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Old 08-23-2006, 11:05 PM   #1
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Have I fallen out of love?

Long Time No Talk.. Hehe :-)

I've been in a serious relationship for about 6 months now, and I've known her for almost 2 years. I almost live over her house and know all her friends and family really well. We both have great times together and everything.

She's one heck of a girl... For the most part, she has the most amazing personallity and knows me better than I do sometimes! It really blows my mind on everything. I am very comfortable with her and can talk to her about anything and everything... I never been that close to someone before like that.

She's the type of person that will come out and be with you when your upset or sick, she's always there for you. She does work around the house for you, she loves being a part of your life and is willing to do anything and everything for you. She tells you how great of a person you are and how smart you are and makes you feel like your a better person. She makes you believe you can actually do stuff with you life. She supports you 100%.

Me and her have done stuff that I haven't done since I was a kid, we've went to waterparks, the beach, mini-vacation, camping, etc. We've done so much together and she has made me a much more social and active person. I used to sit at home every single day doing nothing. I used to never went out.

Even after 6 months... We still cuddle and kiss like crazy, and we have a wonderful sex life.

Now... The downsides:

1. She's Bipolar and ADD. She can be very moody and has a short fuse.

2. We had a rough spot that lasted a month or so and we were very close to breaking up. We were fighting a few months steady before it hit the rough spot. We found out it was the birth control affecting her hormons. She got off it and all is well and sex life is great... however, because of the rough spot, you learn that a lot of your family doesn't like her and they tell you that you can do better. During this time, you have a fling with another girl because you think it's over, you tell her about it and she becomes insecure now.

3. I am not sexually attracted to her. She's very overweight and eats a lot. I often find myself looking at other girls and tonight, I had a girl hitting on me and I was hitting back. I often find myself surfing personals website and thinking that I want to be with a "average" girl instead of a overweight girl.

4. Her and her family are VERY Poor and Dirty. They live in the middle of nowhere (an hour from my house) where there is no cell phone service, no cable, and phone service is very unreliable. They live in a very old trailer which has mold growing and is very dirty and dusty. They don't have decent cars or anything. Her mom can also be a very moody person.. very physo to say the least.

5. She's a VERY VERY Social person who has MANY friends and is ALWAYS on the go. I have a lot of insecurites with relationships in general because of some past I had. I often worry sick and freak out wondering who's she's with, what's she's doing, etc. She's very understanding and gives me no reason to worry, but deep down, I still do.

Okay, This is where I am confused. Part of me wants to be with her, but another part of me doesn't. The parts that bother me the most is her moodiness, their lifestyle, and overweight.

I'm always dreaming (wishing) I was with a average girl that lived a average lifestyle with a calmer personallity (non-bipolar) and sometimes I get upset because I'm not with what I truly want.

Right now I'm torn.. I do like being around her and I'm very comfortable around her... We have a lot of good times and I feel like a "couple" for the most part, but just the moodiness, lifestyle, and overweight REALLY bothers me a lot and I'm having a very hard time getting past that.

What do you guys think?

Thanks!
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Old 08-24-2006, 04:48 AM   #2
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Re: Have I fallen out of love?

Your girl sounds like a very nice young lady who gives way to much of herself, to make up for her lack of confidence. You sound like a very nice young man who has gotten way too much from your girl and are starting to take her for granted. Only you can decide if the good outweighs the bad.

 
Old 08-24-2006, 05:01 AM   #3
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Re: Have I fallen out of love?

I dont know if you have fallen out of love or not- only you can answer that after digging deep within yourself and giving yourself time.
But ill give you my opinion after reading what you have posted- i dont think you are in love with her.
Read over your post again...take a step back...i think youll probably agree with me. I think you know already.

 
Old 08-24-2006, 05:06 AM   #4
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Re: Have I fallen out of love?

There is a simple answer for this:

If you even have to ask yourself the question, your not in love.

Love is secure and your not secure about your feelings for her. That aint love.
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Old 08-24-2006, 02:43 PM   #5
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Re: Have I fallen out of love?

I just wonder when I read your post...were you ever in love with her...


