A while ago, my ex (aka, love of my life, my other half, most intense relationship, planning to marry him, etc.) ditched me in a heartbeat with no explanation for another girl who lived in his building. Lied about it too, saying there was no one and he wanted to be alone. I was the biggest wreck Ive ever been and was in therapy for a few months.
Anyway, lately Ive been doing a lot better, and Ive realized Im clearly better off without him and I dont want him back, and Ive been dating again and have him out of my head as much as I have since this happened. I pretty much hate him and think hes an immature, selfish a-hole to be blunt. Sometimes I get down about him but I havent cried over him in months.
Last night I couldnt sleep, so I go on this certain website where you can keep in touch with your friends (its very popular you may know what I mean). Well, I look under one of my friend's friends, just poking around and wasting time, and all of a sudden my ex's picture pops up. And his profile is right there. I felt nauseous and very ill, and I cried until 4:30 am. Just over everything. I dont know if he and that girl are still together, but it appeared to be that way.
Today my curiosity got the better of me, and I started feeling like i could handle it, so I took a peek. They are still together, they seem serious and of course I start sobbing uncontrollably. There were even pictures that popped up of them all over each other that I didnt want to see that I was unprepared for, and things they said to one another.
Im frustrated & embarassed that its been so many months and Im still thinking about him, and Im sick of feeling sorry for myself. What makes me mad is that its clear that he doesnt think about me at all and Im STILL lamenting and sitting here crying when hes off with her.
I dont even know why I post on here, b/c I know what everyone will say. ANd I know what to tell myself to think. But I cant get rid of the thoughts flying through my head: mainly, the insecurities. And how "its not fair", how will I find something like that again? and all that. Ive never had such a blow to my overall self-esteem and confidence- when one person who you think you are the world to just tosses you out with no warning and moves immediately on without any mourning or second glance, I mean. It would be one thing if she was just some distraction. But it hurts to see she isnt. And I cant help wondering if hes happier with her, or if she means more than I ever did. I guess I just still cant get over it.
First off, the 'friends website' you go on to basically spy on your ex can be extremely damaging to you right now and I would highly recommend that you NEVER look at it again no matter how badly you want to. The reason is that it is so easy to misinterpret and read into things we see on people's pages...it can paint one picture when the reality is quite another. Don't even give your imagination a chance to do this to you...just ignore the page and don't go back no matter what.
I'm speaking from experience when I say that actually. I recently had someone leave me in March and I had to promise myself to never look at my ex's webpage ever again as it was absolutely driving me crazy. I never looked back and it helped me recover from our breakup much faster with much less pain.
Secondly, don't be embarrassed or ashamed of yourself for still having feelings and not being able to get over them just yet. Beating yourself up over it won't help you any at this point. The very best thing you can do, seriously, is to stop probing into his life and start making a new one for your self. You may be surprised what you find out there.
Will it be difficult to push yourself foward? Sure, no one says breakups are are easy. In fact, I've never heard anyone ever say that. It's supposed to be difficult and its gonna hurt. Time passing isn't always enough to numb that pain...you need new, positive life experiences without that person in it to drive you foward.
1. Stop spying
2. Experience a new life with friends/family/new men
Hi, thanks for your response. I havent looked at a single thing until now, since the breakup. Reason being is exactly what you said- I needed to move on and heal. I knew it would hurt me.
This time it was different because I was minding my own business and boom, there he was. I didnt go looking for him or probing into his life. Yes, I shouldnt have actually clicked on it, but then again, I thought it would be fine and that it would be like me looking at anyone else's site that I knew. And I was wrong. So, I agree with you on the stop spying, but I feel it would be a lot different if I was going and purposely looking for info about him...I was acutally pretty angry last night when Im just clicking along on my computer and there he is...its like, cant he just disappear! I was doing so well!
As for new friends and family experiences, Ive been having those, and yes theyve been great. Ive realized that Ive done things now that I would have never done had I been still with him. I also realize I dont want him anymore.
Theres just still something about what he did to me though that I cant get past. Mainly, the deception, the betrayal, the complete loss of what I thought we had and how it happened in the blink of an eye and no second thoughts or even remorse on his side. Thats what comes rushing back to me when I get reminded of him...the hurt. Not me missing him or wondering why he isnt with me and not her. Frankly, I hope for her sake he doesnt do the same thing to her.
