Computers access ? - Relationship Health Message Board

tertree · 07-15-2006, 01:55 PM

questions for anyone who wants to answer...if your in a serious relationship do you have total access to your mates computer? passwords?
If you dont do you think they are hiding something from you?

ozzybug · 07-15-2006, 02:08 PM

I can only speak my personal opinion about this because many people feel differently about this.

In my relationship with my husband, and even before we were married too, he knows my access information and sees where I go in the computer because I am always in an open room when I'm on the computer, however, he knows this information because I gave it to him, not because he ever asked for it.

I've never asked for his access information because I trust him, but again, he gave me the information.

People are entitled to certain privacies, even in a relationship, but there has to be a mutual trust there in order for this to work. If your lover is acting suspiciously and you feel they are hiding something, then maybe you should sit them down and talk with them about it. Not in an accusing manner, but in an honest and concerned way.

If you really think something is going on, you can always check the history filed on your computer and see what web sites have been visited for the past month, or however long your computer is set to hold the history.

Some people have nothing to hide, but don't want anyone else to have their access information because of the principle of it. They feel that if you trust them totally, then you shouldn't need that information. Some keep that information private because of fear that if the relationship heads south, then you have all their private information to do whatever you chose with it.

It can be a really sticky topic if you ask me.

Lezlee

mystic_star · 07-15-2006, 02:25 PM

well, the way I see it,if your SO can't have access to every aspect of your life, then what are you hiding? When we got our computer, my (soon to be ex) husband and I had each other's passwords and any other info. All of a sudden, he changed his one day! I never changed mine however and he could go under my name anytime he wanted to. Come to find out, he was not only chatting with other women but also having phone sex with them! That's why he changed his password, but he was stupid and left the computer logged on one day and I had a feeling something was going on so I got on. I went on his messenger, and lo and behold, he was chatting with all kinds of women. I talked to one and pretended to be him the whole time. Then, I kept the whole conversation on a disc! Even when confronted with all of it, he still denied it!

The one I talked to didn't even know he was married! I kicked his sorry a** to the curb! So if your partner can't be open enough to share threir "extra curricular activities" with you, better watch out! This crap of couples "needing their privacy" and "wanting to talk to the opposite sex all the time when you're not around" is a crock of crap! It's a convenient excuse to play!

bulletproof · 07-15-2006, 07:32 PM

In any serious relationship I've been in, I have given my password and information out of necessity, but that's all. I don't give it to prove that I have nothing to hide. If something comes up and my boyfriend needs to access my e-mail or some other account, because I am unable to for some reason, then that makes sense.

I don't feel that it should be obligatory. I did have one boyfriend that became unjustifiably paranoid and checked my e-mail without my knowledge. I wasn't hiding anything, and I broke up with him. Not all private people are hiding something. Or if they are hiding something, it may not have anything to do with cheating. They could be have other private issues that they are not ready to reveal to you yet, like therapy, for example. I researched tons of stuff on a ridiculous phobia that I had, which I didn't tell my boyfriend about for two years! But I would have been very embarrassed if he had searched through my computer and found what I had been researching before I was ready to tell him on my own.

Obviously, if a partner is acting cagey and secretive, then it's reasonable to have some suspicions, but it makes a lot more sense and is more respectful to sit that person down and ask, rather than becoming a private detective.

jenna_250 · 07-15-2006, 08:52 PM

I don't think you should have the information. I mean, should you also have voice mail passwords and listen in on phone conversations and need to know where they are every second of the day, because to me this is the same thing. For example, I have a sister who lives a bit far away, so one of our main forms of communicating is email. She discusses personal things with me, some of which I don't share with my husband, not because I'm really hiding it, but because I"m respecting my sisters privacy and she only wants me and my mom to know what is going on with her right now. So you see, my husband doesn't need to know everything that I say to every person I say it to. I'm not hiding anything though, I"m just respecting someone else's privacy. Now that being said, I do know one of my husbands passwords for one of his email accounts, but that's only because I help him set it up, I don't know if he has changed it or not since then, and I don't really care, I wouldn't check anyways. I do have other people besides my sister I talk to, one is a guy friend of mine that moved away that I have known for 20 years, and again, it's not suspicious, my husband has met him and occasionally I will casually mention I got an email from him. I just think some conversations are private, I don't need to listen in on phone calls so why would I need to check emails. Either there is trust or there isn't, and honestly, my gut always tells me everything I need to know, if you think someone is cheating, email passwords or not, they probably are.