OKAY you've all heard my strip club story couple weeks ago. I really liked the advice so I'm going to bring up another issue that I know has been raised on here before, but I wanna see what you think -- should I be suspicious of this? I feel like I need to check my sanity a bit since that whole lap dance fiasco has made me more jealous ....
So my BF and I (4 years) spend almost every day together. We live seperately but its basically like we have 2 houses. There are times when he wants to see me and I'm not really in the mood and vice versa. But usually its a given that we hang out every night.
I had plans Thursday night to spend with a girlfriend from out of town. I told my BF of my plans on Wednesday. However, she called to reschedule for Friday night during the afternoon on Thursday. So I tell my BF I'll come over to his house tonight (he'd been at mine the two previous nights). Plus, I did all his laundry at my house, so that way, I could bring by all his clothes (otherwise he'd have none).
He immediately seems mad and disappointed that I don't have plans anymore. I immediately get suspicious. I question him - did I ruin his plans or something? He says he has no plans, just that I'm too "clingy" because I need to see him every night.
This normally wouldn't bother me, but it is the fact that he thought I had plans and wouldn't be around, but then he was upset that I was going to be around.
I cheated on my ex (long time ago) and this is exactly how I would react if I thought he was going to be gone and then his plans changed - cause then I wouldn't be able to get away with what I was about to do.
Now, he insists he won't ever cheat, he's not that kind of guy, and I believe him. I know he loves me - I'm like a part of his family. We've talked about having kids together, etc...he's said no woman compares to me, etc... And I do believe this. But I know there are temptations.
So I find out that he's going to hang out with one of his buddies - a buddy who cheats on his girl, has tried to convince my BF to cheat on me, etc. A very immature guy, to say the least. His friend are often jealous of our good relationship (and probably cause my BF scored such a great girl!), and they also know my BF is the best looking and most outgoing one of the group, so they want him single so he can help them pick up girls of their own (yeah right-they're still all uglies!).
So my BF is ****** off that I wanted to see him last night. I'm too clingy he says, well, I'm sure its more like his friends say that.
OK, and this is bad, but I know he didn't cheat on me or do anything wrong last night, because I drove by his house several times. But hey - I have to know - this behavior is suspicious, right? Or am I crazy?
Of course its hard to tell because ya'll don't know all the details about our relationship, but I'd say it is a pretty normal, loving relationship, besides a few moody days every now and then.
well, given his past, i'd say you have good reason to feel this way! Guys and their immature "guy friends" will ruin relationships because his friends likely make fun of him for wanting to be with you. They have way more impact over him than you think! The question here really is.. do you want to be with a guy you have to always check up on? If you don't trust him, why bother? Whenever he is off with his flock, you'll always be wondering what's up! And believe me, when a bunch of guys go out, their radar is what's "up"! Talking to any woman that will give them the time of day! Like I said, he hasn't shown too much in the way of being trustworthy. Do you want to put up with that just to be with him?
Yes, that's exactly what has happened - his friends will make fun of him for being with me. Our relationship is definately the most serious and longest that he's ever had and longer and more serious than any of his friend's relationships.
However, it has gotten better. For example, recently, one of his friends commented "wouldn't it be great to go home with a fine girl every night?" to which my BF replied "I already get to do that.." Then the friend said (complete jerk because I'm WAY outta his league) "No, I said FINE girl.." To which my BF replied "yes that's what I meant." To which his friend shut up because he knows I'm good looking, he just somehow wants to convince my BF I'm not - I don't know what goes through his head?
I trust him about 75% - which I think is due to my own insecurities, because every time I've tried to catch him on something, I find out that he was being completely honest. (such as when I drove by his house last night)
And yes I know his friends' and his "radars are up" as you put it. I'm not naive to that, and thats what I tell my BF too, which makes him kinda mad because I'm so smert I know they'll talk to any woman who gives them the time of day. Not saying that is cheating though. I mean, I don't care if my BF talks to another girl in a bar, as long as its just talking. I do it too, can't help it sometimes ya know...
I don't know if I want to put up with it (him being hard to trust), but I feel like I'd be giving up a really good thing -- his friends are what really upsets me, not him. I'm sorta hoping they all grow out of it. I wish they were in a strong relationship with a girl too. But of course they're too immature to get anyone.
Just to sum up, the main thing that bothered me about this time was that I had plans but cancelled them, and my BF was upset that my plans were cancelled -- sort of like that cancelled his plans. And he wouldn't tell me exactly why he didn't want to hang out...