Thanks though- I know what you mean about not beating myself up about it...I do it everytime and everyone says that to me too, to be easy on myself. I guess I just want him 100% out of my life, head, mind and heart and its not happening fast enough.
Just to make clear, I didn't mean spying in a negative way. What I meant was you came across his page and could have ignored it if not for your curiosity. Not easy to do, but its necessary at this point I feel, so I'm glad you agree with that.
It is also very good that you understand the difference between the pain he has caused you versus feelings you may still have for him. That fact that you can distinguish the two is a good sign and that means you can work on them. Remember that we are often left scars from past events, but the most important thing to remember about that is just because it happened in the past, doesn't mean it will ever happen again...don't let it ruin any potential happiness you could have in the future or any potential relationships. The worst thing you could do is hold it against someone new.
The good news is that you have experienced true heartache and pain and this means that there is little left to fear. You know now that this pain won't kill you and actually makes you stronger. You can experience new relationships knowing that you'll never have to be afraid to feel that pain again because you are strong, experienced, and can handle anything.
Thanks Lamotta that was very insightful. Yes, I could have ignored it, and did so for a whole day and then I just couldnt take it any longer...hard to do. I know now that Id rather not know I guess...part of me kept thinking "if I just know then I wont have to concoct all these scenarios in my head", but in the end, I do the same anyway even if I get a little piece of truth on these sites. Its a viscious cycle.
I dont have feelings anymore for him, although I know I still 'love' the old him, the one I knew. I think in a way Im still in love with our whole relationship because it was amazing til that last month. But he is a stranger to me, he has changed that much, even his friends say so (also from what I gather from the profile I looked at- it actually screams 'conceited' imo). Regardless of that, I think one of the reasons why its so hard for me to get past the pain he caused me is b/c of what we were. Its like Im in denial that the love he seemingly had for me could just up and disappear like it did. So part of me keeps hoping (I guess, subconsciously) that he will realize and that way it wont be like I meant nothing. When I look at these sites and I see that this girl he left me for is a serious thing, it makes me feel like I was worth nothing to him- he just replaced me with someone better to him. Its hard to deal with emotionally...not good for the sense of self. So all in all, that is what seems to be lingering after all these months. I wont go back to therapy because I feel like Im past that point, I just dont know if this feeling of worthlessness can go away. I know I can be worth something to someone else again, and I know Im a good person with lots of amazing qualities (I think I'm special!) but when the one you love shows you you're disposable to them, I dont know how you can make that feeling ever go away.
It is good to see you make progress since the original post.
Yes, keep telling yourself that "you're special". Make it a habit when you wake up in the morning and before going to bed. It's kind of a self re-enforcement therapy. There are mediatation experts that can help with the details.
Also, select your free time activities carefully. This whole relapse started when you were killing some time and wondered into this open door (website) which ended up blowing up in your face.
Until you are to the point that you don't scramble emotionally when you think of him, it's better to avoid coming into contact with past pictures, news, places etc.
You MUST build up your protective shield.
Besides, how could you possibly believe that you won't find your soulmate for the rest of your life?
There are 6.5 billion human beings on this planet. Let's just say that only 0.00001% of that is in the right gender and age group with potential qualifications. ( That is one in 10 million just so you know ) There will be roughly 650 candidates waiting for you to interview.
Now, if you line them up, date 1 per day Mon-Sat. ( Please take Sunday off and rest, as most of the preliminary meetings are more work than fun.) Discounting some that will fall out by themselves, you'll still be booked up through Aug 2008.
So you see, the evidence is all there. All scientific and logical and all. Now get busy, you have a loooooong line of guys waiting for you.
Wow, minijumbofly, that was a rather amazing way to look at it! Very encouraging for all of us actually.
I just want to add that I know what it feels like to believe you are someone's everything and then have that person cut you out of their life completely. You do feel a sense of hopelessness, helplessness, embarrassment, loss of self esteem, loss of indentity, etc. These things, I most assure you, are completely normal.
You know, I wish I had the 'magic formula' for how to instantly overcome those feelings, but the truth is that it just takes time. You can't force those feelings away any better than you could force someone to love you. However, there are a lot of things that you can do to help.
Besides avoiding all contact with him all together, the main emphasis of your time now should be focused on reestablishing your sense of self worth. I don't think I'm wrong when I say that a majority of the reason you feel the way you do right now is because you have come to rely on his opinion of you as absolute fact for so long that you don't hardly value your own opinion of yourself anymore.
