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Old 05-19-2006, 12:09 AM   #1
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Veronica_Mars HB User
my new plan

Hi again,

So I could really use advice, I've been thinking a lot about men and relationships and who I like and who I don't like. Honestly, some of my exes are still more loyal, close friends than guys I am seeing now, and in comparison, that guy J I was telling you about doesn't hold up too well.

I kind of want to write him an email that says something like:

Hey, we can be friends, but I don't really think you've earned my trust, and I think you cross the fine line between being busy and just rude more often than I'd like. Hopefully you understand and don't expect anything from me. But anyway, I'm having a huge random party, mostly a college reunion kind of party next weekend, and you should come along with anyone else you want to bring. We're going out this weekend, sat, too if you all want to meet up...Also, can you give me the emails for x y z people?
Thanks, Stacy

Is that mean or uncalled for? I personally don't think so, he might think it's cold, but quite frankly, he's in no position to pass judgment on me for that or for being kind of a player when i get the sense he shares these qualities to a lesser extent. Also, is the idea of having a party where I invite everyone I know, then pick and choose which guys I like there just an evil idea, or could it be a fun social experiment? I just don't want to make promises I can't keep or let people down if they expect loyalty from me, but I also believe loyalty and trust should be earned not given out indisciminately for free.

 
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Old 05-19-2006, 03:24 PM   #2
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Re: my new plan

Hi there,

I don't know much about this guy J you were seeing but I assume that he turned out to be not up to your standards? I don't also know which people he should bring along with him? Sorry if you have posted about him elsewhere.
My two cents: if you are seriously interested in any of these guys you are inviting, then it might be an awkward situation for you two to get on, given all the other distractions. I am not really sure if this would be the best situation to be able to wisely "pick and choose" either. You might all have a bit to drink so you won't be bothered about making informed decisions with all the excitement of meeting the old folks, new faces, or whoever is going to be there. Also, what would you Veronica know about a guy's worth in few hours of fun? No I would say have fun, but don't take it further than a light-hearted get-together at this stage.
Good luck and let's know how things go.

Last edited by WhiteLily; 05-19-2006 at 03:54 PM.

 
Old 05-22-2006, 10:20 PM   #3
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Veronica_Mars HB User
Re: my new plan

Thanks White Lily,

You are exactly right about everything you said, and yes, I just don't think this J guy is up to my standards. He's too busy or independent or selfish or whatever, but I think he crosses the fine line between having his own life and just being rude sometimes, and that isn't acceptable to me. So I figure we can be friends if he wants, if not, then whatever...I actually did go ahead and sent an email out to about fifty people I know from high school, college, and randomly (I'm 24 now). I'm going to have a party this weekend and another one jointly with my best girl friend the weekend after, and since I'm not seriously interested in any one guy, I'm going to invite all of the ones I still like for entertainment and just in case I decide to recycle someone. I tend to do that, hook up with and hang out with the same dozen or so men I've known forever, just the same ones over and over with some random guys sprinkled in for variety. But actually, that may not be the worst way to play it now, since I'm not looking for just one guy and I'm wanting to have fun and party all summer with old friends.

Plus, there is one man in particular who is the only one who ever really stood up to me emotionally and intellectually, part of me still loves/hates him, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if he felt the same judging from how he's reacted every time we've been together since we split way back in high school. If I could have my pick of men, I just might pick him again despite the fact that he was the first guy I really experimented with sexually and there have been quite a few since that have seriously distracted me. But I have no idea about how to get him back, other than calling him up and saying, hey, I'm really sorry I was such a jerk and especially sorry I hurt you by messing around...I miss you if you know what I mean...so when are you coming back into town? His name is H, I might be bringing him up again...getting in touch with all my old friends is lots of fun but also brings up possibly too many possibilities! Yikes...anyway thanks guys, I will keep you posted.