Oh and something else - I did see my BF last night. I knew he was going to our favorite bar after work - I hang out there too. So I went there, and thats where he met his slimy cheatin friend. I didn't sit by them but I knew they were talking about me, and his friend was just staring at me, like "why is she here?" what an a$$.
What'd be great is if I could make friends with his girlfriend to let her know (she is VERY naive) what he's been up to, and maybe she could let me in on a few things too....but you better believe they've been keeping us seperate since his friend bragged one day about being with another girl.
Last edited by minnesotagirl; 05-12-2006 at 09:33 AM.
yeah, it's a shame that a guy's buddies can have such an impact on their behavior especially when they are "pond scum" anyway! How on earth are you supposed to trust a man who is hanging out with cheaters? I mean, he must have something in common with them! (has to make you wonder).
Well, I don't know if he's up to something behind your back, but the "I need space/you're too clingy" speech is never good.
If it were me, the first thing I would do to show him how un-clingy I truly am, is to NEVER DO HIS LAUNDRY AGAIN!! I don't even know why you're doing his laundry, but after being nice enough to do it, and being nice enough to offer to swing by his place to make sure he had clean clothes, he gripes at you for being too clingy. I'd just be very very busy for the next two or three days and never offer to do his laundry again and tell him you're just too busy for the next few weeks. And I strongly recommend you read a couple of books that I found incredibly helpful and enlightening, "He's Just Not That Into You" and "Why Men Love Bi**hes." Very educational. In the second one, there's actually a story about a guy who's girlfriend was over at his house doing his laundry and he was getting annoyed at her being there too much and started a fight, telling her she was clingy and getting her upset, so she finished his laundry and left. And you know what he said? He said "man, I couldn't believe she actually finished my laundry! I was being such a jerk, and she just took it. I would have respected her so much more if she had just told me to f*** off and left then and there." Sometimes men deliberately push our buttons just to see how much crap we will take from them, to see how much backbone we have. It excites them when we fight back. If he thinks you're too clingy, them give him a few days' taste of what it's like to live without you.
i agree. Don't make yourself so available to him! Go somewhere and don't let him know where you are. Let him wonder for a while, then maybe he'll shape up and start treating you better.
Oh and something else - I did see my BF last night. I knew he was going to our favorite bar after work - I hang out there too. So I went there, and thats where he met his slimy cheatin friend. I didn't sit by them but I knew they were talking about me, and his friend was just staring at me, like "why is she here?" what an a$$.
If I read this correctly - it is one of the strangest things I ever heard. You've been with your boyfriend for four years. You went down to a bar, and your boyfriend was there too. But you didn't go over to him. You just sat across the room from him as if you weren't even there? That is...weird. Why didn't you sit with him?? If that was my boyfriend you better believe he'd be pulling me right up to his side with his arm around my shoulders, no matter which one of his friends may have been with him.
It is no wonder you are put off by these friends he has. Guys who want him to act like he is single and ready to mingle, guys who try to convince him to leave behind the ol' ball-and-chain - that is really dangerous. The fact that he lets them get away with making snarky remarks about you - where is the respect? Making cute little rejoinders is one thing, but really he should be threatening to punch their faces if they say anything else about you. You really DO have to wonder what it says about him if these are the kinds of people he likes to be around and considers friends.
It doesn't sound like he knows how to truly appreciate and respect a girlfriend. If you feel like you can't trust someone 100%...what is the point?
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you should just have a discussion with him. if he's always been honest with you, he should give an honest answer as to why he got so upset. how does a person get upset that ANOTHER person's plans get cancelled? that is strange.
i agree with GypsyArcher. i would not have cared about his friend being at the bar. i would have sat with my boyfriend. were there no seats available next to him or something? your boyfriend should tell his friends that it is their opinion to think any way they want about you, but that they should keep their comments to themselves.
Personally, I don't think that you are clingy, but I think that he MADE you insecure, and you are right to feel so, given his "passivity" with regards to his friend's' rudeness and his cheap birthday gift. However, I don't think that what you are doing is the right thing to tackle your insecurity and to have control over your love life and your own life. And I don't think that you, on your own, are going to make things work out. HE needs to tell his friend to take a long walk on a short pier. He needs to grow up and you need to SAY it to him flat out. You might be afraid to lose him, right? I think that he is feeding on your fear. Sweetie, trust me men are awful, they don't appreciate the giving type of women, they love women who keeps them on their guards day and night. You need to back off for a while others suggested, and think how much you want to invest with a guy who is a too insensitive to your feelings.
