My question "is it normal to have (or not have) your spouse's email password?".
It's a long story, but I found out that my wife has been (at least) emotionally cheating on me. I happened to look at the cell phone bill and noticed a lot of text messages (all from one number) and calls to/from that number. I looked for that number in her phone's address book and it was listed as one of her female friend's cell phone. The only problem is that her friend is married with children and some of the text messages and calls were at strange times - late at night, weekdays when I wasn't home yet (she is a teacher and gets home much earlier than me). So I did a reverse phone directory search and found it was a guy's number. I then looked at her email and found some sent messages to that guy with things like "I know it's hard to talk because we have to sneak around" and things like that. Nothing incriminating like "boy that was great last night" or anything. But definitely stuff that wasn't plutonic ("just friends" stuff).
I confronted her and she said it was only talking and nothing physical happened. For various reasons, I pretty much believe her (90% of me believes her, 10% doesn't). That was about 2 1/2 weeks ago. We are seeing a counselor and both of us want this to work. We have been married for almost 10 years and I don't want to throw it all away for 4 weeks of phone calls and text messages.
I have had her email password ever since 1999. I have never looked in there before. The day after I confronted her, she changed her password. I told her that makes me even more suspicous so she put it back. But she said that she feels like that she should have her privacy. I agree that people should have privacy, but not right now. If she truly has broken things off with him and want us to work, she shouldn't have anything to hide, right? She said she is worried that I might get really mad and start acting as her from her email account. I have never done anything like that in the past.
You have every right to be suspicious! Talking to another guy via e-mail is not right - and how do you know they are not meeting in person? Text messages too? Ugh, I would flip if it were my spouse doing that. It is a form of cheating no matter how you look at it. People often talk for awhile before they actually cheat on their spouse. This is how affairs start!
You are going to see that this is going to cause problems. You are now going to be wondering if she is talking to this guy, if they are meeting, what he looks like, where she met him. etc. This kind of thing starts to break down your trust in her. Every time she leaves the house you are going to wonder. Do you want that kind of relationship?
I am glad you are in counseling. I think what she has done is very wrong!
Well let me tell you if you go and look at my post (My great hubby & best friend) and follow the next few threads you'll see why I think you should have the passwords.IMO if there's nothing to hide than she should not mind if you have the passwords.
My husband & "best Friend" were having secret conversations all the time day/night etc.Well when I found out I started to questions the heck out of him.Long story short I have a complaint for divorce being filed this week.Yes they too were emotional lovers as well as adulterers...This was going on for 2/3 YEARS.I did not have a clue.I now have to go for STD testing,massive counseling as well as figure out how to help my 10 yr old & 6 yr old.
Now please understand that I'm not saying your wife is doing this but I will say that just until last friday my dh was adamantly denying any thing physical ever went on.Remember that adultery is the ULTIMATE betryal.No one wants to be caught in the cookie jar.It wasn't till she came clean w/her husband that I got the truth.So I would certainly be suspisous and press her or the other guys wife if you can...Good luck
coming from a woman who's husband had online affairs, it's defenitely suspicious!! The first real sign for me was that he changed his password all of a sudden and refused to give it to me! Then, he and her were talking on the cell phone. Couples should have absolutely NOTHING to hide from each other! This is not about her having "her space" or anything like that. You have every right to know what is going on especially since she's obviously hiding things from you! I never went under my husband's password because I knew it was available to me whenever. He also had my password and went under my name whenever he wanted to. All of a sudden, I could not get on under his name anymore. He was chatting with a woman in the UK (who didn't even know he was married) and had an ongoing affair with another one in Mass.! I would get to the bottom of this RIGHT NOW! She is defenitely doing something! I even removed our computer from our home for a while to try to fix things, but after I realized he was a lying, cheating "jerk", I kicked him out! Our divorce will be final in September and I'm so glad! Do yourself a favor....don't put up with being disrespected like that! There are decent women out here who won't treat you like that!