 
Old 05-23-2006, 02:57 PM   #4
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eve40 HB User
Re: my new plan

Hey, we can be friends, but I don't really think you've earned my trust, and I think you cross the fine line between being busy and just rude more often than I'd like. Hopefully you understand and don't expect anything from me.
I'm having a huge random party, mostly a college reunion kind of party next weekend, and you should come along with anyone else you want to bring. We're going out this weekend, sat, too if you all want to meet up...


In the first part of your email you basically tell him he's rude and inadequate, but in the second part of your email you tell him you want him to come to your party and get togethers. Talk about mixed messages. I would suspect that this guy will be as confused, about you feelings for him, as I am. Keep him or cut him loose, Stacy. Stringing along is as wrong for a woman, as it is for a man. If you still don't know what you want from him, that's ok. Just TELL him and give him some idea about where things are going, but your email is confusing and mystifing. If you want to continue to play the field and aren't ready to settle down, that's ok too. But, if it's part of the reason for ending this and you really believe this guy thinks you two are exclusive, then you need to let him know you aren't looking for something permanent. This email leaves him with the impression that the end of this relationship was totally his fault, but you know that part of this reason is that you are not interested in settling down right now. If a man wanted to play the field and ended the relationship by telling the woman she was too rude and busy for him, how would you advise the women on the man's behavior?
I'm gonna be tough with you on this one, my dear, because I know you understand what I mean and are up to being fair and honest.

Last edited by eve40; 05-23-2006 at 03:35 PM.

 
Old 05-23-2006, 05:20 PM   #5
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Veronica_Mars HB User
Re: my new plan

You are right, Eve, I know that, and I'm not going to send any message like that. I think that all he has the right to expect from me is to be friends/friendly, and I will do that...I invited him to the party, but I don't really know or care if he'll come. All this talking with people from my past has made me realize that I shouldn't settle for anything less than the best, most interesting, and nicest friends/boyfriends/hookups/friends with benefits etc. And this J, I think he means well, but he is just too busy/too self-involved to be a really good friend, and so I'm not that interested anymore, you know? I think I will just see what happens...maybe I won't have to deal with him anymore, or if he talks to me, I'll tell him that I'm not looking to date any one person right now. I've never said anything differently...mostly I'm just trying to be an honest person who doesn't break her promises. I think that's all I can expect of myself given all my scandalous instincts and tendencies, so that's the best I can do. Oh but I want to change the subject a bit here, and hopefully you guys can help me with the scenario I kind of referenced above with my way way back when ex. I'll post again soon, thanks again.

 
Old 05-23-2006, 05:53 PM   #6
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Re: my new plan

Quote:
Originally Posted by Veronica_Mars
You are right, Eve, I know that, and I'm not going to send any message like that. I think that all he has the right to expect from me is to be friends/friendly, and I will do that...I invited him to the party, but I don't really know or care if he'll come. All this talking with people from my past has made me realize that I shouldn't settle for anything less than the best, most interesting, and nicest friends/boyfriends/hookups/friends with benefits etc. And this J, I think he means well, but he is just too busy/too self-involved to be a really good friend, and so I'm not that interested anymore, you know? I think I will just see what happens...maybe I won't have to deal with him anymore, or if he talks to me, I'll tell him that I'm not looking to date any one person right now. I've never said anything differently...mostly I'm just trying to be an honest person who doesn't break her promises. I think that's all I can expect of myself given all my scandalous instincts and tendencies, so that's the best I can do. Oh but I want to change the subject a bit here, and hopefully you guys can help me with the scenario I kind of referenced above with my way way back when ex. I'll post again soon, thanks again.

I think you are right on target, Stacy.

 
Old 05-23-2006, 06:02 PM   #7
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SophiaM HB User
Re: my new plan

Stacy, regarding your ex, if you really feel compelled to get in touch with him, and you were the one who broke his heart, I think there's no way around it but to make that phonecall. But first I think you'd need to clarify in your mind why it is that you're seeking to reestablish contact with him. Do you want to possibly get back together? Do you want to just touch base and find out how he's doing and catch up on each other's lives? Do you want to be casual friends? Or do you want him to be a part of your 'guy harem'? I think especially if you hurt him in the past, it would be better to have an idea what your motivation for seeking him out again is. Then based on that, you'd know better how to procede.

