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Old 07-20-2006, 07:59 AM   #1
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BF on questionable site... should I be concerned?

I just found out from a friend that my bf has a profile on one of those sites that pretty much is for people that are only out for sex. I looked it up and found his profile and it contained graphic pictures of him and talked about all the kinds of things that he likes and dislikes sexually and about how he very sexually active and wants women with "no strings attached"... yada, yada, yada... The thing that really got me was in the part that asked what he was looking for, it stated "Women and couples (men and women)". I got a big lump in my throat when I saw that! However, under orientation, he put "straight". There was part that listed that he was into voyierism, so that could be all that was... I don't know. The profile appears to have been created a couple years ago (about the same time he and his ex broke up), and there are thousands of people on this site, so obviously it is pretty common... even though I've never known anyone that was on them. I suppose people don't go around talking about it to their co-workers and stuff... but I just don't know how to take this or if I should bring it up to him. It makes me feel very insecure and I have to wonder if he has some sort of sexual addiction and if this is going to be a problem in the future. His profile showed that he had not been active for quite a while, which did make me feel better, but I'm still just shocked that anyone would sell themselves so cheaply online and even consider hooking up with someone from off of one of these sites. I would automatically be VERY concerned that anyone I might meet that was on this kind of thing would be VERY high at risk for STD's or god knows what. On a side note, both my bf and I have been checked and we are fine. Our sex life is great for the most part... the weird spin on this, is that I'm the one who usually initiates sex and for the most part want it more than he does... I've even posted threads in the past about my concerns that perhaps he has just gotten to that age where he doesn't want sex as much anymore. You would think someone that would be on a site like this would be up for it 24/7... which is not the case with him. I'm just so confused right now... has anyone dealt with this before... or are you on these type of sites and what is your purpose for being on them?

 
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Old 07-20-2006, 08:28 AM   #2
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Re: BF on questionable site... should I be concerned?

I would be so very upset to find this. Especially if it just seems like something your BF wouldn't be into. How long have you known him? Is this totally out of character for him? I would definately confront him about it.

It does sound like this is something in his past, if he hasn't been active in awhile. But, did he ever meet anyone for sex from this site? How come he didn't delete the profile?

Not everyone has profiles like this. In fact, I think most people wouldn't want to post graphic pictures of themselves online. I don't know of anyone who would do that.

You need to ask him why he posted on this site. If this site allows you to search for people locally, I'd say his purpose was to actually meet up with someone (not just for voyeristic purposes).

So yeah, definately confront him about this!

He'll most likely be very embarassed, and hopefully embarassed to the point he'll never do it again, and he'll delete the profile immediately.

 
Old 07-20-2006, 08:54 AM   #3
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Re: BF on questionable site... should I be concerned?

I did a search for local people and it turned up like a couple hundred profiles for just women... men where even more and I live in an area that has a population of around 160,000. What's funny is that I've been on the regular personal sites and I saw pics of men and women that I had seen on those sites on this particular site and I know that their profiles were nothing like they were on this site! I consider myself to be a very sexually open person, I'm not frigid or anything close to it and I'm very explorative, so why does this shock me so much????

 
Old 07-20-2006, 09:04 AM   #4
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Re: BF on questionable site... should I be concerned?

I don't mean to be negative, but I remember some of your past posts about your boyfriend seemed a little shady in that he may have been seeing other people. I'm just not sure, based on what you've said here, that he considers your relationship as seriously committed and exclusive as you did. There is a slim chance that he just never got around to cancelling his membership on that site but hasn't used it since he knew you, but I think you have every reason to be very skeptical and feel betrayed. I am personally about as sexually liberated as you can get, and even I would be really hurt to see someone I thought was my exclusive boyfriend having a profile on any dating site, let alone a sex-only site! Honestly, I just don't get the impression this guy is being totally upfront and loyal...you seem to be really accepting and tolerant, but sometimes we can put up with TOO much just because we like someone and enjoy being part of a couple, and that can end up really eroding our trust and confidence. I hope I'm being too harsh on your guy and that this is no big deal, but I do think it's a big deal and that you are right to react strongly. Are you sure this is really the kind of guy you want to be with in the long run? Are you going to confront him about this?

