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Old 05-28-2006, 03:15 AM   #1
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shmal HB User
Angry My GREAT HUBBY & BEST FRIEND-The Cat is Finally Out of the Bag...Now What???

Hi everyone,well all these months/years(2.5) of not knowing what my DH was really up to has finally been exposed!That lying ba#^*rd has been putting me thru the most excruciating mental anguish formonths and my dear best friend who has been "helping/listening" to me cry about why can't he decide what to do knew why all along...It was her.......So last friday I find out that they have been talking behind my back.I thought it was alittle strange that they had these conversations but my dear best friend assured me that she was trying to help him get our marriage back on track.(yes the friend is married too.We are all really good friends,we vacation together our children are like siblings you get the idea.)Well I start looking at the cell phone billson line and see that they have been talking alright, anywhere fron 6 to 30 times per day EVERYDAY for at least the past 6 months(the bills only go back that far)( and my dh told me the next set of bills that are coming for the 6 months prior will look like these do).So of course I'm like what is this?????Oh we're good friends we just didn't want you to get mad if you knew that we were talking blah blah blah.Well I don't buy the friends line & I start pressing my lovely husband and boy does he start getting mad.I asked him if I could see his cell phone,which I have checked thru before b/c I thought that something was up, I just had no idea what was really in store for me.Everytime I looked at it there was nothing out of the ordinary really just my name and our daughter's.Anyway there were a few numbers on the bills that I didn't know and wanted to clear up.So he starts saying give me the # and i'll tell you who it is.Fine.Well during the week I kept on him about my "Best Friend"Finally on thursday he starts to break he starts saying that he has feelings for her,she knows it,this is why for the past 2 years he wasn't sure if he wanted to be w/me or not...I have said stuff in the past about him looking at her in a certain way and they both assured me I was being silly,Oh he's never been inappropriate she says.Well it's all out now what started out as friendly chit-chat has turned into a total emotional lover relationship.Her husband is basically self absorbed and so long as he has a house cleaner/bed partner he's happy.My husband & I have been having problems so they have been emotionally sponging off each other,while I'm begging him for answers.Oh he loves her she loves him they have talked about leaving both me & her hubby to go off together.Oh but she's good see her husband knew that the 2 of them talked.Well believe me when I started to show him these bills 266 calls in April,4 am ,10pm 51 calls in less then 48 hours.He didn't look to happy.So now here I am she has totally blew my husband off b/c he can't offer her the $security she needs,she told him the reason she stays w/her dh is because $,which she has told me too,but these2 have been so emotionally involved that my dh doesn't know if he can go a day w/o speaking to her and has no regard for us,his family me & 2 kids.He said that in the begining he told her "I have to tell her(me)"but she convinced him I wouldn't understand and that they would not be able to talk and it just went on & on...She is like a drug for him and he's willing to throw away everything just to be able to talk to her knowing he'll never have her.It's even more complicated but I've taken up so much time sorry.I'm just in disbelive!

So what do I do now?Obviously he can't be trusted,he has poker faced lied to me for all this time.He now feels so sorry.Sorry for being caught, I'm sure.She wants nothing to do w/him she's trying to save her own a*^ so won't even give him the time of day.The poor thing.I'm so disgusted with the both of them they could drop off the face of the earth and that would be fine by me!I love him but hate him at the same time and things will never be the same.I don't see how I will ever get over this.He told me that he has told her he loves her.I'm like how could you, for the past 2.5 years lay in our bed next to me night after night,make love to me and tell another woman you love her!!!!This is crazy.(supposedly there's been no physicalness b/t them I some how doubt that.)

I said to him last night,he's sleeping in a different room,what do I tell the kids when they ask to go to thier house?What do I say when they ask why haven't I talked to her.My DD calls her from time to time just to say hi..What now?

My emotions are so ALL OVER THE PLACE I feel like I'm going mad.I have lost 20 lbs,which is good thing , in the past 10 days since this all began I'm sleeping about 1 to 2 hours per night.Anytime I do eat I'm vomiting he is killing me..Please help

Last edited by shmal; 05-28-2006 at 03:21 AM.

 
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Old 05-28-2006, 04:33 AM   #2
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RiAnne HB User
Re: My GREAT HUBBY & BEST FRIEND-The Cat is Finally Out of the Bag...Now What???

you already know what you have to do. you have to leave him. you don't have to give your kids the exact details of what went on, just that you and your friend don't get along anymore. not being able to sleep or eat properly is awful for your health.

