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Old 08-17-2006, 02:46 PM   #1
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Join Date: Feb 2004
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GirlHarley HB User
Hello Sophia and others...

Hi Sophia -
How's the love life going? Don't you wish you had a magic ball or something that can tell you if you PICKED the right guy to marry? Where or What your life will be in a year?

Been Married now for a year, and what a first year marriage it was - NOT!
I would NEVER do it again - NEVER. I know, it's easy for me to say this when I'm on my second marriage......

For those of you reading - I was divorced for 16 years before I remarried.
I have a son with my first marriage who will be 18 in a few weeks. My ex-husband and I were on good terms...Great Parents, and Great Friends.
I remarried last June. (John) I have been with John for 8 years - engaged for 5 years before marrying the guy - I was never in a rush to get remarried while with John - he was a Great Boyfriend, had some issues including big time drinking - yes being a DRUNK...But I knew everything before going into marriage............We did everything backwards in our relationship - bought a house, became engaged, got married, went on a honeymoon, then planned a Awesome backyard wedding three months after getting married...Life Was Good, I was Happy, He was Happy, Everyone was Happy...yada yada yada..

THEN LIFE TOOK THE MOST CRUEL TURN - my Ex-husband died in a motorcyle accident.
My son's life has been turned upside down - here's a 17 yr old kid who had it all - the Greatest Dad in the world, his bestfriend - GONE in minutes!
I went from a Wedding Reception one weekend to a freakin planning a WAKE the following weekend. ( my ex was not remarried, no girlfriend, no will)

My dear new Husband decides to Drink More and become the biggest A$$
non supportive, cruel, Expected my son to just GET OVER IT! OMG - can you just hate him or what! I moved out for a weekend but I didn't want to freak out my son more then needed. I have tried to keep it together for my SON, my life is about making sure HE IS WELL, coping, dealing, etc....I cry alone, I go for rides and cry cry cry, why did his father have to die? He was an awesome dad - why can my Husband be more supportive towards my son?

Then, just when you think you can start to DEAL - another blow in life.
My step dad of 28 years (my real dad died when I was 8) has cancer!
Find out two days before Xmas - Great Xmas - NOT! He passed away two months ago.....Today is 8/17 - 11 months that my ex died and 3 months that my dad died - 8 months apart on the same day! I dread next month - can't believe it's going to be a freakin YEAR my son's father is gone.
My son and I communicate very well, after all I am now his mother and his father............I can't replace his dad - I just do the best I can. He knows it.
We talk about his dad all the time (privately)

I don't care anymore about being Married, I hate it.....What happened to the vows - Good Times/Bad Times,,,, Yeah only when it's about HIM....

You are suspose to know a person before you get married -
They say people man or woman change after the ink is dry on the marriage certificate................Well "I" thought I knew who and what I was marrying
but HE DID CHANGE right after our marriage-and how in the world did I know such a life altering moment like the loss of my son's father would happen?
Then my dad? I hate my husband for not being the MAN I thought I married.
I regret my marriage - I don't care about it or trying to fix it.....
I was a loving girlfriend turned wife - always supportive with HIS ISSUES including his damn drinking problem..............

Now I'm one of THOSE WOMAN who tells people Don't Get Married...
They Change....I know it isn't true for everyone but that's where I'm at today. If and when I get divorced...............I will NEVER do it again and I promise not to ever complain about not having a date, boyfriend, or husband.
I want my sanity back............I have my wonderful SON - I thank God for him everyday..........

 
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Old 08-17-2006, 05:55 PM   #2
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: MN
Posts: 675
Veronica_Mars HB User
Re: Hello Sophia and others...

GH, I have always admired your opinions and choices, and just wanted to say that I am really sorry about what you are going through. I hope that one way or another, you end up better off as a result of everything you have had to deal with. I think you definitely deserve to be treated well, and I hope you don't settle for less than all the support you deserve, but on the other hand, I hope everything works out well concerning your marriage. Anyway, I am sure you know what will be best for you in the long run, or else, like everyone else, you will at least be able to figure it out as we go along. I wish you all the best...

 
Old 08-17-2006, 08:39 PM   #3
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: New York
Posts: 5,813
goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: Hello Sophia and others...

((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))) Girl Harley

I can't imagine what pain you have endured and I can see how alone you must feel having gone through such hardship and struggles that you have undergone in this past year with minimal support from your husband. I am sooo sorry, GH, and my heart truly aches for you.