Those things that you say you like about her at the beginning (minus the part about the sex life) are wonderful things to say about someone, but...you could say those things about a best friend, sister, grandma, etc.

On the other hand, the things you say at the bottom, things that bother you about your relationship/her, are huge, important factors in a relationship!! You're not attracted to her, it bothers you that her family is poor (yet you say you still spend lots of time there...), your family doesn't like her, you don't share the same socialization patterns--but you don't like it when she socializes on her own, and her mental issues bother you.

She's not going to change--she's most likely to always be moody, she's always going to have ADHD and Bipolar, she's always going to want to go out and spend time with a lot of people, and chances are that she is going to stay overweight. If you are so bothered by these things now, that's not going to go away, it's going to get worse.

It's nice to be comfortable with someone, and be in a groove of spending time with someone "as a couple." But where do you see this going?

Do you really think this girl deserves to believe she is in a loving, committed relationship when you're over there browsing personal ads and saying how unattracted you are to her? You say your sex life is great, but I'm sorry, I don't see how that is possible when you're not even attracted to her! Also, you had a fling with someone else because you *thought* it was over between you? If you're still together, it's cheating whether you were going through a rough patch or not, and no wonder she feels insecure because of it.

I feel bad, Mike, because I find that my responses to your posts generally have negative undertones, but I feel very strongly that people deserve to know where they stand in a relationship. You've been questioning this as long as you've been dating her! To stay in the relationship while allowing her to believe that you love her and are attracted to her, when in reality you are dreaming of a thinner woman and wishing for a more "average" girl is selfish! It's like saying that she should suffer and be deceived because you like being part of a "couple."

The longer you let this go on, the more she is going to get deeper into this and expect commitment from you. And, the more it's going to hurt her when you won't do it and when you inevitably break it off. Which, judging by your internet personals searching and how you enjoy flirting, might just happen if someone else showed enough interest.

 
Old 08-24-2006, 05:58 PM   #6
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Re: Have I fallen out of love?

Totally agree with every word of redsoxgirl2418's post.

It is really unfair to be in a relationship with somebody and meanwhile be searching through personal ads, dreaming of meeting a better girl. It sounds like she is a good friend, and you don't want to lose the friendship. But it's a risk you're just going to have to take..
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Old 08-25-2006, 08:56 PM   #7
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Re: Have I fallen out of love?

Hey Mike,
I too agree with redsoxgirl. If you truly loved this girl, I don't think you would be looking elsewhere, wishing for someone different than her. I think you just enjoy the company and benefits of a "relationship", but would rather be with someone else if they were to come along.

 
Old 08-26-2006, 05:05 AM   #8
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Re: Have I fallen out of love?

Agreement with all previous posts. You are NOT in love, period.

You enjoy her beneficts but is bothered by her imperfections. You just want to 'have your cake and eat it too.' And that's really unfair to her, especially since she puts out so much for you.

While everybody fantasize things from time to time, you'll have to ask yourself if you are fantisizing or prospecting while holding on to your security blanket.

If you cannot return the favors when she is in need, then this is a one sided relationship and she is going to get the short end of the deal...in a BIG way.

Like in any relationship, there is no absolute right or wrong.
You'll have to decide if you are willing to stick with the other person through the thick or thin, sickness or health, sorrow or joy, rich or poor etc etc...if you get my point.

These things are not in the marriage vows just to give the priest, rabbi or judge something to say at the ceremony. They do mean a lot in any relationship.

 
Old 08-27-2006, 12:02 PM   #9
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Re: Have I fallen out of love?

listen to redsoxgirl. No way I could have expressed this as well as she did.
I think you LOVE THE WAY SHE MAKES YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF AND HOW SHE HAS MADE YOU A MORE OUTGOING PERSON. This isn't really love, in my opinion. This is like the love you'd have for the best friend a person could ever have. Please do not break this girl's heart; what she needs is a guy who doesn't mind or LIKES big women. They ARE out there, you know.
Even if she did have stomach stapling (insurance pays if it's affecting your health) I think you'd always feel like, "here comes that lady who makes me love myself !" and that is not what either of you need.
I feel so sorry for her, I think she could be rejected time and again Just because of her weight. Skinny is "in" in this culture and if you're that overweight it makes life more difficult (or it often does, at least romantically).
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Old 08-29-2006, 12:50 AM   #10
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Re: Have I fallen out of love?