 
Old 05-23-2006, 06:10 PM   #8
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Re: my new plan

All this talking with people from my past has made me realize that I shouldn't settle for anything less than the best, most interesting, and nicest friends/boyfriends/hookups/friends with benefits etc. And this J, I think he means well, but he is just too busy/too self-involved to be a really good friend, and so I'm not that interested anymore, you know? I think I will just see what happens...

Good plan. My thing is, seperate your friends out from your buddies. Your friends are people who are dependable, who you can trust, who respect you, and vice-versa. Buddies are people you have a good time with, but you don't take it any further than that, AND if you do, don't expect too much.
Yes, ultimately EVERY single person who you socialize with should be trustworthy, loyal, have great morals, etc., but the truth of the matter is, that's just not gonna happen. When you find those people who have that depth of character, that certain something that makes them trustworthy, that strength that makes them loyal, that life experience that makes them compassionate, you HOLD ON to those people. Those people are YOUR FRIENDS.
The people who crack jokes that can make you spit out your drink, who "look good on the dance floor", who know all the cool/fun places to go, BUT can't be relied upon to...to do much of anything? Those are your buddies (pals, partners in crime, etc.).
DO NOT depend on them, trust them, believe in their potential, etc. Have fun with them (but I'd be careful if fun involves sex...just a disclaimer). Life is too short not to have fun. Fun is VERY important, but GIIIIIIIRL, don't you EVER loan them money, bail them out of jail, help them move, drive them to the airport or invite them to your wedding, etc .
Oh, and no one needs to read me the riot act either. Everyone has buddies. You either don't know it or your dumped them because you thought they were friends. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and paid too much for it. I still believe in buddies. JUST KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

 
Old 05-23-2006, 08:35 PM   #9
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Re: my new plan

oh no i spoke too soon! i don't know, i keep going back and forth, yikes! i might be getting in way over my head here. i have to have some patience and proceed methodically, one thing at a time. though now i'm conflicted again because stupid old J called, and he was all like wanting to act boyfriendish about this weekend. of course he wants to come to the party and he even wants to come out of town with me after that when i go visit my family's resort. we shall have to see all about that...he'll have to make a reservation, because while he can still reasonably expect to be in my starting lineup, he can't possibly expect to be the only guy in my life if he's so busy with his own life that i only talk to him and see him once or twice a week. especially since we've never talked about any exclusivity, and i think he knows me well enough to know not to press me on it until he's willing to make the necessary sacrifices.

but just when i was thinking about our conversation, we talked for like half an hour, i came home and alas an email from my ex H (as mentioned above, he's just like mr. big for me). apparently he is coming back to the city i'm in, where we went to high school together, and has a job all lined up and everything. part of me is SO INCREDIBLY excited because i can't help it, i love him still in some ways and he excites me like no one has ever since. part of me is thinking OH NO PANIC TIME this is bad news, because i know exactly what will happen between us. the same old thing, and it has already started, yikes. i guess i knew this would happen and i wanted it to happen, as i love to have options, but i still can't help thinking i might not be ready for all of this at once. please help me.

 
Old 05-23-2006, 08:43 PM   #10
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Re: my new plan

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
Stacy, regarding your ex, if you really feel compelled to get in touch with him, and you were the one who broke his heart, I think there's no way around it but to make that phonecall. But first I think you'd need to clarify in your mind why it is that you're seeking to reestablish contact with him. Do you want to possibly get back together? Do you want to just touch base and find out how he's doing and catch up on each other's lives? Do you want to be casual friends? Or do you want him to be a part of your 'guy harem'? I think especially if you hurt him in the past, it would be better to have an idea what your motivation for seeking him out again is. Then based on that, you'd know better how to procede.
Tigerlily, I think you are right on target about friends vs. buddies. They are both fun and good to have, but they are definitely two separate groups. Once I know I can't totally count on someone I don't forget that and I certainly don't treat them as a true friend. Far too many people are just too nice in my opinion and get taken advantage of by the users of the world as a result...it's not their fault, but it is within their control to some degree. It's so key to be tough about who you let be a special part of your life.

