Ok...I am 22, and secretly dating my bosses son. He's 30, and has been in a serious relationship with his girlfriend for the last six years. They own a home together, have a life together, but things have been going downhill for them for quite some time.
We (him and I) have so much fun together, we have alot in common and we genuinely care for each other. The sex is amazing and although I don't see a future with us (not a serious one anyways) I don't want this to end. No one knows about us, and having to not only hide it from his girlfriend, but also our numerous co-workers and his mother is getting strained.
I guess what I'm asking for here is opinions...am I being immoral by being with this man who is obviously already taken? Am I considered a ***** for my actions? How do you all feel about being the "other woman" in a mans life...personally, I feel no guilt, which might be wrong of me, but thats the way it is. I don't want a relationship with him, I am just enjoying the time we have together and the excitement of the secrecy.
OK, most people would definitely think that it is "wrong" and "immoral" to be with a man who is committed to another woman. But in my opinion, most people spend way too much time and energy judging other people, and the most important thing is to be happy with your own life. However, in general it is better to be honest...if I was going to point out anything about your situation that might cause you guilt, I think the fact that his girlfriend is in the dark about his infidelity would be the main thing. But otherwise, while the majority of people are going to disapprove of this, the truth is, most people are going to disapprove of how you live no matter what you do, because most people are miserable and bored with their own lives and therefore get some twisted pleasure out of condemning others. As long as you treat other people the way you want to be treated, I wouldn't worry. But still, you should be prepared for a lot of (not completely unfounded) disrespect and disapproval from society if things continue this way. On the other hand, my dad cheated on my mom (they got divorced when I was a baby) and is still, 20-something years later, with the other woman. She is a very kind and honest person, and the truth was, my parents were terribly mismatched and their relationship was dying anyway. In any event, I hope things work out for the best for you (and that you don't get jumped all over here...some people are very touchy when it comes to cheating).
I've had to draw a line somewhere, and for me it's marriage. When two people choose to marry they vow to each other. Until then, two people are free. These two haven't married, after 6 years, for a reason. At this point it becomes statistically less likely they will. So, at a certain point this relationship will end, unless they choose to make a binding committment. Having said this, your actions are deceptful and cheating, in your own eyes and in his eyes. It doesn't really matter what our opinions, of your behavior, are. It matters that you believe you are going against your own principles. So, can you live with a relationship YOU believe to be wrong? Are your beliefs correct and if yes, can you so easily toss them aside for simple pleasure? Because you believe this relationship is going nowhere, it can't be anything more. So, if you can toss your beliefs away, you'll have to live with that. If you can't, you'll have to do what you believe is right and take whatever action you need to make things right for yourself. If you don't know if what you are doing is right or wrong, I think you better decide quick.
On a side note, when a man knows you'll throw away your beliefs, for him, he knows he has you 100%. He doesn't have to work for you, to keep you and he can behave badly and take you for granted, and know you'll take it. He's behaving badly now by hiding you from his other lover. How do you know he isn't hiding another lover from you? If this relationship ever develops into something more, you'll know his patterns, because you are a part of them. So, when you see him hiding other women, from you, you won't be suprised. He's old enough to have created a moral standard for himself, it would seem that this is it. Can you live with his moral standard and take it as your own, as you are doing now?
Married or not, he shouldn't be cheating on her! Still, it's not as much your problem as it is his. I feel bad for the girl, if she really loves him and you don't want him seriously anyway. But, oh well, life is not fair. What kind of advice are you seeking? You seem fine with this casual sex arrangement and so does he. The only person who's in the dark is his partner, perhaps waiting for him to propose all these years. She's at the real disadvantage here, but then again, you don't have an obligation to her, so what do you care about? You're 22 after all and it will be easy for you to find another guy after this fling is over. Not trying to sound bitter, but well, wait till you're on the other side of the fence...
Once again Eve says it so eloquently, and I agree with everything.....
but one thing hasn't been mentioned, and I'm a little surprised.
This is your bosses son.....does your boss know about it? Also, you've had to have heard the saying that you don't craap where you eat, haven't you?
How much do you like your job, and is it worth losing/leaving if and when this thing blows up in your face? I'm not judging you, obviously as Eve says, your boyfriends relationship has gone on 6 yrs and no ring, so yes the odds get higher that it will ever come to that. But what kind of a guy is he who would do this to someone he's been with for 6 years?
Good point about the job, Rosequartz. NEVER GET YOUR HONEY WHERE YOU MAKE YOUR MONEY.
