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Old 06-12-2006, 01:59 PM   #1
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Does anyone feel that they "missed out"?

If people have read some of my previous posts, they know that I have been dying to move away and explore the world.... I keep saying its because I want to get away from my mother as she has made my life miserable, but I think its more than that... BTW, I am 27, an attorney, and married to a 32 year old many for the last 3 1/2 years. I got married at 23.

Anyways, I have been seeing a psychiatrist about my life issues, especially those with my mom, and I mentioned to her how I really would love to move away and all, but because my husband just got a promotion and now wants to buy a house, I feel "stuck"...

So she said, my main reason for feeling so stuck is that I have never had a period of "autonomy"...The time period in your 20's when you "grow up," explore the world, and have no limits... She said "You went straight from being your mom's daughter to being someone's wife. There was no bridge." This is so true... I got married at 23 and straight up until that point, had SO many problems because of my mother...grew up in a home where I was always scared of my parents fights all alone (brother far away in college.) Have always had those problems and they continued straight into my marriage...

I really do feel this way... I MISSED out on the time I should have had. I love my husband. I reallly do. But having not had that time, maybe that is why I just want to move away and explore...I have no interest in having kids anytime soon or buying a home or any "adult" like decision... I feel like that stuff ties me down. I am trying to cope with all of it...

Does anyone else feel like they just missed out?

 
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Old 06-12-2006, 08:18 PM   #2
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Re: Does anyone feel that they "missed out"?

Vacation, vacation, vacation!

You're a lawyer. If you're not making bundles now, you will be soon -- I speak from experience on this one. I've worked with lawyers for 12+ years. The first couple years can be rough in the financial department, especially with a big law school loan, but then hold on for dear life!

I went straight from mommy to hubby, too, but I had -- and still do have -- a great relationship with my mother. However, my job as a court reporter gets me so unbelievably stressed at times (have you told your court reporter at the end of a long day you need the transcript first thing in the morning yet? If so, you know the hours we work), I must take at least four vacations a year. This allows me to "visit" the world, see, drink and eat what I've always wanted to, but then come home to my bed, my pets, my life and my job. In a few months, we do it again. If anything, I think traveling has made me realize how much I do love the comforts of home, my own home I'm talking about.

It doesn't always have to be worldly, expensive trips, either, at least not all the time, lol. Man, you don't have kids! Get you & your hubby some plane tickets somewhere and live it up! If you can't do it just yet, start looking at where you want to go when your work schedule and/or finances permit.

Don't sweat owning a home. You can always sell. You're smart. Renting doesn't make much financial sense if you can afford to buy -- often a mortgage payment is less than a rent payment, plus you have equity when you own your home. Granted our real estate market is hot where I am, but my mother-in-law "flips" houses and moves every year or two. I'm not suggesting this, but buying a home and selling it in a few years or renting it out is not unheard of.

Work hard; play hard. Everything else usually falls into place

 
Old 06-13-2006, 06:42 AM   #3
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Re: Does anyone feel that they "missed out"?

Hi,

No, money is not the issue. I have a very good salary... Just that feeling of not wanting to settle...Wanting to live it up... My husband has some different ideas here... I think he is a lot more ready to settle in than I am... Trips?? Part of being a lawyer is the great billable hour scheme. You make great $$ but cant really take "real vacation". Whatever time you take, you have to make up your billables. Trust me. Id LOVE to go on more vacations... BUt cant really happen... I really do want to move in the next year or so... I really do. I want to at least experience living elsewhere away from my parents...Away from what I know. I really would...

 
Old 06-13-2006, 07:18 AM   #4
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Re: Does anyone feel that they "missed out"?

Hmmm...I think a puppy might help! I kind of want one...Would give me something new, but I would feel awful leaving it home alone (OK, that was probably quite the tangent!)

 
Old 06-13-2006, 09:21 AM   #5
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Re: Does anyone feel that they "missed out"?

i know i've posted it before, so forgive my redundancy, but please, please don't get a puppy. they really are so much work, and if you're feeling bored, stagnant, etc. (as per this and your previous threads), then the last thing you want to do is have to come straight home to look after a puppy every night.

a puppy isn't 'something new'. it is a living, breathing creature that requires a lot of attention. this might be the time to focus what attention you have left outside of work on you, not an external distraction. i hope you consider the good advice of some previous posters that recommended finding some type of spare-time activity like a class or a hobby to nurture your creative side. then you won't feel so bored with the same routine day in and day out.

