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Old 08-22-2006, 07:36 AM   #1
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steve41863 HB User
Marriage Problem

Hello, I hope you have some time as I have a lot to get off my chest.
I am a 43 yr old male in an unhappy marriage. I am on my 3rd marriage and I am sure there are many that can relate to these problems and have found answers, here are my specifics: My 1st marriage was of 16 yrs, we grew apart and mutually divorced, during and after that marriage I met a lady online, whom is my current wife, she was in an unhealty marriage and we grew close, seperated by 1000 miles yet did see eachother once during that time. We continued contact until I met my second wife, it was a whirlwind romance, we fell in love and married, she was 6 yrs younger than I, we had many heated battles and a bitter divorce after 2 yrs yet I had a hard time letting go and forgetting about her and never really did,I had fallen truly in love with her, I always still loved her and still do and thought about her on a daily basis, That relationship ended close to six years ago. Within a year after our separation yet not divorced, my current wife called me, just to see how things were going. We started talking again, flying back and forth to see eachother. Within a short time, we decided to get married. Before she would move here however she insisted we be married first in which I had to expedite my divorce and settle for terms I didn't agree to. (that was first mistake) That went thru and we were married within a year after my separation being married now close to 5 yrs. After some time, the "high" of being in love has faded, I have changed in my affection towards her, without being "ugly" I will just say she wasn't the person I thought she would be though I am not putting all the blame on her, my actions have indeed helped create some of the problems we are having today. It had created an unhappy enviroment, her showing and stating her unhappiness more than I and offering to walk out of the marriage in the past. Keep in mind she stated to be an extremely jeoulous woman and if I had ever cheated on her, I should pack my bags. Anyway, over that last 2 yrs things have gone downhill, my love, respect and affection for her is non-exisitent. I have told her this, she is now wanting to try to save the marriage, going to all extremes to be exceptionally nice, upbeat, positive, she is reading books on the subject. I don't believe that will last and those actions just irritate me. I have also told her this. Now, this loss of love I have experienced for her has been building for over 2 yrs now, remembering what I said about my second wife, the fact that I never stopped loving her or thinking about her even after 6 yrs of separation has suddenly appeared back into my life approx a month ago. We have talked and found that she has shared the same feelings as I have about eachother and she has not moved on because of it. We have talked, and I still love her with all my heart, we are not talking of marriage or even living together but having a shot at another relationship, this as you can imagine has put even more pressure on me and my current marriage. I have been completely honest with my current wife and have told her about being with the ex. Although extremely hurt, she still wants to work on us, she says she can love no one other than me, her dreams and future she want's with me and she will not give up, when in my current state of mind, I want her to tell me to pack my bags and get out. Over the last 5 yrs we have aquired many things and debt, and divorce would be financially devasting, but to show where my state of mind is, I don't care about any of that, her being hurt, yes I care but I don't feel her pain. Like I said, she knows all of this, I have been completely open and honest with her yet it dosen't seem to phase her. She want's to try, I don't have the will nor at this point do I want to, and that is regardless of whether the ex is in my life or not. I'm sorry this was so long but I could figure no other way to explain it, I guess my question is, is there any hope in my current state of my marriage actually working, espcially when my love and heart are with another. Or should I cut my losses and walk away.

 
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Old 08-22-2006, 08:38 AM   #2
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Re: Marriage Problem

I may be wrong, but I don't think it matters what you do, because love isn't the problem with your marriages.
I believe that the problem is that you don't see marriage as something that you are determined to succeed at. If you get a rough spot, or feelings waver, or you grew apart, well, there's that next whirlwind relationship.

Sometimes, for some people, marriage IS just a "piece of paper". Maybe it's that way for you and you would be better off not putting yourself through the financial/legal/emotional hassle of divorces in the future??

 
Old 08-22-2006, 09:13 AM   #3
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Re: Marriage Problem

Sounds to me like you are going to have to be the one to tell your current wife that you don't love her and there's nothing to work on. I mean, how are you going to keep living with someone that you do not love. Divorce is certainly a pain but what other option do you have?
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Old 08-22-2006, 10:28 AM   #4
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Re: Marriage Problem

Hi Steve

I partly understand your dilemma: living with someone that you no longer love or respect!! People change and so do our feelings.
There is nothing wrong in that. But I can suggest something that may make your life a bit easier..try and not mention your ex and your passion towards her if you really want to break up with your current wife. There is nothing to be gained except bitter feelings if you stir her jealousy. And you don't really need to hurt her by telling her how much you dislike her and disrespect her. Just walk away. Don't stay for material issues. And don't passively wait for her to ask you to pack your stuff. Why should you?

