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Old 08-11-2006, 02:12 PM   #1
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My boyfriend rarely compliments me.

So, i've been with my guy for over a year now. We're in love with & most things in our relationship are great...but here's the thing...he's a very very good looking guy. He is somewhat confident and spends a lot of time in the mirror. i swear it takes him longer to get ready then it does me...and i'm picky about my appearance. I am always complimenting him about his looks and about how good he is at things.. etc. but i rarely get compliments back. It seems soo selfish to me... i'm not insecure, but i have had boyfreinds that have made me feel like the most beautiful thing on earth, and with him...i feel a little neglected. It's so hard for me to understand...does anyone have any reason as to why maybe he wouldn't be doing this. I know he is attracted to me b/c if he weren't he prob. wouldn't be with me. any comments will help.

 
Old 08-11-2006, 02:29 PM   #2
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Re: My boyfriend rarely compliments me.

well I had a BF like this and I would always be on him telling him that compliments are free, it doesn't cost you anything, blah blah blah. I said I think we should make a point to compliment each other daily about something.....anything.....he never would. Turned out he had NPD, narcissistic personality disorder, and once I read up on that it made sense.
I hope that's not the case with your guy.

 
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Old 08-11-2006, 02:41 PM   #3
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Re: My boyfriend rarely compliments me.

What has been his response when you expressed to him your thoughts on this?

 
Old 08-11-2006, 03:38 PM   #4
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Re: My boyfriend rarely compliments me.

I once had a friend like that - Maybe more like an aquaintance. People would compliment her on her looks all the time. She really was beautiful, but she never noticed when anyone around her got a new outfit, hairstyle, nothing. She couldn't, for some reason, acknowledge anything attractive in anyone else. The world of beauty only revolved around her.

Maybe some people are just too "in to" themselves to notice or compliment others. I bet if you stopped complimenting your bf on his looks though, he'd notice real quick. Just a thought.

 
Old 08-11-2006, 05:07 PM   #5
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Re: My boyfriend rarely compliments me.

Some people, and often it's men, just don't even think along the lines of complimenting other people on their appearance. I'm not saying your bf shouldn't work on it and try to compliment you more, but you should also realize that he just might not have it in his nature to express things verbally. Personally, I'm terrible at this, though as a woman I've learned to remember to compliment people because it's considered rude not to. But the guys I tend to go for are usually the type who don't explicitly state their feelings...some people are just like that by nature. When I wonder if it means that they don't really care, I remember that otherwise they treat me great and I couldn't be happier, and it's just the way they are. I posted a thread back about personality types, and it also helps me to remember with my current bf that he is the way he is, and I should focus on the positive stuff. I'm not sure if any of this relates to your guy, but just as an example, here is a description of my bf's personality that reminds me not to take it personally or get insulted about the fact that he doesn't verbally express how much he cares or likes me that often. Anyway, hopefully your guy is otherwise a good boyfriend, and you guys can learn to compromise on this and not let it negatively impact your relationship. Good luck...and I'm going to paste this stuff below so you can see what I mean about some people's personalities just not naturally lending themself that well to complimenting those they love:

"INTPs approach their intimate relationships quite seriously - as they approach most things in life. They take their vows and commitments seriously, and are usually faithful and loyal. They are usually pretty easy to live with and be around, because they have simple daily needs and are not overly demanding of their partners in almost any respect. While the INTP's internal life is highly theoretical and complex, their external life in comparison is usually quite simple. They like to keep the complexities of their external world to a minimum, so that they can focus their brain power on working through their theories internally. This makes them very straight-forward, honest lovers, with a love that is quite pure in its simple, uncomplicated nature.

Although they choose to keep things straight-forward in their relationships, this does not mean that the INTP is lacking in depth of feeling or passion. The INTP is very creative person, who has vivid imaginations. They can be very excitable and passionate about their love relationships. Sometimes, they have a problem reconciling the exciting visions of their internal worlds with the actuality of their external circumstances.

Sexually, the INTP usually approaches intimacy with enthusiasm and excitement. Some INTPs play down entirely the need for sexual relations in their lives, but most use their rich imaginations and child-like enthusiasm to make the most of the moment. The INTP will usually be experiencing the moment with vivid intensity inside their own minds, although this may or may not be apparent to their partner.

The largest area of potential strife in an INTP's intimate relationship is their slowness in understanding and meeting their partner's emotional needs. The INTP may be extremely dedicated to the relationship, and deeply in love with their partner, but may have no understanding of their mate's emotional life, and may not express their own feelings often or well. When the INTP does express themselves, it's likely to be in their own way at their own time, rather than in response to their partner's needs. If this is an issue which has caused serious problems in a relationship, the INTP should work on becoming more aware of their partner's feelings, and their partner should work on not requiring explicit positive affirmation to feel loved by the INTP.

