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Old 07-15-2006, 12:11 PM   #1
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Do I have a right? (About having a guy friend)

Okay, I've posted here before about my boyfriend and I. I know pretty much everyone told me to leave him...and I know you all probably think I'm stupid for not doing it. I feel weird posting here for advice, but I really need other peoples perspectives on things going on, so please bear with me and try to ignore my other post, for the time being. =/

My boyfriend and I used to hang out with his friends quite often. In the beginning of our relationship, I pretty much got along with them all, but as time went on, things happened, and we all didn't really like eachother very much. So I wasn't really invited to hang out anymore, which sucked, because my boyfriend would be with his friends a lot while I sat at home. However, there was one friend that was really cool, and was actually nice to me. He'd invite me places (with my boyfriend, of course) but he treated me like a person and not an annoying nag of a girlfriend, like his other friends did. My boyfriend and I would hang out a lot with this one friend last summer. I became friends with his friend, more or less. It was still sort of weird because he was my 'boyfriends friend,' but we were friendly enough.

Then my boyfriend got a job (last summer) and he'd be gone a lot. One day I was so bored, and I called my boyfriends friend (and mine, sorta?) to hang out. He came over, and it was fine, and we had fun. So he kept coming over the next few days. Whenever one of us was bored, we'd call the other one. It was stricly platonic, there's nothing there at all, and my boyfriend even said he didn't care because he trusted both of us, and it wasn't just some random guy, but his friend. He's told me that many times whenever we'd talk about it, how this one friend is the only one he wouldn't mind if he's with me alone. It felt good to be trusted and to finally have someone to hang out with sometimes, when my boyfriend wasn't around. (My one friend goes to college far away, and when she's home, works literally almost every day. So during the year, I'm totally alone when my boyfriend is out..which is a lot, lately)

Well, then that friend got into trouble and was put away for quite a few months. I was back to the friends that didn't like me, and treated me like I wasn't worth the time of day, so I was left out. I don't expectmy boyfriends friends to love me, but the don't have to completely exclude me, either. Anyway, it sucked. But within the past 2 weeks, the friend came back. He was really nice to me still (but like I said, in a friend type of way) and we've been hanging out. I didn't think twice about it, because my boyfriend has told me he trusted us, many times.

My boyfriend works 2 jobs, and he's gone a LOT. He'll be gone from 8 in the morning until like 11 or 12 at night (and usually longer, because when he gets off of us second job, he'll usually go drink with his friends or something) I'm alone ALL the time. It's lonely, and it's been driving me insane. My boyfriend has also been acting like it's such a chore to hang out with me, because I'm annoying and I complain too much, etc..so to have someone actually want to hang around me is nice. It's just nice to have someone to do stuff with while my boyfriend is gone, because I've been going insane sitting at home all day doing nothing with no one.

But yesterday my boyfriend saw that his friend was over again, and when my boyfriend and I went to buy cigarettes alone, he told me he didn't want me to hang out with his friend alone anymore. I said I wouldn't if he didn't want me to, but ever since he told me, I've felt like crap. I don't understand why, all of the sudden, he has a problem with it. He had no problem with it when it was happening last summer, and nothing has happened inbetween that time to make him not trust me. But now, I'm stranded without someone to hang out with again. I don't think he cares that I sit home alone all day while he's at work/drinking with his friends.

In his defense, I've asked him to please not hang out with girls, and him hanging out with a girl alone would upset me a LOT. But in my defense, he's cheated in the past, I haven't...and if he and my friend were hanging out, I'd have no problem with it, as I trust both people involved and I know nothing would happen. This is what he's said before, too. (By the way, I'm not saying because he cheated, there's a double standard and I can hang out with tons of guys...I'm just saying, I have reason to be worried..I've never given him a reason)

He's also told me (about a month ago) I can have guy friends, he doesn't care because he trusts me. But all of the sudden it's a problem, and I feel like a huge hypocrite getting upset about it and having him reconsider. But I just feel like he doesn't want me to spend more time with his friend than he does. It feels like he wants me to be lonely, or something. I don't know...I don't feel like it's about him being uncomfortable about it. And he does so many things I'm uncomfortable with, I almost resent that he's asking this of me, because I ask things of him..and he hardly ever respects it. He'll say I'm controlling, and usually do it anyway.