 
Old 08-22-2006, 10:32 AM   #5
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Re: Marriage Problem

Besty, I appreciate your imput and you are correct, I have always jumped into a marriage and seem to have regreted it later. Perhaps that makes me a selfish and bad person, and hopefully it's a lesson I can take to heart now and learn from.

Keepsgoing, I have told her everything, that I don't love her anymore, there are no feelings and that I have been seeing my 2nd wife. My problem is, though it may not seem it, I do actually have a heart and it's devasting to see her in such pain wanting to continue to try to keep this marriage together. As I said to Besty, perhaps I am selfish but agreeing with you, who wants to stay in a relationship where there is no love or respect on one side. She honestly believes our marriage can be saved by books and advice, it could be maybe if both parties are willing, but I can't get myself to want to.

Nina, thanks for your imput as well, I do not talk to her about my ex at all, I only originally told her because if nothing else she deserves the truth, you think along the same lines as I am regarding walking out, "why shouldn't I" , She is unemployed at this time but seeking a job, we own, or of course the bank owns our house. I can't leave her hanging out to dry while she is unemployed and I can't afford to pay for 2 residences along with everything else myself.

Last edited by steve41863; 08-22-2006 at 11:00 AM.

 
Old 08-22-2006, 11:27 AM   #6
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Re: Marriage Problem

hmmm, tough situation. I know that you are trying to consider her feelings by not leaving immediately. But you have to ask yourself what is going to change, and when. Later or sooner, the house situation will remain the same even if she gets a job, right? Has she got anything lined up at the moment?

Also if you don't mind me being nosy what made your relationship decline? Is it only knowing each other better? You mentioned that it was partly your mistake. I know that this is not the issue here but it can make us establish a better idea about the situation.

 
Old 08-22-2006, 11:53 AM   #7
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Re: Marriage Problem

Nina, Thats exactly what I have been asking myself and trying to express to her, things will change for a while but people are who they are and it will go back to the way it was. She has applications in yes, but nothing lined out,, she had quit a 35000.00 a year job about 4 months ago to start her own business which really never got off the ground floor except for the expenses of starting it.
As far as the relationship declineing, I believe part of it was the rush to get married and the not really knowing eachother as well as we wanted to believe. My part was that I stopped doing all the little things that I had done before, love notes, flowers, etc... but the things I started seeing in her that made me get these feelings were, she turned out to be lazy, come home and lay on the couch drinking wine and watching tv leaving me to do most housework, this was while she was and wasn't working, asking to be waited on, she became controlling in how things were to be done. She became jeolous for no reason of specific women and I was not allowed to associate with them on a casual basis. She would be extremely flirtatious with other men when drinking and would fly off the handle if another woman looked at me in a particular way. She started to become a very negative and rude person to the point my family would comment on such. Not a day would go by that she would not be complaining about something and anything. She couldn't go anywhere without someone having it out for her. Waiters, cashiers, clerks,, didn't matter, nothing was done to her standards. Anyway, my feelings changed, I stopped being as affectionate and thats the reason for her unhappiness. I see a future going back to what it was, she has changed drastically over the last 3 weeks, because of her fear of losing me I suppose, but I have asked her,, how long will that last,, I don't believe it will.

 
Old 08-22-2006, 12:10 PM   #8
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Re: Marriage Problem

Steve,
I agree - Get out of this marriage. You will only grow to hate and resent her if you don't. Now I am not one to just say throw away a marriage, but I have seen first hand people remaining in an unhappy marriage only to live to regret it. I know you feel some compasion for her and want to be sure she's OK, but make those plans and pack your bags. I was engaged to man for many years and living with him, only to hang on too long after I fell out of love with him. I stayed longer than I should and woke one morning and decided I didn't love this person and didn't want to marry him. It hurt, but I left and eventually married who I believe is my soul mate.
It will only hurt her more if you stay. It's not fair to you, but it's REALLY not fair to her either. She deserves to be with a man that will love and give her the things in life she wants. Leaving her is the right thing to do.
For you, on the other hand, before you go running back to your ex, make SURE you think long and hard before you jump back into the relationship. You said in your post that you had many heated battles with this woman and though people do change, "A tiger can still carry the same stripes" Just a warning.

 
Old 08-22-2006, 12:18 PM   #9
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Re: Marriage Problem

Thanks Susie,, I heed the warning and will not be jumping back into anything, she is aware of this, if we were to make a go of it, it would be a slow process, no living together and no marriage for a long time if at all, I will stand firm on that, I have learned my lesson !