 
Old 06-13-2006, 09:45 AM   #6
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Re: Does anyone feel that they "missed out"?

What will be different some other place? Your parents will not be near you but they can bug you over the phone and you are not kind of person who will hang up. You will have same long hours but may/may not be comfortable with new team. Same goes for your husband. We were renting for 7 y, but for different reasons and ended up paying much more for much less when we finally bought a house.
You can try to have a hobby whenever you have time and you can do it where you now.

 
Old 06-13-2006, 10:44 AM   #7
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Re: Does anyone feel that they "missed out"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sahuja12
Hi,

No, money is not the issue. I have a very good salary... Just that feeling of not wanting to settle...Wanting to live it up... My husband has some different ideas here... I think he is a lot more ready to settle in than I am... Trips?? Part of being a lawyer is the great billable hour scheme. You make great $$ but cant really take "real vacation". Whatever time you take, you have to make up your billables. Trust me. Id LOVE to go on more vacations... BUt cant really happen... I really do want to move in the next year or so... I really do. I want to at least experience living elsewhere away from my parents...Away from what I know. I really would...
Ahh, billables...you must work in insurance defense? Okedokee. Assuming you do, I'm sure there's phenomenal accident reconstruction, vocational rehab, as well as forensic economist experts in...Hawaii! I think you need to hire them, have them do a report, pass that along to OC during discovery, which will require OC having to depose them. You certainly don't want to prejudice your client by not appearing live at the depo, so you'll just need to head over there. Honest, accurate billables made during the course of representing your client...until the depo's over, of course, which you can hopefully make that happen at about 5:30 on a Friday, so you and hubby have the weekend to take in the sights on your own time and expense

In all seriousness, tho, my clients travel all the time for work, both my local clients who go away and my out-of-towners who come here to depose our local experts. They always book depos on Thursdays and Fridays and enjoy our beaches, golf, shopping and fresh water springs for the next few days.

Another thing my clients and lawyer friends do are hit conventions/seminars for CEs in cool places. Reporters do it, too. Our annual convention in August is in NY. Thursday and Friday, I'll pick up some CEs, but the weekend is for DH & I. What's nice, too, is we can write off *most* of the trip as a business expense

I also agree with the previous poster that a puppy might be a bad idea. I only say this because of the hours lawyers generally work away from home. Puppies can't be left home alone for hours and hours -- at least if you hope to really train them to be good companions. They'll either trash your house or whatever room you lock them up in, or they'll be left in a crate all day or left outside all day. If you love animals, this is going to rip your heart out and/or cost you a small fortune in home repairs.

Now, if your hubby can come home regularly to check on it and let it out and play with it, I'd probably change my opinion. I love animals, especially having no kids. My dogs and kitty are a serious part of our family.

Best of luck & if you ever need an expert's depo (or anything else for that matter) covered in NE Florida, give a holler!

 
Old 06-13-2006, 01:52 PM   #8
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Unhappy Re: Does anyone feel that they "missed out"?

I am a patent attorney. I do not travel for work at all. My husband will be traveling a lot and I cannot join him due to my billables.

 
Old 06-13-2006, 01:59 PM   #9
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Re: Does anyone feel that they "missed out"?

Believe you me a dog will only tie you down that much more...my dog kept me from going and doing things for 12 years until he recently passed away...I miss him YES but I'm sooooooo much freer now!!!!!! Unless you have a very reliable dog sitter I wouldn't get one with the way you are feeling so tied now as it is!
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Old 06-13-2006, 02:59 PM   #10
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Re: Does anyone feel that they "missed out"?

Alright, I probably wont get the dog...Guess I am looking for a little buddy who can be at my side. (and NOT a baby!)

 
Old 06-13-2006, 03:58 PM   #11
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Re: Does anyone feel that they "missed out"?

I don't understand why you do not want a house. A house does not tie you down - you are not tied to it for life. However, it does give you a sense of ownership and pride. I love my house and for the first month after buying it, I would just sit in my living room and say, "I can't believe this is mine..." Renting only throws your money down the drain. A house is so exciting - painting, decorating, yardwork, flowers, etc.

Ofcourse you feel like something is missing out in your life. You work and come home every day. You need hobbies, you need a life! A house will definitely keep you busy. If you hate owning a house, you simply sell it! The market is still good and you want to buy now. Think about it.....