I also agree with Sophia, the only one in the dark is the live in GF, and I too feel for her. But, you know, I would ask her what her goals in life were and was being in a 6 year relationship, that is going nowhere, one of those goals. How long does a woman stay with a man without some kind of BINDING committment? And would you EVER go deeply into debt, on a house, with a man who hadn't fully committed to you? Understand me, I'm not blaming her for her decitful BF's behavior, but we all must ask ourselves how long we will wait for what we want, from a man and how much do we give while we are waiting? I don't think I would ever committ that much, time and money, to a man who hadn't made a binding committment to me. And, before the guys flame me, the guy isn't the only one hiding things here. I know that.
Thank you ruth, I've learned a lot of what I said from you. Especially the difference between a committment to living together and a binding committment made for life. So many of us think of marriage as disposable these days. If we believe that, how is it different then living together? There are differences. We've just forgotten them.
All of you guys have reminded me of the time when I was living with a guy back before I married. He and I were happy, well, at least I was until one day I discovered he was having an affair with a woman he worked with. At the time it has been going on for about 3 months and we'd been cohabitating for about 1 year. I was devastated. If felt like someone stuck a knife at my heart and my stomach and kept on twisting it. I remember at one point, I was so upset, I kicked him out of our apartment and I just stayed in bed all weekend, curled up, crying my eyes out. I didn't eat, didn't do anything but cry all weekend. The enormous betrayal that was done to me was unbelievably painful. Back then, I started to understand why some women loose faith in the opposite sex, faith in marriage and faith in commitment. But at the same time, I also promised that I wouldn't purposely hurt another woman.
Eve, you've taught me so much with your words of wisdom. I often search for your advices because like Rose said, say it so eloquently.
Tana, there's another woman you're hurting in the other end even if she doesn't know it at this time. I am a big supporter of women even though many has hurt me. We all need to support each other even when we don't know it. Like Eve said, if you can live with the morals that's going on within your relationship, then you don't really have a problem. But as I see it, you are here on this board asking people for advice, it's obviously bothering you.
Do the right thing even though it's the hardest thing to do. Good luck.
How long does a woman stay with a man without some kind of BINDING committment? And would you EVER go deeply into debt, on a house, with a man who hadn't fully committed to you? Understand me, I'm not blaming her for her decitful BF's behavior, but we all must ask ourselves how long we will wait for what we want, from a man and how much do we give while we are waiting?
Hey Eve, sorry but I have to disagree with ya. I don't think marriage is necessary at all in order for two people to prove their love. I have no respect for the institution of marriage since in my country, some people are actually forbidden from it. Which makes it seem more like a quaint, silly little clique than anything else, and I ain't interested in joining. I definetly would never go into debt on anything though, well mostly since I have a rule that I never pay for anything.
To the OP - it sounds like you are having a lot of fun, but this just seems like one of those situations that could come back to bite you in the butt in a big way. It's all fun and games for awhile, but as you are seeing, the strain is starting to catch up with you. I would just hope, for your sake, that you don't end up truly falling for this guy. Could get messy.
I think you're just still young and selfish - and hell I ain't judgin', because I'm about your age and pretty selfish myself, still. But hopefully this is something you grow out of, and don't end up being, say, 30 and still only thinking about your needs and no one else's. Then that would be sad.
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The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~
I disagree that most will disaprove how you live no matter what you do. Some thinsg are so fundamentally at odds with accepted ethical standards that they deserve to be pointed out. Doing what you are doing is dishonest at its core. One need not judge you as a person to point out the wrong being committed here. There are limits to what you should do towards seeking happiness. One of those boundaries aught to involve he consideration of universally accepted ethics - honesty and respect being a couple.
His gf is likely clueless. It is unfair to her to keep her in the dark while you know you are participating in an activiy that is a basic right for her to know. She deserves the dignity to make a choice. You deserve to pursue your happiness, but not when that pursuit is unethical at its core.
There is opportunity to rationalize this in all sorts of ways, but it wouild not change the the fact that you are conspiring to contribute to a great injustice to another person and would likely not wish this same to be done do you, were you her.
Hello All-
I've seen some very interesting posts and opinions on this situation and can understand where everyone is coming from. I have to point out a couple of things here.
First sweetie- this guy is your bosses son- it's not the best idea to "get your honey where you get your money" as another poster stated. It's not usually a good idea to mix the two together- especially when it involves the bosses son. Too many reprecussions if people find out.