I know the two of us take our parenting so very seriously and I know how hard you are trying to hold it all together for the sake of your son. Us moms just wanna fix everything for our kids and keep them from all the pain. But they need to experience the good and the bad, the happy and the sad, and to see that we are weak and need the strength of others as well and are not always strong as we would like to be. They need to see us as real and you mustn't deny your son the ability to see that you hurt just as he does and are disappointed in aspects of life and people who let you down. You will become more of his equal and will be seen more as his mentor who he will be able to rely on who has a wealth of experience to share. And he will see how vvery lucky and blessed he is to have such a wonderful person in his life.

How is he doing??? I would imagine that he is worried about his mom too as he is such a caring young man (I recall a birthday post he once made here just for YOU )

Does he have any plans for college??? I know that he is the same age as my oldest daughter who is counting the days until she is at college which is only a little over two weeks from today!!! I don't know where that time all went but it surely went much faster than I ever thought!!

Goody has been going through so much in her life and like you somehow there is strength to be found. I think that God gives us moms something that arises above all the pain we experience when we first give birth to pull us through no matter what. Younger daughter has been hospitalized since June.....had a suicide attempt and was recently diagnosed Bipolar. (I know one angel here who pointed me in the right direction to get the support I needed ) I couldn't even imagine going through this without hubby's support and the fleets of angels sent my way which only makes me feel more of your pain in thinking that you are all alone in this. But, GH, you really aren't!! You have tons of friends here who will help you through. You just come here and vent and know that somebody is always near to hold your hand!! Do not ever think for one second that you are in this alone!!

You are in my thoughts and prayers ~ Goody

 
Old 08-17-2006, 10:09 PM   #4
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Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 5,545
SophiaM HB User
Re: Hello Sophia and others...

Oh, GirlHarley, it saddens me so much to read about the trying times you had to go through and with so little support from your husband. HUGE HUGS to you! I can't believe that he turned out to be this self centered, as I remember that you always praised him as a boyfriend, despite the drinking problem. It boggles my mind that some people can change that much once they think they "have you" for life.

Your son sounds like a great young man and he is so lucky to have a Mom like you! You are the coolest Mom ever! I know you will find the strength to pull through and will make the best decision re: your marriage.

Not that much new with me, but I'm telling you, a couple of my friends from childhood and early college years recently got divorced and these were people I thought were SO in love with their spouses. In one case, the hubby started cheating after only a few months of marriage (yes--MONTHS!), and in the second case, my friend's wife left him (don't know why cause he's very bitter still and doesn't talk about details). Then another friend of mine after being married for a few years to a guy who treats her like a princess, wants to leave him because she's bored and thinks they have nothing in common. My own sister's husband (pretty much a whirlwind romance story) is also acting out now, two years after they married. So I don't know anymore: how many people are actually happilly married??? I am certainly not as pro-marriage as I once was, though I still think it might be worth to at least try it (but only with someone really special and whom I can trust 100%). For now, I'm still single. Life is definitely unpredictable.

Goody, it's good to see you again, too I'm sorry to hear about the problems with your daughter and I hope she gets better soon. You are both such wonderful and loving moms, GH and Goody, and wonderful people in general. Sending you both much love and my best wishes,

Love,
Sophia

 
Old 08-18-2006, 04:04 PM   #5
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laurie864bla HB User
Re: Hello Sophia and others...

GH,

Just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're going thru this!! ANd that you are included in my thoughts and prayers. I hope things get better for you real soon.

 
Old 08-19-2006, 04:36 AM   #6
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Join Date: Feb 2004
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: Hello Sophia and others...

Thanks everyone - kind words and thoughts go a long way.........

See Sophia - All those friends that were off getting married on you are now in limbo with their marriages or getting divorced. You mentioned 100% trust
I know what you mean. That is important for anyone. I too trust my husband 100% as far as his love for me goes, it goes also needs to be 100% Supportive, someone we can depend on. It's a complete let down when you find out WOW - I need him, I needed him at the worst time possible...
My son could have used his support too - After all he has three of his own kids. I love those kids as if they are my own - I would do anything for them.
I didn't need the grief he gave me - Always Complaining about something my son did, his friends over etc...Anything he could think of....
Imgaine coming home from work - Happy in a good mood, and Every freakin day - there he is either drunk or a new complaint about something regarding ME or my son.........It wears on you, it has gotten so tiring.........

