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Old 08-21-2006, 10:21 AM   #1
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Don't know what to tell her

I sometimes wondered why my sister bothered to marry her husband, but I figured she knew why and she loved him so I just excepted him. He was doing thing I did not like at all but I stayed out of it. He is the type who didn't want to try to get a job until he was told if he was going to stay home he could care for his kids to save daycare exspense. He runs off every weekend leaving my sister at home to care for their kids and he spends his money follishly on childish stuff like video games and then hands over whats left for bills with much reluctance. He now has told my sister that he would like to start hanging out with a friend/co-worker, who happens to be female, when her husband is not around so she doesn't get into trouble. He thinks there is nothing wrong with this because he should be able to hang out with her and do the same things with her that he can do with his guy friends. My sister protested and he told ehr she had no trust in him and she got to hang out with a guy friend of theirs (he's gay) and it was no different. They are having problems and they decided to talk about what bothered them about their relationship. She brought up his selfish ways and he brought up how she shouldn't get upset that he wants to hang out with this girl. He doesn't see why it bothers her but yet he has no problem sneaking around behind this women's husband so she doesn't get into troule. My sister asked my advice and I told her she has the right to be upset or at least I would be. If it wasn't such a big deal than why does her husband feel the need to hide it from this womens' husband. Anyway she said if she doesn't let him hang out with this girl than he will tell her she is not trying to understand his side or feelings and if she doesn't try than why would he try to do better with being less selfish. I don't know what to tell her and she asks me. I would prefer for my sister not to have to go through problems like this anyway but she is. She is also asking my advice even though I would prefer to stay out of it. Anyone got any ideas on what safe advice I can giver her? He won't go to counseling because he thinks it's a joke and she loves him and leaving is something she keeps putting off.

 
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Old 08-21-2006, 10:51 AM   #2
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browneyed-babe HB User
Re: Don't know what to tell her

He sounds like a jerk. You make an obvious point that since this other woman's husband would have a problem with it then it surely is not innocent. He wants to spend time alone with this other woman without his wife being present - this is a problem. I can see if it is a mutual friend whom they both spend time with then it wouldn't be a big deal. But, seeing he wants to be alone with her behind her husband's back then he is definitiely in the wrong here.
I would tell your sister that she should tell her husband that if he wants to spend time with this other woman then it leaves her no choice but to tell the other woman's husband and this should put an end to the secret get togethers. If it was all innocent then all four of them could hang out together there would be no need for the secrecy. It sounds he is making an excuse to have an affair. Men don't want to do guy things with women - that is a bunch of s*** - if it were true he would be doing those things with his wife. This girl's husband knows something is up because he is not allowing the behaviour and she deserves to get into trouble as she is bringing it upon herself. Why this other girl is risking her marriage is beyond stupid and she may need a little wake up call too.
He should be contributing to the household - it is "their money" and bills should be first then entertainment.
There is nothing much other than that you can do as it may take her a while to see the light. Tell her to drop by unexpectidly when he and this girl are together and she may get an eye opener - sometimes women have to see things to actually believe them as our hearts rule our minds all too often.

 
Old 08-21-2006, 12:07 PM   #3
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Re: Don't know what to tell her

Pack her bags. That's the best advice you can give her. This guy is a loser.

 
Old 08-21-2006, 01:29 PM   #4
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alleycat2 HB User
Re: Don't know what to tell her

He claims that hey got to become closer because not only do they work together but she just started talking to him because she is having problems with her husband. So he makes it seem like they are a support group for one another. He claims he has never said a negative word about my sister when he talks to this girl about her but I too believe he is full of s_ _ _!

 
Old 08-21-2006, 01:52 PM   #5
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Re: Don't know what to tell her

There really isn't any advice you can give your sister that she doesn't already know. She already knows that she's married to a Peter Pan with hormones. Unless she's completely naive, she knows what she married and knows what she needs to do, but for whatever reasons, she's not willing.

Your sister's situation sounds exactly like my sister and her common law husband. She's been complaining about him for almost 20 years. I used to offer advice but finally realized she wasn't going to do anything about it but complain. I just had to learn to stay out of it. When she brings up something that he's doing now, I listen for a few minutes without comment, then change the subject. She's pretty stubborn sometimes. It takes a few tries to change the subject.

 
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