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Old 06-07-2006, 04:18 AM   #1
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horsybreeze HB User
What does one do!!!!!!

Well, might be a bit long... but I've know idea how to express this other than write it out I guess, so I thought I'd post it on here and see if anyone else has been through this and gotten out the other end OK!

I'm 32, my boyfriend is 28. We've been together a year and a half and it's been the best year and a half of my life. I can honestly say we both feel we've met the right one, we tell each other we love eath other all the time and really do mean it, and we're on the same wavelength most of the time and get along so great. A month ago, we both rented a place together and it's his first time of moving out of his parents, so I expected it wasn't gonna be the easiest thing for him, and I have to say I've been pretty patient!! I've lived out since 21, so I'm what you would call a happy, go lucky, very independent girly! . The only thing I would say that didn't make him a 100% perfect man was the fact that he smoked weed. I am completely anti drugs, but I put up with it, cos it could be worse, right! So I've always known that, and he has been completely honest with me all along. I knew before I met him that he would occasionally do c0ke as well, but he has looked me in the eyes and sworn blind that he's never done it while with me. Well, to cut a long story short, we went on holiday, we both got drunk and he admitted he had done it since he's been with me. Well, I could hear my heart break. Not cos of that, but because of the lying. I scared him so much in the bar that I was gonna leave him, and told him I can't trust him anymore, which he said he didn't blame me at all. Well, we kinda sorted it and all was OK.

Friday night we went out with some of the guys that we had met on holiday!! Got in really late, sat for a while together in the bedroom, then he went to get a beer. I was so tired I just fell asleep straight away! Anyways, I get up the next morning, have a shower, get ready for dance rehearsals, go in the lounge and find a j0int butt in the ashtray, there's me thinking what the hell did he need that for when he'd already drunk so much. Then I saw it on the floor. White powder and little rocks. How I didn't throw up on the spot I don't know. I didn't wake him up straight away, I was in shock. Then he gets up and I'm crying. He asks what's the matter and I march him into the lounge and say what the ****is that, pointing to the floor. Well, he just didn't know what to say. I lost it. I get ready to go out and leave him. He wouldn't let me out, started crying, I hit him alot, I called him every name, saying he was a loser, and I didn't wanna spend the rest of my life with a drug addict. He kept saying it was a one off and he'd made a terrible mistake. He kept saying he loved me so much, how sorry he was, but it just wasn't cutting it. I asked him where he'd got it from and he wouldn't say, then he said an old school friend who he didn't really know have it to him in the toilet in the pub. And he's such a loser, he didn't take it, he took it a home instead, where thank god, he was so careless cos he was drunk, he dropped some on the floor. I stormed out, he begged me not to go, I've never seen him cry so much.

I was too hungover to drive anywhere, so I went and sat in my car. He didn't know that. He kept phoning asking me to come home, asking where i was, I just told him he obviously didn't give a s*** and hung up. He called my friends husband in tears asking if he'd seen me, he gave him the biggest bo****ing of his life. I sat in the car for about 20 mins then went back. He was sobbing his heart out. He said he couldn't even talk to his mum cos she'd go mad. I told him he was to tell her or I would. He walked out saying he was going for a walk and said he was so, so sorry.

I didn't see him all day, and I ignored all his calls. I'm glad I had dance rehearals, it made me forget it for 3 hours. I wanted him to wallow in his own misery all day and think about what he'd actually done. He called his friend in tears as well, as a got a txt msg from his wife asking if I was OK. She said my boyf was at his mums. His mum did go mad. I eventually went round to get him in the evening. Now he's eating a lot of humble pie. I said if there's a next time I go, for good. I said is it worth losing everything for 20mins of fun.

I hope he learnt his lesson.

Why the hell do I love him so much. Unfortunately I do. I can't even begin to imagine my life without him. I so hope he doesn't do this to me again, as I will have to stick to my guns and go, even though I won't want to.

Sorry for the long post, needed to vent something out as I'm hurting real bad right now!

 
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Old 06-07-2006, 04:32 AM   #2
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laurie864bla HB User
Re: What does one do!!!!!!

As long as you stick to your convictions, I think you'll do fine. Neither of those drugs are physically addictive, so sounds like he just isn't done with his party phase, or is psychologically addicted.

This will be HIS choice, and then it will be your decision to make if he is going to still use. If this is a deal breaker for you, then don't make excuses if it becomes a pattern. (and one more time would constitute a pattern for me) I would be WAY more concerned about the lying, myself. Watch that a lot more closely, and see what happens.

 
Old 06-07-2006, 09:04 AM   #3
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horsybreeze HB User
Re: What does one do!!!!!!

i'm sticking to them, but it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do I think!! Men, why are they so stupid, they can't see what they've got half the time!

