deviated child myself. I've always been a good person, always helping the community and the youth, always stood firm by my values and good education that I've received. I went through a rough patch when i was a teenager and if there's a teenager out there that HASN"T done something outrageous, i need to meet them, because teenage years are the years where, your hormones and your identity and your upringing and everything that you know and don't know is being questioned or being learned through a series of process. Nothing, absolutely, nothing is clear to a teenager, no matter who you are!! So when, it is a time when someone needs guidance and adjustment if need be, which i had when i was younger and adapted myself to the normal living standards of the world.

I was never a victim. I was never abused? I was never touched or handled in anyway i did not wanted to. I was involved with a person where intimacy evolved out of the will and needs of two people. I knew what i was doing, i even knew i was young and maybe the age factor was bad, but it just never felt against my normal course of nature to start having sex when I did. I didn't flunk out of school because of sex (which is what happens to a lot of teens nowadays) or the pressures around it. I just don't see how this can be called abused.

What about the cultures out there, outside of North America, that traditionally and even religiously marry very young. 14-16 year old with someone in their 20's even, older? What are these? Pedophile countries? Entire nations of sexually deviated men who go for little girls?

I guess what i'm trying to say is, like a poster mentionned, sexual consent is not determined by someone's cup size, but neither is it determined by their age. That is just North American mentality. It's not a law of nature or of God for that matter: It is what the law states to try to come as close as to what the "normal" age would be for sex. The law is the law and I respect and stand by it, but from a different point of view, 18 years old is not the time where you inner self and gets automatically ready for sex. 18 years old is guideline, a figure, a limit. It's not nature and it's not for each individual.

Oh hell!!!!!! I know! I know! Why am i even trying to make sense out of this. Why am i even trying to understand.

That's how i was always to deal with difficult situation or difficult people. I have to understand. Understanding is what allows me to move forward and grow as a person. If I can't understand, then i'm just condeming myself to ignorance and can't progress as an individual.

There's always a reason why behind everything that happens. Even when we don't a clue what it could, evenn if God can't answer us, the reason is still there: it's just that human think of themselves as know it alls, so when we don't know, we just judge and condemn and point fingers. We don't know everything, we only know just a little, just the surface. Humans definitely don't understand anything about each other and their own nature.

I hope i can find peace again and understand why he turned around and did what he did. How can there be closure to this when i can't even figure out what went wrong and what happened.

SophiaM 05-08-2006 09:38 AM

Re: Am I stupid for wanting to stay with him after what he did???
 
But where do you draw the line? Kids tend to mature much faster physically nowadays. There are many 9 and 10 year-old-girls who already began menstruating and from a biological standpoint, could be considered a "woman." But does that mean that they're ready to have sex? Mentally and emotionally, they're still children. Their bodies might be ready for sex but not their minds and emotions. To me, you're not ready for sex until you can bear the consequences of having sex, such as a possible pregnancy, since no contraception is 100% foolproof. A 10-year-old or even a 15-year-old are still dependent on their parents for survival, and are not adults. They can't even get a job at that age. Yes, there are some traditional cultures where it's normal to marry a 14-year-old girl, but this is not what our culture and our law permits. Heck, there are countries where people are publicly stoned or hung for theft. We live in this culture and these are the norms and rules of this society. Nobody in court is going to listen to the argument that even younger girls being allowed to marry and have sex with an adult in other cultures.

Were you molested? I don't know. Were you having sex with adult men at 13 and 14? If so, yes, I think these men were doing something wrong and breaking the law at the same time. But this theoretical discussion is really besides the point. You won't be able to "understand" what happened and make logical sense of it, and even if you did, would it really help anything? What happened is that your boyfriend betrayed you and had sex with a teenager. Why? It doesn't matter. There's just no good enough reason that could make you feel better in this situation. I mean, if he told you this 16-year-old was coming on strong to him and tried to seduce him, so he finally gave in because he was just so horny and she was so well-developed, how would that sound to you?

VoodooQueen 05-08-2006 10:31 AM

Re: Am I stupid for wanting to stay with him after what he did???
 
I would actuallly understand, because it is the true nature of men.

I lied to myself long enough about that. I have NEVER heard of a man, as bad or good as he could be, that did not cheat. There is no exception, if you think there is, it's just that you don't know what every man is up to.

My boyfriend is not the only scumbad. There is a scumbag that lies within every man alive. Even the most honest, loyal and admirable men cannot give into temptation. His temptations were WRONG!! So wrong! No doubt about that.

But if and when i finally heal from this and survive and am able to move on and get into a relationship with another person, guess what. That next man is going to cheat on me to. Not because of me, not because of him, not because of circumstances or stress or whatever, just because that's what a man will do at least once during the relationship.

There is no escaping this. Why would I focus on trying to find something that does not exist.

Why do women keep getting hurt by something they know is going happen and is inevitable?

Why would even consider getting through this, just so that another man can do the same thing again.

What's the point? Men cheat, people cheat and it's always always been that way. Nothing will ever change about that.

Faithfullness is an utopia. It's wishful thinking. Like peace, the end of war and famine, equality and rights. Human beings are not genuinly capable of these things. We are not that kind of animal. It's not the nature of our species.

It simply isn't.

I cannot hate this girl, i hate her actions and what she got turned into. It's sad and sickening. There was no way out for her, even with all the help we were trying to get, her life was ultimately in the hands of someone who simply never cared for her one bit and nothing could have overriden that damage. It was already too late when i had just met her and she was still a little girl. 4 years ago, i was young too, i didn't know....i thought i could help her.

