i am in the military currently in iraq. my wife has had depression since a teenager. this is my 2nd deployment in 3 years. we have only spent 8 months in the last 3 years together because of deployments. my wifes depression is getting worse. about 5 months ago she said that she wanted a divorce. i managed to make it back to the states for my leave before she left. we spent the best 2 weeks that we have had in years. i havent seen her this happy in a long time. we also sought marrige counseling. everything seemed to get a little better. she decided to stay and wait for me to come home from the deployment. i returned to iraq and about a month later the relationship started slipping. she has told me that she wants another divorce. she has started seeing a counselor. she tells me that she has no hope for our marriage. she has said this before but when i was home she was different. i have looked up depression on the internet. a lot of sites say that sometimes the peson isnt saying what they really mean. im just looking for some kind of advice to make it through till i get home. and a way to help my wife being seperated by half a world.
Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression
Hi Ferman ,
Welcome to the boards, First off I want to say that I admire the courage it takes to serve. Your wife is lucky to have you. I can see that in the way you want help so deperately for her and your marriage. She is on the right track seeing someone. Is she on any antidepressants? She may need them by the sounds of this. She ,I imagine , misses you terribly and is worried non-stop about you . That may be adding to it,she may need a different counseler too if he/she is recommending the divorce. That is not their call. Especially seeing as you two are so wonderfully happy when you are together. I believe the seperation is the thing pushing her to this and the feelings associated with it. I can understand how she feels. She is so lucky to have someone who loves her so much.
See if she is open to medication as well as counseling. I suffer from depression as well. I did not have a rational view of my life or myself for a long time till I got help.
What all has she said to you about her reasoning why she wants the divorce?
Please keep in touch about this ok? I am praying that this all works out for the two of you and that you make it home safely very soon. My best to you and all those with you. Take care.
Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression
hello too sweet,
my wife has told me that the docs have put her on zoloft. about the divorce she has been thinking about it since before she sought counseling. she has only been to two sessions so far. she has told me that she doesnt know who she is and that she needs to find herself. that she cant do it being married. that she needs to depend on herself and be by herself. i try to talk with her. sometimes she is ok to tal and other times she is just angry by the sound of my voice. i have told her that i am proud of her that she has taken the first steps that she needs. that i know it took a lot for her to do this on her own. ive been trying to get her to go to counseling for herself but she has always told me she was too scared. so i see this as a good thing. i tell her i love her in every email and when i can on the phone. i think she is really confused and may be rushing to decisions. but i do think that the depression has the most to do with it. thank you for your response.
Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression
not everyone is made out to be a military wife. Maybe she truly can't handle being with a man who is thousands of miles away more than he's home. I'm certainly not blaming you, it's very noble that you're serving our country. But, it is a life that you chose and she may resent it. You can try to work on your relationship, but there may come a time that it hurts her more if you insist on staying in the relationship and working things out than if you were to just let her go.
Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression
I too agree with Sheri's post.
If she just started on Zoloft it takes time. Continue to send those emails and encourage her in her well being. She is confused with you gone, she has too much time to think. Her decision making is just something that she thinks will heal her depression. If she has suffered depression since a teenager and before your marriage - she's just using another reason to seek her happiness.
Only two sessions of counseling is not enough, she needs to focus on her sessions and get to the root of the problem - divorce is not the answer at this time - if anything it can only make it worse.
I guess, all you can do is be supportive to her While You are away fighting for our Freedom....................As Much As You Love Her and her Depression, it's also not Fair to YOU to be so worried about her when you too have your own worries about staying ALIVE fighting for our country.
ANY MAN THAT HAS OR IS FIGHTHING IN IRAQ, wearing a Uniform
Has the respect of MANY woman back home..............
Keep that in mind.
Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression
My thoughts on this is slightly different from the other members'.
First of all, if your wife misses you so badly and can't wait to see you again, why would she want a divorce with you, twice?! Secondly, she asking for her own space so that she could find herself, also, has very minimal to do with you being away. You are thousands of miles away from her, she has all the spaces she needs. I think your wife's problems might not be as simple as you think.
Sorry I know I am not being very helpful here, but I would suggest more phone calls to your wife would help, just tell her that you do love her and care about her. Can you get your friends to send her flowers, for you. And do all other little surprises, to make up that fact that you are not there for her.