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I'm honestly very confused right now, I can honestly say I'm not even sure if I love her or not. Sometimes I believe I do, other times, I can't even believe I'm with her. I can honestly say... I'm not sure if I am happy with her or not.

In the back of my mind... I still am dreaming of a totally different type of girl.

For some reason, my "girlfriend" reminds me of my mom... I feel safe around her, she is always there for me, is there to support me and things. Hard to describe.

She is always saying "sometimes i feel as if i love you more than you love me, because you don't do this and that"

Honestly, I cannot picture my life without her... I'm able to talk to her about anything and everything and nothing bothers her... I've never been that close to anyone in my life.

The problem is... we've been together almost 6 months now, and she is really wanting to get married and things... she does have very strong feelings for me and when we came close to breaking up before, she wouldn't eat, she cried all the time, etc. I don't want to put her through all the pain because I do care about her a lot.

I'm just scared if we do break up.. it could be the biggest mistake of my life and i may never find anyone like her again. I've had very bad luck with dating.

I've been approved for a home loan, I have a stable job and have a decent car and I'm planning on buying a house within a year or two, and I would really like to settle down with someone soon. I'm ready to start my life.

My "dream" girl would be a little on the quite side, not a big social person, and would be attractive to me. I don't care about her career, college, etc. I've been looking for that for years, and sure, I flirt with some girls like this and even go on a few dates... but it never goes anywhere.

I don't know what I'm going to do... I'm not sure if this is what I want or not... and sometimes I'm sure it's not... but at the same time, I think there is a huge difference between what someone want's and need's.

The problem is... even though I am with Elizabeth... I still feel lonely sometimes, I still "dream" about things, and when I'm with my friends and things.. I often think to myself "I wish I had a girl like that" but since I have such a low self condifence, I often think I can't do any better than what I have.

Even my mom has told me I could do "better" and a lot of my family admitted they do not like Elizabeth and think I can do "much better" and EVEN ELIZABETH told me she said I could get almost any girl I want if I had more confidence, and she's often worrying about me leaving her for another girl who is ready to settle down like I am because she still has several years in college and has banks running after her for bills.

I know the type of person I want to be with... I know exactly what I'd like to have... but I just don't know if I can find that.
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Old 08-29-2006, 03:38 AM   #11
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Re: Have I fallen out of love?

Quote:
Originally Posted by M1K3L
Thanks for the replies everyone.

I'm honestly very confused right now, I can honestly say I'm not even sure if I love her or not. Sometimes I believe I do, other times, I can't even believe I'm with her. I can honestly say... I'm not sure if I am happy with her or not.

In the back of my mind... I still am dreaming of a totally different type of girl.

I'm just scared if we do break up.. it could be the biggest mistake of my life and i may never find anyone like her again. I've had very bad luck with dating.

My "dream" girl would be a little on the quite side, not a big social person, and would be attractive to me.

The problem is... even though I am with Elizabeth... I still feel lonely sometimes, I still "dream" about things, and when I'm with my friends and things.. I often think to myself "I wish I had a girl like that"...

I know the type of person I want to be with... I know exactly what I'd like to have... but I just don't know if I can find that.
Mike, re-read the above paragraphs you wrote. This is NOT love! Don't "settle" for someone just to "settle down". The feelings you have for her are friendship, or like a sister. You're afraid of losing a good friend. You're not in love with her. You need to be honest, but let her down gently....not telling her she's fat....just saying you see this as more of a friendship....

Since you seem to be repulsed by her body, why are you even having sex with her? That sends mixed messages.

Personally, I think the attitude that "she's not good enough" and "you can do much better" is rather snobbish. She can't help that she came from a meager family. Kudos to her for going to college to better herself.

