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Old 05-21-2006, 07:31 AM   #1
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Wife and I on brink of seperation, kids involved..advice needed

Hello -

My wife and I have been fighting on and off for a bit and this morning it came to ahead. Lot's of accusations flying around about how we are both unhappy and that she says I am not putting the effort into our marriage. Some background...

We really have not been seeing eye-to-eye since our first child was born 2 years ago. Our marriage was rushed when I found out my wife was pregnant with our first and since then we have added another child to our family. Our two girls have been the "glue" to our relationship and without them I'm pretty sure our relationship would have fallen apart ages ago. I am not sure who is to blame, I know that sometimes I can't stand to be around her, she is very moody and very demanding with lack of patience. She doesn't work so I am the bread winner and a lot of times I return home from work to have her unleash her frustrations on me. We don't agree on how our kids should be raised and add to that 2 years of sleepless nights just makes us both irritable. Our sex life is non-existent since we've had kids. I have to admit I've not had the drive that I once did, I am usually so burned out at the end of the day it's the last thing on my mind. Also she goes to bed really early, typically when the kids go to bed, and I like to stay up and work.

Anyway, I suggested last time we had a big fight like this that we go to a marriage councellor. I have a friend who did the same when his relationship was on the rocks and he said it saved his marriage. My wife told me to go by myself back then and I know now she would refuse to go still. Should I try to seek councilling by myself as a last resort? I think about my two little girls all day long and the thought of seeing them once a week and potentially seeing them grow up without me, or with a different father would kill me.

I really don't know what to do. Any advice appreciated. thanks.

 
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Old 05-21-2006, 08:02 AM   #2
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Re: Wife and I on brink of seperation, kids involved..advice needed

i feel you on this one! I'm in the middle of a divorce also with kids involved! My husband and I tried counseling also. He was having affairs with women on the internet, at work, you name it. I finally got tired of it and told him to leave! Now, it's me and my kids doing it all alone. It's very hard, but I'd rather struggle than be with someone who cannot (or will not) be faithful to me! There is not much you can do if your wife is unwilling to do her part. You want counseling, she don't. You can't do it all by yourself. I understand her frustration being a stay at home mother. Maybe her own job (at least part time) would make a major difference. She's probably feeling like a frumpy housewife with kids and chores and no time for herself! By the time you get home, she has nothing left to give! But she has to meet you in the middle and the two of you have to work on this together. You are supposed to be a team supporting each other and helping each other through hardships. I don't know what the answer is, but maybe you could get her to agree to counseling just for a few times. If she ever does go, she'll probably feel better just being able to get her frustrations out in a healthy way instead of you two fighting in front of the kids. Please talk to her and try to get her to agree to go. It just may be what ends up saving your marriage.

 
Old 05-21-2006, 08:19 AM   #3
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Re: Wife and I on brink of seperation, kids involved..advice needed

Thanks for your response. I will say that I have never been unfaithful nor would I consider having an affair. That's just not the way I am. I can understand her frustrations but it seems like it's always "my fault" and that's why she won't go to a councellor, she refuses to admit her own faults. Her friends tell her she is lucky to have someone like me, I spend all my time with the kids. I am good to her, I have never cheated, I buy gifts for her all the time. But I can't help but feel she resents me for taking away her single life by getting her pregnant the first time around. Ever since then it has been a slippery down hill slop and we've just grown apart. Anyway, I'm rambling, but my point is I want to put some effort into making it work but I don't know where to start or how to get her buy in.

 
Old 05-21-2006, 08:21 AM   #4
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brook65 HB User
Re: Wife and I on brink of seperation, kids involved..advice needed

Hi I have been in your situation, about 10 years ago, although never married to my sons dad. Our relationship was similar to yours, and I can understand both sides of the storey.

Although having kids is wonderful, it can put an almightly strain on the most solid of relationships, stress, frustration, lack of sleep, resentment etc, can build up and we take it out on the closest to us, and then cause damage.

