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Old 05-10-2006, 05:43 PM   #1
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tabby2001 HB User
Marriage issue on wanting more children

I'll try and make this short.

My husband and I have been married for 6 1/2 years. We have a 5 1/2 year old daughter and a 4 year old daughter. They are such wonderful kids. We both love them very much.

We have a beautiful home and I work part time and we are financially in okay position. We both knew we wanted children together but never discussed how many. Right after my 2nd daughter was born she was very colicky, I became depressed and my husband vowed this was it! NO more! I was deeply saddened by this remark but never knew if I felt the same way and just said nothing.

Times got tough. I withdrew from him and our sex life shut down. We had sex probably once or twice a month if that. I got depressed and to make a long story short... he ended up cheating on me and had a relationship on the side for a couple of years. It was a relationship of flirting and sex once with her. This was the straw that broke the camels back.

We had a tough time but ended up going to marital counseling and slowly brought our relationship back from the dead. He told me of his pain of lack of sex, affection, a friend, etc. I had to go through the whole hurt of being cheated on and it was so hard.

Things are better now. Although sex isn't all the time, it's still once or twice a couple of weeks. I think he's still upset about that. To me, the courting stage is over and I really don't need it like he does. I've sought doctors, etc. and I seem to be okay.

Now.. here we are a couple years later. And... I want another baby. I feel it inside. I want 3 children. And my husband.... does not. He's afraid what happened in the past will come back again and he doesn't want to deal with it. He basically told me he can't handle another child. He says we can't handle it financially, all the issues someone usually says. We're never financially set in his eyes and I keep saying if I never pushed to have kids..it would have never happened.

I feel so much the desire to have another baby. I feel like I want to complete my family and have that one more baby. My time is running out. I've asked of this for over a year now and we've fought about it constantly. I just feel like he's made the final decision on it... no. I want to more than anything and I try to give him faith that this time around will be different. We were in the middle of moving and remodeling right when our second baby was born. Things were tough. And, I can fight him on this till we are black and blue... our house is big enough, we make enough money.... blah blah.

Bottom line is he tells me not to be angry of the way he feels. He has every right to not want anymore. And, I know he is right... I can't force him into another one and don't want to pressure him. I've let the subject go, brought it up again months later. I'm almost 35 and my youngest just turned 4. If I don't do it now... I don't want to have my kids sooo far apart.

I think with my heart. And I'm yearning. Do I just throw in the towel and end it. I feel such resentment. I feel so angry that he gets what he wants.

Just looking for thoughts.

 
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Old 05-10-2006, 06:23 PM   #2
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meftie HB User
Re: Marriage issue on wanting more children

i rekon you shud listen to him and be happy with what you got and try to fullfill their wish, give them good education and future.I know sometime we can't get what we wish for but you have to think about your husband and his wishes too.don't you think he has right make decision with you as a partner???You guys are happy now and why you wanna throw all that away having another baby which you already got 2 the biggest thing in life is happiness which u said you're so think about it.

 
Old 05-10-2006, 08:13 PM   #3
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BetsyJean HB User
Re: Marriage issue on wanting more children

First off, I don't have any babies - I wish I could. Not having a 3rd is hard for me to empathize with to be honest.
Also, my niece pressured her husband into having a 2nd child that he really didn't want... (he was a zero population guy but agreed to the first one) they had TWINS and are struggling financially & emotionally in their marriage.

Could you find other ways to satisfy your need to nurture?
Help out at grade school, teach Sunday school, volunteer in the OB/children's section of the hospital, etc.??

 
Old 05-11-2006, 04:09 AM   #4
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Willapp HB User
Re: Marriage issue on wanting more children

Yeah, it sounds to me like you're being a little selfish here. Many couples fight about having/not having children, but you've already got two but are pressuring your husband for a 3rd?!

I can understand maybe you have a physical craving for another child, but sometimes you have to accept that a marriage is about compromise and not always getting your own way. He has every right to not want anymore kids, and you should try and respect this.

As another poster has said, why not try volunteering at something that involves young children - this might appease those feelings you're having (maybe not totally, but enough to deal with). I'm sure your husband would be willing to take this option.

