I've sorta been dating the married woman for about a month. She answered a personal ad I put out. We exchanged emails a few times and she invited me to her house to watch a movie. We had sex about halfway through the movie. A little later we did it again. I went to see her 2 more times after that and we had sex twice each time I was there.
I started feeling guilty about seeing her, seeing how she is married. And I found out she is not 42 like she said, but she's 47 (I'm 37). That kinda freaked me out a little. And my kids have been giving me hell for seeing her and have made me feel shame for my actions. So I told her I couldn't see her again. However I told her I still wanted to be her friend and we have been emailling each other a couple times a day.
That was about a week ago. I didn't really have any feelings for her, just as a friend. But I miss the physical intimacy. Before I met her it had been 10 years since I had done ANYTHING at all with a woman. It was so nice being wanted by someone again. She tells me that her husband can't have sex and she's just as hard up and lonely as I am.
These last couple days I have been missing her alot. No one around here makes me feel the least bit important or special and she did. But I am so conflicted over her marriage situation. So what do I do? Just keep emailing her and being her friend? I don't want her to be lonely like she says she was. I need a friend too. But everytime we have an email discussion I start to get feelings for her. She's not going to leave her husband. I don't want to get emotionally entangled with her. But she's the only, and I mean ONLY woman to be even the least bit interested in me in forever. If I don't take advantage of the chance for sex, I am scared to death it won't come again. But every time I do I leave her house feeling like tee total dung.
What do I do? Do I go back to the unappreciated, lonely eunic I was before? Or do I find a way to shut up my conscience and do it anyway? I hated being celibate. Really, really hated it. But I hate being guilty and shamed just as much. Anyone else ever been in this situation? How'd you deal with it?
Last edited by moderator2; 07-04-2006 at 05:42 PM.
Reason: to change the title - please do not phrase titles as if it was a poll or survey
Hi I don't quite understand this - why do you think that the only way you can have sex, is with a married woman? that doesn't add up, she is still a woman, she has found you attractive, but she is married!
So she found you attractive, that means that there will be available women that will too!
You don't have to be celibate just because you are not sleeping with a married woman, go and find an unmarried woman who you can be happy with, have no shame, no guilt attached, and be able to plan your future.
Do you think you subconciously seek out unavailable women for sex, so that you don't have to commit to them? and are worried about having sex with unmarried women incase they expect and want more from the relationship?
Last edited by moderator2; 07-04-2006 at 05:42 PM.
You talk like I can just go out and find a woman. Don't you think I have tried? What, I just sat around for 10 years and didn't try to meet anyone? Hardly. I've tried just about every approach there is. I tried being direct, being shy, being honest and tried lying. I've dressed my best and went sloppy too. I tried clubs, hobbies, shopping, events, concerts, carnivals, beaches, mountain trails, busy cities and deserted country. It doesn't make a lick of sense. I'm not ugly. Don't have anything on my face that's not supposed to be there. I'm not fat, bald, hairy, or skinny as a rail. I look a lot like Tom Cruise, only taller. Been mistaken for him once or twice.
All to no avail. Nothing. Not so much as hand holding. I had completely given up hope. Shoot, I even tried as hard as I could to go back with my ex wife. I still have feelings for her and she acted like she did for me. But even that came to nothing. I had an arguement with my sister and posted the singles ad just to show her it was a waste of time. After all, I have posted dozens of them before with no results.
So I got one reply. I "went for it" with all I had and actually succeeded this time. She's a great person and we have a lot in common. She's not good looking, kinda fat, and older than me by 10 years. She's married too. When I had standards I wouldn't have given her a second thought. But 10 years of nothing will lower your standards. And your self confidence, and sense of humanity, and it will make you bitter and hate happy couples every single time you see them.
Now I find that my morals have gotten in the way of what I have been wanting for as long as I can remember. It's like, you can't ever have what you want, no matter what. But you can have this for a while. So it looks to me like it's either her or back to the horrid, lonely nothingness I was stuck in for a decade. I was asking how to handle this. If she's all I can get, then how do I ease my conscience and keep seeing her? If it's going to be impossible to get past the "married" thing then how in the world can I cope with going back to the nothing I was before? If someone's been there before me, how did they cope? What did they do? What should I do?
