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20 years too long?

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Old 08-17-2006, 11:56 PM   #1
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queenie66 HB User
20 years too long?

I've been married for 20 years to my high school sweetheart, and most people think he's a great husband (Which he can be). He's always been moody and a few years ago (after I insisted) he got medicated for depression. Things had been pretty good despite some trouble with our oldest child, and some ED problems due to his medication. But lately he's been coming home from work downing several beers and usually asleep by 9pm. He's constantly complaining about work, making negative remarks about our kids (to me not them), he's almost completely unaffectionate, and he's made some half joking remarks to people at my expense. He wants me to listen to him whine and help him make decisions, but not interested in what I want to talk about or any problems I'm having. Now our oldest got into some trouble again and he refuses to talk about it and when I (honestly, nicely) tried to discuss it with him he jumped up and put his finger in my face and yelled at me then turned and slammed the door so hard I thought he broke it, now we haven't talked for 2 days. I'm not sure if I can put up with another 20 years of his unstability. When he's relaxed he's very affectionate and can be a great Dad when things are ok. I'm tired of telling the kids "Dad's in a mood", or only telling him half of a situation so he won't get too upset. And then I have no one to discuss how upset I was over something, because I had to deal with it myself. I don't know if this is his depression escalating, or he's blames me for things, I don't know, but I've about had it and feel like I'm falling apart.

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Old 08-18-2006, 02:20 AM   #2
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minijumbofly HB User
Re: 20 years too long?

Are there any other supportive family members that you can turn to for now? A brother, in-law, or even a best friend? You definitly are in need of support no matter where, what, how and the time is now.

You are trying to go at this alone and I tell you from experience that the odds are piled against you.

I would suggest that you separate the problem with you son from the problem with your husband for now. Seek more support from your son's school and solicite help from social support groups.

As for your husband, you might want to seek a second opinion from a different doctor on his depression condition and the medication he is on. I know friends with depression on medications and they all had relapses from time to time.

He is displaying all the symtoms of depression and this is a very diversified sickness where the treatment varies from one person to another and it requires very close monitoring in addition to just medication.

Seek additional professional medical opinion for your husband's condition now, otherwise it might escalate beyond control. Depressed people are unpredictable and very difficult to live with. You must not deal with all this on your own.

My best wishes and prayers to you.

Old 08-18-2006, 10:54 AM   #3
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picksie HB User
Re: 20 years too long?

Medications can stop working and they do all the time (speaking from personal experience). It sounds like he needs to be re-evaluated by a Psychiatrist, not your family doctor. Then I'd suggest going to family counseling, or at least him alone and then marriage counseling or therapy. If you don't get outside help, your marriage will end or worse, he may hurt himself or someone else.

Sometimes, depression progresses into manic or bipolar and even personality disorders. I encourage you to talk to him about this as soon as possible, regardless of how scared you are of his reaction.

You are right in that there's no way it can continue like this for much longer. It's not fair to you to be the rock of your marriage alone, all the time, and to have to shoulder the responsiblity of buffering his relationship with his own children. You all deserve a husband and dad.

Old 08-18-2006, 11:34 AM   #4
Join Date: May 2006
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need_to_loose HB User
Re: 20 years too long?

not that you should let it go on for ever,but 20 years is alot of investment in a marriage and you should'nt let it go without exploring all solutions.

A couple of questions.

does he work odd hours?
does he sleep well?

the reason I ask is, I was exactly the same for quite a while, hated everything and everyone. in fact, this could have been our story a few years ago.
I went through very rough spot for about a year, the biggest difference is, I didn't do the drinking thing. found most of it was due to not getting enough quality sleep, I was working swing shifts and had gotten pretty heavy so I was having trouble sleeping. the worst thing is, I didn't realize I wasn't sleeping good. I have sleep apnea and since i've started using the CPAP I'm a changed person.

I don't know if any of this applies but it's worth mentioning.

Old 08-22-2006, 09:31 PM   #5
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queenie66 HB User
Re: 20 years too long?

Thanks for listening and for the advice. My close friends all seem to be having some pretty big issues of their own right now and his family only discusses the weather with each other, and my family is all far away. It was good to know that other's thought his depression might be the problem and I wasn't being overly sensitive. I tried to talk to him about his depression being out of control again, and he said maybe. He's been angry everynight this week still. He'll all of a sudden start yelling about something that happened days ago and was over with.
Nothing's changed here except I'm so mad now that I can't hardly do anything but yell at him. I went off on him tonight. Nice cycle isn't it. As for his sleeping he gets more that any adult I know. (another sign of depression)
I'm going to try to get him to see a new doctor, maybe that will help. We did a little family therapy last fall over issues with our oldest, didn't help (not that good of a therapist I thought). I don't know if I could get him to go now or not.

Thanks again

Old 08-23-2006, 05:07 AM   #6
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minijumbofly HB User
Re: 20 years too long?

Sorry to hear things are not improving. While you mentioned problems with your son, you didn't state anything specific. May be if you do, somebody can provide some objective insights.

As for your husband, I still believe you need to seek others to support your effort. If his family doesn't care, what about his friends? Does he have a mentor at work or anybody he mentioned before as someone he respects or look up to?

As for yourself, you need your own family support no matter how far away they live. Just having someone listening to you and being able to blow off some steam would help regardless if they offer to help or not.

The point is, you are carrying the family on your shoulders and if you don't first take good care of YOURSELF, the weight will eventually crush you.

Please don't get crushed , my best wishes be with you.

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