If you know his friend is cheating on his girlfriend, whether you're friends with her or not, PLEASE tell her. She deserves to know and there is nothing worse than everyone knowing about it but you. Ugh. I feel terrible for her. Please, tell her. Wouldn't you want someone to do the same for you if they knew your boyfriend was cheating?
As far as being too clingy, I guess that depends on who you are with. For me, or my husband, yes, you would be too clingy. But that is just us. What I don't get is when your plans changed, and he had already made plans, why not just say ok cool have a good night out see you later? Why make such a big deal about it? Why did you assume he would then cancel his plans to be with you just because your plans got cancelled? And why be mad about it in the first place?
I have to say that it's very odd you would go to find him at the bar when he was out with his friends, yet don't sit with them...first of all, this sounds like checking up on him... Your boyfriend has a right to go out with friends without you checking up on him and showing up. How would you like it if when you were out with friend he just showed up, as if you check up on you? My husband would be furious if he was out with the guys and looked over and saw me there watching him. Not because he would be doing anything wrong, but because that shows a huge lack of trust, and a lack of respect for his time away from me and just with his friends alone. ANd I would be furious if he did this to me, I was out with the girls on Friday night and I can't imagine looking over and seeing my husband checking up on me, it would make me feel like a child who is being supervised.
I guess what it comes down to is either you trust him or you don't. If you think he is cheating odds are he is, but that to me has nothing to do with being clingy or not. If he is a cheater, he would be cheating wheather you are clingy or give him tons of space. But that being said, you can't be checking up on this guy all the time, I mean driving by his house, showing up at the bar and just sitting there watching him and his friend? Not a good way to be in a relationship if you ask me. Either there is trust or there isn't. You need to be able to trust someone even if they aren't always with you. I'm going to Las Vegas soon with some friends, and my husband trusts me and isn't even questioning the trip. There has to be trust if you are with someone.
There is one other issue here that is a little strange, and that is the way his friend is towards you. Just to play devils advocate, I can see why the friend would be annoyed with you if you are showing up when they are out and checking up on them. You are acting like your boyfriends mother not like a partner who trusts him... The friend should be respectful towards you though, but there doesn't really seem to be a reason that you need to be around this guy if you don't like him. I mean if your boyfriend is chosing to stay friends with this guy, that is his decision, you can't tell him who he can and can't be friends with, but that doesn't mean you also need to hang out with the guy. It sounds like this might not be the guy for you to be honest...
ps - why in the heck are you doing his laundry, he is an adult who can do his own laundry...!!!!!
Hi all, thanks for your comments about my clingyness.
I had some varying opinions, so its very helpful to look at both sides.
The last post said I was too clingy. I guess that going to the bar that night was too clingy. I should trust my BF at this particular bar, as everyone there knows us and knows we're a couple, so it'd be silly of him to hit on anyone else because I'd probably find out about it.
As far as why I didn't sit with him, well, that isn't actually that weird. I'm a "regular" at the bar too, and so we don't always have to sit together - I know other people there. I did talk to him while I was there (there was a call for him on my cell phone)...so its not like I just completely disregarded him.
He was really upset by the way I acted that night -- so I think next time, I'll act differently. I should trust him more -- I just don't know why I can't. I don't know if I can't trust him because he doesn't communicate (for example, that night he could've told me he wanted to hang with his buddy instead of just saying he didn't want to see me or that he was busy but not tell me why). Or maybe I can't trust him because I'm insecure. Maybe a little of both.
I think a huge issue here is my BF's friends -- their influence on him and my fears associated with that, their clingyness to him, the fact that some of them desperately need a GF and because of that have ill-will towards me for some reason, and of course their immaturity being that they are all a couple years younger than me. I'm going to write more about this in another post, as me and one of his friends got into it pretty bad over the weekend...
i have to disagree here that you are too clingy! I mean, you are a regular at this club too right? You have just as much right to be there as he does! Gosh. Men can't stay away from you when you first start dating, then all of a sudden, you're "clingy" if you want to be around them! I think you need to find a man who values time with his woman instead of one who always wants you two to do everything with your "friends"! That's not a relationship. That's a relationship of convenience! Some people actually like spending time with their SO. That don't make them "clingy".
have to disagree here that you are too clingy! I mean, you are a regular at this club too right? You have just as much right to be there as he does! Gosh. Men can't stay away from you when you first start dating, then all of a sudden, you're "clingy" if you want to be around them!
Ok I think I'm being misunderstood here. I never said there was anything wrong wtih being around your boyfriend, but to need to " always" be around is to me a bit clingy. I think we all have a right to have some time with freinds alone. Or even time alone. I love my alone time where I just go out for coffee somewhere and read a book, or go horseback riding alone, whatever. I think my point was that you shoudln't need be be around your partner all the time. It would drive me crazy if my husband always invited himself out with me and my freinds and felt he needed us to be together 24/7.