It just hurts that if it came to it and he had to choose between me or the weed, I'm not entirely sure what would win in the end

 
Old 06-07-2006, 10:40 AM   #4
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Re: What does one do!!!!!!

First of all, you should remember that many of the smartest, most successful, most talented, and nicest people out there like to smoke weed. I happen to be a huge nerd, and almost all my friends are geniuses in positions of lots of power...this does not prevent them from liking marijuana. Coke is a bit sketchier, but keep in mind that many very successful people use this drug sometimes or have in the past as well. For instance, the loser drunk-driving nepotism beneficiary who stole the last two presidential elections used to do a TON of coke, both in college and for the next few decades. So drugs aren't that big a deal to a lot of people, and most people who look down on drugs are hypocrites anyway because they use alcohol and/or tobacco. But if you feel like you cannot stand to be with any man who ever uses pot or coke, then you may want to reevaluate the relationship. Personally, I hold men to very high standards, and I would have no trouble dating someone who did the things your BF does/did. In fact, I am slightly turned off and disappointed when I meet a handsome, charming, funny, intelligent, and successful man who doesn't smoke weed; it makes me think he might be uptight, judgmental, and not that much fun. My advice: if he is otherwise a good man with a good life who treats you with kindness and respect, let this go and don't stress out about it anymore. I used to be uptight about drugs and give my boys a hard time for doing them, but it only made me unhappy/stressed and them feel resentful/oppressed like I was their mom rather than their lover. You need to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you and if it is, leave. If it's not, then you will only harm yourself and your relationship by letting it upset and worry you.

 
Old 06-07-2006, 11:15 AM   #5
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Re: What does one do!!!!!!

While everyone is entitled to their opinion ... and I'm sure there are successful, powerful people who smoke weed & do coke ... IMHO, there are a lot more successful, powerful people who don't. Pot smoking, coke snorting individuals are the minority of people, and a very small minority of successful, powerful people.

I guess the pot smoking isn't a HUGE deal, provided he's not always stoned. But if he starts up with the coke again, I'd follow through and leave him. Otherwise, you're telling him that despite the threats, you'll stay and it's ok. He might be willing to risk it if the result is a fight, but probably not if he KNOWS that you'll really leave him.

Good Luck.

 
Old 06-07-2006, 11:41 AM   #6
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Re: What does one do!!!!!!

I would have a problem with someone brining illegal substances into my home. I do not sugest that EVERYONE be drug free .. everyone makes their own choices .. and that one I made for myself .. not in my house .. I have a child ... things like coke on the floor could kill her and its not something I am interested in taking the chance on.

You are young and have no children so ... I understand it could be different for you .. but personally .. I would agree ... if someone is going to live with me .. make a life with me .. then his recreation would have to remain in the legal limits ..

Thats just me.
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Old 06-07-2006, 11:46 AM   #7
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Veronica_Mars HB User
Re: What does one do!!!!!!

I agree with you Amy, I didn't mean to say that pot and coke use were desirable traits in a partner, at least not for most people. Cokeheads, including Bush II, are pretty sketchy and useless for the most part, and there are losers who use pot too. There are also lots of losers, liars, bums, cheaters, etc. who don't use any drugs, because it all depends on the person. It's just that it's not the drugs that determine whether someone is a loser, it is how they conduct themselves in every facet of life.

I just think that the poster needs to decide whether you want to stay with this man, as he is in totality, and then proceed accordingly. If he's a good man who treats her well and is in control of his life, then stop stressing about the drugs (at least not the pot, pot is so benign in the scheme of life and everything that people do to each other) and stay with him. If pot and occasional coke is unacceptable, then leave and move on. It's really all about each individual and where you set your standards/comfort level; I don't believe anyone should settle for someone that doesn't live up to what they want and deserve. Then again, if a guy looked down on me for smoking pot, I would dump him so fast his head would spin. If he doesn't want to smoke, fine, but he has no right to judge me for it, at least that's my personal view. But again, it all depends on the individuals involved. So anyway, good luck and let us know how it goes ok?

 
Old 06-08-2006, 12:05 PM   #8
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Drowning HB User
Re: What does one do!!!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Veronica_Mars
First of all, you should remember that many of the smartest, most successful, most talented, and nicest people out there like to smoke weed. I happen to be a huge nerd, and almost all my friends are geniuses in positions of lots of power...this does not prevent them from liking marijuana. Coke is a bit sketchier, but keep in mind that many very successful people use this drug sometimes or have in the past as well. For instance, the loser drunk-driving nepotism beneficiary who stole the last two presidential elections used to do a TON of coke, both in college and for the next few decades. So drugs aren't that big a deal to a lot of people, and most people who look down on drugs are hypocrites anyway because they use alcohol and/or tobacco. But if you feel like you cannot stand to be with any man who ever uses pot or coke, then you may want to reevaluate the relationship. Personally, I hold men to very high standards, and I would have no trouble dating someone who did the things your BF does/did. In fact, I am slightly turned off and disappointed when I meet a handsome, charming, funny, intelligent, and successful man who doesn't smoke weed; it makes me think he might be uptight, judgmental, and not that much fun. My advice: if he is otherwise a good man with a good life who treats you with kindness and respect, let this go and don't stress out about it anymore. I used to be uptight about drugs and give my boys a hard time for doing them, but it only made me unhappy/stressed and them feel resentful/oppressed like I was their mom rather than their lover. You need to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you and if it is, leave. If it's not, then you will only harm yourself and your relationship by letting it upset and worry you.
I'd have to say that I am on your level about this situation. Unfortunately, I think a lot of people are in denial about how prevelant certain "party favors" are in society these days

