It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 08-23-2006, 10:29 PM   #1
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: sydney
Posts: 111
Chez19 HB User
Am I over demanding?

Hi all,

Today it dawned on me that most of the things I get irritated with my boyfriend about come from a general feeling that I make more of an effort in the relationship than he does. We have a very strong and close relationship... we see each other every day and are always in contact with each other... But I realised that most of the reason that it is like that is because I arrange it to be possible. I plan ahead to... get my work done and out of the way so I can spend the afternoon with him. But he never does the same? Instead he'll sleep in till noon (when I have been working) and then won't be able to see me because he has this work to get through. Is it just a guy thing?

Or, for instance, because we're seeing each other tonight... he doesn't think to come over today, even briefly, because i'm home with the flu... and we live literally streets apart. If he were home from work unwell, and I was around the corner in my home... I wouldn't think twice about going over to see him. But I think that HE thinks that its not necessary because he's seeing me tonight. I feel like he... takes our relationship for granted. Kind of has the attitude of "Why does it matter if I don't see you now, I'll see you later."

I'm wondering if either... I'm making too much effort, i'm demanding too much of him or we simply don't click. I can't imagine life without him I love him so much... but is it enough? Am I demanding too much and need to get my own life?

Sorry it's so long. Any thoughts appreciated! Men and women!

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 08-24-2006, 04:20 AM   #2
Senior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Lagos, Nigeria
Posts: 176
minijumbofly HB User
Re: Am I over demanding?

Sorry, your BF is guilty as charged; as with many other "MEN" But it does NOT mean you don't click per say or he does not love you or care bout you. It's not like that at all!

No. You are not demanding too much. But just remember the "Venus Women Mars Men" thing. You are expecting your BF to do these things because that's what YOU would do. It does not work that way.

Relationships are more about learning and reading each other than expecting. Much of this requires mutual training and total honesty in communication. And, if it's done right, a lot of fun can be had in the process too.

What seems obvious to you can be just down right mystical to him. So, when he gets to your place tonight, just tell him out right that you feel a little neglected when being sick. Remember? Training?

The good news is, your BF is just being non attentive, a minor issue compared to guys that are too good in anticipation of a woman's thought. Those have a tendency to play mind games and manipulates to their advantages.

So, touch wood and have some fun with your BF tonight.

 
Old 08-24-2006, 05:41 AM   #3
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: USA
Posts: 1,651
StenoLady1 HB UserStenoLady1 HB User
Re: Am I over demanding?

If your relationship is truly strong, and you both honestly enjoy the way things are going, I don't think you're being overdemanding.

You sound like an organized, efficient person, who can't relax until life's chores are done for the day. I'm guilty of same.

Just on a side note, if you're this way with other aspects of your life and you're unsure of a professional career path to work towards, this is a signature trait of a court reporter. We need more with this type of ethic!

 
Old 08-24-2006, 05:58 AM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 797
eve40 HB User
Re: Am I over demanding?

Just remember, when a woman does all the work, in a relationship, she creates a "lazy" lover. And why wouldn't he be? You are doing everything to keep it going, so he doesn't have to. Just back off and let him do some of the work, let him wonder where you are and what you are doing, he'll enjoy the hunt. If he doesn't step up to the plate, you might want to ask yourself if you are getting as much as you are giving, or if perhaps you are being taken for granted a bit.

 
Old 08-24-2006, 06:06 AM   #5
Inactive
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 54
purple_rain HB User
Re: Am I over demanding?

Quote:
Originally Posted by eve40
Just remember, when a woman does all the work, in a relationship, she creates a "lazy" lover. And why wouldn't he be? You are doing everything to keep it going, so he doesn't have to. Just back off and let him do some of the work, let him wonder where you are and what you are doing, he'll enjoy the hunt. If he doesn't step up to the plate, you might want to ask yourself if you are getting as much as you are giving, or if perhaps you are being taken for granted a bit.
i agree. i couldnt have put it better myself. i think i may take this advice myself.

 
Old 08-24-2006, 07:49 AM   #6
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 679
Bracelet HB User
Re: Am I over demanding?