1 last thing, you should be very proud of yourself, serving your country at this time of the century; I know I'd be freaked out ...
Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression
Hi,
I'm sure you know it's hard enough to be a military wife when you are healthy, but would be extraordinarily difficult with something like depresion. Women are social creatures and many rely on their husbands being around to fill that need for communication, (something many men don't realize). You haven't gotten to spend that much time with your wife, through no fault of your own. While it might have been enough time for you to maintain those feelings, it often times isn't enough time for the wife. With all the travel, many military wives have trouble making friends and the isolation is hard on them. Add depression to isolation and you have a recipe for disaster. The best solution would be that you were with her, but I know that's not possible. Even then, once she's let go to a certain point, she won't be interested in reconciliation anyway. Does she have family she can be with or is she close enough to visit often? Sometimes company and loved one's to talk to can ease the loneliness. You know, of course, that she, like you, is very lonely but she might not have the mental strength to deal with it. I'd get her to her family if that's at all possible. She might be able to find the strength to wait for you if she was with her family and getting thearpy.
Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression
i would like to thank everyone who has replyed. she has just started counseling for herself. which is a good thing. i asked if i could call and have a teleconfrence with her and her counseler. she said no and explained to me that she need this for herself. which i can understand. i think she is very confused with dealing with depression and i am glad she is taking the steps to get well. she lives in alaska and her family is in new york. she has been home twice in the past year. her family life wasnt a good one. she moved in with me 3 months after we met. we lived together for 2 years before we married. we were both working dead end jobs. it was off the books and no health insurance and chance for progression. i joined the military for a way for us to progress. where we are now in life is completely different. we went from a 1000 dollar beater truck to having 2 brand new trucks. brand new furniture and so on. friends say that they dont like comming over cause they are affraid to break anything. we have come a long way from where we were. she has had problems with depression before but not this bad. alaska is the number 1 depression state because of the 6 months of daylight, darkness and the long winters. so i know that it has been hard for her especially since im not there. she has friends. the go out every weekend. she is very social person but keeps herself inside most of the time. she says she has no motavation to do anything. i know that is the depression. she has told me that she loves me but not in love with me. i have been looking up a lot of depression and marriage advice on the internet. and a lot of marriage saving sites state the same things that my wife is telling me. about no hope and the marriage doesnt matter to her anymore. i have about 4 months left here before i go home. she says that she is staying in alaska till i get home. then she will do the divorce. about 4 months after i return from here i go to the east coast. she says that she wants to travel with me across country (cause we are driving out of alaska) and drop her off in new york before i go to where i need to. so i still see hope in this marriage even though she says she doesnt. she has told me this before and when i was on leave we had the best time taht we have had in years. but she says that those 2 weeks dont exsist to her any more. i dont know really. she has me very confused and hurt right now. but thanks for the replys and i like any advice even if its not what i want to to hear.
Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression
when you come home in 4 months, will you be deployed again?
It's just that, so many things are contributing to her depression. Why stay in Alaska? Why make your house out to be such a showplace that people don't want to come over for fear of breaking things? A lot of the things contributing to her depression are avoidable. Moving, setting up a comfortable house, spending time with friends, visiting family. She's choosing not to do that. As you can see from last time, things might go really well when you come home, but if you leave again, she's just going to crash and feel worse than she does now. If she's depressed, she can't see that her problems might have easy solutions. As her husband, you could help her out by getting her into better situations. Possibly moving. If there are couples or mutual friends that you spend time with, call them up, invite them over, or suggest that they drop by and visit her. Talk to her family and let them know that she's having a hard time.
Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression
Ferman. You sound like a great, caring, responsible husband. I would love you too, if I am a woman. I hope your wife would recover from depression real soon.
Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression
Quote:
Originally Posted by ferman
her family life wasnt a good one.
Is there anyone, a uncle or aunt who might care about her, who she could stay with for a few months until you get home? It would help to be around family.
Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression
i wish it was that easy in the military to let her be home with family. in the military you can only be absent from you house for 30 days before they take back housing. and if she went back home it would be even longer before we are able to be together again. the military only moves you once. after the first time they move us they wont pay for her to move back when i return. it would have to be out of our own pocket. which to move all our house hold goods across country is very expensive. and dont get me wrong i am not the perfect husband. i have just as much fault for our marriage problems. but i am the one who thinks that we can still work it out. she says she loves me but not in love with me anymore. and she need to prove to herself that she can make it on her own. i think she has proven this point already because i have only been home for 8 months in the last 3 years. it sucks and i hate it but i have no choice. i have ordered some saving your marriage books online. so maybe that could help. i think she has me just as confused as she is. i know its me a lot. i tell her i love her and she says my words dont matter to her anymore but when i ask why when i say i love her that she gets angry and she just hangs up. like i said she has me confused......
Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression
I was sitting in the waiting room yesterday at my lovely army hospital and came across an article in a military magazine. It was on the divorce rate for military couples. It stated that its not really the seperation that causes the divorce but there are underlying issues before deployments.( trust, money,etc.) Some marriages actually get stronger during these times. As a military wife I do get depressed sometimes. Not the same depression as your wife since she had it before you joined up. I know some wives that just want to curl up in bed and cry until their husbands come home. The key is to get through these times is to stay busy. To feel like you are worth something. Even though our spouses are gone time does not stand still and life must carry on. A lot of us just go through the motions of everyday life without really living it. Thats when we start volunteering or going back to school. Making a difference in someone else's life. We feel better and it makes the time go faster. I went through massage school and working on getting my license and I just started coaching cheerleading in one of our local leagues. I feel like I have a reason to get motivated and stay out of bed. A friend of mine got her personal trainer's license and is competing in fitness shows to stay busy. Can your wife go back to school or volunteer or even join a gym to stay active? What is she interested in? I know that you said that she goes out with friends. Yes, friends are a great support system which is really needed since most of our family's are so far away but she really needs to do something for herself. ANd when she does she will grow as a person and hopefully be on the same track as good. Good luck. Thank you for all of your hard work and dedication. I am now going to stop writing this long response because my soldier is due back very soon. Its been a long 8.5 months. He deserves to come home to a clean house. And lets face it with how busy I am I haven't been keeping up. So I better get to cleaning. Again good luck. Stay strong. Try not to think too much about it because that one second that your head is not on that mission could mean your life or a fellow comrades.
Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression
when i was on leave and everything was looking up we talked about her going to school and i told her that she didnt have to get a job right away. after 2 months she got the motivation to go. she missed the deadline for financal aide so had to pay full price for one class. we are getting ready to go to a new station shortly after i return. i was tryed to explain to her that we need to say money for the trip cause there are out of pocket expenses and that we could not afford for her to take the class at this time. i told her to wait till next semiester and get the financial aide then go. she insisted that she wants to go now and not wait. so an arguement isnsued and she said that she was going no matter what. so i told her that she needs to get a job if that is what she is doing. which lead to another arguement since i told her that she didnt need to get one right away. so she gave up on school said that she wants a divorce and is looking for a job maybe two so she can support herself. i know that with her depression and that she finally got the motivation to do something outside the house for herself that she feels that i ripped that away from her. and i know she is crushed by it even though she wont admit it. i found out about some grants that she could apply for. i told her about that and she says that she doesnt want to go to school anymore. its not a priority for her. she says she needs a job to support herself. and that is what she needs to do. she says that she needs to be her own person and do things for herself which i understand because of her depression. that she need to work on herself and she is the only one who can do that for herself. and she says that she cant be her own person being married. she is starting to get help for her depression. she goes to counseling and has been perscribed zoloft. i have told her that i am proud that she is taking the steps she needs to become well. i tell her that anytime she wants to talk about anything just send me an email. i tell her not to make any decesions about the divorce till i get home. that right now she needs to work on herself. she doesnt need any more outside stressors and focas on herself. i call her but usually our conversations dont last very long. she gets irratated just by the sound of my voice when i say hello. i know when she started talking about getting a divorce that i started pushing her. trying to get her to open up to me. and all it did was push her further away. so right now im trying to keep my distance and give her room to figure herself out. its very hard. i try to keep the coversations just on day to day things like how was your day. i am still confident in our marriage. i just think she needs to find herself and i need to be home. with her. not just a voice on the phone. face to face. i also need to work on myself cause i know im not the perfect husband. she has called out for help and i feel like i cant do anything about it being here. i need to be home.......
Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression
First of all thank you so much for doing what you do for everyone back here.
The sacrafice that your wife and yourself are making is greatly appreciated.