 
Old 06-09-2006, 05:28 AM   #9
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horsybreeze HB User
Re: What does one do!!!!!!

Thanks for your replies guys. It's not really the drug taking, well, it is, as thinking of him doing that to himself just makes me wanna throw up. It's more the lies and sneakiness. We've always been honest with each other and have a fantastic relationship. I feel so let down, that I just can't get over it. I guess it would take longer than a week, but I just feel at rock bottom right now.

I so want us to be close again as we used to be, and I know it's completely my fault that we're not, as he's trying to so hard, but I just feel if I start to be loving and normal again with him, he's just gonna think he's got of scot free. I'm so confused at the moment.

I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I really do. In every other way, he is such a wonderful guy, the type hard to find, that's what makes it so darn hard!!!

He went out drinking with his mate who I know is probably his biggest cokehead friend, and I'm sure he didn't do anything (especially as it was a week night), but I just really can't help not trusting him, which gives me the hump for getting the hump about it! Grrrr.......

 
Old 06-09-2006, 06:59 AM   #10
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Willapp HB User
Re: What does one do!!!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by horsybreeze
I so want us to be close again as we used to be, and I know it's completely my fault that we're not.......
How is it your fault? You aren't the one doing coke behind your partners back and then telling lies about it. Don't be so hard on yourself - you're entitled time to get over it. Of course, if you can't get over it and regain the trust in your relationship, it could prove a bigger problem than you think.

 
Old 06-09-2006, 01:07 PM   #11
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desertdweller HB User
Re: What does one do!!!!!!

Personally, I think the biggest problem here is that he lied about his use. Either he thinks it's okay, or it's not. If he truely believes that his pot and coke use is in control and normal, then he needs to be up front and tell you that. I think that there are several warning signs here. One sign is that he still was living at home in his late 20's, this is typical for an addict. Two, the fact that he lies about his use. Warning three is that he was already over the edge with alcohol, but then felt the need to go even further with drugs. I think you have a more serious issue here than you realize, and you have more problems ahead.
I had a friend that married an occasional pot user. Since she was not okay about this, he promised that he would quit, being that it wasn't that important as their relationship was to him. Within 2 years they were divorced, you guessed it; the pot was a lot harder to give up than he thought. She could not live with the lies.
I don't envy you. Lesson learned of not, he will be turning back to the pot. I hope you can either live with his drug use, or live with lies.

 
Old 06-09-2006, 01:17 PM   #12
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Re: What does one do!!!!!!

I agree with you dewdrop; I can definitely see why the lying is probably the most disturbing part of all this. I can accept a lot more from a man if I feel sure he is being completely honest and upfront with me, but once he starts lying about some things, it gets a lot tougher to trust him completely about everything. Anyway, to the original poster, I am sorry that you are going through all this. Do you think you definitely want to make this work with your guy, despite his issues? If so, remember that he may not be a dishonest liar by nature but instead lied because he was scared you would be angry and perhaps leave if you found out the truth. Not that it's okay to lie in such situations, but sometimes lies seem necessary and so even mostly honest people tell them on occasion. When I used to be a hardcore anti-pot crusader (wow, I can't believe I used to feel that way! but anyway), my otherwise trustworthy exes would lie to me about it just to avoid a big fight and getting into big trouble with me. I honestly don't know enough about your boyfriend to say anything for sure, but I hope everything works out really well for you no matter what. If you can accept and love him for all his flaws, then I think you guys have a real shot at lasting happiness, and I hope for both of your sakes that he is able to conduct his live in a mature, upstanding manner, whether or not he ever completely gives up alcohol and recreational drugs. Some people never do, and not all of those people are losers, though it's certainly not uncommon for drugs to cause major problems in users' lives. Please let us know how things go and if we can provide other advice...good luck!

 
Old 06-13-2006, 01:59 AM   #13
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horsybreeze HB User
Re: What does one do!!!!!!