I'm actually seeing this differently. It's clear that you are totally wrapped up in your relationship and have very little time on your own. Your entire being and essence of who you are is completely inter-twined with your relationship. You don't really have much of an identity outside of your relationship. That's why this is bothering you so much, because you're expecting your boyfriend to be your only form of entertainment, and you don't really know what you can do outside of your relationship to make yourself fulfilled.

This is actually a very unhealthy relationship. And I know this because I've been where you are. I've been in that position where I had no life outside of my relationship, and subsequently when the relationship ended, I was freaking out because I had no idea how to be alone. I didn't know who I was because I totally defined my entire being based on who I was within the relationship. It was a rude awakening. But at least I realized it and was able to become uber-independant. Subsequently, for the first time in my life, I'm in a relationship where I am really enjoying knowing that I am totally independant of my boyfriend, and I don't always need him to keep me entertained all the time. I can find stuff to do on my own or with my friends to keep me occupied.

You should strive to do more for yourself in your down time when you're not with him. But you should also not spend every waking moment together. You are spending entirely too much time together. That type of relationship rarely ever lasts, because inevitably, one of the parties involved gets really sick of always seeing the other person and wants out.

If you want this relationship to last, you need to start spending some time apart doing your own stuff. Whether that's joining a local pottery class or scheduling a shopping day with your friends or going to the movies with your sister, whatever the case may be - it has to be at least a couple of times a week. Otherwise, you guys are totally not going to last with the way you're carrying on.

Believe me, I've been where you are. All of the signs are there. I can't stress to you enough how vital it is for the health of your relationship to ensure that you are capable and able to spend time independant of one another, and that you don't spend so much time focusing on him when you're not with him. You do have a life when you're not with him, but you're just not living it. That's your biggest mistake.

 
Old 08-24-2006, 08:18 AM   #7
Inactive
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 54
purple_rain HB User
Re: Am I over demanding?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bracelet
I'm actually seeing this differently. It's clear that you are totally wrapped up in your relationship and have very little time on your own. Your entire being and essence of who you are is completely inter-twined with your relationship. You don't really have much of an identity outside of your relationship. That's why this is bothering you so much, because you're expecting your boyfriend to be your only form of entertainment, and you don't really know what you can do outside of your relationship to make yourself fulfilled.

This is actually a very unhealthy relationship. And I know this because I've been where you are. I've been in that position where I had no life outside of my relationship, and subsequently when the relationship ended, I was freaking out because I had no idea how to be alone. I didn't know who I was because I totally defined my entire being based on who I was within the relationship. It was a rude awakening. But at least I realized it and was able to become uber-independant. Subsequently, for the first time in my life, I'm in a relationship where I am really enjoying knowing that I am totally independant of my boyfriend, and I don't always need him to keep me entertained all the time. I can find stuff to do on my own or with my friends to keep me occupied.

You should strive to do more for yourself in your down time when you're not with him. But you should also not spend every waking moment together. You are spending entirely too much time together. That type of relationship rarely ever lasts, because inevitably, one of the parties involved gets really sick of always seeing the other person and wants out.

If you want this relationship to last, you need to start spending some time apart doing your own stuff. Whether that's joining a local pottery class or scheduling a shopping day with your friends or going to the movies with your sister, whatever the case may be - it has to be at least a couple of times a week. Otherwise, you guys are totally not going to last with the way you're carrying on.

Believe me, I've been where you are. All of the signs are there. I can't stress to you enough how vital it is for the health of your relationship to ensure that you are capable and able to spend time independant of one another, and that you don't spend so much time focusing on him when you're not with him. You do have a life when you're not with him, but you're just not living it. That's your biggest mistake.
wow youve been recieving GREAT advice in response to your post. eve had a great point. and now bracelet has posted another genius piece of advice. listen to them very carefully. i think they may be right.
try to take time out for yourself. what have you always wanted to do? anything new youd like to take up? think about it. browse the internet. make time for yourself, learn to be by yourself. youll feel more confident, youll love yourself a lot more, he'll be attracted to that. he'll probably chase you a lot more. give it a go- do this for yourself for once and not him!

(bracelet- youve hit it on the nail for me i think- not being at uni, al my friends being away has made me a little miserable and moaney towards my bf- i think more time apart doing the things i love instead of sitting around moaning about the state of my relationship would do me good- my confidence has gone recently- i just need to spend more time away from him loving myself)

 
Old 08-24-2006, 09:03 AM   #8
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Florida
Posts: 86
ispyrebel HB User
Re: Am I over demanding?