 
Old 06-13-2006, 06:49 PM   #12
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Re: Does anyone feel that they "missed out"?

I can completely..COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from Sahuja. I too went straight from my mom's house, to moving in with my boyfriend @18yrs old & now i'm married to him. I am 25 now. I never had that time to experiance "my" own life & freedom. I didn't think I wanted to at the time, thought everything was falling into place perfectly and so on. But now, looking back I so realize I should have taken that me time. Too little too late.
We just bought a house about a year ago, & I about had an anxiety attack over it b/c I too felt it tied my down even more. But we got thru it & now it is great not paying rent, and paying for something that is ours. I am also pregnant now & sadly in a way feel even more stuck. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my husband & we were trying to have a child & now we will have one, but deep down i'm about to freak. I'm not sure why. We have a great relationship & I know he/i will make great parents. I guess for me, it's just the being "tied down" part that really turns me into an anxiety attack waiting to happen. I've never discussed this with my husband. Don't want him to think he's done anything wrong. Guess as I get older, I realize I've just kinda lived life on the sidelines a bit, always doing for others instead of myself? Not sure. All I can really say is follow your gut & do what makes you happy. If buying a home right now doesn't feel right, don't do it. Definately don't get a puppy...that's just a temporary fix & you'll just be left cleaning pee stains off your carpet.
Don't know if i'm much help. Just wanted to let you know your not alone in these feelings.

 
Old 06-14-2006, 02:58 AM   #13
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Re: Does anyone feel that they "missed out"?

Hi Sahuja, i don't know whether your situation with your mother is similar to mine, but i do understand you wanting to experience some of your own freedom.

I didn't go straight from home to husband, but my parents were very strict and they had certain expectations of me. I felt very obliged to them, if i performed well and behaved and did all the right things then they would be proud of me, but wouldn't ever really say it b/c that could lead to spoiling me. It was a claustrophobic way of growing up.

I married a person who i loved and moved away from where i'd grown up and i tell you what, for the first time in my life i felt free, felt there was nobody to judge me, nobody to tell me how to live my life, but then again my mother got into the habit of phoning me every second night and thought my husband and i would drive down to visit them every single weekend for the entire weekend!! It was very touch and go explaining that there was no need for a million phone calls each week and that i did have other things to do on my weekends so couldn't spend EVERY single weekend back at home!!

Long story short, my marriage didn't survive (long story) and when i moved into an appartment on my own i was actually happy to be on my own and do my own thing, even if i was sad at the events which led to me being on my own. I think on one had my parents may have expected me to move back home, but there is no way i could have done that. To this day it's a battle with my mother over visits back home but i think we've come to some silent agreement and my dad tends to side with me these days.

So no matter what has led to you wanting your freedom, i feel it's very important for young people to have a period in their life where they are given some free reign and independence as well as parental praise b/c at some stage or other it catches up with you and can affect everything from frienships to relationships to your work. What i have learnt is that sometimes you have to be bold and stand up for yourself. You are a married woman now and your husband is your family so your mother should be taught to stop doing whatever it is that is making you want to runaway so much. Some parents simply don't know where to draw the line and think they are doing things for the best, when in fact it is drawing a wedge between you. It would be nice if parents could treat their grown up children as adults and form a friendship with them rather than continously treating them like they don't have a brain in their head.

As to buying a house, are you worried your mother will interfere or disapprove of the house you want to buy?

You would want to act on things soon as you don't want to end up one of those statistics where the grandchildren don't ever see the grandparents b/c of a family rift.

As for pets, please don't buy any until you feel happy with who you are and you situation.

 
Old 06-14-2006, 04:36 AM   #14
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Re: Does anyone feel that they "missed out"?

Hi Sahuja,

Reading your post I could swear you were my girlfriend. Me and my girlfriend met at 19 at University. She came from a very close knitt family where her mother played a big role in her life (and stilll does).

Just like you, my girlfriend went from being with her mother/family to being in my arms and we have been together ever since (now both aged 24, its been 5 years). She (and I to a certain extent) did not have those years of freedom and exploration which you are craving and it is now finally taking its toll...

I really dont want to be posting so negatively (as every relationship is unique) but from a freedom itch my girlfriend felt a few months ago it has gradually developed to her basically wanting her life back, a single free life to explore who she is and also see what else is out there (men).

