Need opinions on being 'too' nice/ forgiving ex's and chatting with them online
my boyfriend is one of those 'nice' guys. He's even had a girl break up with him because he was too nice. He's very forgiving. Do you think it's normal for a nice guy like that to be forgiving to the point where he's friends with his ex girlfriends?
We recently had a blowout because he was hiding from me the fact that he was in touch with an ex girlfriend online... his explaination was that he no longer has feelings for her, but he is able to forgive and forget that she hurt him (cheated on him twice). The reason he couldn't tell me is because it's weird to right-out offer the information in the first place, and if he did I'd probably flip out.
I might have... because, I am different with ex's. I don't feel I have any reason to be friends with the one ex I have because he hurt me.
He told me last night when I found out he had been talking online to ANOTHER ex I just found about let alone the one I found out about last week... and he told me that these girls contacted HIM and that he cannot just be like "I have a girlfriend I can't talk to you bye"...
which I can understand. And I can understand why they'd want to contact him even though he has a girlfriend... he's a great friend.
And it's not like I dont trust him...I know he'd never do anything to hurt me.
I guess it's just strange how NICE he is to people who have hurt him!
So what do you guys think? Being friends with ex's okay?
Last edited by volcomrxy21; 07-28-2006 at 06:05 AM.
I'm sure you're going to get all sorts of varying responses on the question of being friends with ex's. I've personally never been faced with that, so I can't offer advice on that one.
However, my hubby is a "nice guy." I'm talking way, way, way nice...shockingly nice. I kid you not when I say he wakes up in the morning and thinks to himself, "How can I make someone else's day better?" Having dated "players," jerks, guys who were all concerned with their image and being cocky, guys who were afraid to be nice because somewhere they're told chicks won't respect them, nice guys are wonderful and truly a breath of fresh air.
If you both have a strong bond and connection, trust is not an issue, he makes you feel on top of the world, I don't think you can go wrong with a nice guy.
This is a touchy situation, becasue just as Steno said, there are many people who have different views about continuing a a friendship with an ex.
I too have a nice guy. He is genuinely forgiving and is really a nice guy in general. When he forgives something, he is able to move on from it and continue a friendship. He has, many times during our relationship spoken with his ex's and I haven't thought anything of it. I trust him. No, he doesn't speak with them on-line, but he was a bartender for many years therefore saw his ex's on a regular basis and was on friendly terms with them. I am on friendly terms with them as well, and have sat at the bar and had some great conversations with them. No, we don't compare stories because to me, that is inapropriate. I don't need or want to hear the details of their relationship and they don't need to know the details of our relationship either.
I can't tell you what you should do because you have to do what you are comfortable with, but if your bf isn't cheating on you, then no worries. Now, if these other girls start to cross the boundary between a platonic friendship and start making "passes" or flirting with him, then yes, you have a right to ask that he put his foot down and correct the situation. Even stop talking to them if they do not respect the fact that he is with someone else. But again, if it's just a friendship and there are no boundaries crossed, then in my opinion there is no harm being done.
I do understand being upset that you didn't know he was talking to them on-line because that makes it seem like there is more to the story. I can see both sides of this issue. I would be upset if I found out he was talking to them on-line and hadn't told me too. My husband always tells me when he runs in to his former girfriends though, and I've always told him when I've run in to mine simply because we have nothing to hide. No, he doesn't go have lunch with the ex's nor do I have lunches with mine, but having a conversation is just that if it is truly a platonic friendship.
If you are really uncomfortable with it, then talk with your bf about it and maybe something can be worked out. I do know some people will have a totally different view about this thing though.
