Hello my name is tom and im from the UK, I have this problem, on friday my girlfriend of one year and my first love split with me. She said that she still loves me but more like a friend then a boyfriend. Iam absolutely devistated I had so much more to give to her, I put her before myself for a year and I feel like I have just wasted my time. The thing is after breaking up with me she kind of back tracked and said she had alot going on in her life and a releationship wasn't somthing she needed at the moment an said she may get her life orginised and a in the future that love may return.
We were best friends before we got together and I made a promise that if we split that I would always be her best friend but iam finding it very difficult, The day after the split I orginised to goto the gym with her and just seeing her and knowing that she was no longer mine broke my heart, i've seen her today sunday also, we went round to one of our mutual friends houses together and chatted and kinda reminised over the past, I tryed so hard to keep a brave face on and even thanked her for trying to make it easy, but it hasn't made it easy. I got home and just broke down, which im not ashamed to say.... im trying to play a martyr and its very hard. Next week iam also going to a festival over the bank holiday and will be spending 2 days in a tent with her.
I just dont know what to do, I want her back so badly i cant imagine my life without her in it, thats why im trying so hard to be her friend, but each time I see her I just want to hold her tight and tell her how much i love her.
Granted she does have alot going on in her life at the moment, she just recently made the big descion to leave uni because it wasn't somthing she really wanted to do. She started working at a bank in the mean time while she figures out where she wants to go with her life. She also wants to go traveling and couldn't see where I would fit into that.
I am really trying my best to be her friend and i want to be deep down, but I also want her back. Everything reminds me of her and just stupid little things that made our releationship special I know ill no longer have and its just hurting so much.
What do you think I should do to try and win her back? or do you think I should let her get on with it and accept its over and be her friend?
Just abit more imformation, our releationship devoloped very quickly, she lived in a student house with 5 other girls and we quikcly devoloped a pattern where by id be there most nights and weekends, she has now moved out of the house and moved home with her parents, and thats where it seemed to go wrong. Iam 20 from the uk she is 21 we live quite close im just finding it difficult because the one person i would want to speak to about my problems would be her, but obviously i cant really do that. I have alot of friends but i dont think they would be able to help me... not the kind of people with great understanding and wouldn't make me feel better.
Btw, I thought I would add our releationships devoloped in what I thougth was a strange way, We was best friends, and ill be first to admit im not the best looking lad in the world, but she was a fashion design student really into looking good and her appearence, she is absolutely stunning, and I never really understood how it happened or how I was so lucky, towards the end our sex life did kinda drop to a hault and she was spending less and less time with me, she was going out with mates etc and finding excuses not to see me, and although i knew somthing was wrong she continued to say she loved me etc. I know for a fact she wouldn't of cheated, i know its a strange thing to say you KNOW, but she isn't that type of person, and our circle of friends wouldn't allowed it to happen. Towards the end it did become more like we was married and i did try to slow things down and make it more coupley with dates dinner out more often etc.
He Tom. Well, I know this is very hard for you, but it appears that your ex-girlfriend may love you but she is not IN LOVE with you. Unfortunately that isn't something anyone can help. I doubt there is anything you can to win her back. She thinks of you as a friend, and no longer has any kind of romantic interest. You can't really force something like that...
As you are finding out, trying to remain friends with her is proving very difficult. I think it would be in your best interest to cut off ALL contact with her, at least for awhile. You need to give yourself time to move on, and perhaps find another girl down the line. You'll just keep hurting yourself and taking two steps backward every time you hang out with her. It isn't good to keep putting yourself into situations where you know you'll be in pain. Hang in there.
The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~
I am sorry for you. I know how hard it can be. But I don't think it's a good idea for you to be friends with her. I know it's a normal reaction to hang on to the person that you love so much. But it hurts more than it does any good. I suggest that don't see her until you get over her (because you will one day, trust me). After that, you might be able to build a friendship.
For now, just take it one day at a time.
First, don't be ashamed to be sad. You love this girl, and the breakup is devastating. Breaking down is an outlet, and you need it. Trust me.
Second, stop trying to be her friend. Yes it's hard now because you don't want to let her go, but it's irrational for you. If you keep seeing her, you'll not be able to get her off your mind. It will literally drive you insane. It's a constant reminder that you want her back, but she still just wants to be friends. Hanging out as friends is no problems for her; it's what she wants. But it leads to big problems for you. Don't try to win her back. You won't. I'm sorry to be so terribly terse, but she didn't make her decision on a whim. To break up a year's worth of love took much, much thinking on her part. Stop seeing her.
You have a lot of friends. Talk to them. It may not seem like it to you, but you'd be surprised how much even the most insensitive friends can tell you.
Forget that you promised to be her friend if your relationship didn't work out...that's an unrealisting thing to have promised...and besides, I'm sure she made you many promises that she's not kept, am I right? You can't keep being friends with someone that you are in love with. It's too painful and besides that, how will you move on and find someone new if you spend your days hanging out with her? My BF was trying to be friends with his EX and I hated that...it's not a really good thing when a new woman comes along. All I could think of is that they had been intimate and the though of that made me feel like puking!!!!!
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I feel so sad for you as you seem so sweet. Leave her be, I know it's hard but there is no way you can be friends with her. When one person is still in love with another then a friendship will never work. You are little down on yourself because you wonder why such a stunning girl would go out with you - well, obviously you have a lot to offer - don't forget this! Don't think that you will never do better than her and just keep clinging on because you can and will do better. You will find someone who loves you and wants to be with you. I have to say that once a woman puts you in the "friend" category it is really hard if not impossible to become the "boyfriend" again.
You are both young, maybe she just wants to explore her life which is fine. So should you. She may have felt it was moving way too fast and she couldn't enjoy her freedom. This does not make her a bad person. Give her her freedom. At least she has been upfront with you and there is not another guy involved. Stop being friends with her because it is just too painful for you. She doesn't seem to have a problem with it because she may be getting an ego boost from you pining over her. Get on with your life and go out with your male friends and try and have a little fun. I know its a long hard road. I have been on both sides of this dilemma before.