Speaking from experience, what your wife is going through is tough. Although you are in a war zone and fighting for your life, she is in a constant state of limbo. Your relationship is on hold, and it takes a strong sense of committment and determination to make a military relationship work. (my ex was army during the first golf war). You have nothing but time to think and worry. All my time was spent trying to get some news that his unit was safe, ect. I had to make all the decisions, learn to fix a leaky faucet, change my own oil, ect......It did me good and Im a better person for it, but at the time there was a lot of resentment when times would get tuff and he wasn't there to help make a decission or releive me from our children. I didn't have alot of support and worked very long hours, Drinking and going out on the weekends only made things worse for me.
I too suffer from depression and at the time lived in Seattle, another high depression area because of the constant rain and lack of sun. We relocated to the midwest and bought a farm (my dream). I underwent 2 years of counciling and started medication to counteract the chemical imbalance.
I can only tell you that you need to keep the lines of communication open, try not to dwell on the divorce topic or seperation, pretend it doesn't exsist. Encourage her if she brings up the topic. Try to keep everything light and fun, and romantic (as much as you can from 1000s of miles away.) When you get home see how things go, try to be yourself and she fell in love with you once she can do it again, it happened to me. I could barely stand my ex when he left, 9 months later I couldn't wait to see him, and all we had were cards letters and an occasional phone conversation. My medication was working by then and we had fun, we dated each other all over again once he was back home. I fell completely in love with him again. If I only knew.... (In case you wonder about the ex part, we divorced because of repeated infedelity on his part during his time away and once he returned home.)
The relocation will be amazing. I live in florida now and don't even have to take medications. Tanning bed (not recommended with skin cancer risk now) in the winter helped too, turns out I wasn't as clinically depressed as I was sun deprived. I think if you agree to drive her and use the time to reconnect, it would be good for her. How much longer do you have on your contract? Once you get home, if you can connect on any level I would suggest couples/relationship counciling. It can be done, if you have a great relationship when your together then I think you have a good shot at making this work. The really tuff decission would be if you wanted to hardship out if it came down to that to save the marriage.
I wish you the best of luck, and keep the faith....You sound like a wonderful guy and she just needs to get her mind in a better place and get out of alaska. Keep us posted.
Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression
thanks for the good words. im trying to stay positive. she has told me that i am a negitive person in the past. recently ive been looking at myself. and she is right. so ive been trying to do things in a more positive light. and i always try to find something positive in a negitive situation. she has told me that she needs to find herself and she cant be married to do that. she is getting counseling for herself and she is taking medication. i encourage her when i talk to her and tell her that i am proud that she is taking the steps that she needs for herself right now. when she brings up the subject of divorce i tell her that she has more important things to worry about right now. that getting herself better should be first. that we will talk when im home and we can be face to face. i try not to make too much contact with her so she can have her space to figure herself out. i do call and email her when she does me. i am trying to stay connected with her and let her have her space at the same time. but when i get home she says that she isnt will to try at the marriage anymore. i asked aboout going back to marriage counseling when i get home and she said no cause she isnt going to try anymore. i still have a couple months here. i just hope by that time that she has a better grip on her depression. and i hope that by giving her space to find herself that she might change her mind. i know i need to do some self improvement before i get home. and i am taking the steps to control my negitivity. so what do you guys think? am i doing the right thing?
Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression
It sounds like you are on the right track, I quess I would limit the "get yourself better" conversations. I know I got very defensive whenever it was hinted that I was less than "well" when I was very depressed. For me out of control is a very huge source of anxiety and eventual depression. I have spent a lot of time learning my triggers and self control to keep "situations" from dragging me down. Not everyone can go off meds, she may have to take something for the rest of her life, could all change once she is out of Alaska.
As for are you doing the right thing, in my opinion, it sounds like you are making an effort to learn and be supportive. Whether she will be receptive is up to her. Go back to when you first met, before bad things started to happen, how did you date her, and romance her? Try acting like that again, its what she fell in love with once. I think I read in your post that she loves you but is not in love with you, sounds like shes missing the butterfly in the stomach feeling and the connection that comes from the romantic side of your relationship.
