Am I stupid for wanting to stay with him after what he did??? - Relationship Health Message Board

VoodooQueen · 05-06-2006, 06:38 PM

I'm 24 yrs old. Been with my boyfriend for almost 5 yrs now. We've been going through a lot of financial struggle, and tension and arguments lately. He went through a very very rough moment of unemployment, confusion, depression, suicide attempts. He got his act together last year, has been working full time and finished school, has been more than good to me and up until this morning, i thought i was living a dream.

at 9am, i got a phone from the mother a 16 yr old young lady i used to sort of "mentor" when i was living in another apartment building until last year. This girl was from a broken family, very troubled, behaviour problems and such. I know she also has had problems with her sexual behaviours froma very young age. Anyhow, mother calls ME and leaves me a message on the voicemail saying "Yeah, your boyfriend's been sleeping around with my daugther, I called the cops, but they said they can't do anything, but i want to make sure you know and see what you're going to do about it".

I didn't pick up the message at first, my boyfriend did. He woke me up and he told me that on two occasion, he had slept with the girl.

I know my first reaction should have been much worst, but i was just shocked, and then not so surprised, because, the girl had been chasing my boyfriend around for a while wanting to do things with him and we all warned him about it. She's also overgrown for her age and I can understand how a lot of men out there can easily forget about her age. Her and her family was one of the reasons why we moved out, because they were the big mouthed type, who liked to gossip around the building, get in your business and ruin your name. I got away from them for that reason.

Well i learn this today. He told me it happened right after an argument we had (the 1st time) and after me kicking him out of the hourse for not getting a job (the second time).

I know he is the adult of the situation and he should have known what he got himself into and what kinda drama all this was going to cause. He feels awful about it. I hate him for what he did and and i'll never forget it but I don't want to leave him. A part of me is like almost dying right now because of what he did, but then i just remember when I was 15 and slept with a married man (only i didn't know he was actually married) and how i wasn't so innocent and knew what i was doing.

Somehow i feel this is what came back around for me for sleeping with this man and probably really hurt a good relationship like the one me and my boyfriend had.

I just can't help but understand the circumstances under which he acted out. I want him to be accountable for what he did and pay for his actions, but i don't want to leave him. I actually can still see a future for us if he seeks therapy like he said he did and we work through this together.

I feel so wrong about all of this. I don't know what to feel, who to be mad at, what to do or what to say.....

any thoughts would be so helpful..

sorry for the long text, but thanks for reading!

Deena_05 · 05-06-2006, 06:53 PM

Cheating is always a tough situation, but as Dr. Phil says, it's a dealbreaker. In my experience, the saying holds true, "once a cheater, always a cheater", but then there are always going to be those some men it doesn't pertain to. I don't know your BF, so who am I to say anything, but why do I not trust that he will seek help? Do you think that seeking help will get him to not cheat again? He betrayed you, and you may love him, but he needs to work hard to try to keep you in his life. See, men tend to take advantage of how loving women are and usually willing women are to forgive them. If he assumes that you'll always take him back, the less of a threat cheating on you is to him. I remember my ex-boyfriend told me on more than one occasion "Whatever, you know you'll always get back with me." and let me tell you, I changed my attitude real quick.

You have every right to be mad at him. Who goes out and cheats over an ARGUMENT?! That's not adult at all, and if that's all it takes is an argument and you rightfully getting mad because he wasn't being responsible, really, what does that say about him?

I know you don't want to leave him.
I would really hope he feels bad about what he did, but you have to make him prove it.

If he thought the relationship was really worth it, you better bet your @$$ that he'll do whatever it takes to keep it.

That's all I really have to say. I know it's tough though. Been here before

Good luck, hun!

OutToLunch · 05-06-2006, 08:04 PM

Speaking as a man who's been cheated on and as someone who knows men who have cheated on their partners, I will just say that cheating is absolutely unforgiveable. There is no excuse for it. I would never give someone who cheated a second chance and men who are given such a second chance will only cheat again. Frankly, men get away with too much because too many women let them.

~Tyger~ · 05-07-2006, 04:16 AM

How old is he, exactly? Is it even legal for him to be having sex with this 16 year old? There is no excuse for cheating. I know you feel that you want to be with him still, despite it all, but hey...our hearts don't necessarily follow our heads.

But its your head that will ultimately save your heart from being broken time and time again. Distance yourself from him, and the sooner the better. Good luck!

KeltoKel · 05-07-2006, 04:53 AM

First of all, you can't blame yourself for your past. You were basically a child when an older man took advantage of you and this incident with your current boyfriend is by no means punishment for what you did when you were 15.

If I were in your shoes, I would leave. You can't wait around and hope to change your boyfriend. So many women feel they can change their man for the better but hardly does that happen. My sister-in-law tried doing it with my own brother. Although he has come a long way, he still isn't 100% the man she wants him to be. And he never will be!

It is going to be very hard to trust your boyfriend after this incident. Every time he leaves the house or comes home late you are going to wonder if he was out sleeping around. I don't see how you can have a relationship built on trust.

Listen to OutToLunch!