What do you do when you know a person who, on the surface, is just a casual friend, but the truth is that you are finding it harder and harder to live without them? And you don't want to be presumptious and assume that they really care that much about you, but really you don't know.
Do you tell them how much they mean to you? Or is that too much of a burden to place upon some unsuspecting creature?
I am not talking about being in love. Frankly, I have no idea WHAT I'm talking about. Did you ever know a person who it physically hurt to be away from? And every time they walk into a room your whole being just lights up and you're glowing with joy? You can't keep the smile off your face? And your soul feels happy? It's like without realizing it you're holding your breath the entire time you're apart, and when you see them again it is as though you can finally exhale.
I've known this person for awhile. Years. At the beginning of this year I purposefully stopped seeing him at all because it just felt so heavy. I didn't know which was worse, being in a room with him or not being in a room with him. Several months went by. I couldn't stop missing him. So two months ago I got back into contact. I saw him again and it was like...the first time I was happy, truly lit-up-from-the-inside happy, since...well, since the last time I saw him. And it has been that way every time I see him. But I don't see him very often. Once a week on the average. And it just isn't nearly enough.
I'm not saying I want to have a relationship with him. I already have the boyfriend slot penciled in. Even if I was single, I would not date him. I know him too well. He just makes me so happy and content, more than any other person in recent memory.
It is getting harder for me to stand these long intervals of not seeing each other. I know that he keeps a tentative distance because I have a boyfriend, and truthfully we've never been what you would call close. But he's so special to me. He means the freakin' world to me, and I feel like if I don't SAY something to him I'm going to explode. I'm literally holding back tears, I miss him so much.
Yet I don't want to go and put some heavy burden on him. I mean, would it freak you out if someone who was a casual friend came up to you (most likely unable to hold back freakin' tears) and told you that they cared about you so much, and they missed you, and they didn't want to lose you from their life?
I suspect (although I hate to play mind-reader) that he maybe likes me, in a romantic sense. He kids around a lot about stealing me away from my boyfriend, and once, in a very amusing exchange, asked me if I "liked" him. I thought that went without saying, but maybe he meant something deeper? See, I'm afraid of unloading all of my emotional garbage on him and him thinking I'm trying to say I want to be with him. I don't want to lead him on.
Sometimes I feel like I don't really belong in his life. Is it selfish to go up to someone and say, "Look pal, I care about you sooo much and I need to have you more in my life." I mean, to basically demand someone start sharing more of their time with you just because YOU miss them? Is that tacky?
But then again, I'm tired of going out of my way to act casual whenever he's around. I can never act around him the way I really feel. I want to be closer to him. I want to be able to call him up on the phone, I want to go up and talk to him without feeling stalkerish or like a hanger-on. I really care about his life, and what he is doing.
I have an opprotunity to go and see him this weekend. I don't know where he lives (he recently moved) but I know where he is going to BE on a particular day. I've been excited about going to see him for weeks, but now I feel kind of weird. If I say something...what do I say? Basically...I want to let him know that if he doesn't want me to be a part of his life, then that is cool. I'll accept whatever he says. I mean, I DOUBT he would say that. I'm not asking anything from him, and, I never would. All I want is his presence, just MORE of him, and deeper. I always have, but I would feel guilty in the past, as though it wasn't right to get closer to a guy, when I had a boyfriend. But it's to the point now where it seems ridiculous to hold my feelings back, and to keep from someone how special you think they are. Doesn't everyone need to hear something like that?
??
__________________
The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~
Last edited by GypsyArcher; 08-24-2006 at 11:03 PM.
Reason: Grammar is always a plus
Hi Gypsy, I know that feeling! When someone lights up your day, makes you happy, hurts you to see them leave. They're the people you love. Nothing wrong with expressing your care and love to a friend, but yours seems far beyond that. Your post posed a very confusing situation, indeed, and it sounds to me like your feelings are teetering... and he's the pivot.
1) If you don't want to lead him on, then I don't think it would be a good idea for you tell him all this. If a relationship is not what you want with this cat, then you can't get all emotional with him.
2) On the other hand, if you just wanted to tell him how much he means to you as a friend, it's fine. But is that what you really want? After all, you already feel like you can't live without seeing him. It just sounds much more than casual friendship to me is all.
3) I wonder, do you feel the same way towards your current boyfriend? Who means more to you right now? This post itself is almost enough to deduce that you seem to care much more about this other guy. How do you think your boyfriend would react if he knew about your feelings towards this guy? Would he be cool with it? Does he know? What weighs more: your boyfriend's feelings, or yours towards this dude?
