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Old 07-28-2006, 11:53 PM   #1
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nkfrisk HB User
Being the "other guy"

I've been seeing a married girl for the last two months. This is not something I would have ever done, but she told me that she was already separated from her husband. However, they are still living together. She says she can't afford to move out right away. I really like this girl so I thought that I should be patient while she sorts out her situation. But as time passed, it seemed curious that she never made any mention of divorce plans. And I felt rotten that she would spend time with me and then go back to the home that she shares with this guy.

Finally, I confronted her and told her that I couldn't handle the situation unless she could explain what was going on. She said that she wanted to move out, but her husband--who is finishing a PhD--begged her to stay for the time being and he wouldn't mind if she saw other people. She said that she is in love with me, but doesn't want him to become depressed as he's finishing his degree and asked me to understand the situation. I don't know what to make of this, but it seems I'm getting a raw deal. She doesn't want to upset this precious soul whom she doesn't love, but it's ok to upset the person she does love. And it seems very odd that he would need her to stay with him at this difficult time, but his delicate genius can handle her seeing someone else. She said that if I really wanted, she would leave him now. But it seems inappropriate for me to ask her to do that. And I wish she would do it herself without needing me to ask. What do you make of all this? We keep having these "maybe we should break up" conversations but then I miss her terribly within a day or two and we're back to seeing each other again.

Last edited by nkfrisk; 07-28-2006 at 11:57 PM.

 
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Old 07-29-2006, 06:01 AM   #2
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Re: Being the "other guy"

Hi I would say get away, find someone else who is totally available for you.

How do you know she isn't just wanting her cake and eat it to?

Her husband doing a Phd is obviously busy and spending some amount of time with that, is she feeling lonely and rejected, and is looking for some outside comfort and fun?

You say you are in love with her, but is she really with you? I would be very careful about the comment she made about he doesn't mind if she sees others, I would doubt that being true.

I would say, she is married, let her be, if she does love you as much as yourself, then she will deal with the marraige, and then find you again if she really wants to!

Maybe you both want different things from this, but she is being maybe awkward with you, because maybe deep down she doesn't want to leave this guy.

Good luck

 
Old 07-29-2006, 06:15 AM   #3
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ozzybug HB Userozzybug HB Userozzybug HB Userozzybug HB User
Re: Being the "other guy"

NK-
I gotta go with Brook on this one. I second everything she says. This girl isn't commited to you, otherwise she would be with you and not her "estranged" husband.

Either she is with him or she is with you. Who knows, she might be jerking both of you around and like Brook said, "having her cake and eating it too". In that case, it's not fair to either of you.

You deserve to have someone who is just as committed to you as you are to them. Don't be the "back up" plan for her. You deserve much better. If she truly did want to leave this guy I think she probably would have by now.

Put yourself first because she isn't doing that for you. She's putting him first it seems.

Lezlee

 
Old 07-29-2006, 06:40 AM   #4
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keepsgoin HB User
Re: Being the "other guy"

My guess is she is just filling you up with a load of BS! Move on and find someone single!
__________________
I tells it likes a sees it

 
Old 07-29-2006, 06:48 AM   #5
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Re: Being the "other guy"

What you both say seems spot on. But I really do feel that she loves me sincerely. She calls me throughout the day while she's at work. She is so tender when we're together and spends almost all her free time with me (except when she goes home to sleep). Her husband must be aware that she's seeing someone, so I don't doubt that part too much. I don't know their exact history, but I gather from a mutual acquaintance that he was cheating on her and then got her pregnant and she apparently ended up having an abortion. What she has told me is that he did something really bad to her, she couldn't forgive him and they decided to live separate lives...but he has since been very remorseful. I think she might be the type of person who is so non-confrontational and so afraid of hurting someone that she can't bring herself to action. I also suspect that she found her job through her husband's family and is worried for her job security. Logically I think I should walk away from this mess but I really share a strong chemistry with her and sometimes feel that I should swallow my pride and be more patient. Is there any chance of making this a real relationship, or is the situation so tainted that it can only lead to despair?