The lesson here is that people are people...they are unpredictable, uncontrollable, they come and go...things change and so do people. The ONE thing you can control in the midst of all that is YOU. You alone are responsible for believing in your self and recognizing your self-worth.
Ever heard the saying, "If a person stands for nothing, they will fall for anything"? This is also true for the opinion you hold of yourself. If we don't firmly believe in ourselves and are constantly look elsewhere for approval and appreciation, we will CONSTANTLY be let down! Think about that for a minute, how many people in your life actually know how to talk to you? How many people know exactly the right things to say to you to make you feel better and are always there to do so?
The source of this dialog must come from within...its how you talk to yourself on a daily basis, the inner self-talk, that makes all the difference in your life...how you view yourself and what you believe to be true about yourself.
So remember, you valued your boyfriends opinion of you when it was sure and solid, but there is absolutely NO REASON to believe that just because he isn't here now, that this is a poor reflection upon yourself. What he does with his own life is his own problem. You are still the girl that he fell in love with, but it was HIM that changed and its NOT YOUR FAULT.
But, thats fine, because it won't be long before someone else comes along and appreciates all you have to offer unconditionally and would never leave you. In a way, your ex did you a favor...he freed you up so that you can finally meet that guy
Wow. I think that might have been the most insightful and on-point advice Ive ever gotten on these boards. THanks, you two, you made my day (and minijumbofly you cracked me up).
Everything you both say is true. I actually feel much better today. I still get choked up and I still think about it from time to time. It also doesnt help that Im stuck on this island at the beach taking care of two kids for a week with no contact with my outside world Im used to...so 'choosing my activities wisely' is difficult, plus i hate this job so that puts me in a perpetual bad mood which I dont think is helping the situation. Mainly, I have a ton of downtime which allows me to ruminate a lot, and my computer and books and phone are all I have (no TV here). So that doesnt help the situation.
Regardless of all THAT, you're absolutely right. I did start to rely on his opinion of me over my own. A lot of it had to do with him being religious and looking down on me a lot, and while I wouldnt take it and stood up for myself/tried to understand where he was coming from, its hard to put aside how he made me feel now, after what he did- the worthlessness feeling went up about 110%. I also always think that deep-down I loved him more, even though he seemed to really love me at the time. But you're right Lamotta, in that I believed so much in what he said as the ultimate, unbreakable truth that when it ended up in the complete opposite way, its almost as if i completely lost my opinion of myself. You are both right though in the sense that I know I can meet someone else (Im only 24), and I feel OK to trust someone again surprisingly. I do need to work on just making sure I know Im great, because I really do think Im extremely wonderful and was beyond amazing to him, and I think hes an absolute moron for giving me up and going on to THIS chick, but thats beside the point. I think u hit the nail on the head there Lamotta with that being the underlying problem.
Anyway, today I decided that Im not even going to talk about him anymore to my friends or family. I just realized- hes not thinking about me at all, he doesnt give a s***, Im nothing ot him anymore, so why am I giving him this much credit by still being so upset? Clearly hes a stranger. So I just need to stop reminiscing and wondering where the old him went and why he isnt coming back, and I need to not even give him the credit of putting so much of my heart and soul into him STILL. Hes not worth it. And, Im really going to continue doing thing for me, which is what Ive been doing these past 8 months- I got a new apartment, I was chosen for a very challenging and great career starting next week, and Im going to work on taking care of myself and so forth. It sucks that I stumbled across him when everything was going so well, but maybe is the one last kick in the face I needed to snap into the reality that this is really, truly over and people can change 100% at any minute. I need to stop still thinking of him like I know him, b/c clearly after what happened, I dont.
One last thing- you two are both males and I dont think Ive ever gotten such intelligent advice from men maybe ever...haha so theres hope for me right there with good guys...I hope I will find someone better
I haven't posted for a while, or been around, because - same as you - i've been trying my damn hardest to move on and rebuild my life after my breakup, which was around the same time as yours. Just reading your post I was sitting here nodding, as it was like you were describing my exact feelings! I just want you to know that you're not alone, and I am beginning to see that these feelings are totally normal (as our breakups were kinda similar, were both longterm, both "involved" other girls and they happened about the same time) we seem to mirror what each other is going through!