And Sophia, the more I think about my ex H, the more I remember how much I loved him, how much chemistry we had, how we had the most incredible sex life ever, and how much we know about each other. Yes, I want him back, I really really really do, but I don't want to admit it because it might not happen then. I don't know what he wants or expects from me, probably to hang out and see what happens, but I just can't resist him at all. Part of me has always been SO in love with him because he really stands up to me, challenges me, makes me mad, but also makes me feel happy and understood. Then the rest of me has always been immature and rebellious and wanted to run around with other men, but to H's credit, he seems to understand me and not judge me or cut me out of his life. At least not so far, and I am a lot more honest, upfront, respectful, and not hurtful now than I have been in the past. So here's what I'd like to happen...we get together, we play some game or sport like always, we fight, it's foreplay, then you know. I think that's totally feasible based on past experience if only I can play my cards right and be nice, but not too nice, and that if things go well, it's not out of the question that there could be another chance for us. Maybe I'm just thinking hopelessly optimistically, as I can't imagine being able to bow down and ask him for another chance. So much drama, but i can't complain, because I did it and because deep down right now anyway I love it.

To give you an example of our interactions I will borrow from my my space page where I posted up some especially humorous quotes from yearbooks/emails...this is the kind of way we used to, and still do, relate. Maybe I'm messed up in the head for being crazy for this guy, but for better or worse, he seems to feel more or less the same way.

So here goes:

What can I say to sum up the year except to borrow some of your most memorable words: but *****! Come on!!! or Im bored, do something about it! or It doesnt matter what you do, your paper will still suck or will you carry my books please h****, they clash with my dress and so on and so forth. This summer will be cool. also, youre my baby, dont let anyone tell you different. You are also very cute when you get angry which means you're always cute. I just know this year wouldnt have been as fun without you and neither will next year. Maybe next year though you could not get mad at me as much, I would appreciate that. Yeah, you've got points baby, Ill give you that, you can redeem them anytime at your local convenience store. Take it easy...H


11/11/02
stacy
your shortness is a credit to phildelphians everywhere and a midget contest with you leading the way is the only contest they could win. when i get back on thanksgiving i will beat you at 2k3 although i have never played it, and any other game you want, and it is you that quits all of our games or contests in one form or another becaue you know you will lose, i aslo notice
you are never on im anymore because you know i will just talk **** to you and youll have to take it, and you never could
h


1/28/03
hahahahaha
"i hope you choke on keyshawn johnson's ****"
this deserves a place in our qoute hall of fame next too, "no sex just talk" and "why dont you ask me a fun question." im sorry about philly but deep down you knew they were going to lose, they had to its just the way it is, so remember you always have the flyers
h****

----- Original Message ----
Sent: Tuesday, January 21, 2003 7:13 PM
i hope you choke on keyshawn johnson's ****. and that you fail all your exams. i was expecting something like this from you but this is such a terrible catastrophe that not even you could possibly make me feel any worse.
thanks, stacy


2/6/03
short short,
i did NOT have it coming, you dont understand i did nothing, NOTHING, i was just better that you at mariokart and you couldnt take it, not to mention that i was and am better than you at everything else except writing and reading. did you see those flyers get trounced by the wild the other day, great moment, along with the sixers going down youve had a great couple of weeks. anyway i gotta run hope all is well, H


5/9/03
shorty
the good old wild, i stayed up til almost 130 my time to watch the game instead doing either one of my two 15 pagers last night, it was beautiful, at least i still have one team to root for, what are u going to do in new york?, im going to be in boston until the 8th, then i come home for a month then im going to australia, now i have to get back to drinking
h

