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Old 08-24-2006, 01:53 PM   #1
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whiteslopes HB User
Unhappy Frustrated

Hi all. If there's any new approach that would help.

My boyfriend has one best friend and one acquaintence that for the last year has done a variety of things to express that they want my boyfriend and I to break up and that they didn't like me.

For one, his best friend wrote me a note after I called my boyfriend when they were out. (I was calling to determine where he was after he agreed to meet me an hour ago.)

The note basically said that "if you call him while we're out, I may not invite him to the football game." and "you may not want to call him, because "you know how guys talk" and so on and so on. After writing him a patient but clear letter back that it wasn't his place to tell me how my boyfriend and I would run our relationship, he wrote back another sarcastic letter.

This is basically the tip the the iceberg. This friend has been telling my boyfriend behind my back since day one that he doesn't like me, or that he thinks I'm manipulative, or whatever else with no apparent reason other than "she just seems like she doesn't like us." I've made attempts to write him and apologize if I did anything to offend him and I've invited him out for beers to make up for it.

My boyfriend only acts like he cares when I get upset and hurt after experiencing these things. He keeps repeating that he eventually wants us to be friends or something.

I will not be friends with this guy. He only does things intentionally to make me unhappy and I can't expose myself to him. I also don't want his negativity in my life. I would be fine with just them hanging out, but he seems to just say bad things about me, drunk dial me, or encourage my boyfriend to say mean things about me when they hang out.

By the way, I get along fine with his other friends.

help.

 
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Old 08-24-2006, 02:14 PM   #2
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Nina000 HB User
Re: Frustrated

The obvious reply that you might hear is that your bf is useless, unfortunately. Nobody, no matter how close could EVER encourage him to say bad things to you. My bf once had an argument with his ONLY brother who said something bad about us as a couple, without even knowing me. He did not speak to him for two years. Last New Year, we all met and he was the friendliest person on earth. What I am also trying to say is that people can misjudge when they don't know you properly. BUT it is mainly your bf's mistake.

 
Old 08-24-2006, 03:47 PM   #3
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whiteslopes HB User
Re: Frustrated

thanks Nina.
Maybe there are no answers.

 
Old 08-24-2006, 05:33 PM   #4
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Bracelet HB User
Re: Frustrated

Your boyfriend needs to do more to discourage these friends of his to keep treating you so crappy. That's not fair to you! If any of my boyfriend's friends did this stuff to me, he would call them out and tell them to knock it off. I don't think it's cool at all that your boyfriend refuses to stick up for you with them.

That's the only way it's going to stop, is if he does something about it. But he seems to not care what they say or do to you. That sucks. You may want to think about finding a boyfriend who will stick up for you, because this guy sounds like a spineless jellyfish when it comes to his friends.

 
Old 08-24-2006, 09:15 PM   #5
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caladbolg HB User
Re: Frustrated

Dude wrote you a letter of discontent? What is this, 5th grade? Well, one good thing about the notes are that it's hard evidence that his friend did say those things to you. If your boyfriend isn't doing anything about this kid, then like the others suggest, it's time to move on to a guy that would.

 
Old 08-25-2006, 03:09 AM   #6
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minijumbofly HB User
Re: Frustrated

You should make it clear to your BF that you do NOT want to be "friends" with his best bud whom is being intrusive and immature. These are boyz, NOT men, and weak ones at that. Don't bother to invite him for beer and make peace, he neither needs nor deserves it.

Give your so called BF fair warning that if his buddy does not stop this behavior, retaliation is in order. The next intruding phone call or message you get from him, just tear him a new axxhole. If your BF is present with him or with you when you do that, even better.

If he does not intervene on your behalf, there you have your answer about what he is. I'm telling you, if he let his friends treat you like this, you'll NEVER...EVER be more than "expendable" to him.

Is that what your want for a BF?

 
Old 08-25-2006, 06:05 AM   #7
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Bracelet HB User
Re: Frustrated

Quote:
Originally Posted by minijumbofly
If he does not intervene on your behalf, there you have your answer about what he is. I'm telling you, if he let his friends treat you like this, you'll NEVER...EVER be more than "expendable" to him.
That's what I'm saying! I really think you need to evaluate how much your "boyfriend" really cares about you if he's not willing to stick up for you. Even with his friends. A guy who won't do that doesn't really care much about you. That's a fact.

 
Old 08-25-2006, 08:43 AM   #8
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whiteslopes HB User
Re: Frustrated

Thank you all for your replies. Getting validation that the stuff going on is not tolerable has helped me alot. (alot of times it's easy to get pulled into the situation and compromise your self-worth.)

As for my boyfriend, I was shocked beyond belief that this stuff was happening. Shocked that he was more worried about me being friends with this friend, as opposed to questioning their friendship after what has been happening.

He's agreed not to see this friend for a while to send a clear message, but seriously... I think it's up to this friend to lie in the bed he's made. I'll never be able to deal with his friend without feeling resentment for how he treated me. (especially if he thinks that what he's been doing is acceptable.)

At this point I'm seeing what happens. This can't go on for long...

 
Old 08-25-2006, 10:05 AM   #9
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browneyed-babe HB User
Re: Frustrated

I had a similar situation with my husband's friend. It happened a few years before we married. This friend was always trying to tell him that I was controlling, etc. - a bunch of bull. One day there was a big blow up between me and the friend and it ended with the friend trying to slam a car door on my leg. Needless to say they were no longer friends after that and to this day that guy is still a loser with nothing in his life.

I am really suprised with the notes - this is odd behavior from a guy. I have never heard of this before. What did your boyfriend say about the notes? Did you show them to him? You don't need to invite the friend for drinks or try to make peace with him as he is a jealous jerk that is trying to get all the attention. Does this friend have a girlfriend - if he doesn't then maybe he should get one and stop trying for all your boyfriends attention. He is very immature.

It may everntually come down to you telling your boyfriend -hey its me or him and make him choose. Then you will see where his loyalties ride.

 
Old 08-25-2006, 10:32 AM   #10
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whiteslopes HB User
Re: Frustrated

Hi Browneyed,

Thanks for your feedback.

Yes.. it's really odd behavior from a guy. confusing on alot of levels... some friends/ family members have suggested that he may like my boyfriend on a romantic level, though my boyfriend maintains this is not a possibility.

His friend is 40 with two kids and a wife (the step mom to the kids.) From what I understand, even before he was married to his current wife, he allowed his friends to talk down to her and demean her behind her back.. when asked why, his response was: my frineds are non-negotiable.
So she pretty much puts up with alot of mean behavior or is comfortable with it.

Yes, I agree that I will eventually say "me or him" but I think I'll do this when I'm ready to follow through with both possibilities. Trust me, I won't allow anything more. I just don't see what I've done to deserve this stuff.

I will not agree to seeing this person any more. I'm taking the "ride the wave" approach- where I react appropriately to bad behavior.. if his friend does this, I will take action. If my boyfriend takes his side, I will act upon my own interests.. I may be forced to make a hard decision, which hopefully won't be the case. I had big plans for this relationship...

 
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