I don't need a married woman. I would prefer not to have one. I want a nice, sweet woman who likes me and loves me and all that. But I really don't see it happening for me. Ever. So do I give up on life or get over my morals?
My advice would be different except for the fact that you said your children know about this. You actually told your kids you are carrying on an affair with a married woman? My only question is, WHY would you tell them all this? There are some things children do not need to know about their parents and I think this is one of them. Especially if they are under 18. More than anything I would worry about the example you are setting for your kids
The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~
My kids are 18 and 16. We are completely open with each other. They know all my secrets and I know theirs. And I was more than a little elated that I had finally been intimate with someone, anyone. I couldn't help but tell them. I don't really talk to anyone else. They gave me the standard morals speech about seeing a married woman then proceeded to shame me and make me feel guilty. I raised them to believe that married women are untouchable. But it's just been so long. And no one else has even hinted that they wanted me.
I quit seeing her in part due to their actions. But I am at the point where I feel the biological urge too strongly to give proper weight to their opinions. We have been emailing each other back and forth since I told her I couldn't see her anymore. And it's getting harder and harder to keep myself from going to see her again. If I cut off all contact with her I fear I will be right back where I was for the previous 10 years. If I don't cut off all contact we will end up having sex again. But then the moral angle comes back.
I need a solution of some kind to this. I know the proper solution would be to find a single girl. And I want that. But it feels so impossible.
Last edited by moderator2; 07-05-2006 at 05:26 PM.
Reason: If you are responding to the last poster, please do not quote the post.
Have you considered that, in the past, you've been trying *too* hard to find someone? Doing all the things you said in your second post is all good, but people tend to sense when someone is there to meet women and might be put off by it. You say you're good (enough) looking and have a decent personality, so all I can assume is that maybe you've tried too hard!
Do you have any hobbies or interests that bring you in contact with others? If not, why not join a club or group where you can be with people who have a common interest. It's likely there would be at least one single woman there whom eventually you might be able to culture a relationship with if you wanted.
I definitely don't think you should pursue the married woman any further, though being a man I can understand the physical desires you have, but there are more honourable ways of satisfying them (though if it's been 10 years since you last had sex, I'm sure you know about them by now )
Perhaps all you need is to stop *trying* to find someone, and enjoy life etc until the right someone finds you. Providing you have some social life that puts you in contact with others, it really is only a matter of time.
It is great that you are so close to your children, and that you can be so open with each other. I guess I am just projecting myself into the situation - if my dad told me about his sex life, I'd probably vomit Not good mental images, there. Might be different for boys, though. I was worried your kids were twelve or something *L* But you really do need to set a good example for them. And right now the example seems to be "Hey, even if a woman is fat and ugly, if you really need sex that bad, then she'll do. It's okay to use a woman for sex, if you absolutely have to."
How do you think this poor woman would feel if she knew that you find her unattractive, below your standards, and just see her as a way to get off? I'm not saying SHE is without any fault, but there just seems to be something so wrong about having sex with someone that you have such a low opinion of. Another angle to this whole thing is what happens if this woman gets attached to you?
I mean, here she is, clearly having let herself go a little, her marriage is likely over except on paper, she probably hasn't felt sexy or attractive since the Clinton administration. Then this younger, good-looking man comes into her life and appears to be wild with lust and adoration for her. Women are notoriously bad at screw-buddy relationships. Once we start sleeping with a guy, emotions are going to come into play as well. I'd be willing to wager a bet that even if she won't admit it, this woman is already having fantasies wherein she leaves her husband and marries you. Or else where you continue to be her secret lover for years and years to come. You have to be really, really careful about leading her on. The best thing would be to just cut this thing off, and focus your energies on looking for someone else, or else keep adding more and more fuel to the fire, even if unintentionally.
The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~
this woman is married. Period. You need to cut ALL ties with her now! Find a woman who is available , body and soul, to only you! Not only is this morally wrong, it's a dead end for you because she's not going to leave her husband.
Yeah, I totally agree with Willnapp, I was thinking the same! After reading your initial post, you were giving out the impression that ONLY a married woman would be interested in you! it came across that you have a low opinion of yourself, as if you would not stand a chance with a single lady.