-- Original Message -----
Sent: Saturday, May 03, 2003 8:25 PM
Subject: i thought you were going to ask me a fun question
hi, i'm on my way to getting drunk all thanks to the flyers. sorry i haven't gloated in awhile, i've had four million things to do for school but now i am just about completely done which means life, once again, can be devoted to all the fun things. did you win at nationals? congratulations henry i am surprised you are able to fight your laziness and love of drinking enough to play sports. rugby, right? although if its anything like here i bet you get to do plenty of drinking. my high from the red wings loss is fading as the flyers blow it over and over again. the wild are going nowhere, way to have minnesota pride anyway though. are you going to be on the east coast this summer? i am going to new york. keep in touch > love stacy


12/10/03
heres a poem for you
you are short
and not tall
your eagles are winning
but they soon will fall
damn im good, im a poet and i dont even know it, dont stress out about school its not worth it, and i dont know what drama is going on in your life but its probably not worth it either, of course i sent your mom a thank you card, i always try to do that especially for her who does so many nice things for me(unlike her daughter....just kidding), anyway if you are feeling to special and perfect and need to be deflated or cut down and just generally ridiculed and beaten in every conversation/competition/get riledup like no one else can do, gimme a call you know the number babe, otherwise ill talk to you later, H-----

Original Message Sent: Monday, December 09, 2002 9:21 PM
Subject: Re: The eagles are still winning > look, i don't even need to change the subject. i've been waiting all my life for the eagles to play this well. how are you? i am one step from self-destructing at this point, way too much work and way too much drama in my life. is it possible that i am crazy? don't answer that. i miss talking to you

Last edited by Veronica_Mars; 05-23-2006 at 09:02 PM.

 
Old 05-23-2006, 08:48 PM   #11
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*DottieGirl* HB User
Re: my new plan

I know what you mean about exes being loyal. I've had quite a few friends who were ex boyfriends and at least we both knew each long enough, and in deeper ways so that we could actually be normal around each other. At least most of my exes knew me well enough so that we would have private jokes, and know eachother's friends. Anyway, I consider my college sweetheart of almost 14 yrs now one of my best friends. He never forgets to call me, and though he calls me up with his problems, sometimes I'll ramble on about mine. So that's cool. It's meaningful. But I've learned that if you want to move on to having another relationship rather than a ex-boyfriend-friendship of the deepest kind, which they are good to have at times -- you have to cut the cord. They are hard to dampen and give up, but you have to throw yourself in the water and let loose.

 
Old 05-24-2006, 08:25 AM   #12
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Re: my new plan

Wow, Stacy--what a coincident that H emailed just when you were wishing to get in contact with him! Amazing! So, at least you have that step out of the way Yeah, just see what happens. It does seem like you have incredible chemistry together, and that's hard to give up. I had this chemistry with my ex; haven't heard from him in 8 months now, and lately I've started to think about him more, for some reason. I can relate to what you're saying about being challenged, and almost hating the person at times, but also loving him, desiring him, "getting" each other's sense of humor, and all the other intense emotions. Once you experienced something like that, it's so boring to just date someone for the sake of dating. This French guy whom I've known for a while now has been making strong advances on me, and even though I like him on some level and even find him attractive, I just don't feel any chemistry, and he doesn't understand my attempts at playful banter, etc.--he interprets everything literally. It's hard to find a true connection, I'm telling you. Who knows, maybe this H guy is your soulmate after all? Let me know how things develop with your admirers

 
Old 05-24-2006, 09:23 AM   #13
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Veronica_Mars HB User
Re: my new plan

