Is this really what its like? - Relationship Health Message Board

kini23 · 06-09-2006, 09:05 PM

I am wondering if i am just having adjustment issues, but I am really feeling like there is a major imbalance in my relationship. I am a stay at home mom with my 2 year old daughter, and i am pregnant with my second due in Jan. My fiance does not contribute to my daughters care nearly as much as I thought he would. I am the primary caregiver for her and have made many sacrifices to stay home with her. I put my dreams and goals on the backburner. I quit my job and I am having an extremely hard time getting my bachelors degree with no child care and no help. I sacrificed everything to be a good mom and now I feel extremely short changed emotionally, by my spouse. I spend my days chasing an active toddler around who does not like to take naps. I am sick and tired and pregnant and all I want is some more help from my spouse. He is too busy---so he says, with work, (we have no money), school, (He gets to go to school full time, because his parents pay our mortgage), and of course we cant forget the thousand friends he refuses to let go of(he plays golf, poker, volleyball, online games, without me, etc.) I am sick of it all. He does not have any interest in parenting or being a good receptive spouse. It seems like he just wants to put out the image, but not really live it. He will not even go with us to the grocery store, and asking him to do anything family oriented is like pulling teeth. I am beginning to feel that this next baby is a big mistake and will strain our relationship worse. I sometimes feel like adoption would be the only answer, because I dont think I can stay in this situation much longer. I need to get away from him because this relationship is unhealthy. I dont even know really why I posted this, but I cant seem to get past the fact that this is the loneliest time of my life and it it supposed to be the other way around. Am I just supposed to live like this? What is normal? We have no money and the next baby is going to strain us. I feel incredibly trapped with no where to go if I needed to. I am lost and feel so isolated emotionally I cant even talk to my own mother. Any opinions would help because at this point I just feel exhausted. thanks for reading I know its long.

NitroChic · 06-09-2006, 09:21 PM

Hey kini....my 24 year old daughter just had her second baby, and her oldest will be 3 in october....her hubby was in Iraq for his 18 month tour, and it took him a long time to adjust to family life.. He left when the oldest was just a few months old. were you guys married when you got pregnant the first time?

mystic_star · 06-09-2006, 09:34 PM

what you have is a VERY selfish man who obviously isn't ready to grow up! You are left holding the bag taking care of domestic things while he's doing whatever he wants! He's totally immature and defenitely not husband material! He should have thought about all of this before he had a child. And now, another one on the way? I feel for you because my husband was just like that! I put up with it for years, but after I'd had enough of his internet affairs and going out all of the time with his "buddies", I told him he had to go! And I'm soooooo much happier now without him! Yes, it's rough trying to raise kids alone. But I'm doing just fine! And you can do just fine without him also! I doubt that this next child will change him. If anything, it'll probably get worse. I mean, he don't even help you out now! I'm so sorry you're going through this. I really don't know what else to say except you deserve happiness and so do your kids! If you can't have that with him, you're better off alone! Lots of women do it and you can too! I'm not trying to encourage you to leave, but if things don't get better, what other choice is there? You don't want to be miserable all of your life because that will completely reflect in your children's lives! We are all here for you anytime you just need to vent or need support. There are lots of good people on these boards with excellent advice who really care.

tnmomofive · 06-09-2006, 10:48 PM

I am so sorry your going through all that it is very hard to raise a child and alot worse when you thought you had a supportive spouce/father.Plus your pregnant with the second child.Not to sound judgemental because I have 5 kids of my own lol and my marriage isnt perfect but please dont have anymore children with this man.I had to get on my husband not to long ago about helping more around the house and getting the kids to their ball games,scouts and things.I would try that if I were you talking to him I threatened to leave my husband if it didnt shape up.I am concerned though more for you because yes your man seems very immature still with the whole buddies and games thing and so often.He needs to realize you and his child need him way more then his buddies.His children will remember him not being there too and the child will figure out exactly why he wasnt if it was work thats one thing but just being selfish is another.I would talk to him and be firm meaning what you say if you make any threats to leave you have to follow through if he doesnt shape up.You need to do what you believe is best for yourself and your children.I am not against adoption at all its a very unselfish,caring thing to do for a child and a couple who cannot have any of their own but I think you may not really want to do that your just between a rock and a hard place right now and dont know what to do.As the last poster said if it comes down to it you can raise your kids on your own you sound like a very ambitious (sp) woman.Ya know with no money you could get alot of help from the state you live in even pay for your college classes and books and a sitter for your kids so even if you end up leaving him you can do it!Dont let yourself feel there is no hope because there really is I had a friend years ago who went to the state after her divorce with child and she became a very independant woman got herself an awesome job for the postal service and no longer needed the help.Now she is remarried with another child to a great guy.

BetsyJean · 06-10-2006, 06:36 AM

If I understand correctly this man has still not married you?
Forgive me for being blunt, but YES, this guy is not good marriage material - however, it rarely all one's person's "fault". You agreed to move in unmarried? And get pregnant twice?
This is your chance to really think about what you want out of life, and how you want to live it.
More of what you have now? Or, maybe it's time for YOU to take some classes and work towards having a life for you - and maybe even a guy down the road who is supportive and loving...