GOODY - I am so sorry to hear about your younger daughter. I can not imagine what you are going through. Yes we do take parenting seriouly
My prayers are also with YOU and your family........

My son is doing well - he has good days and bad days...He went from a teenmonster to a Wonderful young man.....He's still trying to find himself with his loss.......He knows everything that is happenng with me & my husband.
He knows how much I miss his father too. We have wonderful talks about everything......I can't imagine him leaving me - LOL.......Funny - you can't wait for your kids to grow and Move Out, Me on the other hand - I now don't want him to leave. AND.......Yes, how did you know? He does worry about me! I did hear it from one of his friends that he wants to protect me and worries...........I talked to him about that and told him it's not his job to worry about me. He needs to decided on his future with college (no plans yet) I will worry about him and take care of him (for now)......He's got many years to go and When Mommy gets old - HE WILL BE TAKING care of me.
He got a good laugh on that. I don't know where the time has gone that these once little beautiful babies are becoming Adults. TOO FAST

I'm just taking one day at a time.
Just being there for my son - even if it means staying home while he is out.
I love waking up seeing his car in the driveway and know he's home safe and asleep.

Oh, Dear Husband is really trying AGAIN to make amends with me - he stop drinking, has not agrued with me all week, Well then again - I have finally tuned him out / off......We haven't spoken in a week........

 
Old 08-19-2006, 02:33 PM   #7
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Hello Sophia and others...

GirlHarley, if I could just give you a big ol' Ruth Hug right now I would.
Then I'd sit down and listen. And then I'd listen some more.
In our virtual corner of the world I guess we'll just settle for our virtual friendships.... because, haven't we got aLOT of them here???

And Goody, I can't tell you how good it is for me to see you here in the Relationship Health corner of our cybertwin world.
Thanks GirlHarley for bringing out all of the circle of people who care about you.

One thing I do know is that you are a Survivor. And I mean bar none. You will land on your feet - I have no doubt, and deep down neither do you!!
The hardest thing is keeping the bitterness and cynicism at bay... You've had enough happen to you in the last year and I'm voting that all of your friends here gather round to remind you of just what a wonderful friend YOU are to us here.
Ruthie

 
Old 08-21-2006, 01:53 PM   #8
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Posts: 1,589
GirlHarley HB User
Re: Hello Sophia and others...

Hello Ruth - good to see you too are still around.

Yes, it's shame we can't just sit and talk, vent. laugh, cry together.
As good as these boards are and the wonderful people here - you feel you want to reach through the computer screen and give hugs.............

Back in the day - I used to bore my girlfriends with every detail of my relationships - poor friends - I had them so bored or afraid of dating

My friends have been wonderful and supportive but I don't burden them with my ongoing situation. I just say it like it is when asked. I'm not one to Hold It in,.....I have tried but I can't.

It's day by day - when I'm asked how's my husband or my marriage...
If it's a good day I say it, if he's been bad again - I just say it.

This weekend - I cried again as I told him I no longer know what I want.
I freaked him out. I don't know if I'm cut out anymore to be his wife and deal with his issues. He didn't believe me. He wanted to take me out on the town and I just looked at him HELLO, I'm ready to divorce you not go out with you. We spent yesterday together went to a great expenisve resturtant - had some laughs, but I'm in limbo with him.

WHY do we woman want to FIX everything?

 
Old 08-22-2006, 04:58 PM   #9
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Hello Sophia and others...

Quote:
Originally Posted by GirlHarley
WHY do we woman want to FIX everything?
Aah, just our nature. We're the "fixers" usually. We want to preserve peace. But you know what, once in a while, I think it's GOOD to freak them out! Not trying to make light of your situation at all. Honestly, people are often so careless until it's almost too late. Hard to understand, really. Hope things start looking up for you soon, dear GirlHarley! It makes me sad to see you upset.

 
Old 08-22-2006, 06:51 PM   #10
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hillaryb HB User
Re: Hello Sophia and others...

I'm putting the kiddos to bed right now and can't say much. Just wanted to say hi, I remember you from WAAAAY back and I'm hoping that things go in a more positive direction for you really soon. We all know how the bad times come in spurts--hang in there, you will appreciate the good times that are yet to come so much more after surviving this. I know it's cliched, but it's all I've got for you... Take care and know that I am thinking of you

 
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