You are telling us know that you are good looking, tall etc! like Willnapp said maybe you are trying to hard, just a thought, but I know that when I was single, it was difficult to meet the opposite sex, now that I am in a relationship, I am sure we give off another type of aura, and appear more attractive! as now it seems I get more attention.
I also know, that when men or women are more attractive, it actually can be harder, if not a lot harder to meet someone, as I know if a goodlooking guy approachs some women, they automatically think, he MUST be attached, or vice versa. Also if you are attractive, women may also for the same reason assume you are attached.
You should not have to lower your standards, I think you are way out of this womans league, why should you go against your morals, and go for the safe bet of a lady who thinks christmas has arrived, and not be happy with this.
I think at 37 you are hardly old, meeting through friends, is a good way of getting to meet new women, or joining a gym or something.
Ok, this woman is "lonely". She's cheating on her husband with a man who has children. She LIED to you about her age, AND she's not going to leave her husband who "won't have sex with her?" Mmmm'mmmm . I've done the math. It does not add up. Have you noticed how she is having her cake and eating it too? She ain't leavin' her husband, she's got some hot stuff on the side, and damn if she doesn't have someone who still wants to be "her friend" cuz she's just "so lonely".
Bro, girlfriend is a PLAYER! (I'd say HO, but that much is obvious). She is going to drain you emotionally with *her* wants, *her* needs, *her* 'friendship", and make no mistake, you are going to have sex with her again, and she knows it! She is a manipulator, a MAN-ipulator, make no mistake. You are playing with fire. This woman doesn't have much of a conscious, and let me tell you, STAY AWAY. You want some intimacy? Honestly, go to a strip club or a hooker. Those women have more integrity than this one does. I just get a REAL bad feeling from this broad, dude. Be careful!
Be cautious of this woman...she's lying about her age so what else is she lying about? You say that for 10 years you haven't met anyone? OK so when you go out doing stuff and surely you've talked to some women along the way...do you ask them on a date? That may help
I think you should pay close attention to what your kids are telling you on this one.
I know about being lonely and all, believe me, I've never been special to anyone but myself. But it won't be worth it in the end. It just won't. I've learned that lesson the hard way more than once (not with a married person, but thru other situations in general).
With all my heart, I must say, being lonely is really the better option here. I know how hard that is to see/believe right now, but I think you are setting yourself up for even greater pain if you go back to her.
I hope you find the courage to continue your decision to end things. It was the right choice for so many reasons.
Well, I'm not THAT surprised that she's lying about her age, I mean, a lot of women lie about that because they feel insecure or don't want to be rejected. I don't see that as a big deal. However, why do you feel so desperate to say that only a 10-years older married woman who won't leave her husband will ever want you??? NO WAY! That's not true. You're only 37--wow, I'm 34 and I as well as a lot of my friends in our late 20s/early 30s would love to meet a guy who's just a couple of years older! What are you talking about??!! And you said you're decent looking as well. No, no, you've just been underestimating yourself all along! Where the heck do you live?? In NY, women would not let you be single for a week! When I tried the online dating, which was a pathetic experience, I got so many responses from men who could be my father's age, and I look and act younger by a good few years anyway. It was truly disheartening. Why don't you try to contact or talk to women around your own age and single?? Just be pleasant and friendly and I am absolutely sure there will be a lot of them who would be thrilled to be with you! I'm serious.
Thanks for all the suggestions, but I've already tried them. And then tried variations on them. They don't work. And I'll NEVER buy sex from a hooker. NEVER. I realise she's probably playing me. Using me for sex and for a sense of "look what I am bagging" or something like that.
And she's not ugly. She's a normal looking woman. Not ugly, not really pretty, just normal. What good are standards if they leave you alone and screaming for someone, anyone to want you? What good are morals if all you get is a life of emptyness and sorrow for it? Why should I sit here and go back to the hopelessness and despair that I have lived in for so long?
Before I got married I had my choice of women. When I wanted a date it never took more than a couple minutes to get one. After my marriage broke up it was like I was became someone else. All of a sudden nothing. I went from 28 sex partners in 4 years to 3 in 16. I can't undestand it, and if it was anyone else I wouldn't believe it. It makes no sense whatsoever. Women used to walk up to me out of nowhere and just start fondling me. It happened several times in front of witnesses. Then it all stopped, it's like I died or became invisible or something.