Even if you do ask him to take it down, I don't think that necessarily ends the problem. If he is the kind of person who is always out looking for a new sexual conquest, and you want a monogamous committed boyfriend, he may just not be able to make you feel as happy, secure, and loved as you'd like to feel with your partner. It concerns me a lot that you say he doesn't seem that interested in sex with you, because in the past when my own interest in my partner has declined, it is usually because someone else has caught my attention. Anyway like I said I hope I am being overly negative here but I also hope you keep your eyes open and don't let him get away with deceiving you in any way. And most importantly--use condoms! If you have any doubt at all about a guy's fidelity, it is a million times better to be safe than sorry, no matter how faithful or devoted you may be to him.

Last edited by Veronica_Mars; 07-20-2006 at 09:09 AM.

 
Old 07-20-2006, 09:13 AM   #5
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Re: BF on questionable site... should I be concerned?

I'm in total agreement with what veronica_mars said. It sounds shady, although it is a good sign he hasn't logged on in a while. Still though, using those sites is one thing, but to have explicit pictures like that for everyone to see would kind of freak me out espeically since you are supposed to be exclusive with each other. While on one hand the past is the past and people shouldn't be overly judged on the past, did he ever mention that he had ever been online meeting people or anything like that? I don't know, I would watch yourself, I'm thinking this may not be the guy for you. You could casually ask him if he had ever in the past been online before, what he thought of meeting people online for sex or dating, etc, and see if he lies or then tells you about his past at that point. I would wager if he is an honest guy he will tell you that yes, in the past he was online blah blah blah

 
Old 07-20-2006, 09:40 AM   #6
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Re: BF on questionable site... should I be concerned?

You know, I just don't know what I'm going to do... yes I am a very tolerant person, and I stongly believe that everyone has "things in the closet" that you may not want other people to know about and that you may not be proud of but that doesn't necessarily make you a "bad" person to be a relationship with. Yes there were questions of his commitment to "us" early in the relationship, but remember when I say early, I mean early as in the first month of dating and looking back on it, I was over-reacting and expecting too much way too soon. We did however, recently have the "commitment" talk and his activity on this site was well before this and actually was only a few weeks after we had even started dating, so really it was none of my business at that point what he was doing in his private time.

I guess my biggest thing is at this point is the fact that he has a profile on it to begin with... it just seems so trashy to me and really has knocked a great chunk of respect out the window. I just have a hard time sitting in judgement of other people when I know darn good and well that I've done some very questionable things in my life that would probably make other people raise their eyebrows... what's worse, he knows about a lot of my bones in my closet as do I know about a lot of his... I knew he was known for getting around back in high school and after, but a lot of the guys I knew where... they used to make jokes about their personal "punch boards" and who had more filled in than who... I had really hoped that he had matured past this attitude and was responsible about his sexual activities at the age he is now... but looking at this site... just has me floored! This was like watching an episode of "Real Sex"... but in my own back yard! It's one thing to get freaky behind closed doors and I'm all for getting as explorative and whatever as you are comfortable with.... but not putting it out there for every tom, dick (no pun intended) and harry to see. Practically every pic on this site displayed either the man or woman's privates specifically or multiple nude pics. The ones that didn't stuck out like a sore thumb.

If I did bring it up to him, how on earth would I???? "Oh, by the way, one of my best friends is on this site that I find disgusting and deplorable (which by the way it was news to me that she was on it, but that is besides the point) and she found your profile.... mind explaining???" Wouldn't that come off as two faced and maybe even a little psycho... he might start thinking that I'm having him followed or something... I mean isn't certain parts of our lives meant to stay private... where do you draw the line. Should I just "let lying dogs sleep" unless I see him become active on this thing... or what?

 
Old 07-20-2006, 09:42 AM   #7
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Re: BF on questionable site... should I be concerned?

keep an eye on his profile, pay attention to when he checked it last.
if it was me, I'd ask my friend to send him a message like she was interested and see if he responds.....and then take it from there.

 
Old 07-20-2006, 09:48 AM   #8
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Re: BF on questionable site... should I be concerned?

Rosequartz... my friend suggested the same thing... to even play it out and see how far he would take it... to see if he would even agree to meeting and of course I would be the one to show up... I just don't know if I have it in me to be that sneaky. I don't know if I have the nerve to do it and to be honest, I don't know if I really want to know the answer to the question... it just breaks my heart to think that I actually could be involved and care so much about someone that might could do something like this to me. And on the same note, I darn sure don't want to spend all my spare time being paranoid checking this web site to see if he has been on it... that's just not healthy.

 
Old 07-20-2006, 09:52 AM   #9
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Re: BF on questionable site... should I be concerned?

well you need to find out.....you can't bury your head in the sand.


the sooner the better, that way if he is taking your relationship less seriously than you are, you won't waste any more time.

