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Old 05-13-2006, 09:13 PM   #1
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Stef457 HB User
Relationship Health Regarding Friends.....

I need some advice here regarding friendships....
I happen to have three good friends, one of which I've know for almost 8 years, the others 2 almost two years. The other two, we have become very good friends, very quickly, I seek advice from them and get back 100 percent honesty from them. Really love them both - they happen to be sisters. One is getting married soon and wants me in her wedding too.

The other friend, I've met first year in college and we get along well, disagree at times, but I seek the same advice from her and I get 100 percent honesty from her too. I also do the same for all three.

However, here's the thing - all 3 happen to have money woes. I do not, thank God. What I mean is that I feel very blessed to not have this issue over my head.

But, I think, to a degree, our friendship becomes severed in a way. It seems that we do not go out often, b/c of their $$ woes. I respect this, and to be honest, I have offered many times to cover tabs and I do. But it does get them a bit upset, and I understand. I don't do it always, as a matter of fact, I am not doing it lately to not make them uncomfortable. I just offer b/c I love their company.

But it seems that as of lately, they don't want to go out. I have offered many times to go out to movies, clubs, lounges, etc and they say thanks but I can't. One who is engaged, just hangs out with her fiance all the time, or rarely goes out herself. We talk through email about 2x a week. Whereas the other two have grad school, so it does take up a bit more time and they get tired too from their job. But we're young - if we don't go out now, when will we?

The other issue is that I don't drive, so when we go out, they have to pick me up. I have thanked them time and again, and apologized for the hassel of picking me up/taking me home, and they repeated said it was no big deal. The sisters live about 15 min away, whereas the other lives close to an hour away.

Here's my dilemma: I'm tired of being home on w/e, and not going out. But I definately don't want to impose myself on them and always ask them to go out, b/c I'm the one who always initiates. And most case, they say no, I can't....I'm thinking it's the $$ issue for sure. How can I work around this? I'm reading a book about self-confidence & meeting people, and it says I AM the one who has to initiate contacts if I WANT other's company. The truth is that they really love my company & WANT to go out, but I really believe the $$ issue holds them back. What can I do? I need people in my life, friends. I don't know the extent of the $$ issue, but I can't image it to be very bad - they all have full time jobs.

How can I ask my friends to go out, without me overstepping my boundaries and becoming a nusiance to them? I can't tell anymore if they want to hang out, or why I haven't called lately to hang out, or if they think I'm waiting for them to call? I'm just so upset....

 
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Old 05-13-2006, 09:26 PM   #2
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Re: Relationship Health Regarding Friends.....

I just want to add that, I do not offer all the time. They don't get upset in terms of me insulting them. They just say, "You offered ___ times, and that's enough!"

What I meant to say is that, if they need extra I'm there to cover it. And they don't take advantage of that at all. I wouldn't hang out with anyone who would do that to me.

 
Old 05-14-2006, 10:24 AM   #3
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Kentucky_Miss HB User
Re: Relationship Health Regarding Friends.....

I understand what you mean, it can be quite disconcerting to feel like you are in a sense "abandoned" because the things you want to do may or may not be what your friend wants to do. I think if you value their friendship and vice versa, then somewhere along the line the communication should be improved by simply opening up and talking about it. Their money problems may be bringing them down at the moment, and probably feel some intimidation because you can spend more freely than they can. You don't always have to go out and spend money to have fun. The best thing to do would be to call your friend up, tell them you miss their company, and ask them over for coffee or tea. The more you express the desire to be apart of their lives, the more special they will feel for you initiating the get together. In turn, they should be calling you to have get togethers as well, since friendship is a two way street. I hope you are able to bring them back into your life to rekindle the sisterhood.

 
Old 05-14-2006, 04:09 PM   #4
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Relationship Health Regarding Friends.....

I think MsKentucky has a good idea in that you can sometimes invite your friends over for some coffee or tea, or a glass of wine, so that they don't have to spend money if they're financially stranded. I can totally understand, though, that as a single woman you would prefer to go out on weekends, since you probably spend too much home as it is. I have the same exact problem. I have a few female friends, but they're either in a relationship or married, and they spend the majority of their free time with their guys. Sometimes they go out on double dates, but I'm not invited since I don't have a boyfriend. Since I'm basically in the same situation, I don't really know what to tell you, except that I very much relate. I'm not in a fantastic financial situation, but I'm the kind of person who'd rather not eat much during the week and go out and have fun on the weekend, so for me it's hard to understand those people who'd rather sit home when they have the option of going out. Especially if they're single. But even when I was in a relationship, I loved to go out with my ex-boyfriend. I guess I'm just not a homebody, so it all really depends on someone's personality. Perhaps your friends are more into staying home because it's just their nature?? Man, I hate to stay home, so for me it's double or triple punishment that I wasn't able to really go out much in the last couple of years. You're right: when are we going to go out, when we're 60? I think in the same way as you do.

