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Old 08-23-2006, 08:58 AM   #1
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Should a freindship be based on who you are partners with ?

I have been freinds with a couple for around 10 years now. I have been dating my b/f off and on for 3 years now. He has done some pretty messed up things. But he is getting better making changes. They do not believe him. They think I can do better etc... Well my heart tells me I should be with him . Yes he has done some things people do not agree with. but should they base our freindship on it. I was told some terriable things by them.. directed to me. They live next door to me, in a building they know the owner but I do as well as I have lived there before. They say had they known I was dating him they would have axed the idea of me being in there. Because of him. Now he is not living there. Just me. He comes over sure. Now the way they are acting he is charles manson. Not even close. He has some emtoional issues. But to say such terriable things to me. I feel like I have a warden I have to report to.And my whole freindship is based on who I date. Is this fair ?

 
Old 08-23-2006, 09:06 AM   #2
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Re: Should a freindship be based on who you are partners with ?

well they are probably seeing things that you are choosing not to see.
you said he did some messed up stuff......can you elaborate?
maybe they can just tell that he's no good and they are trying to help you, and you don't see it that way.

 
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Old 08-23-2006, 09:39 AM   #3
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Re: Should a freindship be based on who you are partners with ?

From what you've written, it doesn't sound like they've based their friendship on who you date, but are concerned for your well-being. Sometimes friends will tell us what we don't want to hear (or believe). These people have been your friends for 10 years. They're obviously still your friends, otherwise they wouldn't give a rip who you dated.

 
Old 08-23-2006, 09:46 AM   #4
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Re: Should a freindship be based on who you are partners with ?

well I know they are concerned for me. And no they do not think he is good for me. But should you say I want nothing to to with her" Because of that? I am an adult and make my own choices. I am the one living my life. OK we can agree to disagree.. but not stop being friends. You can be concerned and voice what you think, but not base things on who I am with.

 
Old 08-23-2006, 09:57 AM   #5
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Re: Should a freindship be based on who you are partners with ?

well you haven't elaborated on the messed up things he did......
maybe that has something to do with it.

for instance, just for example, if he was a burglar, why would they want to take the risk of having him in their house?

I'm not saying he is a burglar, but do you get my point? do you see where I'm going with this? Why don't you give us the rest of the information so we can make an informed conclusion? What messed up things did he do? or are you ashamed to say?

 
Old 08-23-2006, 10:08 AM   #6
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Re: Should a freindship be based on who you are partners with ?

Whatever the messed up things that he did involved them too?
At least they are being honest with you that they don't like him and as long as you are with him they dont want you as a couple around?

 
Old 08-23-2006, 10:24 AM   #7
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Re: Should a freindship be based on who you are partners with ?

Well he did have a drug problem.. DID no longer. It got to the point he pawned things that belonged to others to get money for drugs. He no longer does that. He broke up with me several times, he can be a negative person,he did not work @ one point, and I helped him finacially. He now has been for sometime and has paid me back. He did grab me once.. he was under the influence of drugs and booze. He has since sought help and is going to counselling. He works, has his own place, own things, is respectful to me , when he says he will do something he does them. Never did that before.

 
Old 08-23-2006, 10:28 AM   #8
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Re: Should a freindship be based on who you are partners with ?

well I can see why your friends aren't crazy about him.....
honestly don't you think you can do better?
how do you know he doesn't have a drug problem anymore? how did it stop?
even if he is mister wonderful now, I think it's a day late and a dollar short, and that's probably what your friends think too.

 
Old 08-23-2006, 10:48 AM   #9
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Re: Should a freindship be based on who you are partners with ?

Well I could do better ya, but he is the one I want to be with as odd as it may seem. And who are they to make my mind up for me , decide and then use a freindshipp as a pawn. I don't question there decisions. I would say what I thought then let them decide.

 
Old 08-23-2006, 12:01 PM   #10
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Re: Should a freindship be based on who you are partners with ?

Well, people do and can change for sure but he probably hasn't proven himself to them and they don't yet trust him. I'm with a man that had drug and alcohol problems some 14 years ago and his family still treats him like he's got problems. He has not touched a drop of alcohol in over 14 years but before he cleaned himself up, he was a real lulu! Some people can't forgive and forget very easily
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Old 08-23-2006, 12:06 PM   #11
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Re: Should a freindship be based on who you are partners with ?

I re-read your first post but I'm still not seeing how they're using the friendship as a pawn. Sure, they said that had known you were dating this guy, that they would've axed the idea of you being there, but that just sounds like they were concerned about what might happen with him being around.

 
Old 08-23-2006, 12:27 PM   #12
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Re: Should a freindship be based on who you are partners with ?

They have a right to decide who is in their life and if they decide your BF is one of those people, there is nothing you can do about it. It sounds like they are not only concerned for you but about what he is capable of. And for good reason from your post about his past...

You might have to accept they will never accept you two as a couple, and maybe not you alone at some point. They may lose respect for you by condoning him and allowing him into your life as a partner. And they may be wrong and he has truly changed. But as someone else said, they could be seeing things about him that you are oblivious to or are overlooking, believing that he is a changed man. Sometimes you need outside help in these situations.

My husband has a friend whose girlfriend is about the rottenest bee yatch alive and after awhile, I couldn't take it anymore and said something to him about how she treats him and their daughter. After spending time with them, I've decided that I no longer want to be associated with him while he is with her. He is a different person - he is weak and pathetic and a liar under her influence. But besides that, I don't like the drama that comes along with them as a pair. And that's my right, to chose who is in my life.

Maybe if your BF is different and trustworthy, eventually they will come to like him as you have. But be honest, step back from it and look at whether or not they are justified before hating on them for their actions.

 
Old 08-23-2006, 12:32 PM   #13
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Re: Should a freindship be based on who you are partners with ?

They said they wanted nothing to do with me so long as I was with him. I was a headcase and what others thought if they were still friends with me. I said yes. I got pff they were just being polite. They won't let him prove anything . They wanted to call me @ work and tear into me .

 
Old 08-23-2006, 12:38 PM   #14
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Re: Should a freindship be based on who you are partners with ?

All I can say is good luck and maybe you need to distance yourself from them if they're causing you so much stress. It sounds like your friendship is not good from either perspective. Try to meet new people and find someone that is your friend only, not another couple. You need your own support!

 
Old 08-24-2006, 05:32 AM   #15
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Re: Should a freindship be based on who you are partners with ?

Like others have mentioned, I think your friends are simply choosing who they allow in their lives.

Pawning things that belong to someone else is stealing. I wouldn't want someone in my life like that either.

Sometimes in life, we need to listen to our brains instead of our hearts.

 
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