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Old 08-26-2006, 05:47 PM   #1
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: Georgia, USA
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icedancer HB User
Single girl with a crush on a now married man

None of my friends are helping me with this situation (“just get over it” they say) so I thought I’d seek help online.

About a year and a half ago I started a new job. I immediately recognized my new boss as being a wonderful man. He’s a total package and everything I’ve ever wanted in a person. He is only a couple of years older than me. I actually wanted to set him up with my best friend at first. Overtime, though, I realized I was developing a big crush on him myself. Because he was my boss I didn’t act on any of those feelings. There were some occasional signs of attraction from his side, but at the time I thought I was imagining things (it wouldn’t have been very professional on his part). But as time passed I got the feeling that if the situation were different he would want to date me. We share many of the same interests and physically complement each other well.

I pushed my feelings for him to the side and later found out he had started seriously dating a woman. A few short months later they were engaged. When he announced his engagement my heart literally hurt. But, I thought, well what can I do? So I kept pushing my feelings aside. This summer he got married. Because I have always had a high amount of respect toward the institution of marriage I casually assumed that his getting married would make my feelings go away! But when I saw him next after his honeymoon I realized my feelings were almost stronger and I fell into a deep depression and wept over the fact that I never said how I felt. Who cares if I would have lost my job, at least I would have given it a shot!

Now I am dealing with a lot of terrible emotions: mostly painful regret, but also fear I missed my big opportunity, I have a guilty conscience (I keep imaging being the “other woman” or his wife dying), and I’m fighting anger and deep sadness. And it doesn’t feel like it will go away since I have to see him everyday!

The other day we had a private meeting to discuss a work-related issue and our conversation got very intimate and close. Afterwards he acted somewhat awkward around me and now every time I’m near him he points out (usually in a casual way) that he is now married. I’ve met his wife and think they look terrible together physically, but maybe that is just a manifestation of my own feelings.

Please be kind and don’t tell me to just get over it – I am really hurting still. I don’t know what advice you can give, but I would love to hear it. Just writing this out has made me feel better. I really want to get a new job, but the school year has already started (I'm a teacher) and so I have to make it until next May.

Have you ever been in this situation? If you have please tell me what you did.

Last edited by icedancer; 08-26-2006 at 05:57 PM.

 
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Old 08-26-2006, 05:57 PM   #2
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laurie864bla HB User
Re: Single girl with a crush on a now married man

wanting something you can't ahve can heighten the excitement. Just think how disgusted and turned off you would be to find out this man was willing to throw you down and have sex with you...which is what you're fantasizing about, right?? lol..j/k

But seriously, this man you respect and admire would then become a scummy skeethy cheater with no respect for his marriage. That's just yucky. So keep the fantasy--it's not hurting anyone, and it can be fun and healthy. But know that if it was acted on--you'd be turned off. Maybe that would do it?? I don't know, but all I know is a man who cheats on his wife is a HUGE turn off to me... good luck!

 
Old 08-26-2006, 08:09 PM   #3
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icedancer HB User
Re: Single girl with a crush on a now married man

Thanks so much for your reply Laurie! I wish it were just lust. But, I'm afraid my emotions are heavily involved. I have always thought the same way about married men. I have never been tempted by one before. I think my main problem is the fact that I knew him and liked him before he got married. That has never happened to me before. I thought my feelings would go away after he got married, but they didn't. Now my friends are telling me too bad, so sad and get over it, but I'm having a hard time dealing with it.

I think my biggest issue is trying to deal with my regret. I so rarely meet men that that have the whole package I'm looking for and I can't believe I messed up the opportunity. And now I get my mistake thrown in my face everyday since I work with him.

I imagine with time I'll be okay. It does help to have my feelings posted (even anonymously) on this forum and hear your reply. Since I no longer have the option of letting my feelings be known in real life which really hurts.

 
Old 08-26-2006, 08:49 PM   #4
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tshont HB User
Re: Single girl with a crush on a now married man

I don't want to burst your bubble, but I have to be honest since I'm assuming you came on here for honest answers. From what you have said, it seems as though it is only a crush, and it has only gotten deeper because you can't have him. It really is true, when you learn you can't have someone you want them so much more.... I think we can all agree to that. Look deep inside you, is that possibly what you are feeling? Is anything else bothering you that maybe you are transferring onto this guy? That's happened to me a few times. IMHO, I can't see this is love, on either side. Because I don't think it would have taken almost two years and a marriage for either one of you to see it, nor would this man have given a lifelong vow. And I agree with Laurie, your fantasies are normal, but a cheating man is yuck...stay away!