 
Old 07-20-2006, 09:56 AM   #10
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Re: BF on questionable site... should I be concerned?

If I did bring it up to him, how on earth would I???? "Oh, by the way, one of my best friends is on this site that I find disgusting and deplorable (which by the way it was news to me that she was on it, but that is besides the point) and she found your profile.... mind explaining???"

If it was me, I would casually say to him just in conversation that a friend of yours had recently gone on a dating site that also had sex personals, and ask what he thought of it, if he had ever done it, etc. Don't mention that he was seen no there. That should get the ball rolling and if he lies to you, well then deal with that. If you both know about each others pasts, he shouldn't feel the need to lie unless something is going on. Alternatively, you could create a fake account and email him and see if he replies, although I would try to more honest route first. totally up to you, either way, you should deal with it otherwise it will continue to bother you.

 
Old 07-20-2006, 10:02 AM   #11
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Re: BF on questionable site... should I be concerned?

He was on this site a few weeks AFTER he started seeing you? And it is still up there; he hasn't taken it down? Ok, that's a huge red flag to me. It would be one thing if it was a year before you met, but I just don't think this is a good situation at all. Especially since you don't even want to know what would happen if you sent a decoy through the site--that tells me that deep down, you know there is at least a good chance he'd cheat. Why don't you insist on being with a man who treats you the way you want to be treated? It seems to me like your odds of being in a happy, monogamous relationship are so much higher if you'd screen out men who put up big red flags like this...even at the beginning, he seemed like the kind of guy who liked to have at least a few different women around. I am not judging him, because I have this same personality trait myself, but I can definitely recognize it in others, and I do not believe people who can't be faithful should get into relationships with people who want and need them to be monogamous. You strike me as the kind of woman who wants a faithful partner. I happen to believe though that the faithful kind of people do not act in some of the ways your BF has been acting. There are always exceptions and I could be wrong, but I think that he is very likely to cheat if he hasn't already based on this and based on the way other cheaters I've known have acted. Sorry to say this and usually I wouldn't be so harsh, but you strike me as the kind of woman who couldn't handle the emotional strain of infidelity, and I'd just hate to see you with someone who hurts you in that way. Good luck...

 
Old 07-20-2006, 02:09 PM   #12
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Re: BF on questionable site... should I be concerned?

Veronica your right, I do want a faithful and monogamous relationship and when we had our "talk" about commitment, I was very upfront with him and explained to him that I've been burned really bad a couple times and I have to almost force myself to trust anyone around me. I told him that I did not think that I could handle finding out that someone I was committed to was screwing around on me again... that it would break my heart. He told me that he doesn't want to hurt me, is committed to me, isn't seeing or talking to anyone else and has no intentions to. He was hurt really bad by infidelity in his last relationship and told me that he had cheated on girlfriends in the past, but had never had someone he loved do it to him and now that he knows how it feels... he claims he would never do it again. We promised each other that if we either of us found ourselves in the situation or at the point that either of us wanted to see other people that we would (no matter how bad it hurt) give the other the respect of telling them that this is what's happening and I want to date other people. My heart tells me to believe him and give him the benefit of the doubt, but my head is spinning with questions and concerns and doubts. I asked my younger brother (25) about these type of websites and he said that he has known a lot of people that frequented them and for the most part didn't ever follow thru with anything, but simply was on it to give themselves an ego boost. He too suggested that I should just casually mention that I have a friend who is on one and ask if he has ever done something like that, what he thinks about it, yada, yada, yada... and see if he lies or what. He said if it was just something he did on a whim or to get a testosterone boost from, then he will probably be honest and fess up to having a profile himself... if he lies and acts appalled, then I have problems (obviously). I just hope that I can keep it together while I'm playing it out... I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve, and he ALWAYS knows when something is wrong... whether I don't feel good, I'm ****** off, sad or whatever and I tend to tremble when I'm really upset about something, so that would be a huge tip off to "this is more than just a casual conversation".

 
Old 07-20-2006, 02:29 PM   #13
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Re: BF on questionable site... should I be concerned?

Hmm I really don't know what the best thing for you to do is. I'm sorry to have been harsh in my earlier posts, but I am honestly worried for you. I hope that I am wrong though and that there is no big deal. While your brother might be right that your bf doesn't mean anything bad by being on there (though I'm not sure why anyone would join that sort of site and then not take off their profile once they found a partner), I don't think his plan is a good one. Because if you bring up those kind of sites generally, and he doesn't say anything, then you have found out nothing, but it also doesn't really prove that he is doing anything wrong. So casually mentioning the site and seeing what he says really solves nothing, proves nothing, tells you nothing, and therefore provides you with absolutely no reassurance.