I don't know if you remember but a couple of months ago the same thing happened to me - I clicked on my ex's page, really couldn't resist the temptation, and it was awful. I totally broke down, seeing him and this girl he got together with like 2 weeks after he dumped me (telling me he needed to be single but he still loved me and lots of other crap) and loads of stuff about how they love each other and looking so happy. It was so awful and I wouldn't recommend doing this to anyone (but the truth is its so so easy and so so tempting to sneak a peak) But after examining the situation I began to realise that just because someone's so blatantly trying to tell the world they're happy and everything's perfect, doesn't mean it's the truth. He had also changed his status to "married" , and this actually cracked me up because for one thing they weren't married, and for another it's just a blatant attempt to try and prove how great things are for them. I saw this about what must have been 5 months into their relationship (well it was about that long since we'd broken up) and I just now think of him as desperate and a loser (because of many other reasons too, but if the webpage thing were to pop into my head). We were together for 4 years, and even though things went bad eventually, we were in love and did have a lot of good times. But the difference is we never felt the need to fling it in the world's faces, or tell everyone all the time, or try and prove something. It was our love, a private thing between us that didn't involve anyone else. Now if I ever think of what he did to me, or him being with this girl, I remember to tell myself how sad he is, and what a loser he must be to cut someone out of his life (that he supposedly loved) to replace her almost immediately and forget she ever existed. I don't know what he feels, and truth is I don't even know what kind of a person he is now, but like you, I do still miss the old him and the love we used to have. Sometimes I actually tell myself that "that him" is dead and gone now, and now all that's left is a different person who I don't know and don't connect with, and this girl is quite welcome to him! Who knows if he ever misses me, but its quite likely that with this amazing romance he has going on he doesn't have the brainspace to think of me or anything that happened. Like it's easily blocked out by having someone else in their place (healthy, huh?)
Anyway, i've kind of gone off the point a bit here, but - same as you again - everything had been going brilliantly for me the past few months, but I have been having a down patch at the moment (although not nearly as bad as some of my previous down patches!) but I think it's all still part of the healing process. I began to realise recently that, after a long term relationship breaks up, you really have to live through all the seasons of the year to get over them. For example, if I was still with my ex, I would have been spending time with him and planning a holiday, as its the summer, but everything is different this year. And I really miss my friends as i'm away from uni at home at the moment. I just can't wait for the new term to start so I can start doing what I really enjoy again! Again, i've waffled on about me (think I needed to tho, I haven't done it for a while! lol) but just want you to know that its normal to feel what you're feeling, and we're both already moving on in a great way (we both have no desire to get back with our ex's, and are doing new exciting things with our lives)
Hi Raaar, good to hear from you, I was actually thinking of you as I was writing this thread b/c I knew you were going through a similar thing and I was wondering if you'd respond
Well as I was reading what you wrote, I was nodding too! Its funny, b/c my ex on his status put 'divorced' and his new girl put 'swinger', and both of them are just total immature idiots basically. He was never that stupid with me, its like I totally dont even recogize him. But I dont even need to waste my time bashing them b/c Im bigger than that (trying to be anyway haha). Your ex sounds like an immature one too, what with the "married" and all. Mine jsut sounds super conceited. Either way...not attractive.
I know what you mean though about going through all the seasons of the year. Im giving myself til December (thats pretty much when this all went down last year) to really just wipe my hands of having him in my mind frequently. Because you're right, every new event/season/holiday that youre doing now single that you did with your ex the year before just hurts. Its a constant reminder. So after a whole year, hopefully I wont be reflecting back on him, but on all the good stuff Ive done as a single person since then. Thats my plan anyway. I also tell myself that the old him is dead and gone (exactly what you wrote), and hes pretty much been dead to me since around april or so, but then when I have to get reminded that he still does exist and then get to see how hes moved on (or, that it still lasted, when I thought that girl was just a quick distraction to get over me. Ha), well its like mourning the death all over again. But, its like I said earlier, he doesnt even deserve the credit I give him still. He doesnt deserve these thoughts or even the energy that I put into writing these posts. However, I do it for me, but I just wish I could get to the point that I do things for me without having to do them b/c I feel upset.