What confounds me is that even if you were single, why wouldn't you date this guy? Knowing someone too well doesn't seem to me like a good enough reason if all he's done in your recent memory is make you happier than any other person has. I'm guessing this includes your boyfriend. Don't you think you're with the wrong man?
If you don't think that anything romantic can ever materialize with this guy, then you've got to suppress these feelings in some way, wouldn't you agree? Otherwise, go for it. There's no need to realize you're with the wrong dude any later than you have to.
Originally Posted by GypsyArcher
I am not talking about being in love. Frankly, I have no idea WHAT I'm talking about. Did you ever know a person who it physically hurt to be away from? And every time they walk into a room your whole being just lights up and you're glowing with joy? You can't keep the smile off your face? And your [I
soul[/I] feels happy? It's like without realizing it you're holding your breath the entire time you're apart, and when you see them again it is as though you can finally exhale.
LMAO. Hahaha...I'll B a one eye one horned flying purple people eater if this ain't a true confession of love.
You are suppressing your feelings and further development with this guy (let's just call him BOB) based on just one thing really. i.e. Your have a current BF per say and you feel guilty just for having feelings towards BOB. You think you are cheating if you go beyond friendship with BOB.
Well. Since you are not married, and my definition of cheating would be to physically sleep or live with your BF and BOB simultaneously, you are OK for now.
But sincerely, you need to evaluate and ask YOURSELF if you foresee a better future with your current BF or BOB? The only way to know for sure is to tell BOB about your feelings and get his reactions in return. I smell discontentment with BF and he is just BF because there is no competition ...at least until now.
It is NOT wrong if you later decide BOB is better for you than BF. Love is blind and in "love & war", ALL is fair. You have a right to seek happiness and not settle for second best. But take action now to find out more before you make the final decision, BOB won't be like this or around forever.
To have tried but failed is far better than not trying but regret it later. Darn it, if only I were there for myself with this advice 10 years ago......
P.S. One good test is to see if you need to use your "selective hearing" powers when you're with BOB. Just a suggestion. Good luck.
One good test is to see if you need to use your "selective hearing" powers when you're with BOB. Just a suggestion. Good luck.
Good point, Minijumbofly! I was thinking the same thing. Gypsy, maybe you're really in love with that guy more so than your current boyfriend? Is that a possibility? The way you talk about this guy does sound like love. I don't think I ever felt this way about a man unless I was in love with him.
What confounds me is that even if you were single, why wouldn't you date this guy? Knowing someone too well doesn't seem to me like a good enough reason if all he's done in your recent memory is make you happier than any other person has.
Well, see, he really isn't boyfriend material. He had a really messed up childhood, his parents both had a lot of problems and screwed him royally. While I'm in a position to see all of his great hidden qualities, I also can't ignore all of the obvious bad ones. He drinks too much, does too many drugs, anything to escape his pain. He's irresponsible and horrible with money. Now, he'd be a wet dream for the kind of woman who's a "fixer" or "savior", but I'm not. I need a man who doesn't require any kind of work, and who can take care of me.
I do love my boyfriend, he is my best friend and partner, and he takes care of me. We have something very solid, and I wouldn't want to trade that in for anything. I'm really rather annoyed at how strongly I feel for BOB I never would have imagined it could happen, but I guess you can't always control how you feel about people.
Quote:
P.S. One good test is to see if you need to use your "selective hearing" powers when you're with BOB.
Hmmm...no I hang on every word that comes out of his mouth. But that's just the thing. I know I feel very strongly about him, but I KNOW that if I were actually with him, I'm sure that eventually he'd annoy me, too. There's no way I could actually be happy with him. So in a way I'm glad that I'm in the position I'm in, where I get to spend time with him and enjoy his company but that's it.
Kind of like, a nice place to visit but you wouldn't want to live there.
Quote:
If you don't think that anything romantic can ever materialize with this guy, then you've got to suppress these feelings in some way, wouldn't you agree?
Yeah, that's true. Don't really want to dump all of my crap on him, I guess. I ran into him last night which was a nice surprise. But I figured, well, I'm just going to have to take what I can get. It's funny the way people can sneak up on you and matter to you.
Thanksgiving, it sounds like you had a pretty bad experience Yeah, it is no fun when you really start to care about someone and find out they were just using you. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. Hopefully you have better experiences in the future.
__________________
The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~
To have tried but failed is far better than not trying but regret it later. Darn it, if only I were there for myself with this advice 10 years ago......
No kidding...I hear ya on that one!
Hey Sophia
Gypsy
Wow...you are in a conundrum aren't you! Sure sounds like love to me too.