If you really can't get over wanting another child, then the only option is to divorce, but what would that do to your existing kids? Better to have two happy children, than 3 in a broken home, just to satisfy your need. I wouldn't try tricking your husband into getting you pregnant either - that is a recipe for disaster! (Just in case it crossed your mind) I would want to separate from my partner straight away if I found out that I'd been tricked like that.

 
Old 05-11-2006, 05:50 AM   #5
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tabby2001 HB User
Re: Marriage issue on wanting more children

Wow... I'm being selfish? Why is it that because I have 2 children already it's so hard to understand and justify the strong desire to have another one? Because I have 2 already...the justification isn't leveled so high?

So, if I had none or just one.. whould the advice be different? However many children I already have here has absolutely nothing with the way I'm feeling inside. And the advice I get is to go find a hobby to ease the pain and make it go away.

Tell that to a woman who's dream is to have a large family. Then, she can't find a spouse.. let's tell her to go buy a puppy instead. Or what about the couple that already have one child and the woman has fertility problems.. go tell her to focus on her first child and her home and husband and forget about it.

I don't think I'm being selfish at all. My husband has made pretty big decisions without my same feelings and in the end I realized how much he wanted things and helped him through.

I don't think he has confidence in me and I think he gives me false hope. The excuses change every couple of months. First it was the house wasnt big enough. Now we have a big house. The next excuse is who is going to take care of it when I am working. I asked my mother and she said she would. Instead of listening to this and hearing me, he immediately thinks up another reason why not. The last reason was for me to go get a plan from beginning to end on how we can do it. I brought him that plan and the latest excuse is he's afraid I'll get depressed again.

I think it's unfair for me too. I know obviously it takes 2 to agree to have a baby and in the end, we get what he wants. Do you know how hard it is to hold resentment back?? I'm afraid how long it will be.

 
Old 05-11-2006, 07:30 AM   #6
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Willapp HB User
Re: Marriage issue on wanting more children

Well, if you're going to resent him for it, I think it raises serious questions about whether you should be together anymore. I realise with having a child there isn't really a 'compromise' - you either have it, or you don't.

It's a difficult situation though, and the bottom line is really, would you rather keep things as they are (no more children) and make the best of what you've got, or consider separating from your husband to satisfy your desire to have another child?

I'm not taking his side, but I can imagine that if he doesn't want another child, it isn't something that he could be "talked into". The fact that he's making excuses is bad, but it's only disguising the fact that he doesn't want more children.

And by the way, yes I do think the advice given could be different if you didn't already have children - if only because it would be much easier to say "walk away", since the only person you'd affect is him. There are already 2 children involved which does make the situation different. Plus you can't argue that he's refusing to *have* children with you - he's already done that - he just doesn't want any more, which seems fair enough to me.

Just my opinion though.

 
Old 05-11-2006, 08:01 AM   #7
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galinaqt HB User
Re: Marriage issue on wanting more children

I wish I have 2 kids, it is hard for me to sympathise. I had hard time conviencing dh to have one, he also gives all kind of excuses why we should not have second. I'd be happy with 2 for sure and I will be 41 this month. I am not sure myself that we can handle it. My mother in low doesn't think we should and he is under big influence of her. Although she is helping us a lot with this one (touch wood). My parents would like us to have 2, but my mother is very sick she can't help. Father is helping but I don't think he can deal with 2.
I know women that just put there husband in front of a fact (birthcontrol doesn't work). A lot of people suggest me to do it, but I have fears. I remember I had very strong feeling about having second, I was almost unable to resist it, but that it sort of gone. May be it is something natural which every woman goes through.
My husband's shrink suggested him instead of a baby participate in "Big brother" program which made me mad, it is not the same.

 
Old 05-11-2006, 08:12 AM   #8
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jenna_250 HB User
Re: Marriage issue on wanting more children

I think that when one partner dosen't want a child, whether it be a first child or a third child, the other partner needs to listen or find another partner. Children are alot of work, and maybe your husband feels like he can't handle any more, maybe he is happy the way things are with you right now and wants to keep building on that after all the hard times, maybe he only ever wanted 2 kids ( you said you never discussed this before), maybe financially he feels 2 is enough. Whatever his reasons, you should listen to them. If it was reversed and he was pressuring you for more kids, how would you feel?