This guy, whether he's married to his girlfriend or not, is in some kind of comitted relationship. They have been together for 6 years and own a home together. That in itself makes it clear there is some level of comitted relationship. I personally wouldn't want to stay with a man for 6 years without a "formal" marital commitment, but there are women and men alike who just do not feel that marriage is needed to have a long term relationship. This could be the case with your "bf" and his gf.
I'm not judging you, so please do not take it this way. You have to do what you are comfortable with, but sweetie, if the roles were reversed, and you were the girlfriend who had comitted 6 years of your life with this man, loved him, gave your heart to him, and invested in a home together with him. If you were the one basically living as his wife, cooking his meals, doing his laundry, keeping his home clean and comfortable for him, would you want another woman to come in and have the fun of having a secret, exciting sexual relationship with him?
You say that you aren't looking for a commitment, but then you also say that you don't want for this thing between you and him to end. It sounds like maybe there are some feelings being developed here. It's fine to want to be young and enjoy the experience of being free to be with whomever you want to be with, but, right now, this guy is in a relationship with someone else. What you are doing can and will hurt someone else when it comes out. Your job could be in jeopardy as well if anyone finds out what's going on. Then what happens? You lose your job, your exciting relationship with your bosses son and what will you be left with?
Again, I agree with another poster who said "treat others the way you would like to be treated". So, if you truly have no guilt over this whatsoever and would be fine with another woman and your bf doing this to you, then by all means, continue as you are. You might need to be prepared for the fall out though, because many times, these secret relationships don't stay secret but for so long.
In my opinion, cheating is cheating and it's wrong. Period. I'm not judging because it's not my place, but since you asked for other people's opinions, I had to put mine in there. I also have to add that if your "bf" is the kind of guy who will cheat on his gf of 6 years, then comittment probably isn't one of his stong points. You probably aren't his first sexual fling and probably won't be his last either.
Ok...I should further explain some things here (thanks for all the input though, its interesting to see different opinions)
For my job...I'm not concerned over losing it, because I'm going back to school in three weeks. As of then, I won't be employed there, not full time anyways. My boss doesn't know, and doesn't suspect a thing. In fact, she considers me one of her most valuable employees and we have a good relationship. I'm not worried about her finding out anything.
I completely understand that there is a huge committment between his gf and him...however, the committment at this point is mostly based on loyalty. He doesnt' feel the same way towards her, and things are slowly unravelling between them. She isn't happy with him, he isn't happy with her...its basically just they want to keep it together because of the history, and the home they purchased I think...then again, I'm just going on what I've been told and what I've seen. And, like I said before, I'm in no way interested in seriously being with this guy. I got out of a very messy relationship awhile ago, and have no interest in being with anyone for that matter. Right now, I just want to enjoy being single, and right now,that means enjoying what I have with him now. Which is alot of fun, alot of good sex, and a really good friendship.
I do feel bad for his gf...in some ways anyways. Alot of the problems in the relationship have been hers to own up to...they dont' have sex anymore because she doesn't want him sexually, she's always freaking out on him for stupid things, like going out for dinner with buddies of his...he's stressed out and has told her that her behaviour is driving him away,but she does nothing to change it. I know she's being kept in the dark, but thats not my problem...he can be open with her if he wants, but thats his decision. I'm just out to look after myself here, not her.
And as for morally, if I can deal with this? Yes, I can. I don't feel guilt, I am at a point in my life right now, where I left a horrible relationship, and am ready to finally make my own choices...I was in an abusive relationship and I never was able to do anything...now I feel free, and whether I am making the right choices or not, they're MY choices, and I'm happy where I am.
Hi Tana,
I've been reading these posts . I am a wife that has been on the recieving end . My husband started cheating a year and 4 months into our marriage. I know the things he says to these women. I've actually read them in Emails he's sent to them. And nothing he said was the truth with the exception that he was married and had two sons. The rest was bull. One thing you will find out as your life goes on is there are always three sides to a story, my side , your side and the truth. Unless you have talked to HER I would not believe ANYTHING he says about their relationship. Men like this guy that you are seeing will say anything to garner sympathy to get what they want from you and this guy did that. You see this as fun which is disturbing. Causing hurt intentionally to another is wrong. She will feel as if her heart was ripped out when she finds out. I am not one for wishing bad things on people but one day I hope you find out just how it feels to be the one betrayed .
One more thing,your boss will not feel anything like she does now for you after she finds out. It is usually just a matter of time before these things are exposed.
