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Old 08-18-2006, 11:59 AM   #1
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Money issues

I am recently married - almost 3 months (we have been dating for several years though) and it seems most of our fighting is about money. I am starting to get really resentful about it. We went to pre-marital couselling before we were married and we agreed upon certain things (I thought we did anways) and now everything is not turning out the way we had initially agreed.
My husband used to be employed as a casual worker then went to term and in the past few months has finally become a full time unionized employee - something we both had been hoping for. Since then though I find he is more tight with money when it comes to the household and me and I feel he is acting like he is better than me now. Like, he doesn't apologize when he does or says things to me anymore. He has actually said he wasn't taking anymore s..t off anyone at work anymore as they can't touch him now that he is full time. I see his behaviour as odd as everyone works to make a living.
I have always worked throughout our relationship and have not counted on him to pay my way. I don't however make as much money as he does - he makes almost double what I make. He does expect me to pay half the bills, etc. and the car payment and both insurances on top of that (he says it is my car so he is not obligated to pay for it, although the car he drives was bought and paid for by me). My bills come out to about $300 more a month than our rent (which he pays). By the time I get my cheque it is almost gone with all the payments and I have very little left over. My account has dwindled before to $3.
When he goes grocery shopping (very seldom) he buys what he likes and doesn't think of me (lots of meat, etc. and knows I am vegetarian but buys nothing I like). We alternate in paying for groceries. I also paid more than he did for our wedding - a cost that was supposed to be 50/50.

He is refusing to have a joint bank account and does not want to budget our money (both things we had agreed upon before). He wastes money or beer and cigarettes, etc. We can well afford to buy a house but he is dragging his a** about that saying we can't afford it which is not true.
I feel that he is not a marriage partner and that he is acting single and taking advantage of me. I feel in a marriage a couple should be partners. It is so ironic that his sister lives this way and he calls his brother-in-law a jerk for treating her that way.
I have a lot of anger towards him over this and have had countless conversations about it with no resolution. I am thinking that this month I will just not pay the bills (they are in his name anyway) - should I do this?
I know money is the number one cause of divorce and I can start to see why.

 
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Old 08-18-2006, 12:09 PM   #2
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Re: Money issues

O no ... sorry to hear that ...

From what you have written, your husband definitely is take advantages of you ... and acting like a selfish man (single man can also be very generous with money). I can only suggest talking to your husband, express your concerns ... but you already have I am sure. Guys grow up a lot slower than women ... we all know that ... I am still very immature in a lot of ways. Perhaps you should sit him down, and explain to him that only because you care about the future, so he must change his ways.

This stuff sounds serious; you guys should go see some councilors.

Best of luck!

Last edited by thirty-three; 08-18-2006 at 12:09 PM.

 
Old 08-18-2006, 01:44 PM   #3
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Re: Money issues

Wow, it sounds like he needs a wake-up call in the worst way.

You bought him a car and you still pay his insurance? He certainly knows what side his bread is buttered on. He's making twice what you do, and doesn't seem too concerned that you have almost no money left over at the end of the month.

Quote:
Like, he doesn't apologize when he does or says things to me anymore.
What kind of things does he say and do to you? Your husband shouldn't be treating you with disrespect. You really need to put your foot down here and stop letting yourself get walked on. It sounds like he is taking you for granted in a big way...and you have to let him know you are not going to put up with it anymore. Things will have to change.
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Old 08-18-2006, 02:52 PM   #4
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Re: Money issues

I have to agree... it's time to really put your foot down.

This seems to be one of those situations you hear about where husbands (and sometimes wives) do a completely 180 after getting married. As if there's no maintenance required! As this is not the case, I would say it's time to give him a very big reminder.

Tell him you're not going to pay for his car insurance anymore, so if he ends up uninsured it's his own problem. You may want to tell him you both need to return to your counsellor to discuss this, because his behavior is going to send you on the fast track to bitterness and possibly... well... divorce! I know I wouldn't put up with that kind of treatment for long.

It's not longer 100% "mine" or "his" or "hers" - you're married and financial obligation is a SHARED thing. That he is trying to make things 50/50 when he makes twice is much is just rude! As a husband he should be trying to ensure things are fair and you're both satisfied - I highly doubt you'd expect the same of him were the roles reversed and you were making more.

Sit him down, tell him you're growing strong resentments, and if he didn't want to be an equal partner - heart, head, and MONEY - then he shouldn't have taken those vows. Because he's not being caring, he's not being thoughtful, and he's not taking care of you.