 
Old 05-14-2006, 11:33 PM   #5
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Riley123 HB User
Re: Relationship Health Regarding Friends.....

Well, I'm a guy but in a similar situation. My few friends (male and female) ALL have money issues. All I want to do sometimes is go out and get a bite to eat, even if it's just fast food. It seems either I have to pay or we don't go out. To me it's not so enjoyable when I am the one always paying. I feel like I either have to offer to pay or I will be sitting at home alone on a weekend night. It's a tough trade off...spending twice what I would if I ate alone, or be alone. Sometimes they reciprocate, so I shouldn't say they NEVER pay, but it is very seldom and I start crunching numbers and realize that I'm into spending the dough much more than they are. I wish I had some answers for you. Hang in there, mabye it's time we both looked for some new friends.

 
Old 05-19-2006, 09:44 AM   #6
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Stef457 HB User
Re: Relationship Health Regarding Friends.....

Thanks guys, I understand that this issue is a very common one.
Okay, so I did bring up the subject to one, and I say: Oh this party is going on next friday, let's go. So she responds, okay let's go, but let me ask fiance. And then she say, You know I'm an old lady now, I don't keep up or go out much anymore - translation: I'm 27, getting married in 6 months so I'm set. Could you believe it! Or a coiuple months back she says, oh, we have to find you a guy so we can all go out together! And, Stef, get out as much as you can, me, I'm already set with a husband. Now how do I respond to that!!

Mind you, she comes from a traditional Greek family like me, so I understand, for the most part. But I think I'm starting to be turned off by this, and the sad thing is that if I lose her, I'm down to one LESS friend. I can't afford to do that.

But it's so hard to meet good friend too. This is such a dillema for me

 
Old 05-19-2006, 01:42 PM   #7
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Murray67980 HB User
Re: Relationship Health Regarding Friends.....

Hi Steph!
I totally understand what you are going through. I've been on both ends of this situation.

See, the thing is; when a person is in a happy, loving relationship with someone, it is easy to think….. “ok, I can be completely happy just staying in and renting movies and not spending any money with my boyfriend/husband”, or, “I can spend money that I do not have, go out with friends who are only interested in doing something that I cannot do anyway (meeting guys), only to wake up with a headache and an empty wallet.”
But that’s just me. I don’t even like the bar scene when I am on the prowl…
I also know what its like to be strapped for cash…

However, I also understand where you are coming from because I have been there (and still am most weekends)! There’s nothing worse than one of your close friends making a comment like the ones you’ve posted above. I actually got to a point where I rather hang out with my mom than my friends because of their insensitive comments about how happy and fulfilling their lives were compared to mine…

I think all women go through this. This is when “Friendship” is really put to the test.

Just like in any relationship, there must be compromise…

I think your friends should make it a point to go out with you and have fun at least once a month on a weekend day. However, if for the majority of the time, they want to lie low with their fiancé’s/husbands and save money, you need to respect that. It’s a hard thing to accept, but when 2 people decide to get married, they automatically will come first to one another. It stinks, and it hurts, but that’s life and one day it will be you. (I went through a huge depression when my best friend from childhood got married. It felt like she broke up with me!)

Maybe you can look into some fun, cheap, week day activities???
I know in my city, week days are even more fun than weekends because the bars have all kinds of drink specials and the people are more down to earth. It’s more about having a good time with friends on week days, rather than the meat market bars turn into on weekends… I guarantee that your friends will probably be more willing to go out on a Thursday night, rather than a Saturday.

Also, you have to show them that you’re not using them to go out and meet people. I had a friend who always got upset with me and gave me the guilt treatment because I never went out with her and she was lonely. Yet, any time I would ask her to see a movie, or just come over to hang out (because I was broke), that was never good enough. Basically, she wanted me to go out b/c she didn’t want to go to a bar by herself.
When I did go with her to a bar, it was all about her finding a man. It didn’t even seem like she cared to talk or socialize with me.
I am not saying that this is what you’re doing in any way… But, be on guard because others may see it that way. (Us women are so complicated!) So, you also do have to make an effort to do the things that your friends like to do. Even if that means going out to dinner with them and their SO's once in a while… (I was a 3rd, 5th, and 7th wheel for a long time. You get used to it.)