 
Old 05-28-2006, 04:42 AM   #3
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Nina000 HB User
Re: My GREAT HUBBY & BEST FRIEND-The Cat is Finally Out of the Bag...Now What???

Wow, that is really harsh and extremely unfair of both of them to try and fool you for so long, but honey they are both a lost case. He is not worth the fight for him. If only we women can see how our lives would be far far happier and rewarding without all these negative influences, then we would never look back but I know how hard it could be. The only thing that I can tell you is remember to put your pride and happiness, and the happiness of your kids first whatever you decide to do. We are all here for you. Look after yourself, ok?

Last edited by Nina000; 05-28-2006 at 07:00 AM.

 
Old 05-28-2006, 06:52 AM   #4
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eve40 HB User
Re: My GREAT HUBBY & BEST FRIEND-The Cat is Finally Out of the Bag...Now What???

Leave him as soon as you can. She should be dead to you, if she isn't already.

 
Old 05-28-2006, 07:16 AM   #5
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mystic_star HB User
Re: My GREAT HUBBY & BEST FRIEND-The Cat is Finally Out of the Bag...Now What???

oh gosh! I am sooooo sorry you are dealing with this! The nerve of those two! But you know what? You'll be ok! They deserve each other and you deserve better. I know it's hard to see it now, but as time goes on you will! So called "best friends" can be the first ones to stab you in the back! That's why I'm such a firm believer that guys should not have female friends. I know lots of people will disagree with that, but it's just too risky. Hormones get in the way and then you have problems. Your friend was probably just talking to your husband at first on a totally platonic level. But then, feelings started to take place and now look! I'm sorry, but I don't want my man talking to other women about our problems. Your husband should have been talking to you, not her! Does her husband know what is going on? If he don't, I would sure let him know! Why should she "hide out" now that she's been caught? Both of them deserve whatever is coming to them!

 
Old 05-28-2006, 07:17 AM   #6
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srak34 HB User
Re: My GREAT HUBBY & BEST FRIEND-The Cat is Finally Out of the Bag...Now What???

I am just so sorry you are going thru this all.
What a friend! what a hubby!
best of luck to you!

 
Old 05-28-2006, 07:29 AM   #7
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keepsgoin HB User
Re: My GREAT HUBBY & BEST FRIEND-The Cat is Finally Out of the Bag...Now What???

I figured from past posts that he was having an affair...it had all the tell tale signs of it. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, waddles like a duck...it's a duck! I'm really glad that the cat is finally out of the bag and now you know what's REALLY up...as hard as it is to accept, at least you know now!
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I tells it likes a sees it

 
Old 05-28-2006, 08:16 AM   #8
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shmal HB User
Re: My GREAT HUBBY & BEST FRIEND-The Cat is Finally Out of the Bag...Now What???

Quote:
Originally Posted by mystic_star
oh gosh! I am sooooo sorry you are dealing with this! The nerve of those two! But you know what? You'll be ok! They deserve each other and you deserve better. I know it's hard to see it now, but as time goes on you will! So called "best friends" can be the first ones to stab you in the back! That's why I'm such a firm believer that guys should not have female friends. I know lots of people will disagree with that, but it's just too risky. Hormones get in the way and then you have problems. Your friend was probably just talking to your husband at first on a totally platonic level. But then, feelings started to take place and now look! I'm sorry, but I don't want my man talking to other women about our problems. Your husband should have been talking to you, not her! Does her husband know what is going on? If he don't, I would sure let him know! Why should she "hide out" now that she's been caught? Both of them deserve whatever is coming to them!
kEEP IN MIND THAT I DID NOT KNOW THEY WERE TALKING IT WAS ALL BEHIND MY BACK.WHEN THE CRAP STARTED TO HIT THE FAN SHE TELLS MY DH THAT HERS KNOWS THAT THEY WERE TALKING.SHE WENT AS FAR TO TELL ME THAT IF IT MADE ME FEEL BETTER I COULD TALK TO HIM SO I DID.WELL HE WAS LIKE YEA I KNOW THAT THEY TALK SOMETIMES.I WAS LIKE NEWS FLASH THEY TALK EVERY CHANCE THEY GET.I BROUGHT THE 6 MONTHS OF BILLS W/ME THERE WERE SO MANY PAGES HE THOUGHT THAT IT WAS THE 2.5YRS OF THEM

 
Old 05-28-2006, 08:21 AM   #9
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mystic_star HB User
Re: My GREAT HUBBY & BEST FRIEND-The Cat is Finally Out of the Bag...Now What???

yeah, if it was behind your back, then that's a BIG red flag that something is going on!! How long had this woman been your best friend?