And no, if you had no kids ore only 1 kid, my answer woudln't be different. Some people don't want kids, and if that is how someone feels that should be respected. But, if you want kids and the person you are seeing doesn't, that is usually a deal breaker and I don't think either person shoudl be talked into it.

I don't think that woman should do whatever their husbands say, not by a long shot, but this is one of those things that I think the person who doesn't want the children should win, sorry but I know if my husband started pressuring for more chidlren I would start to feel really resentful. Maybe think about why you are so desperate for a another child. I find sometimes when we really really want something, we become obsessed with it, think it will make everything better, and forget to look at the big picture, what we already have, the problems with what we are wanting ( in this case more work, more financial stress, less sleep etc), and don't appreciate what we already have.

 
Old 05-11-2006, 09:40 AM   #9
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cookiepls HB User
Re: Marriage issue on wanting more children

I don't know why so many couples neglect to discuss important issues like this before they marry. It sounds like the lack of constructive communication continues and there's a lack of compromise as well. Now you're harboring resentment towards him. I'm sure he senses it too.

Quote:
Things are better now. Although sex isn't all the time, it's still once or twice a couple of weeks. I think he's still upset about that. To me, the courting stage is over and I really don't need it like he does. I've sought doctors, etc. and I seem to be okay.
This statement shows clearly why your husband is afraid to have another child. You think because you don't need sex like he does, that everything should be okay. He should be happy with sex once or twice every couple of weeks. It almost sounds like you want another baby in order to further push him away physically. After all, a baby takes up a lot of time that you might otherwise be giving to your husband. I just can't help but see a lonely man who wants his wife back as his lover and friend, and a wife who wants what she wants and to hell with him and his feelings.

Quote:
I want to more than anything and I try to give him faith that this time around will be different.
First you have to give him what he needs/wants as a husband. He wants YOU. He wants you to be the loving, affectionate woman he married. You're angry that he gets what he wants but I don't see that he's really getting what he wants from reading your post. I'm not seeing your side of the issue very well I guess.

 
Old 05-11-2006, 09:50 AM   #10
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opielonghorn HB User
Re: Marriage issue on wanting more children

hi tabby. it sounds like you might have to let this one go. i think the reason a lot of people consider the existence of your two children a mitigating factor is because your husband has not denied you the experience of motherhood. he simply does not want another child. i can understand feeling like he is 'getting his way', but what it boils down to is that as things stand now, only your feelings will have to be resolved. if you bring an unwanted child into the mix, you now have that child's feelings to consider also. children are not stupid, and they can sense resentment. chances are your husband would not be able to hide his real feelings, even with his best effort.

maybe you could explore the motivation behind your desire to have another child, as other posters have suggested. could be purely biological, or hormonal, but it could also be an attempt to fill a void. is it possible for you and your husband to attend a marriage counselor for this issue alone? maybe the counselor could act as a non-biased third party and help you both come to some sort of agreement.

 
Old 05-11-2006, 10:10 AM   #11
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tabby2001 HB User
Re: Marriage issue on wanting more children

Why is it so hard to understand the reasons WHY I want another child and to ask that I dig further on why? I don't need to think about this any further. I've ALWAYS wanted another child. I am a mother and I have my instincts and I want to have another child to raise and nurture. I'm a wonderful mother and my kids have everything they ever wanted. This has never been an issue of anything else other than it's what I want.

For the same reason I wanted my first... that's the reason I want a 3rd. Some women want a large family... 4 or 5 kids. Some women want a small family..just one, and some women don't want any.

It hurts to be denied what I truly want. I don't like to know that I am done having children and it's not because I want it that way. And, I guess the same stands for him.. he only wants the two... and that's what he wants. It was wrong for us not to discuss these details before we got married. Shame on us.

It's a tough situation. And in the end I know I have to realize this is the way it is. But that is so hard. And, sorry, I do resent it. He can ask for more sex and if I wanted breast implants to feel better about myself... by golly he has no issue with spending that $7k if it's what I truly want. It makes me feel he's selfish.