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
Wow, Stacy--what a coincident that H emailed just when you were wishing to get in contact with him! Amazing! So, at least you have that step out of the way Yeah, just see what happens. It does seem like you have incredible chemistry together, and that's hard to give up. I had this chemistry with my ex; haven't heard from him in 8 months now, and lately I've started to think about him more, for some reason. I can relate to what you're saying about being challenged, and almost hating the person at times, but also loving him, desiring him, "getting" each other's sense of humor, and all the other intense emotions. Once you experienced something like that, it's so boring to just date someone for the sake of dating. This French guy whom I've known for a while now has been making strong advances on me, and even though I like him on some level and even find him attractive, I just don't feel any chemistry, and he doesn't understand my attempts at playful banter, etc.--he interprets everything literally. It's hard to find a true connection, I'm telling you. Who knows, maybe this H guy is your soulmate after all? Let me know how things develop with your admirers
Hey Sophia, yeah the whole connection/chemistry thing is so addictive and maddening! It drives me nuts how this one guy was smart enough to figure out how to keep me interested all this time, and here I am again in the same position--it's definitely feeling like deja vu. But I so know what you mean about the boredom involved in dating someone who doesn't get you or do anything with you...as the satc girls would say, someone who is just good on paper. As for the French guy, it sounds like you're not that into him, but maybe you could still have some fun together? That one I would say just trust your instincts as far as whether there's any potential with him and whether you'd rather be spending time alone or with other guys. Just remember that you have a ton to offer any lucky man who gets a shot at you and that you have a right not to accept anything less than someone with whom you feel a real connection. Sometimes it takes time for that to grow, though, so I don't really know. Ah, men can make life so complicated, but also so fun...

Wormie you bring up an excellent point too, and part of me wonders why I still have it so bad for my ex. It certainly makes it easier to avoid moving forward and taking a risk with a new guy, but I also wonder if I'm just unwilling to let my ex go because I actually want to be with him. I guess only time will tell? I need to be patient and not get too ahead of myself here; after all, I'm only assuming that he's open to what I want because I want him to want me back! It could just be wishful thinking. Also, he might not want to be involved with me again considering everything we've been through, especially since originally I kind of left him for someone else . On the other hand, he doesn't HAVE to keep in touch with me, so I think I'll see what he wants and see if I'm okay with it. So far the timing hasn't been right for us but you never know...oh dear, well I guess this is okay, I'm glad to have different options, it all just makes me so nervous/excited/uncertain, you know?

 
Old 05-24-2006, 07:47 PM   #14
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Re: my new plan

Quote:
Originally Posted by Veronica_Mars
It certainly makes it easier to avoid moving forward and taking a risk with a new guy, but I also wonder if I'm just unwilling to let my ex go because I actually want to be with him.
Yeah, I think it really comes down to that; especially knowing you, I don't think there's any ulterior motive on your part other than simply being excited by this guy and wanting to be with him. I think you should see how things go, because you might have this strong connection with him for a reason. It doesn't happen very often, you know.

As for the French guy, eh, no, I don't think so. He's just so weird; hard to describe but if you could observe him in action, you would know what I mean.

 
Old 05-26-2006, 01:29 PM   #15
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Re: my new plan

Oh crap the party is tomorrow night, I am starting to panic big time. I don't know what came over me thinking it was a good idea to get in touch with like, everyone I used to know, all at the same time. Sophia, I think it was the pictures if you know what I mean! All those cute boys...now I just need to scrounge up some cute girls! I wonder how I can find some to invite to the party?

I heard from yet another old friend/ex today, he had been under the impression that I'd gotten MARRIED!!! I don't know who started that rumor but oh my god not the kind of reputation I'm looking for!! Tonight I'm going to have to have some vodka to get up my nerve to call like three different exes who I've known/dated for like a number of years, some have called me and some just know people's numbers that I'm trying to find. I haven't known what to do about Mr. Ex H. Therefore, I have done nothing, but I am going to break down and call him soon, just maybe tonight. I can't believe he is coming back here (he's from the northeast like me), exactly at the same time J is leaving for my other city! It should be VERY interesting to see what happens. Part of me expects H to be a jerk to me, because he kind of just is, but I have to admit that I like that. On the other hand he's always been a good friend to me even when I've been acting like an idiot. I guess if he's still talking to me after 10 years there must be a reason? I kind of really hope so, but I don't know.

Anyway the more imminent issue making me nervous now is J and this weekend, with everyone mingling, perhaps with different expectations. I'm not sure what will happen with that, but I will probably be kind of/sort of freaking out, partying A LOT to forget being so nervous, and therefore posting a lot. I hope some of you guys are around this weekend and that everyone has fun. Sophia and all, are you doing anything fun?

 
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