He will hardly talk about anything anymore. I'm almost afraid to bring this up because I don't want to make him mad, and have him say that he's just going to go hang out with girls then. If it was my friend, I honestly wouldn't care..it's just random girls I'm worried about.

That's why I need opinions, please...do I have a right to be upset, or am I being a horrible hypocrite? If it was any other guy, I wouldn't mind cutting him off, but I don't understand why suddenly it's a problem with this one friend. I know this seems extremely stupid and pety, but I've been sitting home alone for so many months now, it was such a nice break to finally get to hang out with someone. If I'm wrong, please feel free to tell me, and I won't even bring it up to him.

 
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Old 07-15-2006, 01:57 PM   #2
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Re: Do I have a right? (About having a guy friend)

HeWill-
Wow- that was a very descriptive post. It almost sounds to me that you are trying not just to justify this situation to others, but like you are also trying to convince yourself that it's ok for you to hang out with your BF's friend. Almost like you feel guilty for hanging out with this guy. I understand that it's a platonic thing, but it still sounds like you feel guilty.

Are you a teenager? (I don't need to know a specific age, so don't post that) I only ask because this seems to create problems with many young people. I think it happens because of the jealousy that comes with being young and insecure. Adults go through this too, but it really is a problem with younger people.

Either way, if your boyfriend has a legitimate problem with it, then you should take that into consideration. That's what a commited relationship is about- being open and honest, and mostly- compromise. Maybe there is some kind of compromise that can be made here. Maybe your BF just felt like you and this guy were spending too much alone time and he felt threatened by it.

I'm really sorry you are feeling upset by all of this, but I can tell you this- if your relationship with your BF is strong, and if it's meant to be then you two will be able to work this thing out. I hope you guys can sweetie. Keep us posted!

Lezlee

Last edited by ozzybug; 07-15-2006 at 01:58 PM.

 
Old 07-15-2006, 02:40 PM   #3
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Re: Do I have a right? (About having a guy friend)

my personal opinion has always been that the opposite sex should not hang out together if they are involved in a relationship! Not alone that is. If you go out as a couple with another couple, then fine. But there is too much temptation if you're alone with someone too much. Feelings start happening and then it leads to other things. I went to my best friend's house one day (just stopped by without calling first) and she won't at home. Her husband invited me inside to wait for her, but I left. I felt like I would be deceiving her by sitting there with her husband while she won't home! That's just the way I feel about it. Later on, she called and told me she appreciated me being respectful of her and her marriage ( even though she knew I would not ever do anything to hurt her). It was just the right thing to do. If your BF is uncomfortable, I don't blame him. You said you would not like him hanging out with another woman without you around, so you should show him the same respect!

 
Old 07-15-2006, 02:51 PM   #4
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Re: Do I have a right? (About having a guy friend)

Hey, thank you very much for your reply.

I'm not a teenager, but in my early twentys, so it's kinda close. My boyfriend is younger than me though, so we still deal with teenage like issues.

The thing is, for the most part, I don't feel guilty about hanging out with the guy, because my boyfriend has told me many times he has no problem with it. I don't feel guilt in the sense that I'm doing something wrong. But on the other hand, part of me is always terrified that I'll do something wrong to make my boyfriend mad, and I'll screw things up. And now he's saying he doesn't want me to hang out with this guy, which I can completely appreciate, except it doesn't feel to me like it's because he's worried. I don't know, I can't explain it, and maybe he IS just worried. But not long ago he told me he trusted me to be friends with guys.

The thing is, I'm really worried a lot of the time. He's cheated in the past so I'm really anxious when he's around other girls. I don't WANT this to be a problem. I want us to have a normal, loving, comfortable relationship, but I feel like a lot of that was forfitted when he cheated. I know I need to get past that, that's my issue to deal with. But, a lot of the time he gets mad at me, not because the things I do bother him, but because it would bother ME if HE did it. It's kind of hard to follow.

Example: The other day at my job, it was really really slow. My boss on at the time was a guy, but he's in his late twenties (he seems very old to me) We had nothing to do, so we played 20 questions. It did not even cross my MIND that that would be an issue. We only made it to 8 questions and then it got busy again, so we stopped. I told my boyfriend this in passing, just explaining my day, and he got mad and called me a ****. I was really, really hurt and confused, because just a month or so ago, he told me I can talk to guys, he's okay with it, he trusts me. He got so mad, and said that if *HE* played 20 questions with some girl at his work, I'd '***** at him' but then *I* do it. I told him I honestly didn't think it'd be a problem, but now that I know it is, I won't do it again. I also said if his boss was like in her late 20s, I wouldn't care, because she's just..older. I also told him he told ME it's okay to talk to guys, that he trusts me, not worry about it...if he doesn't want that to be the case, just tell me, but don't call me names when it happens, when it was supposed to be okay. If he wants it to stop, I will, but I had no idea.