If he is unhappy with how often we have sex then he needs to step back, walk away or something. I feel it's adequate and if he wants to stay in the marriage, that shows me he's agreeing to the frequency. It's only when I bring up something I want does it ever become a marital issue. I believe that is unfair. It just seems like everything has to be perfect for the situation to go beyond what it is today.

Counseling we went for a long time and we brought this up. The counselor seemed to like the idea of us continuing the family.. but that was only an opinion. It's my husband's choice and that's final.

The whole thing hurts... and it hurts bad. And I'm sorry... I'm not really happy about it. I don't have to be. I have instinct feelings and nothing can change that.

 
Old 05-11-2006, 10:34 AM   #12
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galinaqt HB User
Re: Marriage issue on wanting more children

May be you should have another baby and blame it on "accident". I know women who done it, lot of women told me to do it when I said that my dh doesn't want another one. Lot of man just care about themselves and want what's easier for them and your husband is not an exception. I'd say he is much better than a lot who wouldn't want to have 2. Woman has to be flexible.
I wouldn't suggest counceling. We went to rabbi and he was all for having 2 baby and my dh still found tons of reasons not to, same or more rediculas than your husband's reasons. His shrink was always on his side, if it will be up to her we wouldn't have even one. She started giving him reasons: he won't be able to travel much, huge expenses and so on (she has kids herself) and he likes it. These people are not objective, they have only there interests in mind, I personally don't like them. At the end it is your decision.

 
Old 05-11-2006, 10:36 AM   #13
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Destea HB User
Re: Marriage issue on wanting more children

This is a very tough situation to really advise on, everyone is entitled to their feelings and yearnings, especially when it comes to family. For most of us that is the pinnacle of our existance - who, what, how many - these are so personal and you're right... it's unfortunate you didn't discuss this prior to marriage but you can't go back now.

It may be time to consider starting up therapy again, this may be the only way to avoid a growing resentment. Right now, to be honest, with the conflicts that arrose from the affair and the continued discussions he makes that all return to the amount of sexual intimacy within your marriage makes me hesitant to suggest adding a child at this time IS a good idea. If you two, as a couple and as parents, aren't quite at a great place in your marriage, both happy and fulfilled with eachother, that's not the healthiest place or time to bring another new member (baby) into the situation. I'm sure you're an aboslutely wonderful, caring mother - but there are obviously some problems within the marriage that haven't been as resolved as you'd both probably hoped and thought if this instance is bringing all of the anger and problems back up again.

I'd really suggest getting back to counseling... this is something you two MUST agree on, unfortunately because it involves a physical being you have to put your need off until you guys have figured out what you want to do simply because of the nature of the disagreement I'm sorry to say that, because I can see how much this means to you, but you can't very well get pregnant before it's decided and I think you know that.

I'm so sorry you're having this conflict!

 
Old 05-11-2006, 10:43 AM   #14
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jenna_250 HB User
Re: Marriage issue on wanting more children

May be you should have another baby and blame it on "accident". I know women who done it, lot of women told me to do it when I said that my dh doesn't want another one. Lot of man just care about themselves and want what's easier for them and your husband is not an exception.

Oh my god, do women still think this is ok? come on...that is the must deceiptful disgusting thing. Having a child is something that requires two people to be fully on board. If you do decide to do this without him wanting another baby, don't expect any help with taking care of the baby, and don't complain when you get no help, because you are basically choosing to have a another child with someone who is saying they don't want another. This has nothing to do with her husband only caring about himself, lots of women don't want tons of kids either, it's all a personal choice. I only want one child, should my husband try to force me to have more because I only care about myself too...give me a break.

Last edited by jenna_250; 05-11-2006 at 10:49 AM.

 
Old 05-11-2006, 10:51 AM   #15
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Destea HB User
Re: Marriage issue on wanting more children

I agree, that's a horrible, deceiptful thing to do to someone you're in a marriage with. To flip that instance around, how would you (or anyone) feel if while they were pushing for a baby and considering just "oops" getting pregnant, you found out your dear hubby has gotten a vasectomy without discussing it with you? That's exactly how he'd feel if he was tricked and manipulated into having a child he did not want.

That's a horrible way to go about things, I'd definitely not consider that a solution in the best interest of your marriage or your life

Last edited by Destea; 05-11-2006 at 10:52 AM.

 
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