My best friend has really been getting on my nerves lately. All of the little things are starting to add up, and it is almost making me feel like she really isn't a true friend to me, although I am a friend to her. We have been best friends since high school, and we know just about everything about each other. One of the biggest things that I am starting to feel bitter about is in reference to my high school sweetheart/ex boyfriend, whom I broke-up with in college when things started heading towards marriage. When we were dating she never liked him and when I confided in her about my fears that things could be moving too fast for us (he was pretty much the only guy that I had ever dated), she encourged me BIG time to end things. He is married now to someone else, and she knows that I have always regretted the way things ended with us, yet she brings him up constantly. I have recently figured out that she actually had a really big crush on him back in high school, and he didn't like her in that way. For some reason, this really bothers me because she was very open about not liking him back when we were dating.
The little things that are bothering me (I know I am being picky--believe me) are the fact that things she didn't like, yet I liked and like, she now likes. That in itself doesn't bother me, but it does bother me when she acts like she is the one who liked them first, and if she knows of someone that doesn't like whatever it is, then she talks about them negatively to me, and I am thinking that it wasn't too long ago that she didn't like it either, so who cares. And then if they suddenly start to like whatever "it" is, then she is upset that they are "copying" her, and I am thinking "so what, you copied me".
Anyway, I know the above paragragh sounds childish and teenagey (if you can even understand what I am trying to say in it ), but the conclusion to all of this is that she has really been getting on my nerves lately, and I don't really know what to do about it. I guess I mainly just wanted to vent a little.
Hi glamour. If she's your best friend, certainly you've talked a lot, about just about everything. Why should this be any different? If something she's doing is bothering you, why wouldn't you vent to her about it? She's as good as anyone to hear it. Moreover, you really don't want to be keeping these things in. Trust me, they'll build up, and one day it'll burst into a confrontation that could've been prevented. Just tell her - she's your best friend.
I dont actually think it is unreasonable that she did not tell you her true feelings about how she felt about him. As your friend, she should keep her mouth shut about that sort of thing..to you AND him.
Imagine if she did tell you...what would have happened? It would have been awkward while you were dating the guy. She was respecting the fact that he was off limits.
I think the real issue is all stems from resentment. You regret breaking up with this guy..and instead of taking responsibility for your own decision, you choose to put the blame on her. I mean, she didnt FORCE you to break up with him. It was ultimately always your choice. You cant blame her. But I think you are because it is much easier to blame someone else than yourself.
So now you hold her in resentment and everything about her will annoy and frustrate you.
The good news is, this is what I would do if I was you:
Admitt to yourself that it was ultimately your decision to break up with him. Whether or not your friends influence helped you along...something made you think it was better that the relationship was ended. Hold onto that reasoning. If you really did think he was the ants pants..you never would have broken up with him. So take responsibility for your decision.
Then, have an honest convo with your best friend. Tell her how you honestly feel about the whole situation.
But please..dont blame her.
This sort of things happens in friendships....you'll be okay :-)
Great beauty and virtue rarely dwell together.
Last edited by Baby_hands; 08-26-2006 at 02:02 AM.
I definitely know that it was totally MY decision to break-up with him. That is not an issue with me-nor do I think that it is the problem now. The thing that upset me is that while we were dating, she always talked negatively about him to me, and now she brings him up ALL the time and talks about him in a whole different light. She also says that if I wouldn't have messed things up, that we would be married right now. That is the only thing that has me questioning her friendship towards me. I am glad that she didn't tell me she had feelings for him back when we were dating, but it wasn't honest of her to say negative things about him to me, when those were not her true thoughts. Anyway, I know that that is all in the past, so I am moving on from it, but it does cause me to doubt her honesty now in the present. Does that make any sense? Also, you can't really talk to her. She takes things so personally, and I don't want to upset her because she has a lot going on right now. Also, she has told me before that she is jealous of me. I have asked her why, and she never really gives an answer. She has so much going for her, so I just don't understand.