INTPs do not like to deal with messy complications, such as interpersonal conflict, and so they may fall into the habit of ignoring conflict when it occurs. If they feel they must face the conflict, they're likely to approach it from an analytical perspective. This may aggravate the conflict situation, if their partner simply wants to feel that they are supported and loved. Most people (and especially those with the Feeling preference) simply want to be encouraged, affirmed and supported when they are upset. The INTP should practice meeting these needs in conflict situations."

 
Old 08-11-2006, 07:58 PM   #6
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Re: My boyfriend rarely compliments me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pinkkangaroo
So, i've been with my guy for over a year now. We're in love with & most things in our relationship are great...but here's the thing...he's a very very good looking guy. He is somewhat confident and spends a lot of time in the mirror. i swear it takes him longer to get ready then it does me...and i'm picky about my appearance. I am always complimenting him about his looks and about how good he is at things.. etc. but i rarely get compliments back. It seems soo selfish to me... i'm not insecure, but i have had boyfreinds that have made me feel like the most beautiful thing on earth, and with him...i feel a little neglected. It's so hard for me to understand...does anyone have any reason as to why maybe he wouldn't be doing this. I know he is attracted to me b/c if he weren't he prob. wouldn't be with me. any comments will help.
Just a few possible reasons I thought of off the top of my head:

-Because people in general who fish for compliments are annoying and needy.

-You look good, you know it, you like to show off every chance you get, you use it to your advantage and he doesn't think he needs to spell it out for you all the time.

-He's already got you anyway.

-He can get other women so he doesn't feel like he has to be Mr. Perfect.

-You can't have your cake and eat it too. A fat guy working at McDonald's would feel like he just won the lottery every time he looked at you.

-Because people in general who fish for compliments are annoying and needy.

-He shows his appreciation in other ways.

-Some people don't take compliments very well(eg. it goes straight to their head)

-Because people in general who fish for compliments are annoying and needy.


Not saying any of this applies to your situation but one or two or those might.

 
Old 08-11-2006, 08:48 PM   #7
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Re: My boyfriend rarely compliments me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chieftan
-You can't have your cake and eat it too. A fat guy working at McDonald's would feel like he just won the lottery every time he looked at you.
Lmao that is ridiculous.

 
Old 08-12-2006, 04:51 AM   #8
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Re: My boyfriend rarely compliments me.

I am the living example of an INTP described by Veronica Mars earlier. I will testify to the accuracy of what she described in her post. If your BF is an INTP, that would explain a lot.

Not only do I rarely compliment others, I don't take compliments well somethimes and I never need it.

In things that I'm sure about, I am so confident that it is down right errogant at times. This annoys my wife to no end.

The only doubt I see here is that I don't spend much time in front of the mirror. Anyway, I don't think this should come between you unless he starts to nit pick at you too.

 
Old 08-13-2006, 11:53 AM   #9
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Re: My boyfriend rarely compliments me.

thank u everyone for your posts and for taking ur time in helping me with my little problem. much appreciated ...i'll try to individually consider everything, and see what works best

 
Old 08-13-2006, 12:19 PM   #10
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Re: My boyfriend rarely compliments me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by minijumbofly
I am the living example of an INTP described by Veronica Mars earlier. I will testify to the accuracy of what she described in her post. If your BF is an INTP, that would explain a lot.

Not only do I rarely compliment others, I don't take compliments well somethimes and I never need it.

In things that I'm sure about, I am so confident that it is down right errogant at times. This annoys my wife to no end.

The only doubt I see here is that I don't spend much time in front of the mirror. Anyway, I don't think this should come between you unless he starts to nit pick at you too.
Hey, I bet we'd get along! I had to laugh when you said that you don't need ego stroking but are nonetheless VERY confident about the things you feel good at...that sounds just like my boyfriend! In general he's really laidback and low maintenance, but he gets downright cocky when he's golfing, making sure I know exactly how good it is when he hits an especially good shot. And he doesn't take compliments well at all, like you're supposed to, by just saying thank you. But like you said, some people don't need compliments from others, so it makes sense that they aren't inclined to give them out. It is true too what Chieftan said that it's not particularly appealing when people seem to really want or need compliments.

Anyway, some people really don't place a lot of importance on complimenting others, but it doesn't necessarily mean that they care any less than people who do compliment you a lot. If anything, I am suspicious of people who compliment me all the time, other than my mom . But with my boyfriend, it doesn't really bother me that he doesn't spend a lot of time telling me I look good or complimenting my intellect, because I am pretty confident about those things and anyway, other people compliment me. I know that he likes these things about me anyway without him having to say it, he makes it obvious how he feels.