 
Old 08-23-2006, 03:17 AM   #10
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MsInspiration HB User
Re: Marriage Problem

Steve,

It seems to me that you have always spent your time in relationships. Running from one, straight into another. Perhaps you need to spend some time working on yourself before you look for "answers" in other people.

Also, I just wanted to say that you seem to think your current wife has to do all the work to make this marriage work, when a marriage fails there are always three stories - yours, the partners and then the truth. I think laying all the demands on your wife by saying "how long can this last" is just a little too pig headed. Surely you need to make an effort also, if this marriage is to have any chance of being saved.

 
Old 08-23-2006, 04:12 AM   #11
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minijumbofly HB User
Re: Marriage Problem

I share MANY of your experiences with you and know first hand exactly what you feel now. I too rush into relationships very openly with optimism but grow discontent as time goes on and the incompatabilities reveal themselves.

I always believe that nobody would change unless they want to do it for themselves. If people try changing to appease others, it is either short lived or carried trade offs or side effects. I will never ask or expect someone to change habits or behaviors for me and vice versa. Convince your current wife not to waste the effort.

You are NOT "wrong" per say to have lost your love or feelings. There never is any cut and dry type right or wrong situation in any realtionship. You too deserve happiness as much as her or any other person for that matter.

It is NEVER easy to see and/or take the best option for the next step objectively because love IS blind. That is why an outsider see it clear as day while you feel like being in the fog. Most often you see it only in hind sight if at all.

To regret and nullify any relationship always carries heavy penalties, both emotionally and financially. The worst part is, delaying proper action will only increase the penalties in the end.

I am in the same situation as you are in now. i.e. A jealous second wife that I no longer love and cannot bring myself to try again. LOL Your wife and mine share so many qualities that they could probably be related.

I am telling myself that I am staying for my 6 year old. But I also know in the bottom of my heart that if I don't find a way out soon, I will just go berserk and blow up one day.

This is one of those "do as I say, not as I do" type input. I am praying that if I help others to see the light and control the damage, the karma would return to release me from my own prison some day.

Best of luck. We can all use some right about now.

 
Old 08-23-2006, 09:01 AM   #12
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steve41863 HB User
Re: Marriage Problem

Thanks all for you insights, advice and constructive critism, it is appreciated, I know what I have to do, am I being self centered and selfish, looking thru a rose colored glass, perhaps, but you only live once and life is too short to remain in an unhappy situation. I've taken paths I am not proud of and have hurt people in the progress. I hope to have learned from these mistakes and will make sure to take steps to avoid these situations in the future, that's all I can do

 
Old 08-23-2006, 09:44 PM   #13
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soulster HB User
Re: Marriage Problem

If you dont mind my asking, what did you and your second wife- the one you want to reconnect with again- fight over that lead to such heated battles and ultimatley divorce, as you had stated earlier?

Last edited by soulster; 08-23-2006 at 09:45 PM.

 
Old 08-24-2006, 06:00 AM   #14
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steve41863 HB User
Re: Marriage Problem

Soulster

Our fights were about anything and everything, little things, she was very independent then and headstrong, all I can think of is our love was so strong that made the fighting so intense because of the passion. It was one of those, we brought out the best of eachother and the worst of eachother. As far as reconnecting, that will have to be seen, it's been 6 years since we have talked or seen eachother, have there been changes? I don't know, but as I also stated, regardless of her being in my life and whether we make a go of it or not, my feelings in my current marriage are the same and not based on any future plans with the second wife.

 
Old 08-24-2006, 06:39 PM   #15
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Re: Marriage Problem

I really feel for you. My first husband was very abusive. He controlled everything in my life, when I could talk to my family, who I could have as a friend. I received a few broken bones from him and only by the grace of God did I not get hit by the 357 magnum that he shot at me and held to my head several times. I left him after almost 9 years of marriage.

I tried everything that I could to make it work. Sometimes it just doesn't. There are all types of abuse. You need to learn to set up clear boundaries in you relationships. Always remember that the intense passion that you feel in the beginnig of any relationship changes into something different. That doesn't mean it's bad it's just growing, and changing.

Before you do anything permanant, can I make a suggestion? Go seek a marriage counselor. You do not have to go with your wife. The therapist will be able to help you see why you seem to be following the same paths with each relationship that you enter. I'm sure that you do not like going through the pain of a broken relationship any more than your exes do.

Good luck and I hope that everything works out for you.

 
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