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Old 08-23-2006, 12:18 PM   #1
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May not be my buisness but she's lying!

My sister-in-law started dating this guy and suddenly was always broke. We thought she was buying him stuff but she continued to be broke after breaking up ith him. She would claim all her money went to bills and food and clothes for her kids but than we found out her Mom had been helping her along with stuff. So where was all this extra money going too? She gets a check from work and child support. We figured out that she probably has a gambling problem. She wants to move in with her new man who happens to be an old boyfriend with a drinking problem. Her mom told her if she does she would stop helping her with the kids and some of her bills. She doesn't want her to think it's ok to waste her money on booze for her new man. Now my sister-in-law is basically going door too door still asking people for money and using the kids as a sob story. Ever since I have known her she always has a scam going and I think this time she is trying to convince anyone who will listedn that she needs to move in with her man and keep getting help from her mom. I don't want to be involved but I am getting sick of her stories and giving her money because ou never know if her stories are true. However if they are we keep handing over money because we don't want the kids to go with out.

 
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Old 08-23-2006, 01:21 PM   #2
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Re: May not be my buisness but she's lying!

stop giving her money and only give her gift certificates for food and clothing for the kids. or if it's a bill she needs paid, then write a check to the utility company etc. nothing else you can do.

Last edited by Silver Lining; 08-23-2006 at 01:22 PM.

 
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Old 08-23-2006, 01:31 PM   #3
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Re: May not be my buisness but she's lying!

Thats a great idea - she can't turn those kinds of money favors into liquor store trips... or pour it into her new boyfriend's bad habits.

I agree, I would have a hard time not helping if kids were involved. I feel for those children, you wonder if she's capable of those things how well she treats them. Do you have reason to suspect that they are in anyway being neglected by her drinking or gambling and her various relationships?

 
Old 08-23-2006, 01:52 PM   #4
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Re: May not be my buisness but she's lying!

stop giving her money, you're basically giving her fish......someone needs to teach her to fish. you're perpetuating her dependence.

She may be your SIL, but she's not your problem. Where is the father of these kids? Stop worrying about the kids. those kids will be just fine. Do you really think her mother would let her grandkids go hungry? If her mother wants to keep fostering her dependency, it's her choice. Remove yourself from this situation.......

you can always call child services on her.

 
Old 08-23-2006, 10:01 PM   #5
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Re: May not be my buisness but she's lying!

Well, she's probably spending money to buy her boyfriend alcohol. Alcoholism is such a co-dependent disease and a viscious cycle. Even if you give her gift certificates for things for her kids, that just means she'll use her other money to continue to buy alcohol for her boyfriend, and you'll have to keep paying for her kids. Could you possibly confront her on this? I she needs to get some counseling, possibly Al-Anon can help her, if she's willing. She needs to put her kids in front of her man and start to take care of herself. This may involve some tough love on your part, and her kids may suffer because of it, but just keep a careful eye on the situation, as I'm sure you love the kids as well. If you see them in harm or without the necessities, then maybe consider child services. But, a sort of "intervention" might be in order here.

 
Old 08-23-2006, 10:12 PM   #6
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Re: May not be my buisness but she's lying!

Quote:
Originally Posted by minnesotagirl
Well, she's probably spending money to buy her boyfriend alcohol. Alcoholism is such a co-dependent disease and a viscious cycle. Even if you give her gift certificates for things for her kids, that just means she'll use her other money to continue to buy alcohol for her boyfriend, and you'll have to keep paying for her kids. Could you possibly confront her on this? I she needs to get some counseling, possibly Al-Anon can help her, if she's willing. She needs to put her kids in front of her man and start to take care of herself. This may involve some tough love on your part, and her kids may suffer because of it, but just keep a careful eye on the situation, as I'm sure you love the kids as well. If you see them in harm or without the necessities, then maybe consider child services. But, a sort of "intervention" might be in order here.
I completely agree. I was thinking alcohol, maybe drugs/gambling too? If you give her other forms of money (gift certificates) she could easily sell or trade those for something in return. Cut her off completely. Like the others said, she's your sister in law, yes, but not your burden.

 
Old 08-24-2006, 02:59 AM   #7
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Re: May not be my buisness but she's lying!

How old are these children??????