Look, I'm sorry some of you have gone through rough times with cheating, I have too. But I don't think the solution to cheating is spying on people! People deserve privacy. The solution is to work on your relationship and develop trust again, or end things and move on. Your spouse isn't your child, you shoudln't have to check their cell phones bills and their emails accounts. If my husband asked for my email pass word I would seriously freak out, it's none of his business. Am I cheating on him? no way, but I talk to friends and family and I don't need him monitoring and reading those emails. I even talk to a few guy friends, he is well aware of this and I don't hide anything, but still, this are my own personal emails. I find it odd the solutions people come up with to problems, as if their spouses are children. LIke if you don't trust someone you just don't' let them go out with their freinds or anywhere without you, or for porn, I go on another website once in a while, and this woman caught her husband on a porn site ( which to me isn't a big deal but to her it was) anyways, her solution was to get one of those blockers that blocks porn sites, and to get one of those devices that monitors all internet use and conversations, I mean come on, talk about a mom/child relationship. So no, I don't think solutions to problems are asking for passwords and checking up on people. If my husband felt the need to do this, I would seriously think about not being him, not because I have anything to hide but because he would be cheating me like a child that he has to keep an eye on.
Also, if people really want to cheat, they will find a way. They can have one email account that you know about, and others you don't. My point is, if there is no trust and you feel you have to live your life suspicious and checking up on things, what is the point?
to answer the question, i don't think it's normal to have a spouse's passwords. there is no reason to have someone else's password unless you plan to use it. and no matter what has happened in the past, reading someone else's e-mail is just not okay. the relationship will never get better if it spirals into a suspicious, snooping battle. there's really no point in continuing, at that stage.
"If she truly has broken things off with him and want us to work, she shouldn't have anything to hide, right?"
You had her password for 7 years, you discover she's emotionally cheating and now she wants to change her email password. Her excuse is what? That you're going to pretend to be her and email this guy? Pleeze!
I feel awful for you. I hope counseling works for you guys.
To each his own on the password and privacy thing, but when a spouse is open and hasn't had an issue with privacy until she's caught cheating, then suddenly it becomes an issue, it's too late to demand privacy. The trust is broken . That person shouldn't expect to be treated as an innocent victim of spying.
If I, after 15 years of marriage suddenly needed "online privacy" after being caught sending clandestine messages to another man, my husband would have to be blind or just dumb to continue trusting me.
sorry, but I disagree! If your relationship is based on you and your spouse hanging out with your own friends all the time and doing whatever you want, what's the point in that? That's a relationship of "convenience"! We'll stay together but we'll both do as we please and you can't invade my privacy. I'm sorry, but that's not a relationship. His wife is clearly indicating that she's talking to another man. There is something real wrong with that especially when she's so secretive about it! Couples should not "hide" things from each other. If you have to hide it, obviously you should not be doing it anyway! And I'm sorry, but there are some things that you just don't do to your spouse. It don't mean someone is "controlling" just because they don't want their SO carrying on with someone else! My gosh, most people don't want their wife or husband doing that! It's disrespectful. If you feel differently, that's your business, but it don't make everyone else a bad person if they demand a little respect! My boyfriend goes and does pretty much like he wants to and I never question him about it! But he respects me enough to know the boundaries. I was working one night and one of his friends wanted him to go to a bar. He told him "no, because I don't want to go without her". It was HIS decision because I didn't even find out about it until later the next day! The point is, he was being respectful to me and I won't even there! That's what relationships are about. If all someone does is want to be with their friends 24/7 without their spouse, they are better off single! I know you won't agree with me and that's fine, but that's the way I feel about it (and a lot of other people I'm sure). This guy needs to know exactly what's going on with his wife and he has that right because he is married to her! He chose her to spend his life with. She has every obligation to be faithful to him and he has every right to deserve that!
I agree with Mystic. Good post. Nothing should be too secret or held private from your spouse. The only reasons why people choose to hide something is b/c they know it is wrong or they feel it will upset their significant other. Seriously, why else would you need to hide something from your spouse?????
Yes, I know my hubby's passwords b/c it is the same password we use for our on-line banking, phone bill, etc. However, I can honselty say in the three years that we have been married, I have never had a desire to check his e-mail. He knows my passwords as well - b/c he has set them up for me at times and asks me, "what do you want your password to be?"
However, the original poster is concerned about e-mails and text messages that he already found. He has every right to be concerned about this.