 
Old 07-29-2006, 09:32 AM   #6
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Re: Being the "other guy"

Quote:
Originally Posted by nkfrisk
Her husband must be aware that she's seeing someone
If everything here is so on the "up & up" you must certainly have her home phone number and be able to call her there, right????
If she doesn't want you to call her at home I'd say that's a pretty clear message.
Call her at home, call & talk to her husband and be up front with him.
I guarantee he'll be up front with you.

If you have any reasons that you DON'T call her house & discuss this, I would suggest that you take another look at the whole situation in the light of day.

 
Old 07-29-2006, 09:09 PM   #7
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Re: Being the "other guy"

welcome to the world of being the "other person"! Get used to it though, 'cause right now, her husband is clearly #1 even if she is staying until he finishes his degree or whatever. She needs to finish this relationship with him before even thinking of jumping into one with you or anyone else right now. And no matter what, she is with him during the night and they may still be having sex even though they are supposedly seperating. If I were you, I'd be very careful because he could pull you into court with this later and really mess up your world!!! But aside from everything else, it's just wrong. Period.. (but I think you know that already )...Good luck!

 
Old 07-30-2006, 01:38 AM   #8
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Re: Being the "other guy"

Hmm...this MAY not automatically mean she doesn't love you or care for you...why put herself through the stress otherwise?

This may be a bit similar to my situation several years back, except I was in the place of your gf's husband.

I had been with my partner for 4 years, and we were in a sort of open relationship (which I wasn't happy with, but at least we were still together that way)...my partner was seeing a couple of other people casually, never intimately or in any way comparable to our "primary" relationship...but then she met this girl who I suspected she was seeing "properly" but I wasn't sure...

While we were still together my partner and this girl were also together and growing ever closer...I learnt later that the other girl would cry at night at the thought of us still being together when she loved my partner so much...so she was the "other woman" so to speak and hated that feeling.

My ex also was so stressed by this and wanted to be with this girl but she also loved me (we'd been best friends for 4 years and then together for 4 years on top of that) even though she wasnt IN love with me anymore, and she really couldn't stand to hurt me.

So eventually we broke up and then I found out more about their deepening relationship, and it was horrible for a while but we're still best friends, and it's now 5 years later and she is still with "the other woman" (they're engaged) and I have been with my partner now for almost as long.

So...it's really quite a miracle how it worked out...no harm was done and we're still each other's absolute best friend. I wouldn't want it any other way.

So try not to judge too much your gf's actions in not leaving her husband...it may be she DOES love him and doesn't want to hurt him...it doesn't mean she's not IN love with you and doesn't want to be with you...just try and hang in there...(this is a very positive spin on things, mind you. She may not be being entirely honest either, but I don't know. All I know is my own experiences).

 
Old 07-30-2006, 08:13 AM   #9
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Re: Being the "other guy"

Well, if this guy was really as horrible and unfaithful to her as you say, she will hopefully leave him soon. Although you have to also be prepared that some women (and men too, I'm sure) will stay with a person who treated them horribly and will give them chance after chance to hurt them again. I hope this woman is not like that. I think it's troubling that she is willing to accommodate her husband's wishes after what he's done to her. She should have been out of there regardless, even before meeting you, but yet she seems to want to still please him and cater to his wishes. Why?? You have to be really careful here if you don't want your heart to be broken. So far you've only invested two months into this relationship. I don't think you should proceed under these circumstances. Perhaps you could tell her that you care about her very much and would love to be with her, but she needs to sort out her marital situation first. It's not fair of her to keep you hanging like this while she goes home every night to her cheating husband. Dating people who are not completely divorced can be very tricky.

 
Old 07-30-2006, 08:14 AM   #10
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Re: Being the "other guy"