Trust me, she WILL get over you. She deserves to find someone who will love her for her and not be "dreaming" of someone else.

 
Old 08-29-2006, 04:13 AM   #12
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Re: Have I fallen out of love?

OK. Elizabeth is your security blanket, she provides you the comfort and santuary you need. These dream girls are the ones that suits your desire and better off money wise and is what you want.

As you yourself have pointed out, there are BIG differences between these two, wants and needs. In this case, it's not likely that there will be compromises. It is neither practical nor fair to ask Elizabeth to change from "need" to "want". Now YOU will have to decide.

1)You can let go of the "need" in hand to pursuit "want" which may or may not come. If you choose this route, you must break it to Elizabeth so as to set her free and not give her false hope or expectations. You must not string her along as a back up if your quest were to fail. Such is the risk in live in pursuit of better things.
OR
2)You can settle for the "need" and work towards being content with it. It is not fancy but practical. Then you must find it in yourself to be happy with what you have and learn to love and cherish no matter what. You know, the rich or poor, sickness or health......yada yada yada.

Take your time to look hard and deep into the mirror before you sincerely answer yourself. Do you have what it takes to improve yourself upon request to get what you "want"? Are you a hunter? OR Are you a gatherer/harvester? i.e. more likely to just sit back and let nature provide what you "need"?

 
Old 08-29-2006, 10:52 PM   #13
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Re: Have I fallen out of love?

Quote:
Originally Posted by M1K3L
In the back of my mind... I still am dreaming of a totally different type of girl.

I know the type of person I want to be with... I know exactly what I'd like to have... but I just don't know if I can find that.

Mike, you are not in love with Elizabeth. If you were inclined to love her, you would have already fallen for her during the time you've known her. Instead, your posts make it clear that you are settling for a girl who isn't everything you want in a partner because you do not believe you can do better. This is a big misinterpretation that is doing both you and Elizabeth a big disservice. You are way too young to settle for a woman who is not what you want either personality-wise or looks-wise, and she deserves a man who cherishes and adores her for everything she is, rather than regretting the things she isn't.

I know it's easier to have a gf than not, but believe me, in the long run, staying with a "backup" choice is way more trouble than its worth. It could even prevent you from being physically and emotionally unattached to explore a relationship with a new girl you meet who catches your interest, which I have no doubt will happen many times as you progress into adulthood. Staying with someone you are lukewarm about is one thing for a senior citizen, but it is truly tragic and demoralizing for a young person. If you care about her, she deserves to know that you are still dreaming of being with a woman other than her. A man that truly loved her would turn down that idea immediately because he only cared for one woman. I doubt she wants or deserves any less devotion, and neither do you...

Last edited by Veronica_Mars; 08-29-2006 at 10:55 PM.

 
Old 09-02-2006, 11:58 PM   #14
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Re: Have I fallen out of love?

Mike, Mike, Mike... I go away for a little while and you're still getting yourself into trouble...

To answer your question, I'd highly doubt you were ever really in love. You are trying to convince yourself you are, cause you are afraid if you let this one go, as you may not find someone else. Let me tell you, that's no way to live. And it's certainly not fair to her. She does sound like a lovely person, and she deserves to find someone who accepts her for who she is... not picks her apart and stays with her cause he is afraid.

You are settling with someone with 'imperfections' or flaws (in your eyes) as to you, it's a safeguard that she might stay with you. Let it go Mike... go work on your own self esteem. Stay friends with her, as she sounds like a good friend to have. But let go and give yourself a chance to meet someone who is 'the one' for you. If you settle now, you will end up a miserable sod later on in life... believe me. And if you have doubts this early on, imagine in 10 years time and magnify the doubts by about 1000. That's what you'd be in for.

Mike, if you have to ask these questions, then she's not the one for you.
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Old 09-03-2006, 02:41 PM   #15
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Arrow Re: Have I fallen out of love?

If you have to ask yourself if you are in love, your not. Seems your scared to be alone and you want to have a back up before you break up, not good. It's ok to be alone. Do some soul searching.

Last edited by Kia3238; 09-03-2006 at 02:41 PM.

 
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