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Old 05-06-2006, 05:38 PM   #1
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Am I stupid for wanting to stay with him after what he did???

I'm 24 yrs old. Been with my boyfriend for almost 5 yrs now. We've been going through a lot of financial struggle, and tension and arguments lately. He went through a very very rough moment of unemployment, confusion, depression, suicide attempts. He got his act together last year, has been working full time and finished school, has been more than good to me and up until this morning, i thought i was living a dream.

at 9am, i got a phone from the mother a 16 yr old young lady i used to sort of "mentor" when i was living in another apartment building until last year. This girl was from a broken family, very troubled, behaviour problems and such. I know she also has had problems with her sexual behaviours froma very young age. Anyhow, mother calls ME and leaves me a message on the voicemail saying "Yeah, your boyfriend's been sleeping around with my daugther, I called the cops, but they said they can't do anything, but i want to make sure you know and see what you're going to do about it".

I didn't pick up the message at first, my boyfriend did. He woke me up and he told me that on two occasion, he had slept with the girl.

I know my first reaction should have been much worst, but i was just shocked, and then not so surprised, because, the girl had been chasing my boyfriend around for a while wanting to do things with him and we all warned him about it. She's also overgrown for her age and I can understand how a lot of men out there can easily forget about her age. Her and her family was one of the reasons why we moved out, because they were the big mouthed type, who liked to gossip around the building, get in your business and ruin your name. I got away from them for that reason.

Well i learn this today. He told me it happened right after an argument we had (the 1st time) and after me kicking him out of the hourse for not getting a job (the second time).

I know he is the adult of the situation and he should have known what he got himself into and what kinda drama all this was going to cause. He feels awful about it. I hate him for what he did and and i'll never forget it but I don't want to leave him. A part of me is like almost dying right now because of what he did, but then i just remember when I was 15 and slept with a married man (only i didn't know he was actually married) and how i wasn't so innocent and knew what i was doing.

Somehow i feel this is what came back around for me for sleeping with this man and probably really hurt a good relationship like the one me and my boyfriend had.

I just can't help but understand the circumstances under which he acted out. I want him to be accountable for what he did and pay for his actions, but i don't want to leave him. I actually can still see a future for us if he seeks therapy like he said he did and we work through this together.

I feel so wrong about all of this. I don't know what to feel, who to be mad at, what to do or what to say.....

any thoughts would be so helpful..

sorry for the long text, but thanks for reading!
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Old 05-06-2006, 05:53 PM   #2
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Re: Am I stupid for wanting to stay with him after what he did???

Cheating is always a tough situation, but as Dr. Phil says, it's a dealbreaker. In my experience, the saying holds true, "once a cheater, always a cheater", but then there are always going to be those some men it doesn't pertain to. I don't know your BF, so who am I to say anything, but why do I not trust that he will seek help? Do you think that seeking help will get him to not cheat again? He betrayed you, and you may love him, but he needs to work hard to try to keep you in his life. See, men tend to take advantage of how loving women are and usually willing women are to forgive them. If he assumes that you'll always take him back, the less of a threat cheating on you is to him. I remember my ex-boyfriend told me on more than one occasion "Whatever, you know you'll always get back with me." and let me tell you, I changed my attitude real quick.

You have every right to be mad at him. Who goes out and cheats over an ARGUMENT?! That's not adult at all, and if that's all it takes is an argument and you rightfully getting mad because he wasn't being responsible, really, what does that say about him?

I know you don't want to leave him.
I would really hope he feels bad about what he did, but you have to make him prove it.

If he thought the relationship was really worth it, you better bet your @$$ that he'll do whatever it takes to keep it.

That's all I really have to say. I know it's tough though. Been here before Good luck, hun!

 
Old 05-06-2006, 07:04 PM   #3
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Re: Am I stupid for wanting to stay with him after what he did???

Speaking as a man who's been cheated on and as someone who knows men who have cheated on their partners, I will just say that cheating is absolutely unforgiveable. There is no excuse for it. I would never give someone who cheated a second chance and men who are given such a second chance will only cheat again. Frankly, men get away with too much because too many women let them.

 
Old 05-07-2006, 03:16 AM   #4
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Re: Am I stupid for wanting to stay with him after what he did???

How old is he, exactly? Is it even legal for him to be having sex with this 16 year old? There is no excuse for cheating. I know you feel that you want to be with him still, despite it all, but hey...our hearts don't necessarily follow our heads.

But its your head that will ultimately save your heart from being broken time and time again. Distance yourself from him, and the sooner the better. Good luck!

 
Old 05-07-2006, 03:53 AM   #5
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Re: Am I stupid for wanting to stay with him after what he did???

First of all, you can't blame yourself for your past. You were basically a child when an older man took advantage of you and this incident with your current boyfriend is by no means punishment for what you did when you were 15.