I would never want my daughter to do what you are doing. I would want her to respect herself more. I wouldn't want her to have her "fun" at the expense of another person.The fact you posted this issue says to me that there may be a part of you that has a problem with this.
I don't mean to come off preachy. I really don't. My hope is that you will end this soon.
I agree with Too Sweet. Men usually lie to the woman they are cheating with. Um, hello, obviously they are liars! They always say that their girlfriends/wives are not having sex with them anymore. Big lie. He is having sex with her, you can bet on that. If he was that miserable he wouldn't be with her anymore.
I know he is not lying to me, because his mother has expressed the same feelings about his girlfriend that he expresses to me. I know his mother would not lie about something like that, and she dislikes his girlfriend as much as he does. So thats not an issue with me.
And I am not having fun at the expense of someone else: he is. This is his relationship, not mine. And for the record, I have been cheated on in the past. I know how it feels, but I know how it feels when it wasn't warranted. He has expressed to his gf what would happen if the behaviour and treatment continued...she doesn't care.
I'm not wrong, I'm not doing anything bad...I am just having a fling with a coworker. I'm not cheating, he is.
I do feel bad for his gf...in some ways anyways. Alot of the problems in the relationship have been hers to own up to...they dont' have sex anymore because she doesn't want him sexually, she's always freaking out on him for stupid things, like going out for dinner with buddies of his...he's stressed out and has told her that her behaviour is driving him away,but she does nothing to change it. I know she's being kept in the dark, but thats not my problem...he can be open with her if he wants, but thats his decision. I'm just out to look after myself here, not her.
Hmm..I take it she's sat you down and explained all of this herself. If not, you're hearing this secondhand, correct? Who are you hearing it from? Is this person credible? Do they have a tendency to lie? Would they possibly have a motive to keep the truth from you?
Sorry, but I take the mother's statements with a grain of salt. She is getting this info from her son, right? Or is she feeling sexually deprived from this woman, too?
I mean, if you're happy with your role in all of this, so be it. But rationalizing "being the other woman" partly based on statements he's said to you about his home life is living your life wearing rose-colored glasses.
What I can't understand is how you would choose to stay in this situation coming from a previous bad relationship. I know you said you need to think about yourself, make your own choices, etc. Does all the lying, sneaking around, thinking about him lying in bed with her in their home really make you feel good?
I'm just trying to look at this with a bit of common sense. People cheat. Not all, but some do. No judgment here. But, man, if I had a dollar for every time I've read on these boards alone just the last six weeks this excuse of cheaters, "I'm just not getting it at home, my spouse is a nag," I could quit my job. Isn't there a better line these folks could come up with to get into someone else's pants?
As a woman that's living with a man and have also been married, I'm going to say to treat him as if he was a married man because as far as my relationship with my BF...he's basically just as committed to me as any husband would be to a woman. We are married without a ring or piece of paper. I suppose not everyone's relationship is like this but his GF probably feels just the same as if he were her husband. I believe that he's a cheater and this is cheating just as if they were married. Expect that if you get caught for everyone to treat you like dirt and be mad as H at you...this is how it goes down because I've seen it happen. I am not trying to judge you because I've done some things that I personally have been treated like I'm dirt so that's why I'm saying this because I know from experience. It seems fun and exciting but people will not be real pleased with you if they find out what y'all are doing together behind closed doors! If you don't care with they think of you then go for it.
Tana,
One more little thing.... If he is that terribly unhappy then he should leave THEN find someone . You are just as much to blame as he is. You are participating ...... Unless his mother is living with them I would not take her word as gospel either. She is, like a previous poster said, getting it from her son.I also think discussing her son's gf isn't right in the work place. that honestly would be none of your business anyway. Since you know how it feels....why do it to someone else? Like I said, three sides to every story. He's that unhappy leave,sell the house and move on. End of story. Be a man about it not a coward. And in my eyes that is what he is. That is exactly how I see my husband,soon to be ex as soon as I can manage it. You better believe that guy is still sleeping with his wife. I wish you would really listen to the wisdom offered here to you and take it to heart. Look him in the eye and ask him why he doesn't just leave her?If he can't maintain eye contact don't believe him. They have no kids I hope. If they don't the whole thing is simpler. She has the right to know if she is being exposed to anything , she also should have the right to seek happiness with someone who will respect her and love her not cheat on her like this guy. You don't know her , certainly in no way enough to call what you two are doing as "warranted".
Sherri
Last edited by Too Sweet 74; 08-12-2006 at 02:34 PM.