I can totally understand where you are coming from now, this guy lights up your life yet you know it would be no good to actually have a bf/gf relationship with him. I can somewhat relate, I have a friend who is a girl that I just can't wait to be around...yet she is married and so I know friendship is all we can ever have. I'm okay with that and it is enough to just be friends. It all comes down to what the expectations you have from the relationship. IMHO you might not want to tell him everything about how you feel, as a guy if a girl told me that I would think she definitely wanted more from me. Just express how good you feel with him as your friend, stressing only friend. It is very uplifting to hear that from someone, just so long as you are clear about the boundaries.
Thank you, friendof, for sharing your experience. That was good advice. I like this:
Quote:
I have a friend who is a girl that I just can't wait to be around...yet she is married and so I know friendship is all we can ever have. I'm okay with that and it is enough to just be friends.
That is how I want to feel, totally content and happy to just be friends. I think I could be, if I could only see him more often. But he's very busy, and I'm pretty busy myself, doing time-consuming things like posting on this board.
I really want to get to a place where it doesn't bother me when he talks about other girls, and I don't want to find myself totally destroyed in the event that he gets a girlfriend. I can't be a hypocrite there.
__________________
The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~
I think it just takes time. If you know for sure you don't want to or can't be with him then you have to keep that in mind. Be happy for him if he gets a girlfriend...as a friend should be...you don't want to hold him back from his own happiness just so you can have him as a friend...that's not fair to him...therefore you must control yourself that way. Or let him go.
Having said that if my friend was single...might be a different story.
Could it be just infatuation with a friend?
There have been people at work that I loved when I had the opportunity to work with them. I still enjoy talking with this one guy, when we talk we "click". If either of us were single, there'd be nothing there, still just friend ship. But we always have a good time together.
You aren't wrong for enjoying the company of someone other than your boyfriend. It sounds to me like it's a harmless situation. As long as it stays at a friendship level, I see nothing wrong with looking forward to seeing and talking with a friend.
I have friends whoare women who I look forward to talking to just as much. If BOB were ROBERTA would you be so worried about having this connection?
As far as telling him that he makes your day and you have such a great time with him...I'd say no. The situation as it is right now is great for you, you have a friend who makes you feel good. Why change the way things are? If you tell him this it may make situations awkward.
Try feeling this toward someone who just uses you for sex and neither one of you are in a relationship. That really hurts!!!!!!!
It still HURTS!!!!!!!!
Yeah, tell me about it!
I don't know, but I kind of disagree. I think you can feel that strongly for someone as just a friend.
You said there's a million reasons why you can't be with this guy romantically, you just want him to be in your life. Friends can be that important, and I think having that close of a friendship, being same sex or opposite sex, would be a great friendship to have.
you just want him to be in your life............He's already in my life.
I think having that close of a friendship, being same sex or opposite sex, would be a great friendship to have...........Even if he is seeing other women for sex I could not handle that.
I wouldn't be able to hold back my feelings for him if I became good friends with him.
So I guess you actually really knew all along that BOB would not be a contender for life and you remained sensible and logical in the surge of a lust attack. (That's what I would call it)
Gosh, this is like being able to eat like a glutton without getting fat or getting high without the addiction. And "selective hearing powers"? I hate you .....just kidding.
Knowing more about BOB now, I have to agree with your line of thought. I still think you could express yourself to BOB that you care a lot about his friendship and value your time together. BUT very clearly that only as a friend, nothing more, no 'benefits'!
Besides, BOB could use a friend like you. People with bad childhood, alcohol and drug issues actually needs outside interference to have a chance. If you are a true friend, you would like to see him come clean, wouldn't you?
Gypsy
Wow...you are in a conundrum aren't you! Sure sounds like love to me too.
I can totally understand where you are coming from now, this guy lights up your life yet you know it would be no good to actually have a bf/gf relationship with him. I can somewhat relate, I have a friend who is a girl that I just can't wait to be around...yet she is married and so I know friendship is all we can ever have. I'm okay with that and it is enough to just be friends. It all comes down to what the expectations you have from the relationship. IMHO you might not want to tell him everything about how you feel, as a guy if a girl told me that I would think she definitely wanted more from me. Just express how good you feel with him as your friend, stressing only friend. It is very uplifting to hear that from someone, just so long as you are clear about the boundaries.
Hey Friendof Good to see you around the boards again.
Yah, I agree that in that case, it wouldn't make sense to tell him about how elated you are to see him, Gypsy LOL. I mean, why ruin a good thing? You don't want anything more than you have with him right now, and things are perfect the way they are. I'd say just keep it the way it is and don't make any confessions. I'm sure he knows from the way you treat him that you appreciate him as a friend. You don't want him to get the wrong idea and make things awkward, so I think it's better not to change anything at all.