 
Old 05-28-2006, 08:24 AM   #10
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307cc HB User
Re: My GREAT HUBBY & BEST FRIEND-The Cat is Finally Out of the Bag...Now What???

You can bet ur bottom dollar that when u leave him which u MUST he will totally disregard her. the hubby will know and their relaltionship will be all but finished, and when ur hubby isnt getting off on the secrecy of all of this and it looks like the time has come for him to be making a decision about her, watch him run!! she will be left with nothing, u will be left with ur dignity.


 
Old 05-28-2006, 09:43 AM   #11
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shai`anne HB User
Re: My GREAT HUBBY & BEST FRIEND-The Cat is Finally Out of the Bag...Now What???

I would kick him out and never speak to her again in life. She was supposed to be your BESTfriend? I would still let your children go and associate with her kids because we can't let the kids suffer even more than they already are. The kids friendship might fizzle on it's own once they realize what your husband and her were doing. Good Luck.

 
Old 05-28-2006, 10:27 AM   #12
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Re: My GREAT HUBBY & BEST FRIEND-The Cat is Finally Out of the Bag...Now What???

Why are you still even pondering this? I think it's fairly clear you need to leave your husband and figure out what will happen with the kids. I have been following your posts and you have been giving him way too much power for way too long, waiting for " him" to decide what he wants, if he wants you, blah blah blah, and it's not only up to him, you have a say in what happens here. I know it's tough with kids, but why would you want to continue living this way, how long willl you continue to live this way. If you stay, things will not get better, in fact probably worse since he knows you will continue putting up with him. He has no respect for you or your feelings.

 
Old 05-28-2006, 05:52 PM   #13
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shmal HB User
Re: My GREAT HUBBY & BEST FRIEND-The Cat is Finally Out of the Bag...Now What???

I know in my heart of hearts what it is I must do,but the thought of seperating my family kills me.Our children are so attached to both of us and back in March when we told them he was leaving(and didn't) was so devastating and to know the pain that they will endure sends me out of my mind. I have a friend that was in a physically abusive relationship and I was always telling her to leave and here I am in a mentally/emotionally abusive relationship.And I am so torn.Part of me thinks that now that it's all out it could be over but then whats to say it won't happen again?He obviously has no problem lying and hidding things from me.So how could I trust him??While we've been together 12 yrs,8 of them are as husband & wife and I'm like damn a quarter of our married years have been a big fat lie.Maybe we could continue to cohabitate,as I'm supposed to start nursing school in Sept and it would be easier but then if I do that I might say well things are going ok....I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is normal,like I said before one min I HATE him ,the next I love him, then I feel blatently sickend by him,then pure hurt and pain.I don't know how much more I can Take.We really cannot afford to maintain 2 households..I wish that this never happened.

And of course now he's saying,"I don't derve you",I'm so sorry,how could you ever forgive me......

I started therapy a few weeks ago and of course when I need it most she's on vacation......

 
Old 05-28-2006, 08:00 PM   #14
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desertdweller HB User
Re: My GREAT HUBBY & BEST FRIEND-The Cat is Finally Out of the Bag...Now What???

Please don't focus so much on the financial mess this leads to. You really need to get out. I know by experience, cohabitating doesn't work!!!!You actually can get better financing and maybe a grant if you are a single mom while going to school.
As far as how the kids take this. It is painful at first, but don't ever think that your husband's lies and emotional shutdown hasn't been effecting them too. Children are absorbing his behavior more than you know. I strongly recommend that your children get counseling also. I divorced my children's father when they were young, but it still helped them a lot to get to talk to a childrens councellor .
It's been said many times here on this board, but you deserve someone to love you wholly, not out of guilt, not out of convience, but totally. Your husband is no longer capable of this. He's been riding the fence quite awhile, now it's time for you to push him off and get on with your life.

You have lessons to learn, horizons to expand, a new career to start, and maybe eventually new a love to embrace. Best wishes!

 
Old 05-29-2006, 02:27 AM   #15
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shmal HB User
Re: My GREAT HUBBY & BEST FRIEND-The Cat is Finally Out of the Bag...Now What???

Quote:
Originally Posted by mystic_star
yeah, if it was behind your back, then that's a BIG red flag that something is going on!! How long had this woman been your best friend?

For several years(6/7).The funny part of this is her husband and I were actually friends before we even knew either of our spouses.Maybe we should have hooked up,lol...then the other 2 could of had each other..

And you know what else is eating at me.My DH wold actually calll her while he knew that she & I were out together.Talk about nerve.How could these 2 think that I would never find out.

 
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