It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 08-24-2006, 09:03 AM   #1
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 61
sammypoo01 HB User
My friends' ex-boyfriend...

I've noticed this recurring pattern in my life and yesterday, I finally put an end to this 7 YEAR SPELL!!!

It seems to me that everytime one of my best-friends breaks up with their boyfriend, he for some reason comes flocking to me. This has happened 3 times in the past, with 3 different friends mind you.

The story goes- after my friend and her boyfriend break it off, the guy usually starts to call me and I somehow end up hanging out with him and usually without my friend present... it's not in a romantic way, at least not for me...

I'm not sure why I would ever even go along with it either... because these girls were some of my best-friends... does this make me a bad person????

So last night I got a call from my previous roommates exboyfriend (which she dated for about a year and a half... they just recently broke it off.) As I was screening the telephone call, it occured to me that if I answered his call, I would fall into this trap again.

This may seem like a bunch of mumbojumbo... but I just found it so strange that for the first time in 7 years, i've taken notice of this tedious pattern and finally put an end to it...

Last edited by sammypoo01; 08-24-2006 at 09:07 AM.

 
Old 08-24-2006, 12:33 PM   #2
Inactive
(male)
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 544
CFD 333 HB User
Re: My friends' ex-boyfriend...

Well, it is normally an unspoken rule that you never mess with your good friend's ex's...even if they supposidly give you permission to do so. The outcome is seldom a good thing.

Of course, I'm not saying that you ever did do that and your post doesn't ellude to that fact, but if your friends catch wind of you hanging out with them, what are they supposed to think, you know?

I'm glad that you finally caught on to this. You see, many guys love to fantasize about what it could be like if they dated or messed with one of the girlfriend's friends. Normally, it is a completely harmless thing and only a fantasy, but when the breakup happens, suddenly it seems to many men that all bets are off and they are free to pursue it. In other words, you were the 'forbidden fruit'. It is up to you though, as a good friend, to make sure these guys still know that you are forbidden fruit. Simply not returning the calls is usually enough, but some guys may need a good "I would never do that sort of thing..." speech.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 08-24-2006, 01:25 PM   #3
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 1,420
GypsyArcher HB User
Re: My friends' ex-boyfriend...

I think it makes a lot of sense. I have long had a habit of falling for my boyfriend's friends. You get to know them in a kind of peripheral way, and sometimes just find yourself intrigued. I'm with lamotta on the "forbidden fruit" thing. If you don't want to go down that path, then fine, if you think it will bother your friends.

The thing about the friends of your bf/gf is that there is no pressure there. It's a member of the opposite sex that you can become friends with and get close to without any (initial) sexual tension. So you get to know them in a way you normally never would, and feelings and/or attraction can easily bloom. Or explode like firecrackers. Like I said, happens to me all the time, dating back to my very first boyfriend. And I did use to feel a little guilty. Then I finally stumbled upon the perfect guy, one who encourages my "one for each hand" policy and doesn't try to keep his cute friends to himself.

Quote:
This may seem like a bunch of mumbojumbo... but I just found it so strange that for the first time in 7 years, i've taken notice of this tedious pattern and finally put an end to it...
Tedious? What is so bad about having all of these guys want to spend time with you? I understand that it might make you feel a little guilty because they used to be with your friends, but people can't help who they're attracted to. Don't feel bad because these guys like you or else just want to have the pleasure of your company. That should put a little bounce in your step.
__________________
The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~

 
Old 08-24-2006, 01:32 PM   #4
Inactive
(male)
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 339
MysteriousGuy HB User
Re: My friends' ex-boyfriend...

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyArcher
Then I finally stumbled upon the perfect guy, one who encourages my "one for each hand" policy and doesn't try to keep his cute friends to himself.
I take it you're in a open relationship?

 
Old 08-24-2006, 01:43 PM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 1,420
GypsyArcher HB User
Re: My friends' ex-boyfriend...

Open relationship? Not currently. I am a fan of those however. My situation is that somehow the planets were perfectly aligned or something the day I met my boyfriend, as I discovered not long into the relationship that both of us are attracted to his best friend. You don't come across too many fun coincidences like that in life nearly often enough.
__________________
The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~

 
Old 08-24-2006, 07:48 PM   #6
Inactive
(male)
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 339
MysteriousGuy HB User
Re: My friends' ex-boyfriend...

So your bf is bi?

 
Old 08-24-2006, 08:00 PM   #7
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 1,420
GypsyArcher HB User
Re: My friends' ex-boyfriend...

Well, I don't know if he is full-on bi, or just bi-curious. I guess you could say he is open-minded.

BUT, this isn't my thread, or even relevant to the OP's problem, so...If you have any more questions I guess you should begin a new topic?
__________________
The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~

 
Old 08-24-2006, 08:55 PM   #8
Inactive
(male)
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 339
MysteriousGuy HB User
Re: My friends' ex-boyfriend...

That's alright, it's all good. Judging from your past, I'm sure you're glad you're with someoe like that. And I'm not saying that in a bad way

 
Old 08-25-2006, 01:59 AM   #9
Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Columbus, OH
Posts: 69
caladbolg HB User
Re: My friends' ex-boyfriend...