 
Old 08-18-2006, 03:00 PM   #5
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Re: Money issues

A marriage is a partnership and this way of money matters ain't gunna get it. You just have to tell him that this isn't going to work like this...you are now husband and wife and you need to start acting like a husband!!!!!!!! That's what I'd say anyway! Hell, most women I know work and their husbands never see a dime of it and the husband pays all the bills...sounds good to me!!!!! Heehee! The saying "her money is her money and his money is their money" is a pretty good rule of thumb for me...just kidding...but really I know many couples that live like this.
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Old 08-18-2006, 04:30 PM   #6
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Re: Money issues

Hi - I had to respond here. This man sounds selfish, and totally unfair.

You are married, you both earn different amounts, so expecting you to pay as much as him for things and expenses is unfair.

You both earn a wage, and I think that both the wages should be put into a joint account, and whatever bills and expenses come up should be taken from this account. Then the situation of you having hardly any money left for you after bills etc, will not arise!

Like you say, he is acting like he is single, you are married, why does he feel like he is guarding his money, you are a team, a partnership, whatever you may call it, but he is not committed here as far as money go.

What would happen if you were to have a child with him? would he feel it was totally unfair for him to work more hours? would he feel that you should be paying for half of the baby food, nappys etc. Would he resent it if you wanted to be a stay at home mum?

This guy needs to grow up, he is earning more than you, so in my mind it is only fair that he should pay a higher proportion of the expenses.

Again I think all wages should be put together, and both of you live off the total amount in that account.

Best of luck, and I think you need to address this problem sooner rather than later, as you are obviously starting to resent him over this.

Best of luck

 
Old 08-18-2006, 05:36 PM   #7
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Re: Money issues

Hopefully communication will resolve this issue but if not, I think you should sell "his" car. You paid for it, after all. That will get his attention, hehe!

 
Old 08-19-2006, 04:50 AM   #8
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keepsgoin HB User
Re: Money issues

So what did he think the point of pre-marital counseling was? I guess he just said what he thought you wanted to hear and figured once he had you roped in he could just change the rules on you. To expect you to pay for half of everything is not right! I like what plas said...sell the freakin car that YOU paid for!!!!!!!!!
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Old 08-20-2006, 05:20 PM   #9
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Re: Money issues

Thank you everyone for your replies. From the replies, I am not being unreasonable and he has some serious growing up issues. To answer some questions:

Some of the things he says to me and doesn't apolgize for: Example was today when we went to his nephew's birthday party - there were alot of his family there and he complimented his niece's meal (which is fine) but then he threw in a shot at me saying "I don't eat this well at home, she never feeds me during the week" and his brother said ya he's probably eating lettuce and chicken (jokingly) - I said "ya right, he eats just fine at home". He thought it was a big joke. I didn't find it funny because it's not the first time he has said something like that. I didn't say anthing more there but when we got home and brought up the subject he said it was just a joke and would not apologize. I told him he can make his own meals because every night I spend an hour in the kitchen making him a nice meal and I do make him things he likes.

About the cars - both are in my name. The one he drives I had bought myself and he has been driving ever since I bought it and the second car is the newer car that we bought last year which he put down some money on but I am stuck with the monthly payments on. I can't sell the one he drives because truthfully it isn't worth much anymore and if I did then he will want to drive mine. When he decides to buy a truck then he can get his own insurance for it because I am not paying it.

Like some of you other women, most couples I know have joint accounts and talk to each other about purchases and make a budget. My best friend has total control over her boyfriends money and they aren't even married and the kicker is he likes it as he told me that every since he has been with her he has everything he ever wanted and before that he never had any money. I feel my husband is being childish and wasteful with what should be family money. And we had been talking about having our first child and I am feeling that he would make feel guilty about not contributing enough if I had to stay home the first year and wonder how much worse things would get.

I am beyond resentment right now as I don't see him the same way anymore and feel like I don't know who he is anymore.

 
Old 08-21-2006, 02:40 PM   #10
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Re: Money issues

"He will not take s*** from the others because he is a full.time employee"...... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... That makes me laugh so much. He is not protected at all. And this kind of arrogance is something that you should not take. You seem to be such a nice person.
I think that he was ok with you prenup arrangements because he needed you. Now that he is making more money than you, he doesn't agree anymore. Well too bad for him.
Sorry to be this harsh but I went through this too. My ex-husband use to make more money than me when we married and he use to boss me around, nagging about how everything was his. A few years later, I make more money than him. After that, whenever I said something he would say " oh yeah you make more money so that gives you the right to boss me around". Some guys are just too old-school.
Good luck

 
Old 08-22-2006, 07:23 AM   #11
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Re: Money issues

It's good that you do NOT have any children yet, as unless the money and under lying issues are resolved, a baby would really be just adding fuel to the fire.

