Hi all. I have been seeing a new guy for about 5 months now and everything is great! He is a wonderful man and treats me wonderfully and makes me so happy! He is friends still with his ex gf which is fine and doesn't bother me at all. I mean he talks to her and when he went home for the fourth of july he hung out with her almost everyday. The only problem I have with him regarding her is that they sometimes tell each other that they love each other.....yeah. Now I understand that they are still friends and that yeah they probably do still love eachother in a friend sort of way, but it does bother me that he says this to her in front of me (on the phone). I mean he doesn't do it often b/c he doesn't talk to her that much, but still... Also I am pretty sure that he would not want me to be saying i love you to my ex!
SO, what do I do? I don't really want to be all weird about it and like they can't be friends, b/c they can! I just don't really want him saying that to her! I know she doesn't like me and still has feeelings for him and it probably makes her feel godo that he still says that and that maybe her whole plan is for me to be mad about this...and it is working a little! Although I would not call it mad, it is just weird and i don't like it but I don't know if I am really in the position to say anything yet....I think I have pretty understnading of his relationship with her and the fact that it does'nt bother me but this does! Any advice? I mean I am not worried about him cheating or anything like that b/c I know hoew much we care about each other and I am a confident person but I would jusst rather he didn't say that to her as I am sure he would not me to do that one of my ex's even if we were friends.....
SO, any comments, advice, ideas, thoughts would be much appreciated...thanks!
Wow. Honestly, I think it's quite disrespectful for him to do this in front of you. This would be a HUGE red flag to me and as soon as it happened I would have had a talk with my boyfriend if he did this to me in front of me. That's a really weird situation you are in. It could be innocent and all but c'mon, that guy needs to have some common sense that that is not boyfriend/girlfriend behavior you display in front of your significant other. I haven't had problems with my boyfriends being friends with their ex's but them saying I love you to them in FRONT of me would be crossing a HUGE line. You just don't do that. You have a right to feel weird about it and even discuss it with him.
I don't see why you seem to think that you have a need to suppress your feelings because your relationship is still budding at 5 months. A road to a healthy relationship is to share your feelings, not to hide them until later - which often ruins them.
The solution is easy. Tell him it bothers you. I don't think it's out of the question to just let him know that the "L" word is taboo in front of you. It certainly does seem like common sense to not use it in front of your significant. But as pointed out repeatedly, common sense is something we men seem to lack
By the way, I think it's doubtful that the ex is behind this. It's hard to program that situation.
Thats not acceptable. Even if they do still love each other in a "friend way"...do they NEED to express it to one another?
Some people need to OWN the fact that they were previously in a romantic relationship with someone..and that it DOES change things. None of that "can we still be friends" crap. Even if you can be friends...there is still a boundary that cannot be crossed when you have a partner.
Great beauty and virtue rarely dwell together.
I think that you are being way too trusting...you'll wake up one day and find out that they are still going at it...if you know what I mean. The biggest problem I see here...besides the "I love you" crap is that you say that she still has feelings for him...he's just leading her on if you ask me and giving her reason to hope she can still get him back one day..that is what she wants right?
You know, before I give my opinion on this situation, there are 2 things that I need to say here.
1. It is absolutely amazing what some people will put up with.
2. Jealousy, which is often given a really bad name, is actually a VERY useful emotion. USE IT!
Now, my opinion is this...I'm a guy ok and I like to think that I'm caring, considerate of other's feelings, and generally have a good amount of common sense. To say that I would NEVER EVER say 'I love you' to an exgirlfriend, ESPECIALLY when my new girlfriend is right in the room with me, would be an understatement!
Secondly, if my girlfriend was talking to her ex that way, there is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY I would ever allow this to go on. I already know what I would do, I would be very firm and demand that this person make a choice right now...either you get rid of them or I walk. Of course, I could never trust that person again, so I would probably eventually walk anyway. Who needs to worry about people going behind your back?!
The signs are up all over the walls, hun. READ THEM!
Well, for now i think I am just going to give him the benefit of the doubt that he only said it because she said it and that he was a little disoriented b/c she called and woke us up. Also like I said they are still friends and she was just calling to congratulate him on graduation so I guess I can kinda see how she might throw in an "I love you" with a congratulations. I am not trying to make excuses but I could see someone saying that with a congratulations attached in a friend way. Also the sitaution with her has gotten A LOT better lately, like they don't talk as much and she doesn't still act like his gf, and she seems to be "letting go" if you will. So for now I am not going to let it bother me because this is only the second time I heard him say that to her (the first was a "luv ya" when we were not very serious, but now even though we are not labeled bf and gf we are more serious) but if it happens again I am going to say something for sure b/c even if they are just friends I do not want him saying "love you" to another woman!
What do you all think about that? does that sound like a good way to approach this situation?
My ex of many years has probably messed up several relationships that I have had by just trying to weed his way back into my life. And he does this on purpose. So believe me, I know, when a former ex is still talking and just being friends, it's probably one or the other who is checking up on things. It got to the point to where as soon as I'd start associating, my current relationship would somehow fail, like a secret plan or technique to keep me tied to him. You gotta cut the cord if you want to move on, otherwise you will continue spinning a useless wheel.
Last edited by *DottieGirl*; 08-25-2006 at 10:57 PM.
This subject comes up a lot and is obvious a problem for a lot of relationships...usually the SO isn't saying "I love you" to the ex though!!!!!!! What I have said before is that when you are dating someone and they feel this need for hanging on to an EX and you aren't comfortable with it...you should move on because it's not fair to stop someone from being with the person they want to be with(the EX) but it's not fair to the GF/BF that's sitting back watching this relationship carry on with the so called EX. Usually what's going on is the new gf/bf is sitting back getting madder and madder but they don't feel right to say anything because "they are just friends with the EX". Noone really wants to see their BF carry on with a woman that they used to love and have sex with...it puts a huge strain on the new relationship. For those that think I'm just being the jealous type I say "well bully for you if you don't have a problem with this but I do!!!!!!" I'm realistic about how things work and often times they will end up either getting back with the EX or having sex with the EX behind the new person's back!