Whoa, I’m just going to stop now, before I write a book…

I wish you lots of luck! I hope you have a fun weekend with or without them!!!

PS - Keep in mind that its just as easy for an engaged or married friend to get jealous of a single one. Sometimes its not fun going to bars/clubs on a Saturday night. Its like being starved for a week and then having to look at a big fat cheese burger that you cannot have...

Last edited by Murray67980; 05-19-2006 at 01:47 PM.

 
Old 05-19-2006, 03:29 PM   #8
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Stef457 HB User
Re: Relationship Health Regarding Friends.....

Thanks for your advice. Actually, I never give the impression that I am jealous that she's engaged. No, it's the complete opposite. It's just that I know for a fact that this one particular friend does not go out anyway!! And when we met, she stated from the beginning that she's a home-body!

And she knows for sure that I'm not jealous of the relationship at all, or steal her man!! No way!! But what I'm bothered with is trying to make efforts to get together (WHEN they can), and they turn me down most of the time!

This past Sunday she's like oh lets go out for some ice cream! AAnd I say okay. However she's been saying "lets go/ice cream" for some time now!! And we still haven't

What really bothers me is that when she was single, she kept saying let's go out, however when she got back together with her man and he proposed, she never wanted to go out! And when we would say how stupid it is when some girls give up their friends for their guys, it just occurred to me how hypocritical that was b/c that's what she's doing to me now!

I don't know how I'll make new friends

Last edited by Stef457; 05-19-2006 at 05:11 PM.

 
Old 05-19-2006, 04:03 PM   #9
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Re: Relationship Health Regarding Friends.....

I know how hard it is to make new friends Steph. Women can be even more insensitive than men at times...
I have a friend that used to love going out and drinking... I never was big on going to bars and she would always make rude comments about how I'm a 60 year old trapped in a 25 year old's body...
Now, she is married and pregnant and all I have to do is have a glass of wine and she's basically calling me an alcoholic.
I just don't understand how people can change so quickly. As I get older I realize that most people, even good friends, really only care about one person...themselves.
Even as I was going through the most painful break-up, I had friends who still took every opportunity to talk about how happy they were in their relationships. I've never been jealous of my friends in the sense that I want their life. I've just been hurt by them and thought, "I wouldn't mind finding an even better relationship and rubbing it in their face". So, I guess I have been jealous in a sense.

Why don't you try taking a class or volunteering? Do you work? You can meet a lot of new people by just always keeping busy and trying new things. You don't have to be life long friends to have fun with someone. Some of the best times I have going out are with people who are just work aquaintences who I barely know a thing about (personally).

 
Old 05-19-2006, 05:16 PM   #10
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Stef457 HB User
Re: Relationship Health Regarding Friends.....

I applied for a job 2 days ago in Manhattan - a paper/invitation retail store - and I haven't heard back yet, so I'm thinking to past by there Monday and fill out an application. I have a feeling most of the employees there are in their 20s like me, so hopefully I'll meet new people.

But it really is frustrating not to have friends around And not driving does make matters worse.

What kind of volunteering can I do? Are you familiar with any hospitals in NYC, do they have volunteer programs?

 
Old 05-20-2006, 09:58 AM   #11
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Murray67980 HB User
Re: Relationship Health Regarding Friends.....

Hi Stef!
I have a friend who lived in Manhatten for 6 years and always had the same problem when it came to meeting people. He started volunteering for an organization just for 20-something singles and had a lot of fun. He met a lot of people and got to do something nice (this organization did everything from working at retirement homes, hospitals, environmental stuff, and working with children. You get to choose what events to be a part of.)
He is out of town this weekend, but when I talk to him I will find out the name of the organization. (If I'm allowed to do that on these boards).

 
Old 05-20-2006, 09:24 PM   #12
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Stef457 HB User
Re: Relationship Health Regarding Friends.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Murray67980
Hi Stef!
I have a friend who lived in Manhatten for 6 years and always had the same problem when it came to meeting people. He started volunteering for an organization just for 20-something singles and had a lot of fun. He met a lot of people and got to do something nice (this organization did everything from working at retirement homes, hospitals, environmental stuff, and working with children. You get to choose what events to be a part of.)
He is out of town this weekend, but when I talk to him I will find out the name of the organization. (If I'm allowed to do that on these boards).
Oh, thanks! Sounds interesting! If you don't mind, let me know, please, the date you want to post? That way I can check back then. I don' t know why it should...Thanks!

 
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