He's been really stressed lately. He says that there's a double standard and I do whatever I want, and he can't...but that is SO completely untrue.

Quote:
Either way, if your boyfriend has a legitimate problem with it, then you should take that into consideration. That's what a commited relationship is about- being open and honest, and mostly- compromise. Maybe there is some kind of compromise that can be made here. Maybe your BF just felt like you and this guy were spending too much alone time and he felt threatened by it.
The thing is...I would love love love to have an open, honestly relationship where we both compromise until we're okay. We used to have that. But lately, he's been doing whatever, whenever, and if I don't like it..I'm a nagging *****. It's beyond frustrating, because I'm in a sitation where if I don't like something...tough, I have to deal, because he wants to do it. I feel like I'm sorta losing my mind at this point. I never, ever do that sort of thing to him. If something bothers him, I would talk until we came to a compromise. But he just wants to do whatever he wants. He says it's his life and I need to stop controlling him. It's not about control, I tell him that all the time, just some things hurt me (like getting drunk and staying out until 3 in the morning, or telling me he'll call and never calling, or saying we can hang out and never showing up, or smoking pot all the time..)

He used to be more understanding about the girl thing, because he has cheated. But after that 20 questions thing happened with my boss, he said he's going to stop avioding girls because he's sick of there being a double standard. He walked out during that fight, and we haven't talked about it since. I've been worried sick since it happened (last weekend) but I'm afraid to bring it up. I just feel like things are getting out of control and he cares more about having fun than how I'm feeling, at all.

I'm sort of rambling, I apologize. He may have a problem with my hanging out with his friend alone, but I just don't feel like that's the problem. He's said to me out right before he doesn't care if I talk to guys, but it's not fair that I can talk to guys and he can't talk to girls. But I would never talk to guys (hang out with, etc) if he didn't say it was okay. I feel like I'm getting mixed mesages. It just feels like he's doing it out of spite, for the wrong reasons. I don't even have guy friends, just this one guy that I hang out with sometimes. But we can't even really talk about it so I don't know where we can go from here.

I'm just tired of being lonely all the time.

 
Old 07-15-2006, 02:59 PM   #5
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Re: Do I have a right? (About having a guy friend)

no darlin', the cheating issue is his! You have every right to be insecure if he's cheated in the past. And trust must be earned back...however long it takes! But I still say that hanging out with another guy is not the answer. Because somewhere in the back of your mind, if you get tempted to go further with this guy, you may figure "what the heck, he cheated on me anyway" and make the mistake of going ahead and doing something you'll regret later. Work on your relationship without a third party involved. Three is an odd number, and always will be.

 
Old 07-15-2006, 03:06 PM   #6
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Re: Do I have a right? (About having a guy friend)

I completely understand what you're saying, but I would never, ever cheat, no matter how many times he did. I learned my lesson when I was really young about cheating, and I will never make that mistake again. I never made it with my current boyfriend, and never will.

I would love to work on our relationship, but he really doesn't seem like he wants to. I'm always alone, and it was just nice to have someone make me feel like a person again, and not a piece of crap, you know? But thank you guys for responding, I'm not gonna even bring it up.

 
Old 07-15-2006, 03:07 PM   #7
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Re: Do I have a right? (About having a guy friend)

Well, and this is again, just my opinion, it sounds to me like this isn't the best of relationships. If he is younger, and guys do tend to mature more slowly than girls, you two may just be incompatible at this point. It sounds like he's become very jealous for some reason.

In my experience, when a guy becomes jealous like that, it means he's doing something he shouldn't be. He's being jealous towards you because he's actually guilty of betraying the relationship. I'm not saying that your BF is cheating on you, but just telling you this has been my experience.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that you deserve to be in a mutually commited relationship where the guy treats you properly and isn't so jealous. Be true to yourself, and follow your heart. You deserve to not be miserable because of the way your BF is treating you. And I have to add, most of the time (again, in my experience) if he cheated on you once, he'll do it again.