My boyfriend is guilty and he did what he did. He engaged in the action and never stopped. But I was there, from the beginning, when, right in my face, she would do everything to seduce him, without caring that I was even there. I know my boyfriend told her no at some occasions. That doesn't mean i forgive him. But as much as he is guilty of doing what he did, she is definitely guilty of repeatedly doing everything to facilitate the act. She knew what she was doing. She did it out of pain, and confusion and total lack of self respect and respect for others, but this girl knows right from wrong, she knew she was doing this behing my back while I was on her side trying to help her in all the aspects of her life. My entire family took her as part of ours. She did not just betray me and did this foolishly without realizing what she was doing. She is sneaky and manipulative and that's just because that's how she learned to survive and that's all she knows.

They are both equally wrong in this and I just can't see her as victim in all this. It's definitely unfortunate and damaging for her, but i just can't think of her as a victim in all this.

I was not molested or taken advantage of and none of this sex before i was 18, damaged me in any way. And perhaps, I was an adult before my time, because i would have beared the responsibilities of a child and I was already independant and supporting myself. If that's molestation, A LOT (millions and millions) of men need to be going to jail right now, don't you think.

There is no line that can be drawned to determine when it's right to have sex or not. It's totally an individual, almost a spiritual thing (which is why women want fidelity so badly). In her case, it was self destructive and damaging. In my case, it was wonderful experiences that I'll never forget and learned a lot from and helped become who I am (and i'm not a monster or a sexual deviant). We were the same age. The circumstances are different. We are two different souls, nobody can categorize that and say because I was 14, I got molested and because she is 16 she got molested.

That doesn't make sense to me.

VoodooQueen 05-08-2006 10:47 AM

Re: Am I stupid for wanting to stay with him after what he did???
 
[QUOTE=SophiaM] I mean, if he told you this 16-year-old was coming on strong to him and tried to seduce him, so he finally gave in because he was just so horny and she was so well-developed, how would that sound to you?[/QUOTE]

It would sound awful. But i'm not expecting to feel good by knowing the truth, but if that's the truth then that's what has to be dealt with.

I realize that it's absurb to think that a grown man can be attracted to a young teenager who [U]looks[/U] (and don't forget, men are not that hard to fool) like she is of consent and looks like a grown woman and thinks herself that she is not a child, I would actually believe that someone would be stupid enough to fall for that. Why? It happens everyday. As we speak, there's 15 years old out there being intimate with a 30 year old and to both of them, there's nothing wrong with it and that's what making them happy right now.
Heck, as we speak, there's probably a mother out there who thinks it's ok for her 15 yrs to be with a grown man and is not going to do anything about it. That mother should be sent to jail too.

Welcome to the world people!!!!

thesedays 05-08-2006 10:56 AM

Re: Am I stupid for wanting to stay with him after what he did???
 
I mean no disrespect Voodoo, but from what I hear you saying, you basically do not think you deserve better.

No matter what the "tempations", it's disgusting that he slept with the 16 year old, not only was she ONLY 16, but she you said she has mental issues as well and that your boyfriend knew about her mental state. This makes it even worse.

You have written repeatedly that all men are the same, will all cheat on you, all lie to you, etc ............Basically, they are NOT all like that, but you might keep getting them since you either don't think you deserve better or seemingly, don't bother to expect your men to behave properly.

StenoLady1 05-08-2006 11:06 AM

Re: Am I stupid for wanting to stay with him after what he did???
 
You're angry now. Good.

I'll tell you, it took four years of weekly visits with a shrink before I realized I didn't ask for what happened to me as a teenager. I thought the victim was the son-of-a-***** rotting in prison due to me exposing our little "secret."

And, also, FWIW, I do not subscribe to the theory that's taking over our countries that "everybody's a victim, so no one's accountable." What you have described with your situation is very different than, say, a 16-year-old girl who grew up next to a boy she was always close with who's three years older than her. There's also parental consent to think about at those borderline ages (generally 14-17 depending on the state).

Think about it. Teenagers aren't smart enough to manipulate. You said it yourself in another post...they're crazy young, need guidance, think they rule the world.

I know you're hurt. He didn't just have a fling with some chick he met at a bar after a fight with you. He did this with someone close to your household, a troubled teen. I can't imagine what you must be feeling. I can tell by your posts that you go from sympathsizing to utter confusion to attempting to rationalize and justify his behavior to sadness and now anger. All, I'm sure, are very natural responses for someone in your shoes.

So far you've mentioned death in your family, financial crisis, depression, illness, mismanagement of prescription meds, miscarriage and now this. You've also mentioned your own youthful sexual encounters with older men and your view on how all men are cheaters, how the young girl (even yourself) involved with older men is the one to blame and is just being manipulative, as well as all men having an obsession with teenagers. You should really consider a good psychiatrist. Not a family doc prescribing antidepressants left and right...a really good shrink who can help you sort through both past and present issues with good medication management only if it's warranted. Never once in four years did my shrink suggest meds.

I really think you need to talk to a professional about all of this, someone who truly has the ability to help you heal from everything you've described.

Music4All 05-10-2006 01:53 AM

Re: Am I stupid for wanting to stay with him after what he did???
 
[QUOTE=VoodooQueen]
There's always a reason why behind everything that happens.[/QUOTE]
This will get you in trouble. You have to accept that some people are capable of doing some things for which you will never be able to make sense of or understand. Some people can do the irrational. You will dig your own grave if you stand by the principle that you can make sense of everything if you just try hard enough. That mindset will keep you imprisoned.


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