I'm sorry to say this, but it sounds like you're maturing, going beyond the high school mentality, and these things are now bothering you.
You can't talk to her; she says things that any reasonable person would know are hurtful; she's jealous of you and admitted this to you; she's being "catty" with the "I liked it first."
I had a friend like this right after high school during secondary education. We were a great fit for a while, but as time went on (about 10 years), I finally realized how much negativity she was contributing to my life, and I took steps to slowly end the "best" friendship. I mean, friends are supposed to be our support, right? We're supposed to feel good with our friends, not stressed and hurt.
I mean, if you can't talk to her about it to even begin to hope to resolve this, that leaves you with two options: Put up with it, or move on to nicer friends who care about your feelings.
I haven't read all of the responses, but I'm going to add my 2 cents. The thing is, as we grow older, it's not uncommon for us to grow out of our friendships, as well. We change a lot after we leave high school, and some of the friends we had stay with us (and those are our true friends) and some of them just seem to uninterest us anymore.
I had a ton of friends in high school. And I still had those friends when I started college. However, now that I'm 32 and the years have passed, I find myself with really only 2 very, very close friends whom I confide in all the time, and a lot of the rest of them are just aquaintences whom I may see very occaisionally whenever we have time. It's les than once ever 6 months most of the time because we're all just too busy now that we're adults.
And there were a few girls who I would have considered totally best friends to me, whom I don't even talk to anymore. That happened mostly with the girls who got married and had families. But a few others it was like we just weren't clicking anymore so we eventually dropped out of touch. It happens. It's a part of growing older and becoming an adult.
And I know it's a really hard thing to understand, because when we're in high school, we always think that the friends we have there will be our firends forever. But that rarely ever happens because Life has a funny way of getting in the way of our relationships as we get older.
I just wanted to clarify that I have been out of high school for quite a while now---and I have been out of college for a while too. I am still in my twenties, but not for too long....haha. I know the whole situation does sound immature, but not only has she been my best friend since high school, she is now one of my only single friends (we don't live very close to each other though). I'm sure I'll get over the whole "she's getting on my nerves", but I just wanted to vent while I was feeling a little hurt and frustrated I guess. We do seem to be growing a little apart though. I have been finding myself wanting to put a little distance between us lately. She is always very negative, and I think she does like to bring me down with her, but I will still be there for her whenever she needs me.
The thing that upset me is that while we were dating, she always talked negatively about him to me, and now she brings him up ALL the time and talks about him in a whole different light. She also says that if I wouldn't have messed things up, that we would be married right now. That is the only thing that has me questioning her friendship towards me. I am glad that she didn't tell me she had feelings for him back when we were dating, but it wasn't honest of her to say negative things about him to me, when those were not her true thoughts. Anyway, I know that that is all in the past, so I am moving on from it, but it does cause me to doubt her honesty now in the present. Does that make any sense? Also, you can't really talk to her. She takes things so personally, and I don't want to upset her because she has a lot going on right now. Also, she has told me before that she is jealous of me. I have asked her why, and she never really gives an answer. She has so much going for her, so I just don't understand.
That totally makes sense, Glamourgirl. She doesn't sound like a genuine friend. It's mean of her to now be singing the praises of your ex after she used to discourage you from being with him, and especially to blame you for "messing things up." She does not seem to have your best interest in mind. What is she thinking telling you these things, when she knows fully well that you regret your decision of breaking up with your ex?? What purpose would such words serve other than making you more hurt and causing you to feel worse? A true friend would have tried to lift your spirits and give you hope that there is a better suited man out there for you and not bring you down like this. She admitted to being jealous of you and it's only obvious. She's not someone I would any longer trust with advice or sharing my innermost feelings. If you want to keep her as a casual acquaintance to go shopping with once in a while, it's ok, but don't confide in her, Glamour. I learned the hard way also not to ask most friends for advice, especially in romantic matters. Even male friends gave me some bad advice because they were interested in me themselves. I would rather come to a forum like this where I know people don't have any hidden agendas and are neutral in their advice.