She may very well need to find herself. I don't know how old you are, or your life experience levels, but if she is young, and hasn't accomplished much on her own, this may be a valid concern for her. It may have been a crushing blow to make a decision to go back to school to pursue her education and in turn develop her self esteme. She may be trying to become more that just your wife, and someone you can be proud of and someone she can be proud of. I understand the financial decision of the upcoming move, but possessions are just that don't get so caught up in the material side of life that you miss the biggest opportunities to enjoy the really valuable things in life that can't be owned. You said your house was a virtual model home and people were afraid to visit. Maybe that is a standard that she finds hard to live up to on a daily basis. Maybe you all just need to relax and find whats really important in life, and set new priorities that don't include the constant pursuit of bigger, better, more.....This is a huge assumption on my part but just wanted to share.
Sorry to prattle on, I have just been where you all are now. good luck, we are here if you need us. We have all been there.
Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression
well i havent talked to my wife in over a week now besides just little emails. the last time i talked to her i told her that i was going to give her her space. im having a really tough time doing that. im used to calling her everyday. she has a myspace account that she posts pics on all the time. she is very much into cameras. she always has one with her. well she went to a party last weekend and i noticed that she didnt have her wedding rings on in the pics. she has told me that there isnt anyone else. that she doesnt want anyone else including me. i believe her that there isnt anyone else. but other than that i have no clue what is going on in her life. she told me that she has no desires to share anything in her life with me anymore. and its tearing me apart. i ordered her flowers the other day. they wont be there for a couple days though. i can only hope that will go over well with her. being over here in iraq there are a lot of people going through the same kind of situation. when i go to the phones it is what everyone is talking about. so i know im not the only one. and i know people are going through worse than i am right now. its just tearing me apart.
Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression
well i called my wife the other day. we had what i would say is a good conversation. we started talking about day to day things. she seemed happy and up beat. i dont know if its because of the medication or if its the lack of me keeping my distance. then she brought up the marriage. i told her that i am trying to change the way that i am for me and for the better of us. that the way were when i was home for 2 weeks is the way it should be. and when we started argueing basicly about money that i slipped. i told her that it takes time for form new habits. i told her that it was like going to the gym. at first you have to kinda force yourself into going but after awhile it becomes routine. she said that she understood my point. so i told her i have around 90 days before i get home. and that when i get home we will take it from there. she said that she isnt going to try. i sent her flowers and she sent me an email saying thanks but you shouldnt have gotten them cause you need to save money. i know it was a little jab at me but it still shows me that she still has some kinda feeling. my question is i know she is sticking around for me to get home so we can devide everything. im not planning on filing for the divorce. but why hasnt she yet? if she says that she doesnt want it anymore and that she doesnt want to be with me why is she waiting? and she knows that i have a good 4 or 5 months before we leave alaska but she wants to stick around and drive out together. why would she wait that long to leave? and why would she want to be stuck in a vehicle with me for about 2 weeks to drive across country? is it me or is she kinda contradicting herself? im still confident and see this as a positive but im confused so if anyone could give me a little insite it would be appericated. thanks
Re: military husband needs help with wifes depression
This all sounds very familar as many of the things you talk about are what the ending of my engagement went through. I am the one with depression and it went undiagnosed for two years. It took a toll and my fiance said he couldn't take the moods anymore. Although I now know I have depression and not moods, it doesn't matter. He's gone. He said the same stuff. I need my space. I need to find myself. I can't take your sadness. I can't deal with this. We went to counseling and he didn't want to go so it did no good for the relationship, but at least the therapist recognized I have depression and I'm getting treatment for it.
Anyway, I don't want to be a downer here, but when people tell you something then believe it. It is so painful and I do know because I've lost 15 pounds and take sleeping pills to sleep since this happened.
If she says she doesn't want a marriage or marriage counseling then you have to accept it. No matter how much you try, if a person ends their feelings for you then most people won't bother to reconnect. It can be done, but both people have to want it, not just one person.
Just remember that she has been thinking about this for a long time and in her mind she is planning her life without you. It is so painful to know people can do this. The whole "i've got to find myself" is a nice way for people to say, I don't want to be with you.
I really, really do feel for you. I am just hanging on to dear life myself at the moment until I have my evaluation for medication. I call someone every night for support to help me through this because I do fear I will die otherwise. The ending of a relationship is just as painful as death because it is a death. Please get yourself some support and take care of yourself. You cannot expend all your energy on her even though you love her. You are no good to anyone if you aren't whole and healthy so take care of you first!!! Get counseling for yourself if possible. If not then rely on friends and family and tell them that you really need their help.
,
I hope your wife would recover from depression real soon.