If I were in your shoes, I would leave. You can't wait around and hope to change your boyfriend. So many women feel they can change their man for the better but hardly does that happen. My sister-in-law tried doing it with my own brother. Although he has come a long way, he still isn't 100% the man she wants him to be. And he never will be!


It is going to be very hard to trust your boyfriend after this incident. Every time he leaves the house or comes home late you are going to wonder if he was out sleeping around. I don't see how you can have a relationship built on trust.

Listen to OutToLunch!

 
Old 05-07-2006, 07:55 AM   #6
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Re: Am I stupid for wanting to stay with him after what he did???

I assume if you're 24, your BF is a grown man. He has absolutely no business having sex with a 16 year old.

Watch Dateline on Wednesdays this month. It's all about grown men trying to have sex with adolescents.

You mentioned the word "stupid" in your title. Stupid is not a word I would use. Disgusting, repulsive, perverted, deviant and criminal are more precise words to describe a situation where a grown man has sex with a 16 year old girl.

Get out immediately and don't look back. Get with a guy who doesn't do this to young girls.

 
Old 05-07-2006, 08:28 AM   #7
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Re: Am I stupid for wanting to stay with him after what he did???

Well, you say you don't want to leave him, so that pretty much ends things right there. If he knows he can go out and have sex with some teeny bopper whenever the two of you have a fight and you will take him back, and there's no price to pay, then I don't really see why he would stop himself the next time an opportunity arises.

If it were me, I'd be mad at my boyfriend mostly. I wouldn't be too happy with the girl, but she's not the one in a commited relationship with you, your boyfriend is.

To answer your question, no, I don't think you're stupid for taking him back, but I do think you're letting him walk on you a bit, and I think you're not giving him any reason to be faithful in the future.

 
Old 05-07-2006, 08:30 AM   #8
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Re: Am I stupid for wanting to stay with him after what he did???

I'm so sorry to hear about this. You are not stupid to want to stay with him. You've been together for 5 years, so letting go isn't going to be easy. But it really is something you're going to have to do. You can't trust him anymore, and that is no way to live. End this relationship and get on with your life. You deserve to be with someone who won't cheat on you.

 
Old 05-07-2006, 10:34 AM   #9
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Re: Am I stupid for wanting to stay with him after what he did???

Not only did he cheat on you; he also cheated on you with a 16-year-old kid who he knew had a lot of problems and who YOU were trying to mentor and help get her life on track. That is simply unforgivable. No matter how you look at it, and how much you're trying to excuse it, there is just no excuse. None whatsoever. He broke your heart AND took advantage of this troubled teenager--how despicable of him. There is no way you can stay with him and ever be happy; I simply can't see that happening. He is a very, very low, demoralized person and he'll never be good enough for you. You can try to override your better judgement because of your fear of dumping him and letting go of this 5-year relationship, but down the line, you might be in for only more troubles. How would you like to get a call one day from the police that your husband and father of your children has been arrested for statutory rape with a minor? Better to get out now while you're still young and there are many great, single guys to choose from. I'm serious.

 
Old 05-07-2006, 10:38 AM   #10
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Re: Am I stupid for wanting to stay with him after what he did???

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
Not only did he cheat on you; he also cheated on you with a 16-year-old kid who he knew had a lot of problems and who YOU were trying to mentor and help get her life on track. That is simply unforgivable. No matter how you look at it, and how much you're trying to excuse it, there is just no excuse. None whatsoever. He broke your heart AND took advantage of this troubled teenager--how despicable of him. There is no way you can stay with him and ever be happy; I simply can't see that happening. He is a very, very low, demoralized person and he'll never be good enough for you. You can try to override your better judgement because of your fear of dumping him and letting go of this 5-year relationship, but down the line, you might be in for only more troubles. How would you like to get a call one day from the police that your husband and father of your children has been arrested for statutory rape with a minor? Better to get out now while you're still young and there are many great, single guys to choose from. I'm serious.
took the words right out of my mouth...

 
Old 05-07-2006, 11:38 AM   #11
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Re: Am I stupid for wanting to stay with him after what he did???

I agree with charlatans & sophia.

 
Old 05-07-2006, 12:16 PM   #12
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Re: Am I stupid for wanting to stay with him after what he did???

Not only might the police try to arrest him, he would also lower your reputation as a mentor. Families of other teenagres you might be helping out could easily get too blind to understand that he's doing it behind your back. I am sorry you are hurting, it must be awful. One of the reasons why he's admitted that to you is fear of "cops", not out of respect for you. It's waful that you hear from others too.
You will be hurt with him or without him, but without him you can find a decent man who's trustworthy and honest. DUMP him please. I would never say that to anyone because it is not easy. But things are really serious in your case. You don't need a man who drags you downin such a sickening absolutely irresponsible manner. You are risking far more than your happiness (although your devastation IS important). You are risking the prospect of a decent life for you and your children. If he gets away with it he might do it again.