I had a boyfriend that was distant like that. Always saying he needed his "Quiet Time"

One night, I went over unannounced, quess what...He was having his quiet time alright!!!!!!!!!!!

 
Old 08-24-2006, 09:33 AM   #9
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 44
mrslots HB User
Re: Am I over demanding?

Well sometimes roles can be reversed in a relationship. I am a currently in a three-month friendship/relationship where me the guy is the one putting in the effort and my girl is emotionally and physically unavailable. She has told me she does not trust guys because of past traumatic experiences, but she views me differently because I treat her with respect and genuinely care about her. Unfortunately, she continues to keep her feelings and emotions bottled up especially when I asked her whether she was in love with me. Recently she came down to south Florida with her best friend to visit me and at time it seemed like I wasn't even there. I confronted her on this and she says she didn't mean to be insensitive. As a 28 year-old guy with no past relationships to speak of, I need the attention and affection and if it isn't there I need to look elsewhere.

mrslots

 
Old 08-24-2006, 06:21 PM   #10
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: sydney
Posts: 111
Chez19 HB User
Re: Am I over demanding?

Wow thanks guys!

Very much appreciated. I do agree that a) i do too much for him and probably need to step back so he can have room to miss me and make more of an effort (this process already in motion) and b) i need to develop more condifence outside of my relationship with him. For the record, though, I go out with different friends and my family probably twice a week without him, and thoroughly enjoy it. Plus I work 3 days a week which also obviously gives us space to breath. I also don't live with him so we definitely aren't around each other all the time. I do admit that I have too much emotional dependence on him though, which is just a result of difficult times I have been experiencing at home with a mentally ill parent (where home isn't really my sanctuary most of the time).

One more thing I would like to run past you bright people though... We have been working through (with diffiuculty) issues with his high school friends who were extremely rude to me and most of the women continually spread rumours about me that I was responsible for breaking up his previous relationship (100% not true). My BF, as a result, distanced himself from them for the best part of a year and is now beginnign to see them again, which, of course I had trouble with. I do acknowledge however that friends are an essential part of life and he has every right to keep friendly with people who were important to him, regardless of whether or not they like me. However because things are so terrible and uncomfortable between me and the friends, it's virtually impossible for me to join them every time they go out. When it's just guys I never care to go, but when other girlfriends and women are there it does bother me that I'm not included. Should I ignore it and just get over these little outings and not say anything, or should I insist that they be done in moderation out of respect for me since I can't go? I don't want to tie him down.. but then again I don't want him always going out with them without me (before he stopped seeing them this year, he was going out with them 2 and 3 times a week).

 
Old 08-25-2006, 08:06 PM   #11
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: USA
Posts: 633
LostMyHeart HB User
Re: Am I over demanding?

Well, I'm the same way as your bf, so I hope it's not just a "guy thing".
I'm so not a morning person and the only thing that gets me out of bed before noon is having to be at work. And if I knew I was seeing someone later in the day, I wouldn't bother them before that either. First, I like to enjoy my "me" time and second, I don't like to crowd others. I take the same attitude as your bf - I'll see you later in the day so why do we need to talk before that.

As far as him going out with friends, I don't personally believe that anyone should call the shots in anyone else's life (ie: Insisting he keep it in moderation).
My advice would be for you to express your own feelings about it. Tell him you feel left out , then leave it up to him to decide what he wants to do about it. If he lessens the outings, you gotta good man. If not, only you can decide if you will accept that or not.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
not sure which category to put this,various problems for over 15 years !! eevee General Health 7 01-21-2009 08:48 PM
UPDATE!!!! Re: am i over re-acting? deskette Relationship Health 98 09-29-2008 07:53 AM
partner suddenly about to leave me over not going to bed at same time!???? t_411 Relationship Health 98 10-22-2007 12:24 PM
Someone, anyone...tell me to get over my ex! :) BostonGirl44 Relationship Health 8 11-01-2006 01:30 PM
is life over at 36?? whatamess@35 Neuropathy 83 11-25-2005 03:19 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:52 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!