Anyway I did meet a nice (seemingly so) guy a month or so ok and we've been chatting frequently. He doesnt know much about what I went through (and if I told him, Im sure hed run away) but he knows Im bitter and that Im extra sensitive at this point in my life. Im not sure if hes my type, but then again, the 'exotic, dark, gorgeous and foreign' type I usually go for, well clearly with my ex we know how that turned out. Regardless, if anything does develop, I hope it will be a step in the right direction. But you're right raaar, I do feel sory for my ex...what a way to completely just cover up the confusion in your life by replacing a person you said you 'loved' with someone else. Call me crazy, but I guess Id like to think that people you 'love' arent easily replaced. Goes to show we're not meant to be together after all
Thanks for your post, they always help!
I haven't read everyones responses, but I would I have kept up with your posts, just don't think I have actually wrote anything..but one thing I would like to add...
It may be irrelevant to what your feeling right now, and trust me I know what your feeling-exactly...but one thing to remember is don't judge a book by its cover.. i'm sure you know where i'm going with that. People always like to make other people/viewers think everything is all peachy keen with there "cute couple photos", and comments back and fourth and such when really on the inside it's nothing like that.
Our imagination can do horrible things to us..don't let it do that to you!
Yeah Citygirl don't look up certain profiles again! you are rubbing salt into your own wound.
I would say you feel that you have relapsed again, and feel very unhappy and sad again, not because you miss the fantastic guy he was, (sarcasism), but I would say it is your pride that has been wounded!
The thing is, you have realised that this guy was bad for you, and no good, so remind yourself that your tears of pain are for yourself, and not really for him!
When you meet a decent genuine guy, and your self esteem recovers, believe me you will look back and think, thank god he went, he did me a big favor.
Stay positive, and remember don't make make yourself suffer needlessly, don't look at those profiles.
Hahaha thats pretty funny minijumbofly. From the way you quoted me I sound like a naive, dreamy little teenybopper!
Nah, of course thats not why Im having a real hard time, but yeah he was good-looking, it was a nice added bonus And sadly Im super-attracted to those type of guys. Ugh. However, of course I loved his personality and the way we just clicked and thats why I was with him- if he was just good-looking and that was it, I wouldnt have been with him. But it was nice to be hugely attracted to someone every minute of the day As far as the "dreamy fantasies about my heroic prince", I think that this breakup made me pretty jaded and cynical about love, and maybe before that I was living in a fantasy a bit. You may be right there. Other people have told me the same stuff though...the good-looking ones are typically trouble. He just seemed different b/c he seemed to have outstanding morals and was different than other guys. Ha. Thats a joke to me now!
I was his first serious gf too, which I think is the main part of the problem. And the fact that hes very immature and selfish. His new girl lived downstairs and is in his dental program, so how lazy do you have to be? He doesnt have to put in any work, whereas with me, he had to get on the subway and actually make an effort. Guess that was too much for him! After a year+ of long distance its amazing that he moves to the city FOR ME and forgets all about me in a month. But, I digress. Most people say he'll probably do the same thing to his new girl, but I dont know if I believe that.
And as for getting off this island, yeah no kidding! Its miserable enough here as it is (thankfully one more week of this ****** job) but then when I have to run across info. on him like I did, its the worst place to be to have to cope with that. And my friends are only reachable via phone, and Im pretty social, so I feel as though Im going through withdrawal which adds fuel to the fire.
Anyway to be honest, Im glad I looked at his profile. It gave me a huge, hopefully final, slap in the face I think I needed to realize that I still put too much emphasis on him and what we had and that hes not worthy of any of it, as clearly I take up no percentage of his thoughts anymore. Hes not coming back, what we had as a couple has disappeared from his mind and therefore it should disappear from mine. Its a hard lesson to learn about people, and ones that you think you know like the back of your hand. Especially when you believe someone to be one way, and they turn out the opposite.
But as it says in the title, its been 8-9 months, and this is the first time Ive been upset over him in a while (obviously spurred by what I saw). He hasnt really had a strong presence in my thoughts for months. But I actually think I just have to cry sometimes to heal, and I think this has helped me squash those 'dreamy fantasies' that he misses me and will someday realize the err of his ways, blah blah blah.
oh- also, thanks brook for the post, you're right, its my pride and ego thats been crushed and I dont think a blow like that can be cured quickly. Those qualities in a person are fragile. Its taken this long to get it to where it is, and its still not back to its original state And Lamotta put it best, I valued his opinion so much that now that his opinion of me did a 180, Im sort of lost...but Im working on it every day