I went from a being a very sexual person to being a useless eunic. It wasn't willingly or by choice.
And now this woman has consented to consort with me for a season. I want to be able to enjoy it. Because I honestly don't believe the chance will come again. I know she's a ho. I know she's having her cake and eating it too. But what else should I do? Just walk away and return to the nothing? How?
Really, I want to know how. When you've done every hobby you can think of, done all the projects you can afford, distracted yourself in every way imaginable for as long as you can remember, how can you go back knowing there is nothing for you if you do? How can the sense of "I did the right thing" fill the lonely void of knowing no one on this planet (other than family) thinks your worth so much as a hug?
Oh, and the "unapproachable" aspect? It's a real possibility. But how can that be overcome? Should I wear a sign that says "I'm single, talk to me"? I don't have a ring on my finger. Don't say to try to look less attractive. Most of the time I wear dirty rags and need a shave and haircut. The only difference I get in reactions is I am ignored and not talked to when I am messy and when I dress up women walk into things looking at me and then won't talk to me. So it really doesn't change anything. I still end up alone.
The Following User Says Thank You to -CvC- For This Useful Post: Stupid feet (10-22-2012)
Wearing dirty rags, needing a shave and haircut isn't going to attract anyone(what part of that would I find appealing? NOTHING!!!!!!! OH yeah bring it on...NOT!!!!!) and when you get all dressed up women stare at you...so do you let them get away? Do you go and talk to them if they aren't with someone? I have a suggestion for you...kids, even old ones, can be brutally honest so try asking your kids what they think you are going wrong!
So you had well over 35 sexual partners over the course of your life? You should really consider yourself lucky. I've read posts everywhere on this site of men having an extremetly hard time finding a woman to date or even just for sex, let alone anywhere near 5 women over the course of their life. I know that's no comfort to you at all but....trust me, I, as well as any other man would envy you for what you used to have because most of us has nothing....some never has any friend at all (me, I'm only 18 so we'll see about my luck in this area in the future). I'd feel the same way as you do if I was in your shoes but just try to think of what you used to have comparing to what many of men don't have for their entirely life.
I also understand why you would want to continue with this woman. She's a warm body. She's giving you something you'd been deprived of for years... you're right, hobbies, etc has its limitations.
Being in your position once, I've had 2 "boy toys" (different times) and they were great... they were aware that their purpose in my life was nocturnal. And they didn't mind it... and I was in their life for the same reason. We were very busy, we were concentrating in our careers, we didn't have room or time for relationships, but we still have that "human need" to be touched, hugged, have wild sex... also the fear of contracting disease was #1 in my list.
Even though it's this woman who's doing the "wrong" in your relationship and you knowing that she's married, it's still wrong and I know that's why you're on this board to console your conscience.
I'm a 42 year old woman myself... I am proud of my age... IMHO, lying about your age takes away all of the life experiences you'd gone through and in a way, demeaning all of your hardship that has taken you to this point in life. If I am not engaged to my loving fiance, I know I would have a boy toy.
There are plenty of women out there who are looking for monogomous sex... as for me, first impression is important. How else would a man get my attention? Just a suggestion, keep up your hygiene and looks clean... there are plenty of women like myself who are just not up to having a full on relationship... we just have enough time and energy for the sex part. Most of us are divorced w/ children and don't be upset if we hide you from our children... it's just we don't want to confuse our children anymore than what they'd been subjected to. Besides, this whole sexual relationship is temporary, so, nobody knows how long it would last. And perhaps you shouldn't introduce the women to your children too. Anyway, there are plenty of us out there, we just don't go around announcing it. We're very subtle about the whole thing because of our careers. My 2 boy toys lasted on the average of 2 years each. Also, you would have to be emotionally mature enough to handle something like this because to some people, they view it as cold... in a way it is, but as long as both parties are aware where they stand within the relationship, then nobody would be getting hurt.
Good luck and my gosh, don't go too long without sex. Life's too short. May you find peace, period.
Last edited by Administrator; 06-13-2010 at 07:00 PM.