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Old 05-12-2006, 11:19 PM   #1
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justaLUVR HB User
Insecurity -plz help

hey folks, this may turn out to be long but im in one of those heartbroken/depressed situations, PLEASE HELP

Im 18 and i dated this girl for 2 years, we broke up sadly about for about 4 months, and i was so upset i told her i didnt care if she had interests in other guys (big mistake) about 4 months ago we got back together, but during our break she made out/kissed about 10 guys. Even after all this time, i cannot get over it. please understand that she is my first for EVERYTHING - kissing, sex, etc. So i get these visual images in my head of another man and she always makes fun of my kissing ability, it makes me so insecure and i cry myself to sleep almost every night because she is not as lovey/close as she used to be. I feel so insecure about her other experiences and how inexperienced i am, and it makes me think if i ever meet another girl, i will be judged on my LACK of experience, and because i dont drink and party, i feel i will not get experienced and have future relationships ruined b/c of my insecurity........... please help with any advice regarding how i forget these thoughts of other men. also understand i am not a crazy, perfectionist freak, i am very muscular, play college football, and am popular, but obviously, everyone has their problems on the inside......... PLEASE HELP

Last edited by moderator2; 05-13-2006 at 06:51 AM. Reason: sexual details are not necessary nor allowed on this board

 
Old 05-12-2006, 11:37 PM   #2
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Hiya HB User
Re: Insecurity -plz help

Well, the reality in this day and age being what it is, no matter who you get involved with, they will have past lovers, though I understand this happened with other guys when you were more "on a break" than really broken up, it sounds, and while you were pining for her, she was messing around with other guys.

I'm sure it can't be easy to deal with feeling insecure when she makes fun of how you kiss! That's not too cool on her part. Is it constructive criticism or is she just mean and making fun about it?

There's a song called "I Want To Live" and the guy is singing about how free and alive he wants to be and one line is "love like I ain't afraid to be alone" which may sound like a contradiction, but it really isn't. You have to learn to love this girl like you're not afraid to lose her. Love her, treat her well, with honesty, kindness and respect, but you don't have to take any crap from her either. Tell her how her making fun affects you and ask her to maturely, respectfully discuss it if she has a problem with how you kiss and see if you both can work on being more compatible in that area. As far as the images of the other men, I don't have any real concrete advice on how to get rid of those images, but hopefully after some time, when you become more secure in yourself and in your rebuilding your relationship, they will subside. Good luck to you.

 
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Old 05-13-2006, 12:13 AM   #3
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justaLUVR HB User
Re: Insecurity -plz help

thanks alot for the reply, also, do most women care how experienced a man is? i feel like i can be the most loving, caring, sweet, respectful guy on this earth but its hard for me to deal with the whole expereiced factor

 
Old 05-13-2006, 12:32 AM   #4
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Hiya HB User
Re: Insecurity -plz help

Quote:
Originally Posted by justaLUVR
thanks alot for the reply, also, do most women care how experienced a man is? i feel like i can be the most loving, caring, sweet, respectful guy on this earth but its hard for me to deal with the whole expereiced factor
I think it depends on the woman. Some women would freak perhaps, but there are plenty of others who are looking for someone just like you. I myself am 41 and still a virgin, and while some men I know have a HUGE problem with it, I am glad I didn't run out and "rack up numbers" with a bunch of guys who didn't care for me and who I didn't care for just for the "experience." But I've also been told by some men that they think it's incredibly sexy that I haven't been with anyone, and I'm such a cut above the kind of women who "look like they've been rode hard and put away wet."

There are some women who would value experience, but there are also plenty of women looking for someone like you. I personally dont' think experience is nearly as important as love and caring, and I find a large number for a guy is a real turn off. I dont' want to be with someone who's slept with every chick in town! I've only really dated one guy, and he had only had one lover before me, and had only made out with a handful of other women before me, and that was soooooooo not a problem for me. I loved the fact that I was with someone who valued emotional connect and caring with sexuality like I did, and I didn't have to worry about what STDs he was hiding from me, or didn't even know he had yet. I also diddled around with a guy, mainly just to try to get over my ex, and this guy has been with dozens and dozens of women, maybe even in the triple digits, and that was the main reason I did not sleep with him. Just the idea of where he's been just really grossed me out. Not every woman values a great deal of "experience." Be proud to be who you are.

 
Old 05-13-2006, 05:56 AM   #5
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mystic_star HB User
Re: Insecurity -plz help

hi! you sound like a very sweet guy, and those are hard to come by anymore. If this girl don't see all of your good qualities, another one will! We are all inexperienced at first be it kissing, sex, or whatever. Don't take that personal. Experience comes with time and practice and she should not be criticizing you about kissing (or anything else for that matter). As far as her with other guys, there is no real solution as far as forgetting about that, but everytime you start to think about it, just immediately replace that thought with something else and eventually your mind will start letting go of those thoughts! I know it's hard to imagine your lover with past relationships, so the best thing to do is try not to even go there! Tell yourself that it's over, it's in the past and eventually your mind will learn to put that thought out. It really works because I had to do that with my BF about his ex. Now, I hardly think about the two of them "making out" and if I do, I immediately say to myself "in the past, leave it there", and honestly the thought leaves me!! You can train your brain to think positive thoughts if you are consistant with it. Try it. It takes a little time, but it's worth it not to have these negative images in your head! You'll be ok. You are young and have so much ahead of you. If this girlfriend can't see the nice caring guy that the rest of us here do, then she'll be the one missing out!

 
Old 05-13-2006, 09:13 AM   #6
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RiAnne HB User
Re: Insecurity -plz help

actually, i prefer a guy who is less experienced because i dont like guys that have slept around a lot. at 18 years old experience can definitely be a bad thing. as far as you being insecure about her experience, that is something that you'll get over as you mature. it is hard for anyone to think of the person that they care for or love, being with somebody else. but as time goes by you'll realize that it's just the way life is.

 
Old 05-14-2006, 09:57 PM   #7
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justaLUVR HB User
Re: Insecurity -plz help

thank you so much, mystic, its so hard though because she never seems to want to kiss me anymore and to think about how she made out with 10 or more guys when we were on our break, it feels like ive been cheated on because i didnt even hug another girl. and she was figered too, its more than thinking about exes, i feel cheated ya kno?

 
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