You know you can always tell if their is a problem at home by talking to the children.

If it was me I would make sure the kids are getting fed and has what they need. but sometimes that can be a problem cause if the kids don't get her any money they could be very well punished for it.

It is ashamed how some parents use their children the help support their bad habits. and I have a feeling that it is not just alcohol it could be very well some sort of drugs too.

but I would do what 1 post said about getting gift certificates. and see what happens from there.

 
Old 08-24-2006, 05:56 AM   #8
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Re: May not be my buisness but she's lying!

Even gift certificates can be pawned and cashed these days!
I have known people on welfare that sell their food stamps at 50% discount for cash so they can buy drugs and alcohol.

If you want to help in the name of the children, see and judge for yourself what they need and spend exactly as they need. Don't listen to what your SIL say and be sure to put up some protective barrier financially. Addicts are desparate people and if lies don't work, they'll resort to more drastic actions like theft or blackmail.

I fear and pray for these children. I assume your brother is their father, he really should investigate into possible custody of his own children.

 
Old 08-24-2006, 06:53 AM   #9
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Re: May not be my buisness but she's lying!

I have seen through her scam. I myself think she has a gambling problem and may now be also supporting her boyfriends drinking now so he will watch her kids while she goes out and gambles. I have been standoffish about giving her money but than it makes me look like I don't care about the kids because she is using them as an exscuse. My Mother-in-law encourages my husband to hand over money out of our already tight budget and he does even though part of him knows she is running a scam. I can't say anything negative about my sister-in-law (his sister) without him getting grouchy. I keep out of it as much as I can unless it affects me! However I know she is lying about her reasons for needing money because I have heard and seen how crazy and foolish in ehr spending she gets. We gave her money he other day and she misplaced it and when she founnd it she used it for cigarettes and stuff for herself. We gave her the money because she claimed the kids had no food. The kids are between the ages of 5 and 14 (3 kids). The kids all have different Fathers. I also hate how she uses the kids like that. I will be a parent soon and I can't imagine using my child as a bargaining chip!

Last edited by alleycat2; 08-24-2006 at 06:56 AM.

 
Old 08-24-2006, 07:04 AM   #10
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Re: May not be my buisness but she's lying!

Alleycat - The 3 kids have 3 different father, certainly she can get some child support out of at LEAST ONE of them?

 
Old 08-24-2006, 09:15 AM   #11
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Re: May not be my buisness but she's lying!

This is even sadder than I had hoped for.

An addict couple with three kids from 3 different previous relationships. That ought to speak a lot for the type of person she is. I doubt her children will ever get what they need regardless of how much money passes through her hands.

Your husband is also in a difficult position especially since his mother is pleading for his sister without offering a permanant solution. So try not to add insult to injuries, just continue to keep out as much as you can.

Focus on your own motherhood now and pray for the children with me. This will take some divine intervention to turn the whole thing around.

 
Old 08-24-2006, 01:45 PM   #12
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Re: May not be my buisness but she's lying!

Tha is one of he problems though. My husband giving in and giving her money from our tight budget. Than are bills are behind or we go without something because she is getting money from him by using the kids as a guilt trip. I am trying to focus on the upcoming birth of our baby but it makes me wonder if my what my child will go without because my husband feels the need to give to his sister, who is only being selfish!

 
Old 08-24-2006, 02:34 PM   #13
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Re: May not be my buisness but she's lying!

actually your problem is with your husband, and not your SIL

if he keeps giving her money, it's going to cause serious resentment with you.

I don't know what to tell you, except to make it clear to him that you have a baby to take care of, and that comes first.

 
Old 08-25-2006, 09:29 AM   #14
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Re: May not be my buisness but she's lying!

This will be hard as you are working against a family bond, (your husbands family before you came along) But since you are having problems keeping up with bills, that means you are already tapped out. This would be a real good time to just lay out the whole thing for your husband and his mother. "You cannot give what you don't have."

The next instance that you need something for yourself or your baby but is without, just ask your husband calmly what now? If he cannot give you an answer, call his mother and just calmly ask her the same thing.

You cannot resolve this by duress nor ultimatum. You'll just have to remind them that YOU (yourself & the baby) are also a part of the family now and you are also entitled to the basic needs.

 
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