She still loves me, she still tells me she wants to marry and settle down but she does feel like she's missed something which everyone has when they are in their early 20s and that is plain and simple freedom to find out who you are and do what you want to get it out of your system.

From our situation I am actually going to be leaving the country for around 9 months which I supposing is a blessing for me in disguise as I could not bear to be near her when this "freedom break" does happen. Basically my girlfriend is about to do something you really want to do. Go on a journey of self discovery. Have some freedom to let your hair down and experiment with what life has to offer.

All I can say Sahuja is I know exactly what you are going through, I also know exactly how your husband will feel if your situation develops like ours did. This isnt what you want to hear but this feeling you have will not go away. You can repress it by taking up hobbies, buying a house or even having a child but this desire you have will resurface and you should make sure it doesnt get channelled into something like an affair 5 years from now when children are involved. If you have the itch now it will remain, and the last thing you want is to resent your relationship 5 years from now if you dont pursue this.

Wish me luck - I'll let you know if my girlfriends freedom tangent ended us or made us stronger.

Last edited by Samisunrider; 06-14-2006 at 06:23 AM.

 
Old 06-14-2006, 07:16 AM   #15
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Re: Does anyone feel that they "missed out"?

Hi all,


Thanks so much for all of your advice...Really. I feel like I have a network of people who kind of understand...Everything seems so worthless right now...Really. And seriously, none of my need for freedom and feeling of missing out has to do with the lack of dating other people etc. An affair is the last thing on my mind.

When I say "freedom", I for once, want to feel like I can breathe and fly... I dont feel that way. From the outside it all looks great. I have a nice husband, who just got a huge promotion in a huge company... I am a young attorney who makes way more than I ever thought I would... We are both bright, attractive people and some of my friends say they could NEVER even imagine I feel the way that I do when they meet me cause I come across so bubbly and fun...But yet, I am just screamining inside!!!!

Yes Ive got the great job... Do I like my job? NO... I wanted to be in a creative but of course got pushed into something more lucrative cause of my Asian family where you are worthless unless you make tons of money and are either a lawyer or doctor...And now im stuck cause I have over 100k of student loans to pay off...

I cant seem to get over my past with my mom... And the problem is, you can get over something cause its IN THE PAST....But this issue will continue into the future... I dont know if I have the capacity to handle it anymore...SOme of you have suggested confronting my mom...I have tried. My mom is a suspected Borderline (never been officially diagnosed). She is also a massive narcisisst and drama queen. Last time I confronted her, she ended up in the ER howling at the top of her longs "I WANT MY DAUGHTER BACK!" for 15 minutes. My Dad supports her cause he has no choice. There is a lot more to all this but it would take writing a book... For now, I am trying the "ignorance is a bliss" method cause confronting didnt work...

For some reason, I relate moving far away to freedom...Just the feel of knowing my folks arent near me...Experiencing a new life, new world etc... Everything here reminds me of the trauma of the past. I am just sick of it all... Previously I had the chance to move. I was stupid enough to give it up cause I was afraid I wouldnt get a job. Dumb dumb dumb...

How do I ever tell my husband all this?? He doesnt understand because he HAD a healthy childhood! He LIVED up his early 20's and teenage years. Therefore, he dismisses the importance. He has moved between 3 countries on his own...He wouldnt understand how important it is for me because he undermines the importance saying "It wouldnt have mattered whether I moved around. I have always been the way I am..."

And now my husband has gotten a great promotion. I am proud of him. I am... He does know I would love to move...He says we will in two years or so, once he gets more experience in this new position and i get more experience in my job... I want to believe we will. I want to believe that will happen... BUt I have a feeling it wont...two years... babies, home etc... I am 27. He is 32. I want to go somewhere while I am still young and have no kids to experience it. Two years...29...Baby age. Argh!!! I am so bloody frustrated right now! I love him, and dont want to bring him down by telling him alllll this when he just got his dream promotion. I at least owe it to him to be happy for him. He has been through too much crap with me and has been really patient...I owe that to him, right?

Home?? Yes, I kind of feel like it does tie me down... But I guess it can be seen as an investment...But I DIDNT WANT TO MAKE the investment HERE! I wanted to Move FARRRR away and make the investment somewhere else!! THEN at least I would be excited! I am SOOOO not excited about it!!

Dont worry. I wont get a dog. :-)

 
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