I think you should have your friend write him and find out once and for all if he is still using the site. If he ignores her message or tells her he has a gf, then you can feel relatively safe. If he writes back, then you will know he is definitely writing to other women as well and that the chances he won't/hasn't cheated are close to 0%. That would be sad, but I think you'd be better off knowing now if he is up to no good than months down the line when you are even further invested in him emotionally and likely to be even more disappointed if he turns out to be a cheater. I would not feel safe if I was dating a man who had a profile on that sort of site, and I'm not even the kind of woman who demands or expects monogamy unless my man is voluntarily inclined to be loyal to me. So for someone who really wants a committed exclusive relationship, I don't know how you can really feel secure and comfortable with him while that profile is up there. You deserve to know if he is still sleeping with other women, because he has promised not to and owes you that respect and also out of concern for your health. Please be careful and let us know how things go...

 
Old 07-20-2006, 02:56 PM   #14
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Re: BF on questionable site... should I be concerned?

Oh boy, I have got some major issues with this one. I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was on one of those sites! He was on that one as well as at least 4 other dating sites, while we were still together! We had been dating for about 5 years when I found the first one on a regular dating site. Then I found him on the other ones. How did I know? Because he neglected to delete his internet history, so when I went to use his computer, I saw the links.

Anyway, when I confronted him, he totally lied and said that the only reason he was on there was because his best friend was on there and having trouble with some of the girls being mean or something so he signed up to hassle them back. I said - then why did you put all of your true info on there and a real picture? If you were just going on there to mess around to defend your pathetic loser friend then why not use a fake profile and a fake picture? He said because the girls always know when it's fake and they won't talk to him. (can I roll my eyes now?).

I was an IDIOT and I stayed with him for another 3 years after that. Until I got a hold of his email password and saw he was corresponding with these girls he met from various personal sites, and that he was telephoning a few of them! Oh man! I hit the roof!

I finally had enough after 8 years of being abused by this complete and total loser and I broke up with him. He kept making excuses, but I'd had enough. The one that really threw me was the sex site profile, because he actually posted pics of his naked weewee for all the world to see. I was like - ew that's disgusting, I can't believe you would even think about doing that on a public website!!

Anyway.... My point to you is, if you found him on there and he's with you now but he hasn't deleted his profile, then he's a scumbag and you have to break up with him. It doesn't matter what his excuse it (he forgot, he didn't realize it was still there, he didn't think it was important, blah blah blah) all of it is a crock of BS. You and I and all of the other formerly-been-cheated-on women in this world deserve a hell of a lot better than some pathetic loser guy who begs for sex on an internet personals site. Come on, seriously. Let's think about this: How many of us rational sane women who respect ourselves would even consider posting a profile on a trashy site like that? I'd say probably none of us. Because we're not idiots like these guys are.

I know you want to think the best of him and you don't want to consider that he might be cheating on you. But I'm tellling you from experience that these things don't ever get better. They only get worse, the longer you let it go on. Oh, so this guy I just told you about that I broke up with, he's married now. And guess what? His profile is still up on at least 3 of the 5 websites that he was on before. He never even took them down when he got married. Goes to show that a leopard never changes his spots. Once a cheater, always a cheater. And that's all I have to say about that.

 
Old 07-21-2006, 09:44 PM   #15
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Re: BF on questionable site... should I be concerned?

Bracelet - I can totally relate to you! I had a boyfriend who did the same thing. We met through an on-line dating site and dated for about 9 months. He took his profile down on the site we met each other on. However, he contiued to post on other dating sites and chat on-line with other girls. My boyfriend told me he did it for an ego boost (like what Lady's brother said). It came to a point that I didn't know if I could trust him. I said to myself, "why be in a relationship with a man I cannot trust?" How did I know that he wouldn't go to meet one of these girls in the future? Everytime I didn't hear from him, I wondered if he was out with another girl.


ladyofkypros - I want to ask you - what made you look on this sex site also? Usually you have to create an account to even look at the profiles. How did you see the pictures of your boyfriend on this site without an account? Also, did you have reason to suspect your boyfriend would have a profile on this site?
Perhaps you were curious about this site just as your boyfriend may have been? Maybe he posted just so he could see who else is on the site. Who knows? I am just exploring all the avenues. But I do agree with the other posters, you have every right to be weary.

 
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