 
Old 08-27-2006, 05:46 AM   #5
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Baby_hands HB User
Re: Single girl with a crush on a now married man

Quote:
Originally Posted by tshont
I don't want to burst your bubble, but I have to be honest since I'm assuming you came on here for honest answers. From what you have said, it seems as though it is only a crush, and it has only gotten deeper because you can't have him. It really is true, when you learn you can't have someone you want them so much more.... I think we can all agree to that. Look deep inside you, is that possibly what you are feeling? Is anything else bothering you that maybe you are transferring onto this guy? That's happened to me a few times. IMHO, I can't see this is love, on either side. Because I don't think it would have taken almost two years and a marriage for either one of you to see it, nor would this man have given a lifelong vow. And I agree with Laurie, your fantasies are normal, but a cheating man is yuck...stay away!

Oh how the ungettable are so attractive to women!


Really, there isnt any magic words to help you. I think you just need the full realisation that he is married and therefore off limits.

When you can feel a fantasy comin on...just stop it, think of something else. The fantasies only feed the feelings...putting fuel on the fire!

If your serious about getting over him, you will do it.

Also, avoid personal conversation. Just dont go there, keep it civil and professional
__________________
Great beauty and virtue rarely dwell together.

 
Old 08-27-2006, 06:58 AM   #6
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Nina000 HB User
Re: Single girl with a crush on a now married man

Hi there
I would stop feeling "guilt" and "regret" because he too could have started a serious conversation with you about his feelings. I agree with babyhands that fantasy only feeds the feeling. Really. You should try and show your self-respect by setting clear boundaries with him. It will empower you if you reject him and let him know that you are no more available to a "marrired man". Make him feel that YOU have changed towards him.

 
Old 08-27-2006, 07:17 AM   #7
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Single girl with a crush on a now married man

I read your post and could see that you're in pain. It's true that you feel much worse because you wanted this man for yourself before he was married, so I don't agree that this is the case of wanting something you can't have. You probably just didn't think he would get married so soon and maybe had secretly hoped that he would initiate something with you, right? I agree with Nina that if he truly wanted to, he could. The company where I used to work was quite big and there were a few couples who met there and married their coworker and even a boss. So perhaps you can take some consolation in the knowledge that if it was meant to be, you would have dated and married this man. I know there's nothing anyone can really say that will make your pain go away immediately, but if you can at least accept that he didn't pursue anything with you so it must mean that he wasn't the guy for you, no matter how much you think you match together. Who knows why people choose the partner they marry--so please don't compare yourself to his wife. try to hang in there and fill your schedule with work and after work activities so you can give yourself a chance to meet other men. If you still feel as strongly and in pain by May, I think you should definitely look for a new job.

 
Old 08-27-2006, 09:30 AM   #8
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BetsyJean HB User
Re: Single girl with a crush on a now married man

You are grieving, and it will take as long as it takes.
In many ways you have something in common with a woman who has had a miscarriage. No, there was no baby... But - she still grieves what in her heart might have been or could have been.

Allow yourself the gift of some time. And it would help if you could reduce the time you spend around him. You wouldn't have a woman who had just suffered a miscarriage spend time in Baby Stores with pregnant women, right?

Even while you are dealing with this, give yourself every opportunity not to dwell on it either...
It isn't what could have been anymore - it is what ISN'T... So grieve, and find a way to pass along the healing (you could help others in a compassionate way).

 
Old 08-27-2006, 08:10 PM   #9
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icedancer HB User
Re: Single girl with a crush on a now married man

Thank you so much for all of your posts. I do feel like you helped me. The guilt and anger are dissipating, leaving only the sadness which will hopefully leave soon. I think I need to stop being so melodramatic and acting like I missed out on my only great opportunity. I've got to hope there's going to be another one someday. And next time I won't be such an idiot about hiding my feelings.

 
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