Sorry! Men are just double standard, chauvinistic you know whats, me and your husband included. "Old school" is far too kind of a way to put it.

However, anytime a relationship is based on the nitty gritty with negotiating "his and hers" down to the center line, it's bounded to doom from the beginning. Prenups are just insurance policies, not relationship or marriage builders.

This really applies to more than income. It also entails time, effort and even love. Straight credits and debits is the manner to handle business transactions but it doesn't really work in intimate relationships. (Been there, done it)

From your posts, I'll say your husband is childish and inconsiderate and has a lot of growing up to do. But you will have to decide whether you want to work it out or just call it quits. Not all couples let money or even crisis, come between them.

"To have enough" or "be fair" is ALL relative depending on the people and conditions involved. If you're both working and is without child and a lot of debt, then you should check hard into the facts if you are living beyond your means.

Are there any expenses that can be reduced besides beer and cigs? e.g. cable TV, nights into town, DVDs & games, gourmet foods, designer clothes...etc. Try reducing the burden instead of just spreading it. May be it'll work better this way.

P.S. Where were all you women that "bring home the bacon and also fry it up in a pan"? like 7-8 years ago??? Just kidding! Good luck, hope you work things out.

 
Old 08-22-2006, 08:49 AM   #12
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Re: Money issues

My husband and I have a joint account also - we're with those people who consider their marriage a separate entity with it's own needs and rights.

However, since your husband won't join those who consider that legally what's his is yours and yours is his anyway, give this a try:

Figure out the total amount of income after taxes the two of you make. Then figure out the RATIO of each of your incomes to that amount. i.e. he makes 60% of it and you make 40%.

Find out the total amount of bills you owe each month. (Figure in insurance for both cars.)
Figure out 60% of the total.
Figure out 40% of the total.

One of you writes the other one a check prior to each month.

It's called "parity". And it's fair.

 
Old 08-22-2006, 12:01 PM   #13
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Re: Money issues

If you can't pay as much as your are paying now you should bring it to his attention. Man pays for everything is a rare case this days but couple should share and support and he should pay bigger part of the bills if you can't. I do that since dh getting less, but he does a lot of other stuff for the family.
In case of shopping, we have piece of paper and a pen on the kitchen and write down what we need to buy and then I normally do shopping according to the list. He is "non fat" eater, I am less strict.
Think what will happened if you have a baby with this man and kids are very expensive, he will drive you crazy by counting every $. My mother in low divorced with her dh mostly cause of money problems. My dh is afraid that if we have 2 kid and will be tight with money it can affect relationship.
In your case you have to think real well if you want to continue living with this guy and have good talk with him. May be it is good that you didn't buy house with him. If you think that he is apreciate that you give all his money and try to please him, you have another thing count. Fot him you just a fool who let him take advantage of you and if things cnaged for the worse like you can't give as much as you giving you'll be his sworn enemy. I lived for a while with my stepgrandpa, know that type.

 
Old 08-22-2006, 12:31 PM   #14
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Re: Money issues

This is a huge load of bullcrap! I had no idea there were people like this living out there, dividing their money and claiming that it doesn't belong to "the family" as one poster wrote!

You said you cook but that he only pays the mortgage/rent. Stop cooking for him, especially if he's going to tear your skills down in front of other people. Let him go hungry, claiming that you didn't have enough of "your" money to buy his food this month. Believe me, hitting him where it hurts (his wallet) will or should change his attitude fairly quickly. Stop paying the insurance, stop paying ANYTHING that he claims is his alone. Heck stop doing his laundry if it's your money that pays for the detergent! Sometimes you have to get mean to slap some sense into a guy (no offense guys reading this!).

In my house, and pretty much everyone I know, the money is put into one account and all the bills are paid with it. Sometimes my DH has a small amount of cash on him to pay for smokes, beer, etc but otherwise, the majority of it is in the bank. I've never in the 14 years we've been together, heard him claim money as solely his. And I never will....

 
Old 08-22-2006, 01:29 PM   #15
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Re: Money issues

Quite a lot of people have separate accounts. My family does and then we pay for joint expenses as much as we can depends on our income. It works so far. I think action of this guy is unacceptable, he makes more money so he should pay bigger portion, she should pay as much as she could. She does a lot for him, critisizing her in front of others is not right. She should do something to change the cituation. He is likely all life calculate every penny and blame her for spending and having kid with him will be a disaster.

 
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