As far as you going to the bar, if you were going anyways, great, but it sounded to me like you were going because you knew he was there, to check up on him, and to me that isn't good. I mean you did drive by his house to check up on him, so I guess I made the assumption that is why you went to the bar too, sorry if that wasn't the case. And if you did go just because he was there to check up on him, then yes in my view he did have a right to be irritated with you.
As far as his friends go, you can't control who his freinds are, and you have to remember, they can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do. if he goes out with them, he is a willing participant in that. He is an adult and can choose his own friends. If you are insecure, that is your issue, becuase in all honestly, if someone is going to cheat they are, and no amount of worrying about it or checking up on them is going to stop that. Maybe instead of constantly worrying about it, realize that what will be will be and if he does cheat it's his loss and you will get over it eventually.
Maybe he doesn't tell you when he wants to hang out with his buddy because of your reaction. It doesn't sound like you are very easy going about it, so maybe instead of having a big debate and a scene, he just avoinds the subject altogether. Like if he had told you he wanted to go out with his friends, would you have been mad, tried to go with him, pouted, etc? I'm not saying you would do that, I'm just saying that sometimes rather than avoid a scene guys don't say anything.
i agree that there's nothing wrong with alone time with friends. But why is it that guys can't have "friend time" somewhere other than a bar? What ever happened to fishing? It always seems that when guys get together, they are like a pack of wolves on the prowl! He don't want her at the club when he's there. What does that say?? It tells me he's up to no good! What is he hiding? It's not about snooping on him, it's about being able to show up or run into him without his "disciples" making a big deal out of it! This guy don't have the best track record in the world. I think she has reason to feel threatened by his buddies!
Last edited by mystic_star; 05-15-2006 at 10:26 AM.
I think you're both right. Its just that there are other factors that have to be considered.
For Jenna, she is married. I think the trust and rules apply differently to married couples. I'm actually divorced, and I had a lot less issues/insecurities/jealousy -- whatever you want to call it -- when I was married. So, I was totally comfortable with giving more freedom.
I think it also depends a lot on your partner's personality. My BF is very outgoing and comes across as flirtatious to other women even if he's just being nice. I also have to factor in the drinking - obviously drinking lowers inhibitions and causes poor judgement. Plus, my BF is younger than me (I'm 27 and he's 25 - doesn't seem like much, but I know it impacts our relationship because of his friends' immaturity).
Yeah, I was going to the bar because he was there. I don't know, since that lap dance thing I've just been more insecure about it. I guess its his friends too - we've been having some issues. I actually got into a screaming match with one of his friends last weekend (which could be a long post in itself) -- I think most of my issues are because his friends don't respect me, so I'm not respecting them. My BF is doing better at sticking up for me, but it may just be too little, too late.
As far as not wanting me at the club while he's there - that's red flag for me too. Its not that I won't let him go by himself, but when he's extra insistent that I don't go, well, that's a red flag. I mean, come on, men cheat. I've cheated. I think a lot of my insecurities are because I used to cheat (not on him, on my ex-hubby - who in my defense hit me a few times) and so I assume the karma will come back around. I just get confused sometimes if it is me or my bf or my past that makes me feel insecure. I think its a combination.
Regardless, our relationship is strong and its not going to end anytime soon. Even after duking it out with his friend, my bf still takes my side.
But thanks for shedding some light on this issue from outside the box.
agree that there's nothing wrong with alone time with friends. But why is it that guys can't have "friend time" somewhere other than a bar? What ever happened to fishing? It always seems that when guys get together, they are like a pack of wolves on the prowl! He don't want her at the club when he's there. What does that say?? It tells me he's up to no good! What is he hiding? It's not about snooping on him, it's about being able to show up or run into him without his "disciples" making a big deal out of it!
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While I can kind of see your point, I have to say that I go to bars with my girlfriends, and it's not a big deal. We do other things as well, but yes we do go out to the bar as well ( so does my husband occasionally with his freinds). And you know what, sometimes I don't want my husband there, it's not because I'm doing anything wrong, it's just because I want some girl time. And if he were to show up, yes, I would probably be annoyed. Especially if it was all the time...once in a while, sure, but showing up constantly, honestly I would be irriated and it would cause some fights for sure. It sounds like she has a really hard time respecting his guy time because she doesn't trust him, and if it's such a huge deal I'm really not sure why they are together, because it's fairly clear that she doesn't trust him and does feel the need to check up on him. And it's also clear that this guy isn't going to give up his friends and if she keeps showing up and checking up on him, I would wager he is going to get more and more annoyed. And if her and the friends don't get along, she just shoudln't hang out with them, when he is with the guys she should make her own plans. I don't think it's necessary to completely merge friends when you are a couple. I would also wager that if she just did give him a bit of space and stopped always being there for him and doing his laundry etc, and stopped showing up when he is out and checking up on him, he woul resepct her alot more and would probably even start wondering what she is dup to and maybe even missing her a bit.