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyArcher
Tedious? What is so bad about having all of these guys want to spend time with you? I understand that it might make you feel a little guilty because they used to be with your friends, but people can't help who they're attracted to. Don't feel bad because these guys like you or else just want to have the pleasure of your company. That should put a little bounce in your step.
You're right, people can't help who they're attracted to, but that doesn't mean they have to take measures to see sparks fly. Self control would apply here, perhaps? Just because you're attracted to them doesn't mean they'd make very good boyfriends - just ask your friends, who are unaware of that fact that you're still hanging out with their hateful formers. Although it's good to hear that things worked out for you, you do realize you're one of those rare cases that's actually found success through this? I'm not trying to be a jerk, but just curious: how many bridges have you burnt in the past to finally find this guy? It would be quite astonishing if you said zero. But then again, is the number relevant when it comes to finding love? In your case I'm guessing no. Maybe I'm naive, but I don't believe that just because it worked out for you, Gypsy, that this should be suggested a good means of sparking off new relationships.

Now to answer your question: what's so bad about having all these young bucks wanting to spend time with you is their ex-girlfriends with whom you are still friends. Betrayal. Yes, that's about the only word that comes into mind, even if it's harmless. I find it doubtful that these guys are only looking to "hang out." You know what they want from you - why go along with it?

If they weren't good enough for your friends, what makes you think they'd be good enough for you? Why bother when you know it's not cool? With that, maybe you should question yourself about how good of friends these girls are to you. Are they worth going behind their backs to do something you know they probably won't approve of? If you cherish a drop of their friendship, tell their stupid lingering ex-boyfriends who wants to "hang" to **** off. Think about it, really. Even if you'd be okay with the idea that your friends were keeping in touch with your ex, does it make it okay for you in return? It seems very unethical to me, and an easy way to burn a lot of bridges. In the end, is it all worth it? That's what you need to ask yourself: is one potential love worth ten friendships?

Feel free to disagree with me. It's early, and I could've had my head up my *** this entire time, which I have an apparent propensity to enjoy doing a lot lately

Last edited by caladbolg; 08-25-2006 at 02:11 AM.

 
Old 08-25-2006, 12:11 PM   #10
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 1,420
GypsyArcher HB User
Re: My friends' ex-boyfriend...

Quote:
I'm not trying to be a jerk, but just curious: how many bridges have you burnt in the past to finally find this guy? It would be quite astonishing if you said zero. But then again, is the number relevant when it comes to finding love? In your case I'm guessing no. Maybe I'm naive, but I don't believe that just because it worked out for you, Gypsy, that this should be suggested a good means of sparking off new relationships.
Hey bud. Actually even though it has usually been the case that I've found myself attracted to my ex-boyfriend's friends, I never actually went out or got involved with any of them. Except for once, a long time ago. Actually, he was not even my ex-boyfriend, all we did is have a one night stand. So I'm not saying I ever found love and a happy relationship with any of my ex's friends. No, no, no.

Also, I wasn't necessarily advocating that the OP date these guys. She just seemed kind of put off that they showed interest in her, and I just meant it should be flattering that so many guys were showing interest. Not that she should get out there and start knocking boots with em
__________________
The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~

 
Old 08-25-2006, 09:46 PM   #11
Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Columbus, OH
Posts: 69
caladbolg HB User
Re: My friends' ex-boyfriend...

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyArcher
Hey bud. Actually even though it has usually been the case that I've found myself attracted to my ex-boyfriend's friends, I never actually went out or got involved with any of them. Except for once, a long time ago. Actually, he was not even my ex-boyfriend, all we did is have a one night stand. So I'm not saying I ever found love and a happy relationship with any of my ex's friends. No, no, no.

Also, I wasn't necessarily advocating that the OP date these guys. She just seemed kind of put off that they showed interest in her, and I just meant it should be flattering that so many guys were showing interest. Not that she should get out there and start knocking boots with em
Okay I see. Yeah a one-night stand hardly counts. I wouldn't have thought twice about that. I mistook what you meant. I thought you were condoning going after ex's friends as a viable and effective way to start relationships

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
The Final Goodbye to Ex's Mom and Friends Erin942 Relationship Health 1 11-19-2007 07:24 AM
Friends with my ex... gf doesn't like yellowtree Relationship Health 11 09-17-2007 11:36 PM
Is it healthy to remain friends with an ex? jondoe5 Relationship Health 9 07-30-2007 07:43 PM
Do you think it's weird to be best friends with your ex and call them each day? stevie_23 Relationship Health 3 03-12-2007 07:45 PM
About Boyfriends Having Girls Best Friends Graciella Relationship Health 6 01-16-2007 09:35 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (260), rosequartz (246), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (155), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (87), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1139), MSJayhawk (942), Apollo123 (859), janewhite1 (823), Titchou (773), Gabriel (743), ladybud (667), sammy64 (666), midwest1 (655), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:59 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.com™
Copyright and Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!