HOWEVER, some people are just not comfortable being in a relationship with someone unless they get a lot of verbal feedback. If you are one of those people and your guy is by nature not a very verbally expressive person, then this might continue to bother you. My best advice is not to worry and to remember that if he did not really like you and feel strongly about you, he wouldn't be your boyfriend and treat you well. And talk is cheap! There are plenty of men out there who will sweet talk you like crazy but not mean any of it or else be out saying the same things to a lot of other women. In my opinion as long as you love each other and he treats you lovingly, there's no reason to focus on what he doesn't do. Hopefully it will all work out well for you...good luck.

 
Old 08-13-2006, 09:04 PM   #11
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Re: My boyfriend rarely compliments me.

One must develop self-worth and then you'll no longer need another person's approval.

 
Old 08-16-2006, 05:10 AM   #12
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Re: My boyfriend rarely compliments me.

Wow, can't believe the description for an INTP. I've always got INTP in any Myer-Briggs personality test that I've done...and that description rings true with me.

I have real trouble complimenting my boyfriend but it doesn't mean that I don't think he's awesome. I would tell him what I think if that came naturally to me. Like the other INTPs, I'm NOT good at receiving compliments. I wonder whether my difficulty in giving them, is a fear that I'll look like I'm fishing for compliments, will receive an insincere compliment in return and have to deal with the awkwardness of responding to it. Or perhaps that's just the INTP in me, over-analysing the situation?!

Anyhow, I think it's likely that some people are compliment-givers, and some are not. I think you've got to assess how loved you feel. So long as you feel loved, verbal compliments shouldn't matter so much?

 
Old 08-16-2006, 01:13 PM   #13
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Re: My boyfriend rarely compliments me.

Your bf sounds alot like me when my boyfriend and I started going out.I rarely ever complimented him but he always complimented me. I didn't because I usually keep my thoughts to myself, maybe he's just like me. The weird thing is that I've never had issues complimenting anyone else not even strangers. Sometimes we would go out and I really thought he looked nice but I would just keep it to myself, and I honestly didn't even THINK it was important to him.

Eventually he brought it up and was really upset about it and told me he wished I would compliment him more and asked me why I didn't. When he told me he wished I would compliment him more it made me feel REALLY pressured, and then I ended up analyzing him from head to toe trying to find things to compliment him which made me feel like if I was giving him a fake compliment ( I don't know if that makes sense)...It also made me feel really bad to think back on all those times that I thought he looked nice and never said anything about it. I know I would feel bad if I spent time getting ready for him and he didn't say anything about it.

Anyways I think you should bring this up to him and maybe suggest nicely that you'd want him to compliment you more.

 
Old 08-16-2006, 03:14 PM   #14
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Re: My boyfriend rarely compliments me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fabat40
One must develop self-worth and then you'll no longer need another person's approval.
I agree, but don't we all need a bit of approval from our loved ones? It's so sweet to know that your bf/spouse finds you special, attractive, and just plain notices. I think it's only human to want to hear that once in a while. I wouldn't want to hear lovey-dovey stuff every day, that would be a turn-off as I'm not inclined that way, but once in a while, to hear that you look beautiful, etc. feels sooo good, doesn't it?

Btw, when I was 20 I dated a guy who sounds like your bf, Pink. He was absolutely gorgeous, very fashion conscious, and SO into himself it really became boring after a while. He sometimes complimented me, but spent a lot more time on his own appearance and fishing for compliments himself. He would come to my house and start putting all my hair products on his hair--it was almost hilarious. He was the first guy I ever dated and one who made me feel the most inadequate LOL. Hopefully your bf is not that extreme.

 
Old 08-16-2006, 03:46 PM   #15
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Re: My boyfriend rarely compliments me.

LOL - interesting comments................

Well - I say you have every right to feel the way you do.
Boyfriends or Husbands - SHOULD compliments to their love ones.
Even when we feel or look crappy, when you are in love with someone it's not what's on the outside that they love but what's inside (haven't we all heard that before?)
100 Men can tell me I'm beautiful, but if it's not coming from my husband those 100 men who can tell me how beautiful I am means nothing, I wanna hear it from my husband............

Ofter gaining 40 ugly pounds and feeling soooooo like crap, my husband STILL continues to tell me how beautiful and awesome I look, I may not feel it but just the fact that he's telling me boosts my ego alittle.............

If you haven't heard it in over a year, 6 months, 3 months, or a month that he loves you and you are beautiful or that maybe TODAY you looked good, you are never going to hear it and that is something you want to consider what is important to YOU..........

 
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