For Jenna, she is married. I think the trust and rules apply differently to married couples. I'm actually divorced, and I had a lot less issues/insecurities/jealousy -- whatever you want to call it -- when I was married. So, I was totally comfortable with giving more freedom.
Honestly, I was the same before we got married. And I have been cheated on in the past, and been hurt, all of it...but I figure that I can't let the past affect my currenct relationship. And honestly, I don't know what being married really has to do with it, married people still cheat, in fact something like 60 cheat, so really it could still happen.
think it also depends a lot on your partner's personality. My BF is very outgoing and comes across as flirtatious to other women even if he's just being nice.
Honestly, my husband is the same way ( so am I come to think of it). And I'm older than him too, by 4 years. but it's all how you look at things. One time i walked into a bar, by chance, we don't live in that big a city and we were both out with freinds, anyways, I walked in, and he was chatting with 4 women, flirting, whatever. Didn't bother me, I just walked, up, said hi, and kept going. Flirting is flirting, no big deal. I do it too, I like to chat with people and dance and stuff, but it doesn't mean anything. So your bf is outgoing and chatty and possibly even a little flirty...I personally don't think that is any reason to feel you need to watch over him. I mean you chose to be with this guy, so you obviously knew his personality. Even if women do take it the wrong way, who cares? As long as he doesn't take it to any levels of cheating, than why worry about it if he comes across as flirtatious? you are going to drive yourself crazy thinking this way...
Yeah, I was going to the bar because he was there. I don't know, since that lap dance thing I've just been more insecure about it.
I guess I can kind of understand that, but the thing is, why were you there in the first place? I still don't think you should have been there with him. This sounds like it was a guy thing, that you felt you needed to be at the " supervise"...know what I mean, totally seeing a pattern here with you feeling you need to watch over things.
Honestly, I think his friends probably have a problem with you ( well maybe just one of the reasons) because you always show up and don't give him much space. I have been in the reverse position, I dated a guy years ago and he was like this, didn't like me being out without him, constantly showing up when we were out, and they didn't think much of him. He seemed very jealous and insecure and it was to the point where when I would be out on a girls night it was assumed he would show up and watch over things. not good. I understand why you have issues with his freinds, but they are HIS freinds, not yours, and that is his choice. If you can't get along like I said before, why be around them? You have your own friends I assume to hang out with. And remember, his freinds can't force him to do anything, if he does it's of his own free will.
And yes, cheating does happen for sure, but worrying about it isn't really going to prevent it. If it happens it happens, and you will deal with that then. Honestly the way you are living sounds stressful, always worrying and driving by his house and feeling you need to show up where he is..it must be extremely exhausting...
I do have to say when I tell my BF that I'm going out with my friends ...and I don't do it often ....but when I do and he shows up knowing that I'm there, it really p-s me off !!
Hanging out with your friends is exactly that, and while I love to spend time with my BF ....I also like that "friend" break every so often.
My BF showed up ONCE when I told him I was meeting my girlfriends out, it was ALL girls, sitting around talking, laughing, reliving old times and he walked in. Of course he came over to the table, I gave him a big hug ...then he sat there ....and sat .....didn't join in the conversation ...how could he? It was girl talk? I kept having to ask "what's wrong" ....or say "you can join in" .....but of course, he has nothing to contribute to the most comfortable bra conversation .....which in turn, made me feel as if I had to "entertain" him .........I did not say anything during the time, but I left him have it when we got home !!!
I say let the poor guy hang out with his friends once in a while without you showing up. And if he doesn't want to see you every night ....I don't think that's a big deal either ...........I love my BF very much but sometimes I like my "alone" time.
I know they'll talk to any woman who gives them the time of day. Not saying that is cheating though. I mean, I don't care if my BF talks to another girl in a bar, as long as its just talking. I do it too, can't help it sometimes ya know...
How on earth are you supposed to trust a man who is hanging out with cheaters? I mean, he must have something in common with them! (has to make you wonder).
Wouldn't you want someone to do the same for you if they knew your boyfriend was cheating?