I too have the "nice guy" BF!!!!!! Way too nice to his EX GF!!!!!!!!!! It's caused major problems in our relationship because his EX was such a useless person I just for the life of me cannot understand how he could consider her his friend. They lived together for many years and the entire time they were together she had a guy on the side that came to their house to do the deed when he was at work. This continued for about 10 years! Why would someone be friends with that? It's caused enough problems that I've decided that when people meet...that's the first thing that someone should ask is do you stay in touch with your EX and if they do........RUUUUUUNNNN!!!! No seriously if it's an issue just don't persue a relationship with someone that has to keep every EX they ever had as a friend. For some folks it doesn't matter but for me it does matter and I cannot change that about myself!
keepsgoin- even though you dont agree with what he's donig by keeping her as a friend, are you still together and if yes, (even though it's caused problems) do you feel as if you two have a wholesome relationship even though he keeps in touch with these people?
Thank you for the responses, by the way. I feel tons better after reading them and realizing how accepting people are about their s.o's talking to ex's. It's comforting.
Last edited by volcomrxy21; 07-28-2006 at 09:25 AM.
Boyfriend being 'too nice'? Nah, I don't think that is it at all. If the lines of communication are up it means he has some kind of need to have his ex as a friend. I don't mean that in a bad was necessarily, sometimes people have trouble letting go of the past, but would never hurt anyone they are currently with by doing it.
I've been in this situation before, on both sides actually, and it was always the cause of a lot of arguments and jealous feelings...its only natural. Some people are much better at handling it than others. People often refer to those who have trouble dealing with that kind of thing as being 'insecure' or 'controlling'. Well, I'd rather think of it as having a lot to lose if things go bad and sometimes they do. We have all heard the horror stories, so you have to protect yourself.
It comes down to one thing and one thing only...respect! If it gets to the point where it bothers you so much that you can no longer tolerate it, you have to ask him to stop it, and if he refuses, then you should think twice about how much this guy respects your feelings. Allowing old flames to ruin a new and current relationship is NEVER a good sign.
when we discussed it last night, he told me that he will not be the first to contact her. but, if she were to email him, he will tell me, and email her back.
i can understand this. if there were a guy he didn't want me talking to and that guy were to contact me, i would innocently respond back. as long as it's innocent conversation. and i trust that he would not cross a line... and that he would keep it at innocent conversation.
he told me that our relationship means more to him than anything, and that he knew it bothered me that he talked to her, which is why he didnt' tell me.... so i wouldn't get hurt. but from now on, we made a promise to tell each other if we talk to or happen to run into an ex. its being open and honest and until i find out that he was 'secretly' talking to her again, i'm going to trust him.
You know, I used to think there was such a thing as being too nice, but now I'm not so sure anymore. I think the ability to forgive is probably one of the best traits you can find in a person. It is promising for you and your relationship in the sense that if you ever mess up, even a little bit, he's not going to hold it against you for the rest of your life.
I have had two types of boyfriends- the ones who hate their exes and don't speak to them any longer, and those who remained friends with their exes despite the circumstances surrounding the breakup. I prefer the latter. There is nothing appealling about someone who is bitter and can't let go. Obviously, if there are extenuating circumstances (like abuse, etc.), then that is a different scenario. And not everyone has to be friends with their exes- they may simply feel that they have nothing in common with them. But in your case, your boyfriend sounds like he has forgiven, and moved on, and is so happy with what he has now, what happened in the past really doesn't matter.
But he wasn't just talking to his ex...he was telling her how good she looked, how much he liked her hair, and how he wished she would have stayed with him. That isn't just talking to somebody because you're too nice to blow them off...that's flirting with someone.
I used to hang with my ex in the beginning of my current relationship. I didn't still have feelings for him, but I liked hanging out with him as a friend. But the moment I realized that bothered my boyfriend, I stopped seeing or talking to my ex and it really is no loss. My boyfriend is #1, and I'm not going to do anything I know hurts him.
he told me that our relationship means more to him than anything, and that he knew it bothered me that he talked to her, which is why he didnt' tell me
I'm sorry, but if he knew it bothered you then he should have just stopped communicating with her - not try to hide it from you. That's deceit. Personally, it doesn't sound like he is completely over his ex. And he isn't willing to put your feelings first. JMO.