Thank you all for your replies. Well, it's been a week, and still living in the same house!!! Had a big fight Weds which, I have to say was my fault, kind of. I went out Tues night with my friend and happened to bump into an ex (only saw my ex for a couple of months and it really was wasn't serious!). Anyways, I'd had a bit to drink and decided to tell my boyf that I had bumped into my ex. I know I should have just kept quiet, but deep down, I guess I just wanted him to worry about me for a change. It kinda backfired!!! He's hyper paranoid about my ex's for some bizarre reason! I told him he was only paranoid cos of the weed, blah, blah. Anyways, both went to bed, him with the hump! He woke up --- with the hump, went to work and came home with the hump!! Told me I shouldn't have told him as it had bothered him all day. I said I was only being honest and if he'd bumped into an ex, I would wanna know. I said what's the point in a relationship if we both keep things from each other, I said I couldn't believe after everything at the weekend, he was coming home and giving all this cr&p. I left for dance rehearsals upset again. He went to his mum's for dinner (his mum knows everything), she obviously talked to him again and told him if he didn't buck his ideas up, he would lose me. So I had a very sorry boyfriend when I got in that night. Then on Thurs I was hoovering and found another small rock of coke on the floor, in a different place from last time.

I didn't even get upset this time. He came in, I asked him what the hell, and he did just look at me in disbelief and said he swore on his mum's life it wasn't his, and he had never done it there, nor had anyone else to his knowledge. We have wooden floors, and I didn't clear up the last lot on the floor. He said it must of blown across the floor or something, which is completely feasible. It was so hard to trust him and I really did believe him this time.

I still so on my guard and we're getting back to normal, but I just feel sick every time he wants to go out with his friends. Which in time will not be good for the relationship. I guess it's gonna take a long time to trust him again, if I ever do.

Anyways, thought I'd keep u upto date!!!

(PS. cos of all this stress, I had to turn down a new job at 15k better than I'm earning. I also sold my apartment which I shared with an ex (not the one I saw in the pub!) because boyf wouldn't live there as it was my ex's 'territory', so I'm off the property ladder in order to rent with him. I've given so much to this relationship. I don't really feel I get the same back -- but I have prized him out of his childhood bedroom at 28, which no other girl has managed!)

 
Old 06-13-2006, 06:06 AM   #14
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eve40 HB User
Re: What does one do!!!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Veronica_Mars
Coke is a bit sketchier, but keep in mind that many very successful people use this drug sometimes or have in the past as well. For instance, the loser drunk-driving nepotism beneficiary who stole the last two presidential elections used to do a TON of coke, both in college and for the next few decades. So drugs aren't that big a deal to a lot of people, and most people who look down on drugs are hypocrites anyway because they use alcohol and/or tobacco. But if you feel like you cannot stand to be with any man who ever uses pot or coke, then you may want to reevaluate the relationship.
Hi Stacy,
If you are using the head, of the current administration, as a SUCCESSFUL example of the safety of YEARS of doing coke, well you've failed miserably. What a scary human being. I don't think there are any brain cells left in that one. Not even sure how he's still walking and talking.

 
Old 06-13-2006, 08:37 AM   #15
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Re: What does one do!!!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by eve40
Hi Stacy,
If you are using the head, of the current administration, as a SUCCESSFUL example of the safety of YEARS of doing coke, well you've failed miserably. What a scary human being. I don't think there are any brain cells left in that one. Not even sure how he's still walking and talking.
Ha ha, he's such a success story (having failed in only five businesses), and quite a role-model for the drunk loser frat boys of the world who can barely graduate school then somehow end up with cushy jobs their dads coincidentally once had!! I think that man demonstrates how well years of binging on both coke and alcohol (not to mention drunk driving!) to erode brainpower, lol, assuming he was ever much of a mental giant to begin with, which I doubt. Ah, nepotism...I thought the american revolution was supposed to get rid of inherited power and titles? Anyway Eve, it's great to see you back, I have missed you around here!

Horsy, I think you have the right idea. If you really want to stay in this relationship, then fighting all the time about drugs won't be beneficial for either you or your guy. I hope he can at least keep his drug use recreational/occasional and out of your house. Again, I didn't mean to come across as saying I thought it was good that he used drugs, though personally I do not believe that there is anything wrong with pot (except the fact that lazy bums tend to like it and give all pot users a bad name). I did get a laugh out of you attributing his paranoia to the pot though! That was a good one. Well it sounds like he still needs to mature a bit and I hope that happens soon. But if he makes you happy and treats you well, then I can see why you stay with him, drugs or not. I think many people would be surprised to learn just how many of their seemingly upstanding, low key neighbors and acquaintances use recreational substances, so it's not there aren't millions of other people doing the same thing as your BF. We all have different standards and the most important thing is to set your standards, then refuse to tolerate being treated in a manner that doesn't live up to what you expect and deserve. Anyway Horsy I wish you guys well and hope you will keep us posted on how things go.

 
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