It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 08-16-2006, 09:02 PM   #1
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 20
koala cute HB User
Ex-boyfriend's mate

I've been friends with my ex-boyrfriend for months now. We have even talked about what our 'relationship' was. We both had an understanding that it was catching up, going out, usually with mutual friends and usually spending the night together. I told him it would not continue when/if I found someone new. He understood that I wanted a relationship. I thought that was all cool. But I think I have crossed the line, and what has happened is too close to home. I have become close to one of his mates, and last weekend we kissed, and the ex-boyfriend saw us, and exploded. I went back to the mates place, I couldn't drive home, too much to drink, and this is a problem for me. Anyway after a while we ended up in bed together and the ex came around, peering in his window, and started yelling at us, banging on the window, it was horrible. I have been told not to contact the ex-boyfriend again, and the mate, well they will never be mates again. I don't know at this stage if it was just a one night stand or it can be more. I feel very sad that I have hurt the ex's feelings, because it was not done intentionally, but also confused that he reacted so strongly. Was this just because it was his mate? The mate is not sorry it happened, but I feel badly that they are now not mates. Am I really out of control, am I just looking in sex what I should be looking within myself, happiness. I'm at breaking point. Please help.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 08-16-2006, 11:10 PM   #2
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 470
plasva HB User
Re: Ex-boyfriend's mate

Hello,
You said you were still sleeping with your ex, but with the understanding that it would stop as soon as you found a "real relationship," correct?
I think your ex is probably unable to be sexually involved with you in ANY way (even holding hands, kissing, hugging) without also remaining emotionally involved. He may not even realize this, but this is the reason he came sneaking around to catch you with his mate. And his continued emotional involvement explains why he was so upset.
It's just a bad idea to have any kind of friendship with your ex for quite awhile. After you have BOTH completely moved on (which could even take up to a few years), a friendship might work. But you really need to stay away from him completely until much time has passed and he is happily involved with someone new.
You have a right to seek a relationship that will make you happy, but you have to be absolutely sure you're not leading on your ex to think getting back together is a possibility. Because even if you tell him it's not and that you are looking for a relationship elsewhere, if you are physically involved with your ex in ANY way, a part of him will still have that hope.
And that's not fair to him, or you. You need to move on completely, too.

The only thing that works for me is to cut off all contact. That means no phone calls, no email, don't even visit his website. Create a new life for yourself and allow him to do so, also. Let him know you didn't mean to hurt him and are sorry if you did, that he deserves a real relationship, and then give him his space.

Then, before you start dating, take a long time (months, I'm serious) to think about what you really want in a boyfriend. Don't have a rebound relationship. Do some major thinking and reflection instead.

 
Old 08-16-2006, 11:34 PM   #3
Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Columbus, OH
Posts: 69
caladbolg HB User
Re: Ex-boyfriend's mate

Well I agree with the above poster that you need to move on, and have a right to seek new relationships. But the ex's friend? Um.. worst idea ever. Yup, you crossed the line.

Are you seriously confused why your ex would react so strongly towards this situation? Gee, I'd get pretty ****** if my so-called "buddy" hooked up with my ex-girlfriend that I'm still "seeing". Isn't that just a rule of thumb? To not hook up with a friend's ex? He feels completely betrayed by you and him for sure. Did you expect your ex to just be cool with the fact that you've moved on away from him and onto his buddy? Not a chance, sorry. His actions are completely understandable, at least to me - he's one ****** off dude.

Not sure what you mean by "you didn't do this intentionally". You kissed, you ended up at his house, then later on his bed. What part of this was unintentional? It takes two.

To answer your last question: yes, it was because it was his mate, and of course his mate isn't sorry it happened. The fact that this even happened proves that he never respected their friendship to begin with, and he got some piece of a** out of it. He's thinking, "hey, what's there to be sorry about?" You, on the other hand, shouldn't feel too sorry about the fact that they're not friends anymore due to the reasons just mentioned. They probably weren't that great of friends to begin with if one of them wouldn't hesitate to sleep with the ex. That's just plain shady, and it's not friendship.

You're going to end up in a great deal of drama if you continue dealing with these two. Move on without either of them.

 
Old 08-17-2006, 12:54 AM   #4
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 21
samb0 HB User
Re: Ex-boyfriend's mate

the guy who posted above, is completly correct.

you never ever get with your ex's friends, its a unwritten rule.

 
Old 08-17-2006, 12:00 PM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 1,420
GypsyArcher HB User
Re: Ex-boyfriend's mate

Well, the problem is that your ex-boyfriend clearly is not over you, and on top of that he is a little psychotic from the sound of it. If he really was over you then he wouldn't care who you were going out with or hooking up with.

You have to break off all manner of physical contact with your ex. Absolutely NO sleeping with him or even so much as hugging...he is still attached and he will not get over you otherwise. I don't know if you should even see him anymore. He needs to have a chance to move on from you.

I don't understand though why it is a "rule" that you should not get together with your exes friends. Of course if there is still drama with your ex then you should avoid him/her and anyone they know. But with my ex I was completely over him, could have cared less what he did. He could have started dating my mom and it wouldn't have mattered.

But I agree that in this particular situation it was an awesomely bad idea to hook up with his friend, since you were still on occassion sleeping with your ex. I'd disconnect from this whole thing and run, run far away. I think you need a new crowd.
__________________
The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~

 
Old 08-17-2006, 12:35 PM   #6
Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Columbus, OH
Posts: 69
caladbolg HB User
Re: Ex-boyfriend's mate

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyArcher
I don't understand though why it is a "rule" that you should not get together with your exes friends. Of course if there is still drama with your ex then you should avoid him/her and anyone they know. But with my ex I was completely over him, could have cared less what he did. He could have started dating my mom and it wouldn't have mattered.
It's not a rule. It's common sense. It's principle. You either do it because you're completely shady (like the guy's friend) or completely naive of the whole situation. Just because you don't care about him anymore doesn't justify it.

Last edited by caladbolg; 08-17-2006 at 12:43 PM.

 
Old 08-18-2006, 12:34 PM   #7
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 20
thirty-three HB User
Re: Ex-boyfriend's mate

Quote:
Originally Posted by samb0
the guy who posted above, is completly correct.

you never ever get with your ex's friends, its a unwritten rule.
This statement is so "bang on" ... do we need to say more ?! ...

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
how wrong am i in this situation??? or is ex still trying to contol??? lindsjean Relationship Health 6 04-13-2009 09:00 AM
Mutual friend of my ex contacts my ex's friend....insight welcome sgtcalypso Relationship Health 1 09-26-2007 07:03 AM
Is it healthy to remain friends with an ex? jondoe5 Relationship Health 9 07-30-2007 07:43 PM
Placing my Ex-charge - the High's and Lo's angel_bear Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia 2 04-19-2006 10:40 PM
Issues with an ex's friend gamecock360 Relationship Health 4 07-04-2005 07:40 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (272), rosequartz (255), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (156), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (99), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1005), Apollo123 (906), Titchou (850), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (759), ladybud (755), midwest1 (669), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:51 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!