Hey up CED, how you keeping? - Relationship Health Message Board

west1670 · 06-12-2006, 08:57 AM

It's West here again.

Have you been to any further Therapy sessions, how are they going? Has she given you any good advice.

My bf and I have started to look for seperate places to live. I don't think it is going to hit me until he actually moves out and we go our different ways. I am not sure that I am going to be able to cope all that well. We have been together for such a long time now.

My bf is starting to get tired of me being so indecisive about our relationship and he said the other day that it is probably best that we have some time alone for a while. The crazy thing is, now I feel like I am doing the wrong thing. I am now worried that if I have made a mistake he won't have me back. I feel really stressed about it all. I haven't got a very big group of friends and I am not looking forward to spending alot of time alone. Perhaps I am not so fussed about finding that 'spark' afterall!!

As you can see I am having a very negative day! Hopefully things will work out for the best in the end. I hope things are ok with you.

WESTX

ced · 06-12-2006, 08:29 PM

Hey West!! Good to hear from you. I'm hangin in. I had another therapy session and although she is very nice...she's not offering me much advice. However, it's my fault. I'm not opening up to her or being real. West, this is going to be such a process for me and until I feel comfortable enough to let my guard down, I'm afraid that therapy will be superficial. This last session we talked about my mother. We didn't talk about marriage at all...that's because I didn't bring it up!!

She told me at my first session that there are different types of passion and that people spend a lifetime trying to get to the place that my husband and I are...comfortable, respectful, peaceful, loving etc. I have to tell you, West, I too am rethinking the whole passion thing. I can't remember if I told you this last time, but I was talking to my sister about this ( she is married-2 years for the second time) and she said that she knew it was right with her husband now because she didn't feel that butterfly feeling!! She said that goes away and when you're comfortable with someone it makes all the difference in the world. Her husband is not bad looking at all and she loves having sex with him, but again....there's no real burst of I gotta rip your clothes off passion. So, I think if I keep talking to people I'm going to find that most people are in our boat. There is so much to love about my husband and he loves me so much. For me the grass is never going to be greener on the other side. I know it. I can't hurt the only man who has ever loved me unconditionally and we have so much hx together and a son. I have to make it work. I'm not unhappy...just unfulfilled sometimes.

You're in a different place than me, West. I know you have that hx with your bf and it sounds like you have a lot of doubt. However, if your doubt is just fear-based (I'm not going to find someone etc) then you need to think this through some more. For me it's just not about being alone...it's about ruining a bunch of lives and risking everything just for a potential roll in the hay with someone who turns me on. That's just too risky for me. I'm sure you would find someone else and if you're just staying with him because you don't want to be alone...then he doesn't deserve that and neither do you. I suspect that he has to have some good qualities or you wouldn't have been together this long? Have you made the pro and con list?

I know this is very stressful and I feel your pain, believe me. Please get out of your head for a little while and let some things run their course. My husband too was getting tired of me always saying that we should get divorced and that he should just let me go. I told him the other day that I will never say that to him again because I know it hurts him and when you say those things, it changes people. If I want a divorce then I will sh** or get off the pot. I can't make threats anymore..it's just not fair to him. He hasn't done anything wrong.

West, things will always work out in the end if you're honest and if you go to the place that you fear the most...that's where your power lies. You have a lifetime ahead of you, God willing, and you don't have to figure it all out now. Be honest, loving, sincere, kind, decent, and I promise you that things will work out no matter what. Take your time. There's no rush here. Just don't have any babies!! Not yet!! Please write soon, I love to hear from you!

west1670 · 06-15-2006, 09:26 AM

HI CED

Thanks for you message. I have been meaning to get back to you sooner.

I think the mistake we made at the start of this thread was comparing our relationships. I have come to the conclusion that you just have to do what feels right for you, because everybody's relationship is so different. It sounds as though your situation is mainly about lack of passion. My situation is about lack of passion, but other things as well.

I have always been in a relationship and I think deep down I need to spend some time on my own just having fun with friends before settling down to marriage and children. I keep thinking that perhaps my situation is about timing. Maybe if I had met by bf at 29/30 after spending a few years on my own things might be different. You never know, we might get back together further down the line!!

Your sister is right about the passion thing. Sometimes I think when people have passion they also have other things like arguments and trust issues, which I definatley wouldn't want.

You mention that if you are 'honest' then things will come right in the end and I think this is true. When I am honest with myself, my heart is saying that I have to be alone for a while and so I think I am going to have to see this one through. I am so scared. I just hope this isn't going to be a decision that I am going to always regret.

I have made a pro/con list and they don't work!! The problem is my bf is just too damn perfect for me to make a list. I can't really think of many bad things at all.

I am actually really happy to hear that you are thinking of staying with your husband. It's so sad to hear of families breaking up. In a way it would be so much harder for you to make a break because there will always be a connection between you both, as you have a child together. I think it is hard to get over someone if you can't make a clean break.

If this is your decision, the main thing is that you fully commit to it. You best not email me in a year's time saying that you are not happy because there is no spark between you. Perhaps try and fall for your husband, maybe try spicing things up in the bedroom and create some passion!! (what am I going on about!).

Thanks for your support and advice.

WESTXX