Lezlee

 
Old 07-15-2006, 03:12 PM   #8
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Re: Do I have a right? (About having a guy friend)

He doesn't seem jealous to me..maybe he is..I don't really know.

He actually cheated on me 13 times. It's such a long story..I honestly believed he had changed (really personal stuff happened) I really didn't want to bring that up in this post, because I don't want all of my posts to be about the cheating, you know? It just comes into play so much, it's hard for it to not be an issue throughout everything in our relationship now.

I don't know. I only have one friend, and she's never really around. I don't know HOW to get out there and make more friends. I just pretty much stay at home, so to have someone call just to hang out was nice. I don't know. I'm just sick of being lonely, when I don't know what he's out doing.

But thank you guys, again.

 
Old 07-15-2006, 03:21 PM   #9
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Re: Do I have a right? (About having a guy friend)

Can I ask you an honest question? I don't want to offend you and it's none of my business, so you can tell me to bug off if you want- I won't take offense.

I don't even need all the details, but sweetie- why are you still in this relationship with him? 13 times is kind of overkill in the cheating department girl. I mean, I know you love him, but how can you allow yourself to be hurt over and over and over again by this guy? No matter how many personal problems he has, he has no right to cheat on you repeatedly.

Don't you thing you deserve better than that? I don't even know you and I KNOW you deserve better than that. I can't tell you what to do, but really, try to think about it this way, if your best friend had a guy who was treating her like this, would you tell her to stay with him? Oh, sweetie, don't allow yourself to be treated this way. It's just not right and I can tell you this- there is a great guy out there somewhere who will be true to only you and will treat you like you deserve to be treated. Your BF has no respect for you if he continues to cheat like that. He does it because you have allowed him to. Please, please realize that you can do so much better.

You've said yourself that you spend very little time with him, so how can you guys continue to build a strong and bonded relationship when you hardly spend any time together??

I feel for you and really hope that you will see that I'm not judging or coming down on you, I just hate to see anyone allow themselves to be hurt over and over. I've been there and finally realized that I loved myself more than that and I deserved much better.

Last edited by ozzybug; 07-15-2006 at 03:23 PM.

 
Old 07-15-2006, 03:30 PM   #10
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Re: Do I have a right? (About having a guy friend)

13 times?? One a health note here, aren't you worried at all about diseases? My goodness. This guy is a real jerk. My husband cheated once. I went to counseling with him and tried to work it out. He kept on and I kicked his a** out. No more chances! You need to step up and love yourself more than this. Really.

 
Old 07-15-2006, 03:58 PM   #11
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Re: Do I have a right? (About having a guy friend)

Cheating and name-calling is emotional abuse, which is very, very hard to bounce back from. Don't take it anymore. I agree- 13 times! And the name he called you was deleted but I can take a wild guess at what it is. You deserve somebody that respects you.

 
Old 07-15-2006, 04:07 PM   #12
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Re: Do I have a right? (About having a guy friend)

Without going too much into all of your post here is my first question to you love...Why arent you out looking for work to keep yourself occupied and finding an independence only a job can give you?
Scanning your post I came across something that always hits me in these situations, one person making another person feel small and insignificant. Baby you have that in spades. When I was younger I had a boy like that (notice I wont call him a man)
Anybody that alienates a woman from friends and/or relatives has some pretty needy issues and from what you have wrote he clearly doesnt like to be left to his own devices.... Abusers always use this approach and your clearly walking into the trap. Have you ever thought about that?
Your not working... he is... what is his words to you? Its all right honey Ill work you stay home and take care of everything or something to that effect?
And Im sorry to say this love cause ive been in this trap... Hes cheating on you now. And as I notice you have mentioned 13 other occasions???!!!
You really dont think too much of yourself do you? Honey whatever it takes you need to lift yourself up. This is unacceptable behavior from this boy cause he sure aint no man. A man has pride in himself and how he treats others. What you cant find that? Then baby your looking in all the wrong places. Like my Gran used to say... if you frequent a bar... a bar is what youll bring home.... she was also a Bar owner/Bartender from the old days and with the worst drinkers on record for those years she served...SFPD officers Irish born, Irish bred! Need I say more!
Sweetie Im going to ask one last question of you...
If you had a daughter and she was going through exactly what you are now would you not do everything in your power to get her out and free from this abuse?
And the nag comment that you made....he made that bed himself baby the minute he stopped caring about coming home! Who the heck wouldnt sound like a nag if her man didnt have the decency to come home?! please

You are worth so much more than this baby, we are women, we nurture, we love unabashedly, we hurt deeply, we hold tenderly, and we protect without fear. We are women here us roar.