Last edited by Nina000; 05-07-2006 at 12:16 PM.

 
Old 05-07-2006, 12:18 PM   #13
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Re: Am I stupid for wanting to stay with him after what he did???

[QUOTE=Nina000]You will be hurt with him or without him, but without him you can find a decent man who's trustworthy and honest. DUMP him please. I would never say that to anyone because it is not easy. But things are really serious in your case. You don't need a man who drags you downin such a sickening absolutely irresponsible manner. [QUOTE]

it wont be easy hun...this must be so terrible...i cant begin to understand what youre going through, but me, like nina, would agree to SEPERATE from this man because his behavious is sickening and so dangerous...what a jerk...please do better for yourself...dont bring yourself down...you can find better MEN out there...i promise...it wont be easy ill be honest but itll be worth it in the end...youll thank yourself...dont realise before its too late...dont make a mistake...

 
Old 05-07-2006, 03:06 PM   #14
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Re: Am I stupid for wanting to stay with him after what he did???

If he didn't tell you about her...then what else is he not telling you about? Are you so sure that there aren't others? It sounds like he only came clean because the mom called. If she hadn't, do you think he would of told you? You are only 24 and I am sure that you are very beautiful and very smart. You still have a full life ahead of you. Don't stay because you are afraid of being alone. I know how comfortable you feel with him... you have been with him since you were 19. No one ever said it was easy leaving someone especially after 5 years. Be strong and have respect yourself.

 
Old 05-07-2006, 08:49 PM   #15
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Re: Am I stupid for wanting to stay with him after what he did???

thank you so much all for your support and replies.

i'm just so torn. Too much emotions between today and yesterday!

First, i find out that it didn't happen only twice, it happened several times over a period of 10 months or so.

He lied to me over and over in my face. She had been in my bed, more than once. It happened as recently as a couple of months ago, just after she was here at a birthday surprise party i threw for his sorry ***.
In emails that were exchange between them, she told him that her mother had found out about the whole situation (and also about her sleeping with a 50 some yrs store owner in exchange for drugs and a whole lot of terrible bad things). HIS response was that they would have to be more careful.

He had no intentions of putting a stop to this!!!

I found out so much more but there's not enough webspace out there for me to be able to write everything and spill out my guts!!!

Guys, i feel so weak. I'm in the worst shape i have ever been in. I've been struggling for the past year with money and family crisis, illness and the loss of my grandmother. I've been over medicated for years for misdiagnosed mental issues and i'm still struggling with that because the meds have screwed me all up inside. I spent all my energy already. I miscarried just a few days ago and today was when the pain finally stopped. I've been screaming and cussing out people all day. I'm exahausted and empty.

IF I HAD ONE WISH, it would be that the phone call about the whole thing was made any other time but now. Two, three weeks from now. I know it seems like i just don't want to deal, and i think honestly, I DON"T. I don't want to deal because it's going to consume whatever is left of me, and I need me for other things.

This whole situation is so twisted!!! I've been fighting to get myself out of the hole for so long and just in a few seconds, I dropped down ten thousand feet deeper in the hole.

Just a few nights ago, I was praying that my nightmare would be over.

I got my answer: IT'S NOT! I prayed to God, I swear, to just give me just enough strenght to get me through what I was going through.

He sent me a phone call about my cheating boyfriend.

I give up, i'm never going to try to make sense out of life again. It just doesn't.

And about me finding a good man, I had one. He's no more. No matter how much i hate him and will hate him for the rest of my life for what he did, I can never forget that he had been by my side every minute of almost everyday to be there for me and love me like nobody ever did. Wether he truly did or not, he ended giving me so much as a person and I don't think i'll ever have a relationship like that again with anyone. Every men i'm going tto meet is going to cheat on me; that's not even a question or a doubt. Even i knew the time would come when he would cheat on me, because men do that. It's not a stereotype of a judgement, it's just nature.

So, rreally, to be hoping that i'll find the right man for me that will never cheat, is to set myself up for deceptions and more hurt. It's just like going out there and looking for the perfect man, or woman.

The question is, which of the better cheating men do you wanna be with? Cheating has never been an issue for me, i've always been ready for it.

But of course, the whole magnitude of the situation is a bit out of that context, of course, but still (and i hate myself for not even being able to have enough self respect to think otherwise), i feel like i lost something i'll never experience again. There's no way. I just feel so sorry for him, because i know he did care for me, but has absolutely no love for himself and acted out by doing the most despicable of things.

this is soooo bloody sad, it's unreal, i can't believe it!
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