I had an exhausting conversation with her. She is the most untalkative person I've ever encountered. I told her that in my view she seemed still to be together with her husband and I simply couldn't handle the situation any more. It took so much prodding to get her to talk candidly, I told her I suspected that she had never been available all along--she said that she was. Then I asked how any objective person could consider a married person, still living with her husband, with no divorce plans to be available. She said she would become available for me, which I told her was an admission that she is not currently available. She said that she did not love her husband, they hardly talk to each other and she wants to leave but he begged her just to stay with him until he finishes his degree and doesn't mind if she leads a separate life. This just seems crazy. She said she loves me, but can't totally stop caring about him after knowing him for 10 years. But she would leave him and be with me.
At this point, I told her that she needed to sort out her life without doing anything for the sake of someone else and I wouldn't consider a relationship with someone who wasn't independent. And I couldn't be any more than a friend to her. She asked if she could see me again after she left her husband...I said I couldn't let myself think about that. She cried for a long time and I mustered up some motivational advice about how she couldn't live so passively. She seemed so disconsolate, I had to give her many assurances of friendship before she calmed down and was able to leave.
I'm so worried about her. She has no real friends, can't say "no" to people and seems to have drifted through her whole life as a follower. She said that initiating the relationship with me was the first time she'd done anything for herself. She really needs a friend who can tell her to leave her husband and start living for herself, but I don't think it's my place to say this. The whole situation is so pathetic If she could just leave him on her own accord, I would do anything to help her.

 
Old 07-30-2006, 08:21 AM   #11
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Re: Being the "other guy"

You did the right thing! It's funny but that's what my advice was in the last post--we must have posted it at the same time lol.

I think you handled it perfectly. She needs to sort this mess out first. It's not fair to you otherwise. I really don't understand why she's still living with this guy. To me it sounds like an excuse. She owes him NOTHING, especially after he cheated on her. I mean, some people have no qualms leaving a spouse who's been good to them, so it's hard for me to understand why she won't leave him, especially that she has you and doesn't have to be afraid of being alone. Anyway, like you said, you cannot force her to leave and you've done everything you could at this point. Perhaps she's not emotionally ready to leave him yet. Do they have kids together?

 
Old 07-30-2006, 08:24 AM   #12
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Re: Being the "other guy"

SophiaM--I kind of agree with you, but it's not so straightforward for her to just leave. I gather she has little disposable income, her husband's family helped her get her job (which doesn't pay all that well) she has no family or friends in this city, rent is astronomical... She's basically living in an unfamiliar place and if not for her husband's studies and my presence, she would have no reason to stay here. So perhaps she was hoping for a stronger commitment from me before deciding her next move. Now that I've said all that in her defense, I wonder if I've been too demanding...

 
Old 07-30-2006, 08:31 AM   #13
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Re: Being the "other guy"

No, no children. She is only 27, married for 2 years.

 
Old 07-30-2006, 08:33 AM   #14
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Being the "other guy"

Quote:
Originally Posted by nkfrisk
SophiaM--I kind of agree with you, but it's not so straightforward for her to just leave. I gather she has little disposable income, her husband's family helped her get her job (which doesn't pay all that well) she has no family or friends in this city, rent is astronomical... She's basically living in an unfamiliar place and if not for her husband's studies and my presence, she would have no reason to stay here. So perhaps she was hoping for a stronger commitment from me before deciding her next move. Now that I've said all that in her defense, I wonder if I've been too demanding...

I see what you're saying. And it's never that easy; I should know as I'm a single woman living in a city where rent is astronomical and no one really helps me. Yes, it's very, very tough. But at the same time, what's the point of staying with someone who betrayed you? And why does he still want her there? Call me cynical but I highly doubt that they're not sexually involved with each other. Yes, mabye she's waiting to see that the relationship with you is a sure deal, but it's funny you mention commitment when she is really the one who can't give you one. You seem like a very nice and caring guy. But what can you do at this point? You can be nice and supportive but ultimately you have to think of yourself as well. What if she never leaves her husband? Many separated couples decided to "stick it out" in the end and stay together. She's not even willing to move out, not to mention divorce this guy. I know rents are high, but there's always a way for people who are serious about things--one can always find a roommate.

 
Old 07-30-2006, 09:06 AM   #15
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Re: Being the "other guy"

My sense is that she doesn't like living here, she doesn't like her job and a lot of people at her workplace are better acquainted with her husband than they are with her. I'm not such a nice guy either. I was with really caring girls in the past and broke up with them for superficial reasons. I've been having a horrible year...my dog died, i've been in a nasty workplace conflict, two dream job opportunities didn't pan out. I was really lonely and depressed when I met this girl and put the blinders on because i was so happy to have her company.

 
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