 
Old 07-15-2006, 04:10 PM   #13
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Re: Do I have a right? (About having a guy friend)

My opinion---

This guy is a jerk, a cheater, and a FUTURE--if not already present abuser. Stay--and you'll only get more used to it, lower your self esteem, and probably destin yourself to be in abusive relationships that at best--never meet your needs.

They ALWAYS get worse. I was married to one, hun...and they get worse. You are not his first priority. HE is, his friends are, his life is, his happiness, his time---all HIM. You deserve better. I can tell you're intelligent b/c 1/2 the people your age on this board cannot even spell.--DOn't do this to yourself and your future. I have always had guy friends...(that is, until my H couldn't deal with it and put a stop to it) and I will NEVER have another guy that wouldn't "ALLOW" me to have them ever again.

I realize you are attached to him, w/ out having many friends around of your own, so you need to make some--and get away from this guy. You deserve to be able to do EXACTLY what you want in this life. ESPECIALLY in your early twenties for God sake!! Don't let a guy tell you how you should run your life--and run it yourself!!!

Wake up every morning and look yourself in the mirror with this --out loud!!!!, "I deserve a wonderful life. I am worthy of the greatest love. I deserve to be blissfully happy...every single day. I will not settle for less, b/c I have ONE life." and then blow yourself a darn kiss!!!!!!!!!!

 
Old 07-15-2006, 04:46 PM   #14
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Re: Do I have a right? (About having a guy friend)

Hey, I just wanted to respond to some people (thank you guys all for replying, really)

Well...first of all, I've had posts here about my boyfriend being abusive and stuff. I feel bad bringing that up in every single post, because I don't want to seem like all I want is pity. I know that if I stay, I have to take responsibility for a lot of what's going on, because I choose to stay. There's just certian situations where him and I see things so drastically different, and I really need to reach out and get other opinions so I don't speak, and question myself later.

Cheyenne1, I do go to work. My boyfriend and I don't live together or anything, though we do live within one minute of eachother (I can see his apartment complex if I step to the end of my driveway) I don't work a lot though, by choice. I find it hard to function like a regular person, whatever that means. I'm depressed a lot of the time and I just want to sleep.

When people say stuff like "if your friend was going through this..." or "if this was your daughter"...I feel really guilty. Because I don't know, my mind feels warped. I don't know what I would do. I would think it was a shame, I would feel so badly for them, but I would also completely understand why they are staying and dealing with it. I value love way too much, I think. I value it above respect and anything else. Love to me is something you don't give up on, no matter what.

Quote:
You are worth so much more than this baby, we are women, we nurture, we love unabashedly, we hurt deeply, we hold tenderly, and we protect without fear. We are women here us roar.
That made me really sad, for some reason (But not in a bad way) I just relate to that, so much.

ozzybug, you didn't offend me at all. It takes quite a lot to offend me. Like I said, I've posted about this before so I feel weird bringing it up again, I don't want to seem like a crazy attention seeking person. To keep it really short, honestly, no, I don't really feel I deserve better than this. I don't know anymore.

Quote:
You've said yourself that you spend very little time with him, so how can you guys continue to build a strong and bonded relationship when you hardly spend any time together??
That's the thing, we aren't really continuing to build a strong, bonded relationship. He really doesn't want to talk anymore, even if something is botheing me. The problem is we're caught in a vicious cycle. He's out until really late at night, a lot. When he comes back, he's tired and he just wants to chill out and then go to bed. But I want things to be okay, so I'll try to discuss things that never got resolved from weeks ago..and he gets mad because I'm complaining and I always complain, so we get into another argument, that won't get resolved. There are a lot of things I just want to work out, but he's sick of having to deal with everything. I also don't want to bother him every time we hang out, because then he won't WANT to see me. I feel stuck.

 
Old 07-15-2006, 04:56 PM   #15
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Re: Do I have a right? (About having a guy friend)

Just in case some of you does not know about hewill's relationship with her bf like Laurie, she is in an abusive relationship all the way. She takes name calling and beating from her bf.

I can't really give any advice expect to stay away from him but since you won't do it, it is really out of my concern with what you do from now on until you break up with him.

 
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