So, I was going to take the advice and not say anything to him, just let things be. That, however, didn't last too long.
I saw him a few days ago, we were out together at a club. Well, we didn't go together, but I went because I knew he would be there. I wasn't going to try and hang out with him all night...I wanted to, but I wasn't going to hang on him, you know? I was talking to some other people when he came over, we started dancing, and basically were glued to each others hip, literally, all night.
He said he wanted to pretend that I was his girlfriend, just for the night. I thought that was funny and said okay. I have to admit that I felt like the cat who ate the canary, because he had girls coming up to him to say hello all night, and girls buying drinks for him, but he insisted I not leave his side, and that I was "protecting" him from everyone else.
Well, we flirted hardcore, and pretty much all of the stuff I said in my post came out at some point. It was obvious how I felt. And obvious how he felt too. However, even after my night as his "girlfriend" I still contend that it is something I could never be. But the way I feel still won't go away, and continues to just build! I'm so freaking confused and upset!
That was probably the most fun I've had in years. But I keep telling myself, it's JUST the newness factor. I had the same kind of pride and self-satisfaction when I first got together with my boyfriend, and loved having everyone see me with him. I've long since gotten over who my boyfriend is, and I'm thinking maybe I just want that old excitement back. I'll always be a groupie at heart. But it is more than that. I love being with BoB even when no one is around to see us, well I love it especially when no one else is around.
It's like...it's just so bad. I could sit here and type until I'm blue in the face (fingers?) about how I could never see myself with him, don't want to get involved in his complicated life. And I don't. But this stupid feeling won't go away. I'm still happiest when I'm around him. I hate feeling so possessive, because I don't believe in that, don't believe in trying to own a person. I tell my boyfriend all the time that he can sleep with other women on the road, I don't care, even though he professes to be a one-woman man. But as long back as I could remember, seeing BoB even look at another girl will send my blood pressure through the roof. And I HATE this SO much.
I don't even want to go on vacation with my boyfriend because all I can think is, I don't want to leave town and miss being away from BoB for so long. What is wrong with me? AM I in love with him? Or do I just want him because he's not mine? This has me so strung out, and I just feel like I can't live like this forever. I wish I could pick up and move a thousand miles away, away from all of this.
I try so hard to be casual, like oh I'm so glad we have this friendship and care about each other, and get to see each other every once in awhile. But that attitude never lasts, if I go one day without seeing him I am back to misery and wanting and restlessness. This is such a crappy way to be. I haven't felt this way about someone in seven years, and it always has to be the wrong person, always. Why is the heart so stupid?
__________________
The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~
Oh Gypsy ... I think you are in love with this one ... BOB ... and I know how you view relationships .. and womens rights ... and all sorts of other things ... you are an inteligent outspoken woman .. but we dont get to pick who we love ...
When you close your eyes ..and see youself at your happiest ... who is standing beside you?
Well, thats the one you should be with .... at least .. in my opinion ...
We can be strong women, feminists ... all of that ... and we can still be in love ...
__________________
Mother is the word for God on the lips and hearts of children - The Crow
Yeah, sorry Gypsy--you're fired--you're in love with BOB It's a classic case of a battle between your head and your heart. Which, in this case, I can totally understand. You want the qualities he has as far as his personality and how he makes you feel, but you also want the stability and the level-headedness (is that even a word?? ) that your boyfriend can provide. Sounds like this guy, as he is now, would not make the best relationship partner and you are wise to be weary, despite your strong attraction to him and his good qualities. I don't know what to tell you. Seems like he is really into you as well. Would you consider spending the rest of your life with your bf, or do you think you don't feel strongly enough about him for that? I would never suggest you leave your bf for that guy. All I'm saying is that maybe there's something missing in your current relationship and you want more than just the security of it, deep down? But regardless of what ultimately happens with your bf, if you're ever single again, you should make it clear to this guy that you would not consider being with him until he straightens his life out. I don't know why, but for some reason, this whole story reminds me of the "Walk the Line" movie about Johnny Cash. Have you seen it?
I don't think I will ever tell a man I care about, that I love him first, again. Especially in a case like this where there isn't even a mutual unity of feeling, spoken or unspoken.