And like I said earlier, this is how affairs start - with the secret e-mails and text messages. I have never been cheated on, but I know enough that affairs require some kind of communication before the sex begins!!!
A big thank you to everyone. Someone said and it is very true that if they want to communicate, they can find other ways. They obviously know that I can see text messages and phone calls on the cell bill, so they won't do that again. And if she wants to get a hotmail account (or whatever web-based email account), I would never know.
Trust is a very difficult thing. Once it's broken, it's really hard to establish it again. And the really screwed up part is that the only way to get it again is to work with the person that broke the trust. So I am hurt by my wife but I have to work with her to get the trust back.
I wasn't sure what the "norm" is on passwords. Forgetting the cheating that happened, in healthy relationship, I think that there should be nothing to hide from your spouse. And there should be enough trust to know that your spouse may have your password but isn't reading your emails. If I had been reading her emails, I would have gotten clued in much sooner...
Doesn't sound good...IMHO I would assume she's cheating on you...sorry but the writing is on the wall here...don't stick your head in the sand. Doesn't matter if she changes her password back to the one you know...she'll more than likely just create a hotmail account and start writing through that. Been there...don't that...I know all the signs and tricks!!!!!!!!!!!
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hey ps, you sound like a sweet guy who genuinely wants to work on things. good for you for realizing that if something's going to happen, unfortunately the people involved will find a way. that's what makes spying so futile, on some level. she could give you the password to this account and just open a new account.
i guess your best bet is to continue counseling and do your best. things will reveal themselves in due time, and you will be the better person for taking the high road. good luck to you.
We'll stay together but we'll both do as we please and you can't invade my privacy. I'm sorry, but that's not a relationship. His wife is clearly indicating that she's talking to another man. There is something real wrong with that especially when she's so secretive about it! Couples should not "hide" things from each other. If you have to hide it, obviously you should not be doing it anyway!
I'm not sure who this is directed at, but I have a feeling it's me, and when did I ever say I hung out with my friends all the time ( of course I do, but all the time is a little harsh don't you think)? Or that I hide anything from my husband? He obviously knows I have emails, knows I talk on there, and yes even knows I have a few men friends I chat with once in a blue moon that I knew way before him. ]Just because someone has some privacy doesn't mean they are hiding anything!~!!!!! I never said what his wife did is right, I have no idea if she is cheating of not. All I said was if you feel the need to monitor what your spouse is doing, check their emails and cell phones etc, then obviously there is no trust and what is the point. I find it funny that we treat our spouses like they are children. Just because we are a couple doesn't mean we don't both deserve a bit of privacy. And it's not because I'm hiding anything either gheesh.
If you feel differently, that's your business, but it don't make everyone else a bad person if they demand a little respect
um excuse me, my husband doesn't respect me I take it you are saying? come on, that is such a load of crap, Trust me I demand more respect than most women. he takes care of our son as much as I do, he cooks and makes our son's lunches for daycare, he is affectionate and nice to me and is a full partner in all aspects or childcare, housework and everything that goes with it. In fact, I would say if he felt the needs to watch over me and monitor things, that would not be respecting me. When you respect someone you respect then as a wife and also as an individual person.
I never said he shouldn't expect fidelity, I do and so does my husband, we both have the attitude that one strike you are out. But, what does fidelity have to do with checking up on people? I'm 100% faithful to my husband, but yes I have my own email passwords and cell phone and horror of all horrors I even go to the bar once in a while without him, but we are committed and also spend time together. The funny part is if I asked him his email password he would probably give it to me and wouldn't care, but my point is, I wouldn't ask him.
as for the poster well obviously it will take a while for her to earn trust back, but that is a completely different situation since the trust has already been broken. Once trust has been broken it's hard to get it back. So sure, for now maybe he should have the password, but is he going to go the next 20 years feeling the need to check up? because if that is the case I just don't see the point in being together. When you decide to forgive someone, that is a big task in itself and it's sometimes harder on the person forgiving than the person who did the act. That is why I would never forgive lying or cheating, because I know myself well enough to know that I coudln't forget, and I don't want to life feeling the need to check up on people and always be wondering, too stressful. In some ways it's bit of a prison for the person forgiving with the checking up and wondering if someone could still be going on.