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Old 07-21-2006, 10:46 PM   #1
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Fireball76 HB User
Trust issues (long post, legit question though)

Okay, I'll give a little background here since this is the first time I've posted on this particular board.
I'm 30 years old and going through a divorce. I was with my soon to be ex for 11 years, married for 6. The year we got married I also got pregnant. I had a semi-complicated pregnancy, but luckily all turned out well and I had my beautiful son. 10 days after I had my boy I found a letter in my husband's wallet. It was from a girl he worked with and very clearly from the letter they were having an affair. I confronted him with it and he admitted to it. Probably admitted too much to me, like the fact that the day after I gave birth he went home to "sleep", when in fact he went home and she came over and they did who knows what in my bed. So, at the time I was 24, been married for 6 months, had a 10 day old baby and also had to deal with a cheating husband. I was completely devistated and embarassed, also at the time my mom was battling breast cancer (she beat it and is cancer free to date BTW) and having marriage issues of her own with my dad. So, what I did as decide to try and forgive and forget. Anyone who has been there can tell you how hard that is. I never told anyone what I found out or what he did. I kept that to myself and swore I would take it to the grave.
I thought I had forgiven, and time went by but there was no way I could forget. We had a lot going on in our lives from about the time this all happened until recently (his teenage sister was kicked out of her house and she moved in with us, so I had guardianship of her, so I had an infant and a teenager in the house). Time went on, we were busy and I did think I was happy, we had another child, another wonderful son.
It wasn't until just recently that I finally admitted to anyone what my ex had done to me when I was pregnant. The person I told was a mutual friend of ours who knew something was wrong. He had been through a divorce before after he had been cheated on my his wife. So I knew that he would understand where I was coming from and understand how complex the feelings are when you are betrayed like that.
He understood completely and talked with me for a long time and made me see that I deserved more out of life that what my ex was giving me. (I was the sole provider for our family, my ex stayed home and watched the kids, spent money like it was nothing so that we were in debt and I had to work overtime a lot, also he would go out any chance he got and stay out until 6 in the morning, but not tell me where he was). I realized that I had spent the last six years trying to make him as happy as I could by letting him do whatever he wanted so that I could keep him from cheating again. Which more than likely he did anyway because I let him get away with so much.
Okay, so, I confronted my ex, asked for a divorce and he agreed whole heartedly that we should. So that part isn't stressful at all.
I am now involved with the mutual friend in a very serious relationship. I love him more than I thought I ever could love someone, I think I have truely found the man I'm meant to be with. And he feels the same for me, both of us have never been happier.
Here's where I have a question (finally, huh?)
With having lived through years of not trusting my ex, I've grown used to being suspicious. So now I find myself feeling that way when my boyfried isn't home. I know from talking with him and knowing him that he would never cheat on me. But how do I get what my ex did to me out of my head? Also as a little more history, I have since found out that my grandfather cheated on my grandmother constantly and the trouble my parents were having was that my dad was cheating on my mom. So, while the rational part of me knows that not every man cheats. But the insecure scared side says "get ready for it because he'll do it. Your ex did, your dad did and so did your grandpa, they all do it."
My boyfriend does know that I have issues with it and he says it does get better over time. He said after his wife cheated on him, he assumed all women did. What he did was make a decision one day that he couldn't live his life like that anymore, so he put it out of his mind.
He also said if I can't do that then any time I feel worried about this to talk to him. I have and he always reassures me that he would never do anything like that. But I also don't want to drive him away by not being more confident in him and our commitment to each other.
So, any tips on how to deal with and get beyond a past betrayal so I can move forward with my life?
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Old 07-22-2006, 07:49 AM   #2
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aceykay1021 HB User
Re: Trust issues (long post, legit question though)

wow...all I can say is you are a strong women...And I am glad to hear that you found someone that is going to be good to you....Hon it is just going to take time to gain that trust..It will come I promise....Let us know how you are doing...Keep in touch....Good Luck!!!

 
Old 07-22-2006, 09:32 AM   #3
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IJUSTWANNANO HB User
Re: Trust issues (long post, legit question though)

xxxxxxxxxx

Last edited by IJUSTWANNANO; 09-04-2006 at 02:38 AM.

 
Old 07-22-2006, 09:29 PM   #4
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Fireball76 HB User
Re: Trust issues (long post, legit question though)

Thanks! I know it'll take time, and if I ever need assurance from my boyfriend, he's there to give it. He's so amazing that I don't have to even ask, it's just there.
Everything now is such a difference from what I had grown used during my marriage and all positive differences. It's taking some getting used to!

One of the things that my boyfriend told me about myself that I didn't realize was that I am a strong woman. I would have to be to try for so long to make the marriage work, if I'm that strong then I'm strong enough to know I had tried as hard as I could and it was time to look out for me for a change.

JUSTWANNANO: I'm so sorry to hear that. I think that's something that cheaters don't take into account. I know my ex didn't. I had to explain to him that what he did by cheating on me was ruin not only my trust in him but also my trust in anyone from that point on. I mean, if he could do it, then why not any other guy. That really shocked him to hear that and I think it made him stop for a second and see just what he had put me through and would continue to put me through for the rest of my life regardless of if mhim and I were married still or not.

I do feel that the trust issue is getting easier as time goes by. I've been dealing with this for 6 months or so now. And it's getting to be a smaller concern in my mind. I was just wondering how others have gotten past this mental road block?
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Old 07-23-2006, 02:41 PM   #5
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angeleyes0906 HB User
Talking Re: Trust issues (long post, legit question though)

I just wanted to weigh in on the trust issue. I am 10 years past a previous marriage that ended because of a cheating ex, When I first met my current husband I had huge issues with not knowing where he was and who he was with, I know in my conscience mind that he would never cheat, but occasionally still for just a split second if I can't reach him or he isn't where he said he was going, I pause, panic, then tell myself that he isn't my ex, has never given me reason to suspect, and is where he doesn't have cell service. I don't know that you will ever comletely get over it, but it is easier to assume that being with someone who has been cheated against wont cheat on you, they know what pain it inflicts, I personally could never put someone else through that trauma, and most people who have been there feel the same. Its very tough to get past, but you can do it, six months isn't very long, give it time, and let the new guy in your life help you past it.....good luck.

 
Old 07-23-2006, 04:57 PM   #6
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Fireball76 HB User
Re: Trust issues (long post, legit question though)

Thanks Angeleyes...
That's exactly how it is for me too. Right to a tee. I know it's getting better, and I also know it'll take time. And luckily for me my new guy has been through the same thing. He's told me exactly what you just said, he knows what it feels like and could ever do that to anyone.

Thanks! All of you have helped me a lot, what I needed to hear is that it's normal to feel like this and that it'll get better!
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