It is interesting that your wife says you do not wish to work at the marraige, when it is you suggesting councilling, and her not wishing to participate! your friends relationship survied through going, so that is a positive thing, and if she wanted to work at it, then she should be willing to go with you!

Having said that, me and my ex he went off with somebody else in the end, but looking back the woman he went off with did us a favour! We were only really together for the sake of our son, and I think when auguing is a common thing around kids, I personally think working it out, if you can, but if you can't, splitting for the sake of the kids, is better for their future mental wellbeing!

Bear in mind, if you were to split, you may find you get on better as parents, you can still go out as a family, but the pressure if off, and if in the future your wife did get remarried, remember you are the only person in this world that is their father.

I have another partner now, my son gets on well with, but I am not one to say, this is your daddy now, he knows who his dad is, and that will never change.

I understand your wife, doesn't work, maybe she resents that, and when you come home, although you are tired, do you sometimes offer to take over, so that she can have some time for her, so that she go out and do something on her own?

I know when I was with my ex, I was a stay at home mum, but it is not a nine to five job, it is a 24 hour job, he used to think that cause I didn't go to work, that was my responsibility to take care of our son 24/7.

Maybe your wife is exhausted, has some lingering post natal depression, frustrated, whatever, I also know having different parental views can cause a strain, where both of you resent each other for not backing each other up!

I really feel for you both, and can see both sides, she needs to open up to you rather than get angry with you, and also she needs to show willingness to go to councilling with you.

But remember, if you can't salvage this, take it from me, things can get easier between you, and life can get better, and the kids may well appreciate it in the long run.

let us know how things go

 
Old 05-21-2006, 09:15 AM   #5
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Re: Wife and I on brink of seperation, kids involved..advice needed

One of my wife's biggest complaints is that she is always accusing me of not even wanting to be in the same room as her and that in turn generates the "if you dont want to be with me then leave!" response when we fight. Truth of the matter is, when I get home I quickly change then take the kids to give her some time of her own, I take them to the park or play outside then I come in and it is me that bathes them every night. After that my oldest daughter won't go to sleep by herself so I have to stay downstairs with her and my wife puts the youngest to bed then goes to bed herself. My oldest stays up until about 10pm and by that time my wife is asleep. This routine has been going on for months and she doesn't seem to see that it's not about me choosing not to be with her but rather the routine that we've got ourselves into. To add to that most nights we dont even sleep in the same bed because our youngest (15mos) wakes up like 5 times a night. I know our fighting has stemmed from the sleep problems and I know this is one of the root causes of our relationship problems but my wife doesn't even see it. Maybe you are right, maybe she is suffering from some form of long-term post natal depression, I do know that she does take Xanex and she suffered depression after the first pregnancy. But I can't sit here and say yup that's what the problem is, it's a culmination of things that have built upto this. I'll be honest though, I've really been lacking the energy to even talk to her some nights, we kinda grunt at each other as we pass in the kitchen, the conversation is defenetely lacking!!

Last edited by kelticman; 05-21-2006 at 09:16 AM.

 
Old 05-21-2006, 09:35 AM   #6
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WhiteLily HB User
Re: Wife and I on brink of seperation, kids involved..advice needed

Kelticman,

I just have to say that your wife's pregnancy was her decision as much as it was yours. I just don't understand it when any woman says you "got me pregnant"!!!!!! So she is in no place to blame you for taking away her single life, it's her choice too.

Also, you sound really helpful. She has no job and you are working, buying her gifts and helping to raise the kids. She should be thankful.

Having said that, if you really want to be with her, I think that communication is the key. Just speak to her and explain to her all what you are explaining to us, calmly. Try to show her more attention, not only by buying her gifts but also by spending quailty time with her whenever you can.

Good luck

 
Old 05-21-2006, 09:58 AM   #7
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brook65 HB User
Re: Wife and I on brink of seperation, kids involved..advice needed

Yeah you sound like a decent kind helpful husband.

The fact that you help her, bath the children, help with putting them to bed etc.

