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Old 08-18-2006, 08:15 PM   #1
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Imalandsurveyor HB User
what's happening with my to my wife/life?

My wife and i have been best friends and soul mates for 12 years, married for 10. Things have changed with her in the last few months. it saddens me things are the way they are between us. She seems to have turned away from me and spends a lot of time with divorced friends from her work. She has spent a lot of our money for a long time and it took her some time to admit to herself it is a problem. She finally came to me with it and told me the reason she turned away was because of the guilt. that was 2 weeks ago, the turning away started acouple of months before that. We have talked (seems more me) for the last couple of weeks and have cleared a few things up. This weekend she is in another state for a meeting and voluntarily spent the weekend with one of her friends on the beach. i am home alone. She is very sexual and i will admit that things got in kinda a rut for a little while. but since we started trying to work things out i/we have really spiced up our sex life. i still feel like she wont communicate with me and it seems like she still doesnt consider my feelings. I love her deeply and she says she loves me but i cant help but feel there is still something between us. i am not sure what i can or should do.

Thanks for any help

.

 
Old 08-19-2006, 06:06 AM   #2
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Re: what's happening with my to my wife/life?

Hmm...yeah I would listen to your instincts. If you are both as close as you say you are, then you probably know when things arent right.

I dont want to put any ideas of "what might be" in your mind. I would just encourage you to have an honest conversation with her, demand that you talk this out.

It may be more than shopping guilt...

My intuition tells me it could be something more. Then again, I dont know her or you so dont except what I say as Gospel truth.

But do indeed pin her down and make her talk!
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Old 08-19-2006, 01:46 PM   #3
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Re: what's happening with my to my wife/life?

Would you tell me how old you both were 12 yrs ago?

 
Old 08-19-2006, 06:57 PM   #4
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Lightbulb Re: what's happening with my to my wife/life?

Unfortunately, I can totally understand what you are saying, because the same thing happened between my husband and I. We have only been married for 4 years, but he use to say we were "soul mates". There had been problems involving other people, my children from a previous marriage, my ex, his new girlfriend, etc; but those things all got "fixed". We have ALWAYS had an awesome sexual relationship no matter what was going on. Then, suddenly, a few months ago, he began to spend more and more time with his unmarried and/or divorced buddies. Then one day, he came home to say that he "didn't want the responsibility of marriage anymore". Only one week ago did he finally admit to me something that had happened between him and one of our "female friends". It was one of those times that I should have "listened to my gut" because I knew. Unfortunately, though, I loved him enough to want to believe him; but look where that got me.

I know it's too late to make this a short story, but the bottom line is that I agree with the one who said to follow your gut. I believe that is God talking to you. Listen closely to it and do what your instincts tell you, but remember to be prepared for ANYTHING.

One thing I've learned the hard way is that age may be a factor in some cases, but not very many. My ex and his girlfriend are both in their 50's but act as immature as any 18 year old I've ever known. My current husband and I both are in our mid-40's. I WISH I could blame it on age, but it's not always that simple.

 
Old 08-19-2006, 07:57 PM   #5
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Re: what's happening with my to my wife/life?

Hi,
I had something similar with my ex- and when you have a gut feeling- it's usually right.
He started acting distant- and doing strange things. He kept listening to the soundtrack of Grease (I know it sounds weird- and it was). Just odd little things. And he wouldn't come clean until I sat him down and straight out said "Spill it!" He was in love with another woman. I was completely blindsided
If you really want to know- prepare yourself for the worst and be honest about what you are willing to do- for example- if she was sleeping with another man, could you stay with her and try to work it out? Or not?
If you are not prepared- put it on a shelf for awhile. If you are ready
I think I would say something like this:
First- get permission to talk-
"Honey I need some time with you, is now a good time to talk?" If she says no, then ask when. "OK- now is not a good time for you, how about tomorrow at noon?"
I know that sounds weird- but it's something I learned and it's important that she agree to talk or you won't get far. If she says yes:
"Darling, I know you say nothing is going on- but I feel so deeply that there is something and as much as I don't want to doubt you- I can't start doubting myself. I want to tell you that if you are honest with me, I will do everything to work this out with you. We have a life together and that is the most important thing. Whatever it is, if you tell me, I won't scream (or whatever) at you. Please be honest- not knowing is far worse than anything that you tell me because if I don't know, I am powerless to do anything. This is my life, not just yours, please honor our life and relationship and tell me what is going on".
I can't go much further here- but if she continues to deny then you have two choices (as far as I can see). Either accept it or reject it. And act accordingly. If you accept it- then let it go and trust that she is going through something that she can't share with you. If you reject it, you have to re-evaluate your relationship.
Who knows what's going on with her- but be strong. It's hard because you start to doubt yourself- because they say one thing and you KNOW it's not right. Trust yourself. And maybe I would talk to a professional. Someone who can be your sounding board.
Keep posting- I hope to hear some good news!

 
Old 08-20-2006, 06:11 AM   #6
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Imalandsurveyor HB User
Re: what's happening with my to my wife/life?

12 yrs ago i was 29 and she was 33, my first marriage her second

 
Old 08-20-2006, 07:10 AM   #7
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Imalandsurveyor HB User
Re: what's happening with my to my wife/life?

Thank you for the responses. I talked with her on the phone last night, she told me how pretty the beach was and how she wished I were there. She finally started talking to me. She said she was disgusted with herself for hiding her spending problems from me for so long and had to fix it somehow. She also said she has problems with impulsivness and self control. She said she had to fix these things before we could truly be "together" again. She asked me to forgive her and wanted to know if I could ever trust her again. You must understand my life has been a living hell for the last 2 1/2-3 months during her turning away because I had no idea what was going on with her (except she was out running around with her friends) and I had all these "ideas" running around in my head. I understand and can totally forgive her about the money and there is no question about wanting to help her "fix" her problems and I am pretty sure the trust will just take some time. I am not sure where to begin to forgive her about her leaving me out in the cold while she knew I was hurting so bad and not considering my feelings. i still dont know how she could be so cold. I want to forgive her for that but not sure where to begin. Any advise with this will be appreciated.

Thank you

 
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