The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~
gypsy- it's confusing because the first girl (the one he was talking to for 2 months i later found out, that he was telling her her hair looked good etc) that was a different girl. that was someone i guess he never even dated... just a girl he used to hang out with 3 or 4 years ago that got back in touch with him. he explained to her they can no longer communicate. he told me she means nothing to him, and i believe that... sometimes, especially talking online, we can tend to get more gutsy with things we say. he would not have said those thigns to her if he were face to face with her.
the 2nd girl, is someone who he was friends with even before during and after their relationship, which was 2 years, but he says was about a total of 6 months because they broke up often. he didn't cross the line with her on any conversations... he says... and i believe him.
after 2 years of breaking up, they both realized they weren't meant to be together 'in that way'. so i guess this is why i can be okay with him being friends with her.... i just want to make sure i'm not being too easy on him after the things he said to the first girl. (which he knows was very wrong and that he crossed a line)
My bad, sorry for the misunderstanding. Doesn't make it any better though, actually kind of makes it sound worse. But you are the one who knows him, and if you believe he is trustworthy, then that is all that matters I guess.
The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~
Well actually I am lucky and he's chosen me over her, so to speak. He realized that if he continued to talk to her that our relationship would not survive. There's a whole lot to this story but I don't feel like going all into it. Let's just say that he's gone way above and beyond the call of duty to make her life as comfortable as possible since she's left
The guy is probably very passive aggressive. There philosophy is to always be nice to the people they hate. It is a way of revenge. See how perterbed and confused you are by his behavior. That is the way others will feel too. Or he is displacing his anger for her onto you by talking to her. This is inappropriate and making you envious or bothered. It would be annoying, odd or anger making to any person.
Last edited by strongernow; 07-28-2006 at 03:39 PM.
For me, there is a difference between being nice and being kind. Nice has negative connotations. For me, being "nice", is giving without getting anything in return or giving more then you have, on the expectation of return. Kindness, is giving freely, only what you can give and expecting nothing in return. So, I guess it depends on why your guy is being so nice. Is he so forgiving, because he never really believed he was worthy of the ex? Is he still trying to earn her, and the others, admiration? If that is the case, I would be troubled by his behavior. But, if he is genuinely over the Ex, both of them, and is just giving what he can, I would worry less about these women. What really bothers me, in this situtation, is that he knows these EX's upset you and not only continues communication, but hides it from you. It's not like he's talking rarely. It seems to be a pretty regular occurance. Aren't you worth giving up old girlfriends for?
For me, I think I would have to ask him, if he thought our relationship was worth giving up a couple old girlfriends for. They aren't FRIENDS, they are old GIRLFRIENDS. If his answer was no, I'd have to be on my way.
Re: Need opinions on being 'too' nice/ forgiving ex's and chatting with them online
Originally Posted by volcomrxy21
I don't feel I have any reason to be friends with the one ex I have because he hurt me.
It's important to remember not to project your own experiences onto him and expect him to act just the way you would or the way you would want. Everyone is different...some people are more into keeping touch with past friends than others, some people are less tough about excising toxic people from their lives, and many people have many exes. If you are good friends and lovers with someone for several years, it's hard to just cut them out of your life if the relationship was good and there aren't hard feelings. I personally wouldn't be threatened by my bf being friends with his exes, because I would know he was with me now because he chose to be. It's hard not to be jealous, but jealousy is a very unproductive, destructive, and unattractive trait that is good to avoid if at all possible. I happen to be friends with a number of exes, in fact some of them were much more friends than lovers in the past except for brief, misguided periods, and I would be very turned off if a guy tried to stop me from being friends with them. To me, it indicates insecurity and a lack of trust, and those are things I cannot live without. But not everyone feels this way...I don't think there are any right or wrong answers, but you also need to pick your battles. Either this is a dealbreaker, or it is something you can avoid letting damage your relationship. I would definitely pick the latter and if I were you, focus on the present and the positive rather than worrying about anything negative from his past.