So do you think it may be possible, that she is feelings a bit jealous of the attention you pay your children when you come home. Perhaps she feels that all the attention is on the kids, and feels somewhat neglected. It does sound that the root problem here is that the kids take priority and that your relationship to each other has taken a back burner.

You are doing your bit it seems by helping out, but maybe she wants some attention herself!

Can you arrange a babysitter one day a week, where you can both just sit which each other and talk properly rather than just a passing resentful grunt in the kitchen.

Maybe as a woman she needs to feel wanted too, as well as your kids.

Last edited by brook65; 05-21-2006 at 09:59 AM.

 
Old 05-22-2006, 01:15 AM   #8
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Re: Wife and I on brink of seperation, kids involved..advice needed

Hi Kelticman

From your post it sounds as if you are both pretty worn down by the marital problems and that the demands of the family and your job leave you with low energy levels.

It sounds very possible that your wife has PND, however, if you suggest that to her, my guess is that she might see your suggestion as 'blame' or perhaps some attempt to put all responsibility for the problems of the relationship on to her. Based on what you have written, it sounds as if she already misinterprets your behaviour at times and holds some resentment over what she 'thinks' your intentions are.

I would encourage you to go to the relationship counselling on your own if she refuses to accompany you. You will get some support and it may be that such support will feed into the relationship by way of some positive changes on your part - just having another positive perspective on the marriage may help to raise optimism and lift your energy levels. If that happens then your wife may have a change of heart and join you in the counselling - curiosity alone can be a powerful draw.

If you are in the UK I would recommend 'relate' who are very experienced in helping with family problems like yours.

Good luck!

 
Old 05-22-2006, 03:36 AM   #9
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Re: Wife and I on brink of seperation, kids involved..advice needed

I feel like you are doing all you can for your marriage. The more I read of your posts, the more convinced I am that she does resent the fact that she got pregnant. But oh well! You both have been blessed beyond belief! So many people want kids and can't have them. She needs to realize just how good she has it to have a husband like you. My husband never did anything but plop down in his chair when he got home with the remote control. And I have always worked a part time job at night. Of course, he did take care of them while I was at work at night, but he didn't give them baths or anything. I came home and still did it all! Including cooking! I really hope you two can work this out. I hate to see families torn apart especially when kids are involved. Please urge her to go to counseling. Of course she will blame it all on you. But it takes "TWO" to make a baby! She's just as responsible. And blaming you for taking away her freedom isn't going to solve anything! Now, it's about the kids. She needs to realize that. I know it's hard and demanding and frustrating sometimes. But kids are also loving and the good points defenitely outweigh the bad. As soon as she sees what a great family she has, she'll be thankful for it and appreciate it more.

 
Old 05-22-2006, 04:19 AM   #10
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Re: Wife and I on brink of seperation, kids involved..advice needed

Sounds like this could be a very common problem among parents. Me alot of the same with my husband. He has a chronic back problem which adds more stress to our lives. I think it is very important to realise that the problems that exist are not to do with the individuals, but with the situation. If you can both come to this realisation together, then maybe this might open up the door to counselling together. Children are so much work, but they bring so much joy to a house. Try doing more things together out of the house as a family. Try getting the older child into bed earlier and maybe some super nanny techniques with the 15 month old.

 
Old 05-23-2006, 07:27 PM   #11
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Re: Wife and I on brink of seperation, kids involved..advice needed

Hey kelticman,
I wouldn't want to come home to someone like that either...that's how they push away husbands and ask 'why me' later. From your posts, you're bride sounds like she might need a little maturing. Everything is about her wants, not the needs of a family.
Maybe, one more time, without the children around, you could talk to her. If she starts yelling don't match her but let her know that you love her and the girls and you don't want your daughters growing up with divorce parents. If she doesn't want to hear it let her know she's being selfish if she can't even try councelling for the girls. Maybe you can call her doctor and have her checked for depression on her next visit. Bottom line is your two daughters. Does her anger go their way when you're not home? It really angers me when a woman has a good man and she's too blind and treats him like poop. Don't feel guilt about her getting preg the first time, she took part in it. She knew the consequences as much as you did. Best of life...

 
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