I won't overwhelm a man with feelings he might not want to know about or feel, and I'd never put myself on the chopping block, just in case I don't really know him as well as I think I do. I mean, how many times have we been wrong about someone we thought we knew? How many times did we really know someone, as opposed to WISHING we knew them, then believing our own spin? I once read, that men fall in love, in the spaces. So, I'll give him the space and time he needs to fall in love and the opportunity to "catch" me, with his love. He would not have that space if my declaration of love was always in the back of his mind.
And, for the record, I think you are emotionally, and physically, up to your neck in feeling, for this person. I would practice some patients. I know this is so hard, but I'm not seeing the same depth of feeling on this other person's part. You may be in a one-sided relationship, here. I strongly recommend that you find out if there are any feelings, and future in this, before voicing your feelings and plunging yourself deeper into emotion you might have to start killing.
dewdrop and Sophia, thanks...it is so weird. If my life depended on it, I could not explain why I feel the way I do about him. It has been me so baffled. Maybe because I got the chance to know him so well, probably better than anyone else does. And it just kind of creeped up on me.
I care about him and his whole life, and probably know more about him than anyone else. I want to be there for him and listen to him and help him out without any kind of dumb romantic notions sneaking their way in. I DO want to be just his very good friend, but every time I see him it's like being hit by lightening, which I hate. I feel like the situation is mixed-up because on the one hand I care about him in an innocent way, but on the other hand I can't help but be distracted by his physical presence.
Quote:
But regardless of what ultimately happens with your bf, if you're ever single again, you should make it clear to this guy that you would not consider being with him until he straightens his life out.
Oh, I could never be with him at all, no matter what, unless both of us changed our identities and moved out of the country. Even then it may not be safe. My boyfriend would not react too well to losing me, that I can tell. And god help the guy I ever left him for. I wouldn't want BoB waking up next to a horse's head, trust me.
I think the best thing to do would try to stop caring about BoB at ALL, since I can't care about him without feeling something deeper there. But that makes me sad, since I know I'm an important person to him.
Argh. I should have never started dating at all.
No, I haven't seen Walk The Line yet, but I want to. It's on my list!
__________________
The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~
.....Oh, I could never be with him at all, no matter what, unless both of us changed our identities and moved out of the country. Even then it may not be safe. My boyfriend would not react too well to losing me, that I can tell. And god help the guy I ever left him for. I wouldn't want BoB waking up next to a horse's head, trust me......
.....Argh. I should have never started dating at all......
Wow, this is far more dramatic than I anticipated. You are definitely hanging on a hair and I am now reading more than just what you write.
You are so very very very intoxicated with BOB right now that the hormones are running pretty wild. Since you have played GF for one night already, there will be no turning back. So, might as well enjoy it. Don't even attempt to be sensible and logical and all that for now. It'll just ruin the high with no real justification.
It seems the ultimate trump thang tripping you up now is actually fear. i.e. the burning rage of your BF if he ever finds out. This really makes me believe that you are staying with BF more because of the destructive nature of your departure than his implied qualities that you desire.
O boy...this is gonna be more than a classic. This is more like material for history, and a book, and a movie. Ladies & gents, heeeeeere in the blue corner; the reigning BF with the furious green eyes and jealous rage........ annnnd in the red corner, the breath taking, heartbeat raising, knee numbing.... BOB !!! Hah...the crowd goes wild!
Hmmm, my bets are on BOB for now although the bigger bet would be that neither will be with you when you are old and grey. Sorry but I just don't see beyond the dreamy sensation BOB and poccessive 'not react too well' BF. Now I think your frog prince is still out and about else where.
But what the heck, just enjoy BOB for now, may be his is your frog afterall. Ripbit...Ripbit....
Just a suggestion. Good luck.
Gypsy, maybe you're really in love with that guy more so than your current boyfriend? Is that a possibility? The way you talk about this guy does sound like love. I don't think I ever felt this way about a man unless I was in love with him.
Yeah, it is no fun when you really start to care about someone and find out they were just using you. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. Hopefully you have better experiences in the future.
.....just kidding.
Good to see you around the boards again.
) that your boyfriend can provide. Sounds like this guy, as he is now, would not make the best relationship partner and you are wise to be weary, despite your strong attraction to him and his good qualities. I don't know what to tell you. Seems like he is really into you as well. Would you consider spending the rest of your life with your bf, or do you think you don't feel strongly enough about him for that? I would never suggest you leave your bf for that guy. All I'm saying is that maybe there's something missing in your current relationship and you want more than just the security of it, deep down? But regardless of what ultimately happens with your bf, if you're ever single again, you should make it clear to this guy that you would not consider being with him until he straightens his life out. I don't know why, but for some reason, this whole story reminds me of the "Walk the Line" movie about Johnny Cash. Have you seen it?
