Hello Sophia and others... - Relationship Health Message Board

GirlHarley · 08-17-2006, 03:46 PM

Hi Sophia -
How's the love life going? Don't you wish you had a magic ball or something that can tell you if you PICKED the right guy to marry? Where or What your life will be in a year?

Been Married now for a year, and what a first year marriage it was - NOT!
I would NEVER do it again - NEVER. I know, it's easy for me to say this when I'm on my second marriage......

For those of you reading - I was divorced for 16 years before I remarried.
I have a son with my first marriage who will be 18 in a few weeks. My ex-husband and I were on good terms...Great Parents, and Great Friends.
I remarried last June. (John) I have been with John for 8 years - engaged for 5 years before marrying the guy - I was never in a rush to get remarried while with John - he was a Great Boyfriend, had some issues including big time drinking - yes being a DRUNK...But I knew everything before going into marriage............We did everything backwards in our relationship - bought a house, became engaged, got married, went on a honeymoon, then planned a Awesome backyard wedding three months after getting married...Life Was Good, I was Happy, He was Happy, Everyone was Happy...yada yada yada..

THEN LIFE TOOK THE MOST CRUEL TURN - my Ex-husband died in a motorcyle accident.

My son's life has been turned upside down - here's a 17 yr old kid who had it all - the Greatest Dad in the world, his bestfriend - GONE in minutes!
I went from a Wedding Reception one weekend to a freakin planning a WAKE the following weekend. ( my ex was not remarried, no girlfriend, no will)

My dear new Husband decides to Drink More and become the biggest A$$
non supportive, cruel, Expected my son to just GET OVER IT! OMG - can you just hate him or what! I moved out for a weekend but I didn't want to freak out my son more then needed. I have tried to keep it together for my SON, my life is about making sure HE IS WELL, coping, dealing, etc....I cry alone, I go for rides and cry cry cry, why did his father have to die? He was an awesome dad - why can my Husband be more supportive towards my son?

Then, just when you think you can start to DEAL - another blow in life.
My step dad of 28 years (my real dad died when I was 8) has cancer!
Find out two days before Xmas - Great Xmas - NOT! He passed away two months ago.....Today is 8/17 - 11 months that my ex died and 3 months that my dad died - 8 months apart on the same day! I dread next month - can't believe it's going to be a freakin YEAR my son's father is gone.
My son and I communicate very well, after all I am now his mother and his father............I can't replace his dad - I just do the best I can. He knows it.
We talk about his dad all the time (privately)

I don't care anymore about being Married, I hate it.....What happened to the vows - Good Times/Bad Times,,,, Yeah only when it's about HIM....

You are suspose to know a person before you get married -
They say people man or woman change after the ink is dry on the marriage certificate................Well "I" thought I knew who and what I was marrying
but HE DID CHANGE right after our marriage-and how in the world did I know such a life altering moment like the loss of my son's father would happen?
Then my dad? I hate my husband for not being the MAN I thought I married.
I regret my marriage - I don't care about it or trying to fix it.....
I was a loving girlfriend turned wife - always supportive with HIS ISSUES including his damn drinking problem..............

Now I'm one of THOSE WOMAN who tells people Don't Get Married...
They Change....I know it isn't true for everyone but that's where I'm at today. If and when I get divorced...............I will NEVER do it again and I promise not to ever complain about not having a date, boyfriend, or husband.
I want my sanity back............I have my wonderful SON - I thank God for him everyday..........

Veronica_Mars · 08-17-2006, 06:55 PM

GH, I have always admired your opinions and choices, and just wanted to say that I am really sorry about what you are going through. I hope that one way or another, you end up better off as a result of everything you have had to deal with. I think you definitely deserve to be treated well, and I hope you don't settle for less than all the support you deserve, but on the other hand, I hope everything works out well concerning your marriage. Anyway, I am sure you know what will be best for you in the long run, or else, like everyone else, you will at least be able to figure it out as we go along. I wish you all the best...

goody2shuz · 08-17-2006, 09:39 PM

((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))) Girl Harley

I can't imagine what pain you have endured and I can see how alone you must feel having gone through such hardship and struggles that you have undergone in this past year with minimal support from your husband. I am sooo sorry, GH, and my heart truly aches for you.

I know the two of us take our parenting so very seriously and I know how hard you are trying to hold it all together for the sake of your son. Us moms just wanna fix everything for our kids and keep them from all the pain. But they need to experience the good and the bad, the happy and the sad, and to see that we are weak and need the strength of others as well and are not always strong as we would like to be. They need to see us as real and you mustn't deny your son the ability to see that you hurt just as he does and are disappointed in aspects of life and people who let you down. You will become more of his equal and will be seen more as his mentor who he will be able to rely on who has a wealth of experience to share. And he will see how vvery lucky and blessed he is to have such a wonderful person in his life.

How is he doing??? I would imagine that he is worried about his mom too as he is such a caring young man (I recall a birthday post he once made here just for YOU

)

Does he have any plans for college??? I know that he is the same age as my oldest daughter who is counting the days until she is at college which is only a little over two weeks from today!!!

I don't know where that time all went but it surely went much faster than I ever thought!!

Goody has been going through so much in her life and like you somehow there is strength to be found. I think that God gives us moms something that arises above all the pain we experience when we first give birth to pull us through no matter what. Younger daughter has been hospitalized since June.....had a suicide attempt and was recently diagnosed Bipolar. (I know one angel here who pointed me in the right direction to get the support I needed

) I couldn't even imagine going through this without hubby's support and the fleets of angels sent my way which only makes me feel more of your pain in thinking that you are all alone in this. But, GH, you really aren't!! You have tons of friends here who will help you through. You just come here and vent and know that somebody is always near to hold your hand!! Do not ever think for one second that you are in this alone!!

You are in my thoughts and prayers ~ Goody

SophiaM · 08-17-2006, 11:09 PM

Oh, GirlHarley, it saddens me so much to read about the trying times you had to go through and with so little support from your husband. HUGE HUGS to you!

I can't believe that he turned out to be this self centered, as I remember that you always praised him as a boyfriend, despite the drinking problem. It boggles my mind that some people can change that much once they think they "have you" for life.

Your son sounds like a great young man and he is so lucky to have a Mom like you! You are the coolest Mom ever! I know you will find the strength to pull through and will make the best decision re: your marriage.

Not that much new with me, but I'm telling you, a couple of my friends from childhood and early college years recently got divorced and these were people I thought were SO in love with their spouses. In one case, the hubby started cheating after only a few months of marriage (yes--MONTHS!), and in the second case, my friend's wife left him (don't know why cause he's very bitter still and doesn't talk about details). Then another friend of mine after being married for a few years to a guy who treats her like a princess, wants to leave him because she's bored and thinks they have nothing in common. My own sister's husband (pretty much a whirlwind romance story) is also acting out now, two years after they married. So I don't know anymore: how many people are actually happilly married??? I am certainly not as pro-marriage as I once was, though I still think it might be worth to at least try it (but only with someone really special and whom I can trust 100%). For now, I'm still single. Life is definitely unpredictable.

Goody, it's good to see you again, too

I'm sorry to hear about the problems with your daughter and I hope she gets better soon. You are both such wonderful and loving moms, GH and Goody, and wonderful people in general. Sending you both much love and my best wishes,

Love,
Sophia

laurie864bla · 08-18-2006, 05:04 PM

GH,

Just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're going thru this!! ANd that you are included in my thoughts and prayers. I hope things get better for you real soon.